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DemonDemon

Astreal

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Greetings. :)

I've started a story that I've been thinking of for quite some time (in fact, the idea for this story has been in my mind for years. ^^; ), so I decided to write up a quick intro to the story. I didn't really put all my effort in the intro, though, as I just wanted to start the story as quickly as possible so I had something to work on and couldn't just say "Oh, I'll just do it later" for the 10000th time. I have a hard time starting stuff, but once I finish the start the rest is easy. :)

Anywho, I should really explain a few things before I start. First thing is, the characters are all animeish, as it's likely I'll be making a comic of it for my comic site. Also, the intro doesn't actually explain anything, it just introduces the 'setting' (death, heads flying, FAYGO Cola, a strange corperation cloning 'stuff'), as well as introduce a character I might keep or keep dead, whichever I decide on doing. :) Finally, I wrote this very quickly and don't have anyone else here to read my mistakes, so there might be a lot of mistakes that I've missed. It's late and I ran out of Cola. ^^;

Well anyway... without further a moo, I present to you...

Astreal
By Test-0

Intro

The security monitors blipped over an over again, showing the numerous rooms and halls of the facility and occasionally the ‘special’ rooms with all the weirdo creatures the scientists were working on. The room it’s self was dark, with only the lights from the monitors to light up the three security guards that were sitting, watching their own set of monitors making sure nothing was out of the ordinary. The first guard was a thin man, about 40 years old, with a security cap on his head that had the company logo uA. He was also wearing a standard blue suit with a pocket in the front and sides (each pocket has the uA logo, while the one on the front also had a nametag that simply said “Kenny”), as well as standard blue jeans. His hair was somewhat brown, but mostly gray, and covered most of his head. The second guard was about 28, wearing the same as the first guard only with his sleeves rolled up and the nametag “Korin”, had long shoulder length dark purple hair. The final guard had the same attire (“Jeff”), was about 24, dark gray hair and was drinking a can of FAYGO Cola.

The room had been totally silent, except for the hum of the monitors and the occasional bodily noise from the guards. That is, until Korin spoke, “Well, almost time to switch.”, he said, not looking away from the monitors, “So, what’s the plan for tonight?” Jeff answered him, also not looking away from the monitors, “Well, after we peel off these suits and get something real to drink, were gonna go and check out the freak show.”, he smiles. Korin chuckled and Kenny just snorted, “Goin to see the clones, eh? Bah. Took me THREE years here to be allowed into the secure areas of this facility and you two knuckle heads get a free pass just because your parents work here. Why, if you two weren’t hired just because of your parents, I would so knock you down to washing the shitter in no time flat!”

Korin laughed, “Oh come on Kenny, you da man. Were only working on security because there aren’t any other jobs open. Besides, we had access to the areas long bef... OH SHIT!”, Korin suddenly exclaimed as one of the monitors showed the lobby area. Just a few seconds before, he had seen the monitor show the lobby, where nothing was out of the ordinary. But now, 30 seconds later, it was nothing but blood and body parts. Jeff jumped from his seat a second later, one of the monitors showing a similar picture. Korin turned to Kenny to get him to hit the alarm, only to have his face spattered with blood as Kenny’s head was split down the center by a scythe blade. Korin jerked backward, falling over in his chair narrowly being missed by a quick slice of a large gleaming sword. The world around him slowed right down, the air was knocked out of him and he was clawing away toward the door, only to be smacked into the floor by something. He turned around to see his attackers, but only saw the glint of steel in the dark room. Korin skittered toward the door again, only to bump into someone in front of him. Quickly, without even thinking about it, he grabbed a large object that was next to his hand, and with all his might, swung it at the person in front of him. Whoever it was wasn’t expecting this and was smashed out of the way and into the wall.

Korin took his chance and rushed the door, flinging it open and quickly slamming it shut behind him. He braced the door with his back and slumped down onto the floor, finally starting to breath. He breathed a sigh and looked down at himself, noticing a lot of blood all over his suit and a slice across his side. He suddenly realized he was cut, more then likely from the near miss with the sword. Korin looked to his other hand and finally noticed that the weapon he had used on his attacker was actually a human head. He flinched and tossed the head to the other side of the hall he was in and watched in horror as Jeff’s head slatted on the wall and bounced right back at his feet. Korin kicked away the head and then noticed something odd about the door his back was holding shut. They weren’t trying to open the door; in fact they never even tried to bash it open. Korin’s brain started to work quickly and he realized that the attackers didn’t use the door in the first place. He jumped away from the door in an instant, just in time to dodge some gunfire from the ceiling. He ran down the plain white hall and jumped through the door, slamming it shut behind him and running down the stairway he was now in. His mind was trying to make sense of what just happened, but it couldn’t get past Jeff’s head and the way it was looking at him after he threw it at the wall, “I’m sorry! Sorry.”, he said to the image, as if trying to get the head in his mind to forgive him throwing it at the wall. Only it didn’t and he just started to tear up mumbling to himself, “Sorry... sorry...”

