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ReeseJamPiece

Get It Off Your Chest

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Recently I have been trying to improve myself, but I always fuck it up somehow, like everything else in my incompetent life; I have multiple wad projects that I could continue, but since I am a lazy useless worm with no real purpose in life besides making people's lives harder, I don't.

 

I often wonder to myself if i should even continue on with life, or should i just pussy out and end it, i really don't want to do that, but it gets to a point where I feel like I can't even do anything right and I should just end it, sometimes I think about the future, the past, and even the present, the thought that messes with me the most.

 

I apologize if I come off as attention seeking, but I don't really have anyone to talk to, and sometimes it feels like I'm slipping into an abyss of being alone forever, maybe it would be better if I did die alone, at least then no one would have to deal with my bullshit.

 

I feel fake most of the time, like I have no true emotion, just fake happiness that only lasts for a tiny bit, I hate it, I absolutely hate it.

"What did I ever provide to the world." I'll often ask myself, but as always, there's never a definite answer, an answer that my mind would accept.

 

That's what I can get off of my chest, years of pent up shit that i tried to lock away. And I hate having to be fake to people, virtual or not.

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3 hours ago, a.a.i. said:

My girlfriend (now ex) of 6 years got engaged. Playing doom for several hours a day seemed to be the only way I could distract myself, but even that doesn't seem to be working now. 

 

There is more to life than a girlfriend/boyfriend. I know it may not seem like it now but it will pass in time and you will move on. Don't blame her, we all have a 'type'. I doubt she did it intentionally.

 

Some people know what they're looking for and for others it takes a few tries until they find it. The latter often results in a few broken hearts along the way. Take it as a lesson and apply it to the next person you meet. Only lower the drawbridge when you know they feel the same way, anything less is wishful thinking and never ends well.

 

Or ignore all that and find your own method. Either way the worst thing you can do is to wallow in self-pity and beat yourself up, women will run a mile from that attitude. Pick yourself up and dust off. 

 

Chin up, you'll get there. Every one of us is work in progress.

 

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Alright, so a content warning for things like sexual assault/rape, suicide (both the ideations and the act), and literally death. I'll do what I can to spoiler the really horrific shit, but I'm putting this up anyway since a few things might unexpectedly pop up.

 

 

The last few years of my life have been particularly strange, and not necessarily in a good way.

 

So we all talk about 2020 and how it's just been pure shit all the way through, right? Personally, while 2020 gave me my own set of trials and tribulations especially with the pandemic, I still maintain that 2016 and especially 2018 were far worse on a personal level.

Buckle up, this is where shit gets real:
 

Spoiler
  • After I had my first falling-out with a friend due to rapid mental deterioration that stemmed from failing a class for the very first time, I started to develop a form of suicidal ideation that turned out to be very brief but extremely intense and it got to the point where I saw an on-campus counselor to see what to do about them. (late 2015/early 2016)
  • After said falling-out, I tried to fill the hole that friend left with a string of failed friendships that ended up driving my emotional health even lower. (2016)
  • For some weird reason, my family had to deal with broken bones over the course of several months. (2016)
  • Around that same time when I was barely getting into cosplay, I was already dealing with all sorts of bad actors who basically told me there was no place for me in the cosplay community. (2016)
  • A friend who I hadn't spoken to in a long time (a different friend), had died by suicide; it was especially tragic given that I also had a falling-out with that one and I was holding on to hope that we would reconcile one day. (fallout in 2016, suicide in 2018)
  • The closest person I had to a high school sweetheart was raped at college; I still maintain that she's one of the nicest, kindest, and most compassionate people I ever met, plus she's also on the autism spectrum like me. (2018)
  • The fact that I was literally 20 minutes away from an actual school shooting when it took place. (2018)
  • The horrific events of the latter few things were only a couple of years ago, and they had caused my suicidal ideations to come back with a vengeance; more lasting and much harder to shake. (first in 2016, intensified to concerning levels in 2018)
  • A friend of mine who was in the cosplay community had essentially gone down a really dark path in regards to Internet-based associations, to say the least. And then it turned out they had always been an extremely manipulative POS. (2018/2019)
  • Another close friend of mine had gone public about her extremely abusive ex regarding behavior that basically amounted to sexual coercion and emotional extortion, and said ex responded by essentially forcing a SLAPP suit on her because said ex is an abject narcopath. (late 2018, early 2019)

