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[Tactical Burger (Old acc)]

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Edited September 11, 2023 by Tactical Burger 69

[Silhouette 03]

Just be yourself. You don't have to try to be more likable. You shouldn't have to try to be likable to impress others. Ignore those people that avoid you and hold on to the people that see the good in you. Those people really matter.

[OniriA]

1. Don't be an asshole.

 

2. Smile.

 

3. Don't aimlessly follow others.

[Doomkid]

Spike your hair up and go around playing sick guitar solos!

[Sectorslayer]

Having a hard time? Remember, nothing is wrong with you just because others don’t behave like you might wish. Respect them and they are going to respect you. Whether they show it or not. 😉

[deleted-account]

I'll give you a serious answer, bullet-proof advice, and that is to simply be useful 

Hone a skill and use it to become useful to other people.  Be a good chef, a DJ, handy-man, a musician, a programmer, comedian, etc.  The more useful you are the more opportunities that will open up for you in this world.  For instance, if you want to become really "likeable" on this forum, learn to make Doom maps, MIDIs, sprites, or even just test out other people maps and give critique.  That's exactly how the 'popular' people on this site became well-known and celebrated.

Besides that, make sure you make eye-contact when speaking to people, smile, and don't talk about yourself too much.  Keep conversations on a topic that the other person is interested in.  Being nice to other people is a great start, but being nice alone won't get you very far in this world unfortunately.

Edited February 25, 2022 by Robo_Cola

[BigBoy91]

Fart and use racial slurs loudly in public.

[xScavengerWolfx]

Just like Silent wolf said, be yourself. And before you ask no me and silent are not related, just because we have wolf in our names doesn't mean we're related. That's just like saying Adrian Carmack and John Carmack are related but there not.

 

Honestly just be yourself and don't follow the "popular" things that are happing. 

[Nine Inch Heels]

4 hours ago, Womneare said:

So i've noticed recentley that online and irl people tend to a void me and talk/hangout with other people instead of me. I try to be as nice as a can to everyone but i just don't know why this is happening. So if anyone would be willing to help me with this i would be more than thankful

There are myriad ways to become more "likeable" to a degree, as in... Becoming a better conversationalist, for example. Having conversations with others is actually a skill that can be honed, but I'll also add that booksmarts alone will only get you so far...

 

There are "schools of thought" that venture into this sort of stuff and share knowledge with the promise that it might make you more "charismatic"... When given a stern stare, it turns out that at lot of the claims these outlets make are rooted on pseudo-science or just straight up anecdotes of individuals for which no proof can, or will be provided...

 

Personally, I'd avoid the "making friends by way of working for free" angle, because it sets you up for exploitation, and there's no guarantee that what you get in return for your efforts will have a lasting impact either, because even if you get the foot in the door somewhere, you'd still need to be able to keep it there, which, the way this reads to me on the surface, is what you seem to have some problems with. Most of the time, people are "liked" for very different reasons, and those reasons also somewhat dictate how "popular" one can become in any one social environment...

 

Some food for thought: Sometimes, even the village idiot can be the most popular man in town, provided he knows how to capitalize on his own idiocy...

 

If I were you, I'd take a look at what it is that you would consider your strengths, and see if there's a way you can bring in those - and yourself - during conversations... And then just keep at it. Give people some time to get used to you, and don't try to attention-whore the shit out of any given forum or server you're on until you feel as though you are "liked enough"... Social bonds take time to manifest, no way around it. The lack of popularity you think you are experiencing may as well be a result of a lack of patience on your end....

 

It could even be a very simple matter of perspective, where you think you're not appreciated as much as everybody else, because everybody else spends more time with everybody else than with you... But then consider that there may be dozens of "everybody elses" where you hang out, so you're always bound to walk in on some ongoing conversation or whatever, and then get the impression that others hang out with everybody but you... I don't know if this is the case, but I can assure you that sometimes people develop such a perspective for various reasons - some reasons benign in nature, others well worth taking a close look at, perhaps with some support...

[Smoothandz]

After thinking about this for a bit, I came up with a little acronym. These are only based off my personal observations. (yeah, it might be cheesy but if can help someone out, why not give it a shot?)

 

E - Evaluate 

Q - Questions

U - Understand

A - Analyze

L - Language 

 

Start off by evaluating the situation. Is this IRL or are you chatting online? What is the common denominator that brought the both of you together? Ex, most people on this here doom forum like talking about... well doom. Find a subject both parties are interested in.