The sounds of footsteps were echoing through the stairway and not all of it was Korin’s. Whoever it was that was attacking the facility was going to finish the job they had started and that made Korin just run faster. He suddenly stumbled and started to fall, tumbling down the long flight of stairs, yelling out as he smashed against floor at the bottom. He stumbled to his feet and tried to get his bearings, everything around him was swirling and blurry. He stumbled toward a door he could barely make out and flung it open and slammed the door behind him. He stumbled away and crashed into someone, falling to the floor painfully. His sight started to go black as he looked at whom he had crashed into, only to cry out one last time as he saw a pair of glowing red eyes. He was done for and with his last breath before he completely lost conscious he said weekly, “...I’m ...sorry...”

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Damn you got me there!
I was beginning to think that this was just a typical fan fic, but lo and behold, you actually made it really exciting and fresh somehow. You really managed to describe Korin's fear in a nice way.

Good job.

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Heh, cool. :) I was hoping I had done it right. I was thinking about what I would do if the same had happened to me, and vola, I came up with that. :)

Anyways, I wrote up part 1 chapter 1. :D In this part, I intro some of the main characters. As well, I wanted the 'main' character of this part to be disliked and considered quite the ass, but still a powerful character. Someone please tell me if I suceded in this task, or if I've over done it. ^^;

Also, this IS a Doom story, but right now in the story, there isn't really any 'doom' in it (except for one part, but I don't know if anyone will make the connection. ;). As for the progresion of the story it's self, I'll be putting more and more detail about what exactly is going on as I write, so it might be a little hard to figure out the story right now, but it all adds up later on. :) I'll fill in more blanks in the second part, as well as intro THE main good guy. :D

But for now, here's:

Astreal
Chapter 1 Part 1: Dos

For that last five hours Prof. Dos had been watching the computer screen, pointing and clicking over and over at different parts of the dna strain that showed in the application. He kept grabbing sections and moving them around, then looking at the computers projected results. He sighed and finally closed the application and leaned back on his big comfy chair, looking at the mirror he had mounted to the ceiling. The face looking back at him was a strong one, eyes a glimmering metallic blue, hair a powerful dark green that covered his head completely as well as his chin and upper lip. His eyes closed and he remained in thought for some time before he reopened his eyes suddenly. Something was wrong. He straightened in his chair and swiveled around, now looking at the back of the room, where a large metal door suddenly opened and Dana, one of his female assistants, ran in panicked. “They’re... dead! All of them! I... dead! Someone killed them!”, she blurted out. Dos just got out of his chair and walked to Dana, “Calm down. Who’s dead?”

Dana’s eyes darted around and she stuttered out, “The... the scientists in sector 2... I... I was checking up on my friend and when I... got there.”, she stopped and started to cry. Dos looked to the door and back down to Dana, “Well? When you got there?”, he asked coldly. Dana wiped her eyes and started to shake, “...pieces... all over the place... her body was all I saw... blood... everywhere.”, she collapses to the floor and weeps.

Dos snorted, “Get a grip woman. It’s just the dead.”, he turns his back and walks back to his computer, ignoring the crying woman on his floor. With three quick keystrokes, his monitor showed the video cams from sector 2. Sure enough, body parts and blood were strung around the area like it was some kind of cheap horror movie. Dos smiled, “Well, it took them long enough to get here.”, he shoved away from the computer and picked up his assistant, “I want you to go to sector 4 and wait for me in the safe room. I have something I have to do.”, he walked over to the door, Dana still in his hands, and opened the door. After he passed through the door, he placed Dana on the floor and locked the door tight with his security pass. He then looked down at Dana, “Get going or they’ll kill you too and I’m not going to pay for a new assistant.”, and with these words, he walked off down the large hall they had entered, leaving his assistant to just stare at him like he was some kind of monster.