 

And lastly, the most recent shitshow to have developed:

  • I became friends with someone, and around the same time, a project I had been working on had started to take some kind of concrete form instead of just being a vague collection of ideas. I became fast friends with them, and they were one of the few people I developed an intellectual bond with as well as an emotional bond. They know things about me that not even my family knows, and they did their best to support me (and of course, I did the same for them in return). But then things got ugly.
    I did ghoulish things to them. They did ghoulish things to me. The friendship just went down in flames over two years ago. And even after the friendship, I still did a ton of shitty things that I still feel deeply ashamed of.
    And I'm not sharing any more details because not only do I feel like there are parts of the story that aren't mine to tell, there are parts that aren't particularly relevant.
    And as for the project, it's been stuck in hiatus despite my attempts to bring it out of there. I've long since realized that they had contributed so much to the project that I can't meaningfully call it mine anymore without also acknowledging that it became theirs as well.
    (This took place all over the course of late 2017 and all of 2018, falling out in early 2019 and final confrontation later that year)

 

I was barely hanging on by a thread in 2016 and I legitimately felt like there was no light at the end of the tunnel come 2018/2019. And besides, I have no desire to just keep wallowing in self-pity like I did in the past.

With 2020, a lot of bad shit did happen. One family friend passed away unexpectedly due to heart complications, another family friend passed away due to a cancer which hadn't been discovered until it was way too late.
I learned what it felt like to deal with unemployment. Existential crises clawed away at me and continue to do so every now and then, even to this day. And that's not even getting into the sense of isolation that permeated every single day due to the pandemic.

 

But at least with 2020, I was able to do a surprising amount of things under my own willpower. I started reaching out to people again and discovered new circles of friends. I got accepted into a cosplay magazine. I even won the runner-up to QuakeCon's own cosplay competition (one of those themed competitions where you had to make it look like one of those costumes that was literally thrown together at the last minute).

 

So yeah, while 2020 was utter dogshit, at least it felt eminently survivable compared to what came before.


 

So why am I sharing all this even though I stated I'm not wallowing in self-pity like I used to?

Because it feels like the last few years made me into a worse person. I've become more abrasive, less patient, and far more paranoid.

I'm afraid that someone I might meet at a convention or online will just automatically decide to hate my guts for no good reason. I'm afraid that the next romantic partner or close platonic friend I come upon will just decide to not only ghost me but also say deeply hurtful things about me behind my back.

 

Even though I've made quite the progress and I even come to cringe at the 2020 version of me, I still can't help but feel that I miss the days when I was just a carefree teen in the last years of high school. Before everything went to shit.

Because was all that really worth it?
The countless people who want nothing to do with me at best, and those same people who might have wanted me dead at worst? The suicidal ideations that never really went away? The possibility that I might at least have PTSD if not CPTSD (because apparently I've been exhibiting symptoms to the point where other people noticed)?

 

 

...so anyway, I just started getting into Pink Floyd's The Wall.

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Some more positive vibes from me: I finally finished my latest EP. Only took almost 2 years.

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^Keep out of the bullshit, keep your eyes peeled, and if you have a means to defend yourself, keep it nearby and be ready.  Best advice I can give.  Riots occurred near my home when the rioting first started...they burnt down a family owned grocery store because someone was killed in Minneapolis...that poor family had nothing to do with it.  It was really quite a frightening experience.

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Just keep your head on a swivel and stay alert.  Protect yourself and your pets, stay safe, and stay smart.  Can you message me privately?  I hadn't heard of this most recent excuse to commit crime shooting, and am curious to learn more.