 

Most people like talking about subjects they are interested in. Keep the questions flowing and keep them interested in the conversation. Just be sure to not bombard them with too many. Add some of your insight into the convo to break up the questions. 

 

Understand what the other person is saying. Be active in furthering the conversation. Humor can go a long way, but it's not always necessary. Be more than an AI chat bot. 

 

Keep in mind to always analyze how the other person is responding. Are the answers getting shorter? Maybe change the subject. Is the other person mentioning another subject often? Steer the convo toward that. Keep it fresh.

 

Now this last one is the hardest to explain for IRL. Keeping tabs on your body language will go a long way. Mind other people's personal space, make eye contact (but try not to stare, that usually comes off as creepy) keep a relaxed stance (avoid crossing your arms for example) and always remember to smile. I would take a guess and assume most people appreciate positivity. As for online, keep in mind you might be talking to some from a different country. Sometimes there might be a language barrier. Be patient and try not to jump to conclusions.  

 

Like I said, this is just my personal approach. If it works for you, glad I could help! Otherwise there are plenty of very likable and intelligent people on this forum that could probably help you out. Thanks for coming to my TED talk and best of luck to you! 

[7Mahonin]

As they say, “I like like you a lot lot”. Keep your chin up! When it comes to DW… Don’t feel discouraged if you don’t get many people responding or “liking” your post here. Just be yourself and don’t chase the heart icon. None of that matters. What matters is that you try to enjoy your time here and provide input where you feel it can add to the conversation. Some of the most important, and often most significant comments tend to have 0-2 “reactions”. Without those comments, some people may have never gotten the help or advice they needed. 
 

When it comes to real life, the best advice I can give you is to learn to be confident in yourself, even if you feel nobody else is confident in you. Confidence is like a laser beam that penetrates everyone around you into their heartstrings. You will be remembered even if they cannot recall your name if your confidence radiates off of you every step you take day in and day out. It takes time, patience, dedication, and above all else determination to believe in yourself all the time… but the reward will be worth it if you fight like hell for it. 

[Caffeine Freak]

I'll try not to repeat anything that's already been said here. One small piece of advice I have: be a good listener. As in, if someone is talking to you about their day, their interests, hobbies, or maybe deeply personal stuff, be able to let them speak to you for an extended period of time, without interrupting them. People genuinely appreciate someone who seems to listen to what they're saying, as opposed to just waiting for their turn to speak. And at the appropriate times, ask them questions to further the dialogue.

 

Obviously, this doesn't apply in all situations, and I'm also not telling you to be anyone's therapist. You have to be able to engage in conversations in meaningful ways and put yourself out there. In order for people to like you, you obviously have to talk to them in a friendly, relatable way. But the flipside (and an undervalued lesson, in my opinion) is that you have to learn to shut your mouth and let other people speak. You'll be surprised at how much people open up when you do.  

[Csucskos]

I'm just wondering. What do you mean by "hangout with other people instead"?

 

What I've learned so far is friendships are hard to make but even harder to keep alive. Usually noone will /just/ "talk with you". And it's not that I'm this pessimistic that's just what I do myself. I spend time with who I like and whose company I enjoy. And also as I said, keeping friends is a work you just HAVE to put in the effort and can't just wait till people come to you... because others come only when they want to use you (because you are famous or I dunno). And again, this is because they are people too with lives and they probably don't want to waste their time on you just because you need attention unless you can provide actual value for them.

 

So my general rule is work on yourself and do what makes you happy and don't envy others. That'd be totally useless. And if you want to talk with others... well, go and talk with them. Organize get-togethers, hikes, gamenights, beerparties or whatever. You'll probably won't always be successful, but that is OK. There's a difference between talking to everybody and having fewer but actual, genuine, reliable friends. And remember, appreciate what/who you have because you too want to be appreciated and don't take them granted.

[RDETalus]

It's not easy to understand your problems without more detailed information.
 

6 hours ago, Womneare said:

I try to be as nice as a can to everyone

This isn't always a good thing. You always want to treat other people with respect. But if you go too far and do things like apologize constantly for no reason or act like a servant, people get weirded out and avoid you or try to take advantage of you.

 

6 hours ago, Womneare said:

irl people tend to a void me and talk/hangout with other people instead of me

Are you waiting on other people to initiate things with you? Or are you the one initiating things, but the other person just wants to avoid you in response?

[Azuris]

Be yourself.