Dos ponderously walked down the hall, passing door after door, his mind working all the while, “Well, my bait finally attracted them. Such perfect specimen for the taking and all that was needed to get them to come was leaking small amounts of information about Astreal. Such an easy task this will be.”, he thought to himself as he entered sector 2. Without even stopping for a second, he swiped his pass through the scanner and watched the huge double doors before him slide open. As they did, though, the sight he got was quite gruesome. Arms and legs spattered around the floor and stuck to the walls by metallic spikes, blood covering almost every surface in the hall, bodies of the dead piled in corners, strung from the ceilings and jutting from any surface that could hold them. A sneer appeared on Dos and he just remarked to him self, “They do love to kill.”, and he walked into the area, the splats of his feet hitting blood and drips from the bodies hanging from the ceiling the only sound that could be heard. As he walked around, he studied the dead that he walked past, figuring out what did what to whom. One body that was strung from the ceiling had her head knocked with such force that the spine had actually detached from the head and stuck out of the neck less stump. Another body that hadn’t been piled with the rest of them was cut in half vertically, and then horizontally as it was falling to the ground with some kind of large blade. Quite the expert killer, who ever it was. But he didn’t have time to entertain himself with the dead, he was here for a reason. He nonchalantly walked over body pieces, occasionally stepping on someone’s eye or severed flesh, making his way to the containment room, where he would take the needed key card to unlock his ‘stash’. But when he got to the room, he found the secret compartment that had his key broken into, and the key taken. He swore and turned to leave the room.

“Well, if it isn’t out anonymous tipster. Looking for this?”, the man asked Dos, standing in front of the door. The man in front of Dos was wearing a black suit over all of his body, wearing a pair of what could be considered swimming goggles if they hadn’t been showing an inverted HUD to everyone looking at them. The man himself was large, about 7 feet tall, with extremely large muscles and a large spiked mace attached to his back. Dos smiled and answered, “So, you figured it out. Yes, I was the one that gave you the information. I do hope you liked what you saw?”, The man in front of Dos nodded, “Oh yeah. The Astreal creature is just what we were looking for. With its dna, we could create the perfect soldiers... or assassins. The only reason you’re not dead is because you gave us the information in the first place and our... organization is also ‘looking’ for someone like you to help us out.”

Dos sneered, “A job offer? Hah. I’ll have to decline. I have my doubts your organization would even closely match what I can do here. Besides, you aren’t the first people to break in here asking me for a job. Only the other people are a little more... subtle.”, he notes the terribly ripped apart body lying on the table Dos was standing next to. The man just shook his head, “No, your don’t seem to get what I’m saying...”, he puts the card into an invisible pocket in his suit and reaches to his back, grabbing the mace and pulling it out of it’s holster. He then points it at Dos, “We don’t ‘offer’ jobs, we fill them. If you don’t come with us, then you die.”

Dos blinked a few times and then smiled. After another second, he was chuckling, and then he was laughing out loud, “Ha ha ha! You, kill me?! Don’t even think of it. I may look like some old man, but you have NO idea what I REALLY am.”, he eyes narrow at the man in front of him as his fists clench tight, one of them making a large clicking sound. The man just looked at Dos, his mace still pointed at Dos, “Oh? We already know about your arm. Don’t think for a second that a blaster in your mechanical arm can stand against my mace.”, Dos sneers, “Then attack me, and find out.”

The man roared out and with inhuman speed, was suddenly in front of Dos, swinging the mace right at Dos head. But it never reached his head, and bounced off an energy shield and crashed into the wall, creating a large crash and a new hole in the thick metal wall. Dos smiled, “This arm has a built in energy shield that bounces any non biological material harmlessly off it. I bet you didn’t know that. Or this.”, his right hand reaches over to his left arm and presses a button that was hidden by his lab coat. A quick squeal and the sound of metal penetrating through flesh can be heard, followed by a green glow covering Dos hand, “This is a energy converter we discovered when we cleaned up mars. It converts my blood cells into a powerful energy that can be thrown at any target I wish. Like you!”, he points his hand at the man and a large blast of green energy was flung at him.

The man quickly jumps out of the way, watching as the energy crashes through the wall and finally exploding on something in the room next to the one they were in, “Shit...”, he looks to Dos, “I was all wrong about you.”, Dos smiled, “Oh?”, “Yeah. I thought that killing you would be boring. But I guess I was wrong!”, he finished as he sent a punch right for Dos chest. The shield suddenly sprung up and the fist stopped dead and bounced harmlessly off. Dos laughed, “You had the right idea, but yet again, you fail it. Your wearing that armor all over your body, even your fists. Like I said, nothing but organic material can go through this shield and that armor is not organic.”