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Noting your avatar, @Reelvonic, wouldn't it be nice if a cacodemon or two were spawned in the real world at the site of an evil act to exact vengeance upon the evildoer right after the act occurred? Could you imagine the looks on the people's faces watching the surveillance video? ;) I have a feeling the crime rate would plummet if this happened on a consistent and just basis.

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4 hours ago, leejacksonaudio said:

Noting your avatar, wouldn't it be nice if a cacodemon or two were spawned in the real world at the site of an evil act to exact vengeance upon the evildoer right after the act occurred? Could you imagine the looks on the people's faces watching the surveillance video? ;) I have a feeling the crime rate would plummet if this happened on a consistent and just basis.

Problem is, who could be scared of Cacos? They're adorable! I'd probably commit a crime just to see them in real life.

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Welp, now that I got as much of the bad stuff as I could off my chest, I might as well start sharing the positive things.

 

 

Even as someone who isn’t that big in the cosplay community, I’ve been threatened, I’ve been harassed, I’ve had people with much bigger platforms than mine sic their hostile communities on me.

Though it hasn’t happened as often most people might think it has, it doesn’t mean it’s never happened.

 

But the feeling of being bullied is a feeling I will never feel ever again.

 

When it comes to bullies, I have god mode. I am invincible, I have the IDDQD cheat activated, I don’t give in to bullies anymore.
And if I was still afraid of being bullied, I wouldn’t be showing off my work for a ton of people to see. I wouldn’t have been opening up to new circles of friends about how 90s anime gave me Complex Gender Feels even as a kid because I’d be too afraid of what the bullies might think.

 

I may have many faults as a person even to this day, but that is not one of them.

 

 

Additionally, I no longer hate myself; if anything, I’ve come to enjoy my own company.

 

Granted, I’m still not quite in the physical shape I’d like to be but at least I can say I’m working on it. Plus, people have told me on more than one occasion that I have “beautiful features” so at least I have that going for me, I guess.


 

Finally, I may not be setting the world on fire, but doing that is going to be quite the process. At least I’m doing what I can to put in the work in that regard, even if some days end up being better or worse than others.

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3 hours ago, Man of Doom said:

When it comes to bullies, I have god mode. I am invincible, I have the IDDQD cheat activated, I don’t give in to bullies anymore.
And if I was still afraid of being bullied, I wouldn’t be showing off my work for a ton of people to see. I wouldn’t have been opening up to new circles of friends about how 90s anime gave me Complex Gender Feels even as a kid because I’d be too afraid of what the bullies might think.

 

Wow, that is really impressive. I salute you, I think a lotta people wish they could get into a state like that.

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Remote learning has fuckin' sucked this school year and has not improved since the beginning. In fact, it's gotten worse for me, what with all these loads of "busywork" assignments and an upcoming exam I have doubts of succeeding at. Hence why I recently haven't and won't be doing a lot of stuff. Been focusing on a small, refreshing personal project when I have the free time.

 

TL;DR: School, demotivation, exams, stress. Nuff said.

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It's been busy lately, confusing and frustrating. I'd thought I'd make this thread so people can let loose for a bit and take out their anger. 

 

For me personally it's that feeling of never being good enough, that you'll always be five steps behind. But instead of addressing it you just bottle it and keep your head down. People crave validation and when we're deprived of it we crumble. That combined with the COVID crap going on with Boris and its misery. 

 

So, what about you?

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What's your favourite threads.....no one cares >.<

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Most of the radio stations in my country (cz) are garbage!!!!! It is as if they are made for some sheeps, not for young, progressive people who want to discover things... They repeat the same crap for whole years and the music is very limited.

 

I guess the young people just pirate stuff or use internet radios/services...

 

There are some decent and pretty good stations, but those are usually supported by public money.

