The Beginnings Of A Story

[Asephilocity]

I've decided to write a fanfic. It's only a small beginning, so if you guys like it I'll keep going.
_______________________________________________
A FROZEN HELL

I stood at the open door of the helicopter, down into the white blizzard below me. The rest of my team had already dropped out, their parachutes had dissapeared into the ice and snow of the arctics. I strapped on my own parachute, all the while my commander's orders running through my mind. "One of our research installations up near the North Pole was attacked by a group of some sort of inhuman creatures about two days ago. Eliminate whatever attacked the base, and search for survivors."

There wouldn't be any survivors. Whatever attacked was alien, which means we don't know their capabilities. Hell, they could be immune to our weapons. All I knew was I had a really bad feeling about this mission. It was about twenty degrees below zero, and- "You going or what, Davidson?" The pilot said in his squeeky little voice, interrupting my thoughts.

I grabbed the handle of my M-16, and lept off of the edge, quickly dropping downwards, harsh winds tossing me around like a newspaper. My vision was blurred and distorted, leaving the snow covered trim of my hood the only thing I could focus on. I blindly grasped for the lever to release my parachute. Finally, I found it, and pulled on it as hard as I could. I felt the force of the parachute tug me out of my acceleration, giving me a reasonably steady decent. As I got closer to the ground, I heard gunfire and animalistic growls. Oh, shit.

Then I hit the ground, the snow still leaving me in a white blur, except for the orange and yellow glows spouting from what must be my team's automatic rifles. "Hold on guys! I'm coming!" I yelled out towards the blasts. Suddenly, A horned red creature came bursting out of the blizzard and galloping towards me like a raging bull. I leaped out of it's way just in time, then pulled out my M-16 and spun around. And just as it was getting it's footing, I had already gotten a perfect aim for his eye. But before I could fire, a ball of searing hot flame hit me in the back, knocking me five feet forward, and onto the hard cold ground. I felt my back in flames, and so I turned over, and felt the cold snow ease my incredible pain. Then, darkness closed in on me, and I was out cold.

To Be Continued...

[Ichor]

Paragraphs would help here.

[Asephilocity]

Bah! You know nothing!

[Fletcher`]

Can't... ...read,... ...too... ... clumped... ...together...

...Must... ...call... ...captain...paragraph... :P

[Russell_P]

Let me get this right. You watch all your mates jump out of the helicopter and ONLY THEN do you decide it might be a good idea to put your own parachute on. That's what I call forward planning.

[warezgard]

why 's every1 complaining..The point is not that there's no paragraph, the point is that it's an interesting story :)

[Asephilocity]

warezgard said:

why 's every1 complaining..The point is not that there's no paragraph, the point is that it's an interesting story :)

Thank you. Geeze you guys, you take this stuff way too seriously. Oh, and Russel_P: Maybe he wanted to make sure all of his 'mates' made it safely before he went? I mean, he is commandeering the operation.

My main point is, just read it. Don't waste everybody's time by bitching about stuff that doesn't matter.

[Russell_P]

I think you'll find it's standard military proceedure for jumpers to all put their parachutes on before they even reach the drop zone.

Why do i get the image of a football match, the start whistle blows and one teams captian is still doing his boots up.

[Russell_P]

Hang on. Who's bitching here? You're bitching about the fact that I was bitching, even though i wasn't bitching in the first place.

[Asephilocity]

Russell_P said:

I think you'll find it's standard military proceedure for jumpers to all put their parachutes on before they even reach the drop zone.

Why the hell would I care what standard military procedure is? It's a story. It's not real, so it doesn't have to pretend to be. Also, I'm not bitching, I'm just stating the obvious. Also, because I really don't want to have an enemy on this board, just drop it, okay?

[Asephilocity]

Russell_P said:

I'm a retard.

Thanks for sharing.

[Fletcher`]

Calm down. I thing it's a good beginning, although paragraphs would make it easier to read. Oh, and russel talkng about the parachute was constructive criticism. You'll probably hear the same from DSM.

[Asephilocity]

I am calm. I'm kidding.

[Captain Red]

ravage said:
Can't... ...read,... ...too... ... clumped... ...together...

...Must... ...call... ...captain...paragraph... :P

I am here! and-
oh... captain paragraph :(

[Russell_P]

Asephilocity. Do not put words in my mouth.

[dsm]

There, I added paragraphs to our new fan fic writer's story.

Guys, you're right about those small issues in the story, but giving the man a bit of positive comments wouldn't be out of order. Just add the positive comments alongside the negative ones and it won't seem like you're just slagging off his story - nobody likes to have only negative comments (I know I hate it when people just point out the negative things when there are lots of good things too).

Asephilocity: Nice work, I like the setting, I like the descriptions.

But the other guys are right: You need to have paragraphs - they are absolutely essential to have the readers interested in your story - I don't care what people do on other forums or other fan fic websites, here on this forum people make sure that they have paragraphs in their fan fics so that people can easily read them.

And the stuff about standard military procedures is also a small minus - I wouldn't pick too much on it though, but it *would* make the story more interesting if you tried to make it seem realistic.
Don't worry, I get shit like that too.

At any rate, small errors and other annoyances aside, I think this story looks promising. Keep it up and we'll see if the story can keep this promise :-)

[Wildman]

Nice beginning. Please continue.

[Asephilocity]

Russell_P said:

Asephilocity. Do not put words in my mouth.

*gasp* you can spell?

Oh, and thanks dsm.

[dsm]

Asephilocity said:

*gasp* you can spell?

Don't kick a sleeping dog, it might tear out your throat.

And I don't want to clean up the mess you and Russel_P leave behind so leave it be. Next time you people troll around I'll go in and delete, continue to argue about these small things and I'll post hell this whole thing.