The man jumped back and laughed, “Well then, I guess I’ll just have to MAKE it organic.”, and with a quick eye movement, the suit he was wearing suddenly changed into scales. Dos was taken aback, “A chameleon suit!”, he shakes his head, “I should have known you would have one of them.”, he jumps out of the way of another punch only to have two powerful kick to both sides of his ribs connect. He cries out in pain and quickly grabs the mans leg with his left hand, instantly burning away the scales from the suit. The man makes a quick punch at Dos arm, making him let go of his leg or receive a broken arm. Dos was quick to respond by pointing both hands at the man, letting loose two separate blasts of energy, one form his mechanical arm and one from his charged arm. With a quick swipe of the mace, though, both energy’s were reflected back at Dos. The blaster shot instantly reflected back at the man, smacking him in the shoulder and knocking him to the ground. But the second blast, the one from his left arm, passed right through the shield and smashed into his left arm, blowing it clean off and passing right through it, the wall it hit, and finally exploding as it encountered one final wall in another room. Dos was stunned and looked down at his missing arm, the bloodied stump glowing green with energy. Then he felt it, a terrible pain where his arm should be. His face went into a grimace and then into a twisted face of terrible anger, “You shit! My arm!”, he quickly runs over to the man and easily picks him up into the air and throws him into the 10 foot high ceiling, sending him crashing into it and then the floor, knocking his out cold. Dos reached down, opens the pocket that has his key card, and then says, “If I didn’t have a plan for you and your buddies, I would kill you right now with your own weapon.”

Dos gave a quick look at his stump and watched as his bone reformed and capped it’s self, meat and blood quickly covered the bone, and then skin netted it’s self over the rest, leaving him with a healed glowing stump. He snorted as he said, “Damn. Yet another arm gone. Why the hell do I even replace them any more.”, he remarked as he walked out of the room. Silently, a distorted figure drops from the ceiling and walks over to the man, and with a terrible serpent voice that penetrated the very soul of any who heard it spoke to him, “Meat... wake up.” ‘Meat’ suddenly opens his eyes and jumps to his feet, only to hear a large snap as the bones in his leg finally shattered. Only he didn’t fall to the ground, but endured the terrible pain as he looked at his bosses misshapen eyes, “Sir....”, he says. The ‘creature’ just snorted and said, “You moron. I said you would get your ass handed to you if you attacked him. You should have just given him the card like I told you to.”, Meat nods, “Sorry sir. I just had to fight him, such a power is too tempting for me to pass up.”, the creature smiles, it’s barbed teeth sticking out in every direction, “Yes... I understand. But next time, just follow my orders.”, Meat nods, and with one quick wave of it’s hand, both Meat and the creature were gone.

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Hmmm?
Now it's beginning to get a little to weird for my personal taste, but nevermind about that.

The story took a quite interesting twist here, good job, but I do wish that you would at least try and make it a little more correct grammatically. Your sudden changes in tense makes the story quite an annoying read - make sure you stay with either the past tense or the present tense (I would prefer past tense), 'cause it's damn distracting to read something like: "He went over to the seat and then he suddenly feels tired"

Other than that and a lot of other obvious spelling mistakes (I noticed quite a dozen), the story is interesting and suggests all sorts of things to the reader (which a good story should do).
About the character: Yes, you succeeded in making him an asshole - so much that I'm fervently hoping that he comes to a gruesome end - and he is indeed very powerful (though I initially misunderstood what you meant by 'powerful' - I thought you meant a guy with a strong will and the like).

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Thanks! :D

Sorry about the grammah and speeling mistakes, usually the time I write stuff is at 1 AM. ^^; I'll have to get my friend to read over the next part before I post it (haven't actually started it yet, but I have thought out most of what'll happen. :). She's good at spoting my bad writing. :)

There's another story that I'm writing to test out how well I can write something other then action, so it has a lot of talking and thinking and feelings (it's a Yu-Gi-Oh fanfic though. :). Technically Astreal will be my action fic, since most of my touchy feely stuff is in the other fic, but I'll try and put more of that stuff into this, since I'm aparently better at it then action. :D

Oh, if anyone wants a link to my 'other' story, just ask and I'll post it (or PM it, since I don't really know if it's considered 'nice' to post links to other stories. ^^;), it's about 12000 words though so it'll be a larger read then this story. :)

Anywho, back to writing! B)

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