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I find myself increasingly enjoying my job less and less.  This is sad because I am always receiving praise and lauded for the work I perform, not to mention that I was one of very few contractors to be converted to a full-time employee (which is a HIGHLY coveted thing at my organization).  Maybe its just because I have made myself into a somewhat skilled performer of the one specific thing I do - which I am not entirely sure is in my best interest in the career field I've chosen (as an aside, the organization seems to refuse to offer any meaningful career development beyond bullshit surface level stuff that you can find on any website).  I feel like my drive and will are stagnating, even beginning to wane.  I don't think I've had an actual vacation since early 2020 where I was able to just completely unplug, regroup, and recharge.  I don't know if I'm getting bored or if there are deeper problems I've developed internally but I find myself more and more just plain tired of showing up and doing my job.  Something which exacerbates this is that even though I have the option to take time off at my whim, I am afraid to.  There is a major task I have to have completed and I fear being out for any more time than weekends and holidays would jeopardize the timeline we have for this deliverable.

Edited by vyruss

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I have never been able to maintain employment for long, and after failing at a number of low-level entry jobs I started running a home business. After six years of not making a profit, I abandoned it and have been transitioning to homemaker. If I didn't have a loving wife, roommate and supportive family, I might still be living at home.

 

I've been told by multiple people I have an undiagnosed neurological condition; what is at least known are diagnosis of bipolar disorder and ADD, from years and years ago. There is the feeling the world is not made for people like me; that if you struggle to comprehend instructions and have a wandering mind, then you're not fit for a job. 

 

Despite this I am happy as I am finding zen in housework. However, I am haunted by the feeling of being rejected by capitalist society, and it seems I might not ever have a job or career. I spent my life training to be a multimedia artisan, but it looks like that's just an expensive hobby now. 

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On 12/16/2020 at 7:09 AM, whybmonotacrab said:

I hate having Bipolar disorder, and I hate how hard it was to get treatment for it. I hate how many friends I've lost because I was a complete asshole when I was in my manic states, and I hate how many opportunities I've missed because of my depressive spirals. I hate how expensive remaining stable is, and I hate feeling like I'm a burden to the people I care about.

 

 Outside of that, I hate how many people lack empathy. No one cares about other people at all, and they're super quick to judge. "Fuck you, got mine" is all too common a sentiment.

Oh shit dude, hope you feel better now.

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14 hours ago, Koko Ricky said:

I have never been able to maintain employment for long, and after failing at a number of low-level entry jobs I started running a home business. After six years of not making a profit, I abandoned it and have been transitioning to homemaker. If I didn't have a loving wife, roommate and supportive family, I might still be living at home.

 

I've been told by multiple people I have an undiagnosed neurological condition; what is at least known are diagnosis of bipolar disorder and ADD, from years and years ago. There is the feeling the world is not made for people like me; that if you struggle to comprehend instructions and have a wandering mind, then you're not fit for a job. 

 

Despite this I am happy as I am finding zen in housework. However, I am haunted by the feeling of being rejected by capitalist society, and it seems I might not ever have a job or career. I spent my life training to be a multimedia artisan, but it looks like that's just an expensive hobby now. 

I'm in a similar situation so I can very much relate. I have bipolar, and it makes it difficult to keep stable work - which is something I haven't really had in about 5 years. The jobs I've had in that time don't last because my mental state isn't reliable. I also have a very supportive girlfriend, but even though I don't agree with it it's hard to fight the worlds capitalist and patriarchal conditioning that I need to be the breadwinner and that I'm not a real man unless I'm the one making the money. It's also difficult to stop comparing yourself to where others your age are at - even though they don't have the same barriers as you. 

 

 In a way I feel like I'm lucky for hitting rock bottom because it got me the help I needed. Getting a diagnosis for mental health struggles is super difficult, so you'll often know you have something but not know what.

 I'm glad you're managing to find happiness though. It's not easy. I wish you the best and hope you can get the care and treatment you need.

2 hours ago, Nefelibeta said:

Oh shit dude, hope you feel better now.

I'm a lot better now that I'm medicated and have had 2 years of counseling to learn to deal with my condition. Thanks for caring :)

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Really sucks how incredibly apathetic (don't know if this is exactly the right word) my job is about me. Like, I knew this beforehand, that things are this way. The vast majority of people don't and cannot get jobs who care about them and they only care about the profit they can take from my work and in no way care about my state of being other than the details pertaining to my job performance and definitely not how I actually feel about those details just that those details better make me better at making them profit and better not hinder that. I thoroughly knew and expected this, from family, from friends, that's just the way it is and I knew this was always going to be a thing that would suck. But damn does that do nothing to blunt how fucking dehumanizing this feels.

 

One way I'm particularly feelin it is in my job's covid response, or rather the lack of one. Was basically an outbreak of it at work, little more than half of us at this store had it all within a week of each other. What do they do in response to this? Nothing. Didn't take down any of the signs in back saying we are forbidden to question anyone's lack of a mask (actually I think a 2nd copy of the sign was added), nor the sign next to the front door above the trashcan with a picture of a person throwing away a mask saying it's "a-ok" if they take theirs off. I guess they did do one thing, they gave us a very nonfunctional and definitely not accurate temperature checker and said the managers could tell one of the workers to leave if it showed they had a fever, of course this temperature check is almost never enforced, the thing is not accurate and keeps basically showing I have super hypothermia (convenient direction for this temperature checker to be inaccurate in) or just showing an error half the time (my temperature has been ER1 for the past week I suppose). Won't even let us sit in the empty reserved rooms during our unpaid break and we gotta either stand outside, sit surrounded by 30 people and their screaming kids, or just continue to work while on unpaid break. Bunch of smaller things to, like of course the owners and managers never actually wearing their mask over their mouth or anything (law says workers gotta wear it, but there is a sign in the back that says we can just have the mask on us and that's good enough) and them forgetting to get the little chain holding up the see through screen in front of the registers fixed, or them constantly making comments about how we should take off our masks for "x" reason (i am going to become the joker if I hear someone tell me to take off my mask to stop hiding my smile or some bullshit, this place does not give to me any emotions that would warrant a smile). Oh and one of the worse things? Everyone who got covid was expected to come in less than a week after they found out they got it, didn't matter if they were still like very clearly sick. I am not actually 100% sure I avoided getting it, I am vaccinated and already had covid before the vaccine was a thing (and it unfortunately did not kill me but damn near did and it has permanently fucked up my body) so it was unsymptomatic if I did, but i might have gotten it cause my uncle who lives in this house got it during the same time with no sign of contact with anyone else who was in contact with someone who got it. It fucked him up but he's alive, he got it from me, but I'm not the one who gave it to him, this horrible fucking workplace is the one who nearly fucking murdered him, and could have gotten more of my family too, i've lost a few already.

 

Oh also we're not allowed to sit at all during shift and I am like always fucking oily now cause I work in a kitchen, so that sucks too.

 

On a lighter but still sucky note. Been trying my hand at doom maping for the past 5-ish weeks now. It's going well in that I am getting a lot done, it is not going well in that I have been making a single map this whole time, it is too too long, like I tested it and it is 53 minutes long, and nothing about it justifies this length of time and that is making this whole thing feel like sort of a waste of effort now. I mean, this is giving me experience, I know way more now about doom mapping than when I began and I do look forward to making a 2nd much shorter map and I can soon cause I am juuuuuuuust about finished making the map I just gotta make the final hell cathedral themed room and then clean up the map and do some other misc stuff and I am done but it sure does suck being near the end and knowing as a whole no matter how good any of the individual fights are, the length makes it so this map as a whole sucks. I have never played a stretch of doom that withheld guns other than the chaingun/shotgun/rocket launcher for nearly this long other than scythe and I guess Doom 1, and I did that for the whole map cause I am planing on it being map 1 of maybe 6 (maybe less but I really want to use the text before map 7 for the end text or something, but I should keep my expectations of my abilities reasonable and maybe 6 maps when it has been shown I cannot reign in map length might be unreasonable but if I can for map 2 then maybe.

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I've just realized that the constant discourse that always seems to surround Doom Eternal has taken a significant toll on my mental health, to the point where I just feel burned out with the entire Doom series altogether.

On top of everything else.

Somehow, I allowed this to happen.

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