 

You just have a to be at the same Wave Length as the other Person.

 

I knew People with the exact same Interests and they felt so strange to me.

On the other Side my best Friends did not share much of my Interests.

It worked automaticly.

[Gregor]

I would advice you not to listen to people that tell you "just to be yourself". If it was that easy you wouldn't have a problem in the first place. Like, if you are good at making music, you don't really know why or how. It is just naturally easier for you and always has been and that's all you can share as advice. "Just be yourself!" Not very helpful. Having said that, in the end they're right. The best version of yourself is always gonna be enough but depending on how far you are from being that version you might have to do a lot of self improvement first. On the other hand, the less you care about other people's opinions about yourself, the less "improving" you will have to do just to fit in. It's up to you to find the right balance there.

Take care.

 

Edited February 26, 2022 by Gregor

[Duderald]

Be interesting. Like, don't look like you're starved for attention and do your own thing that interests everyone in the circle you're sitting in.

[Chezza]

Add more points into Charisma.

[Lippeth]

My high school shop teacher had a mantra that always stuck with me: Be respectful, responsible, and fun to be around.

[Rykzeon]

18 minutes ago, Chezza said:

Add more points into Charisma.

It is said that spending most of point on Charisma and Luck can dramatically increase your chance to success in the game called Real-Life. Don't forget to spend points on Intelligence and Wisdom too.

[TheMagicMushroomMan]

15 minutes ago, Rycuz said:

It is said that spending most of point on Charisma and Luck can dramatically increase your chance to success in the game called Real-Life. Don't forget to spend points on Intelligence and Wisdom too.

That works out fine until you die of a stubbed toe because you don't have enough HP to withstand the injury.

[Dubbag]

On 2/25/2022 at 3:14 PM, Doomkid said:

Spike your hair up and go around playing sick guitar solos!

trust me talent doesnt make people like you. Most of the time no one cares lol.

Edited February 27, 2022 by Dubbag

[Daytime Waitress]

6 hours ago, Doomkid said:

Spike your hair up and go around playing sick guitar solos!

Great, now I've got a mental image of Zappa with hair like Benimaru from King of Fighters.

 

And now I like Doomkid less.

 

OP, there's a lesson in this for you.

[Nevander]

12 hours ago, Womneare said:

So i've noticed recentley that online and irl people tend to a void me and talk/hangout with other people instead of me. I try to be as nice as a can to everyone but i just don't know why this is happening. So if anyone would be willing to help me with this i would be more than thankful

I wish I had advice for you but I don't. Mainly because I've always been in the same boat. I don't know what's wrong with me or why I can't relate to anyone IRL. Online is different because I can truly be myself. But IRL being myself means being a lonely nerdy loser who wastes his time playing video games and not making friends. Nobody likes that kind of guy. If they did I'd actually have friends. You know how much fun you can have with a 30 year old guy who sits at his mom's house and plays a game he's played at least 50 times? I'll give you a hint: jumping head first into a cactus would likely be more fun. Like I said, shitty advice. I guess I'm feeling depressed right now.

[UnknDoomer]

Quote

Spike your hair up and go around playing sick guitar solos!

 

@Doomkid in a nutshell.

 

You know, what they said - "This is not exit" (c) American Psycho. 

 

But, anyhow, if talk seriosly. My message probably will destroy the idyll of positive advices and happinies, that has developed here, but nevertheless - welcome to non existing community of dark city dwellers, kid.

 

No one basically give a real care, everybody by default stick to their own state of mind and problems, as I can tell you from own experience, it's just a rather a random factor that someone will count you as a friend / not / etc., place your own pick. The only probably working way here is keep looking in a lazy way / doing own thing and forget to care about at all. In other words - reset the significance of this issue up to zero, stop hardly pushing youself in a way of trying. This might lead to that one day you will get what you want - friends, date, work, whatever, or rather, perhaps, there might better be nothing. Same as at least with the time you will realize that life become more calm and clear, while by the same time you can realize that some lifes of the "positive minded" folks you have around only looked good from the side, but it's actually not.

 

All this "be polite", "listen" and other basic obvious adviсes from "personal development" (and such) stories exist around usually not working and will only leads to become a sort of conformist guy. Nobody truly likes them and nobody needs them. It might dive you into in sort of so called "friends" circle for a while, but will not really give what you are looking for.

Edited February 27, 2022 by UnknDoomer

[CBM]

2 hours ago, Nevander said:

I wish I had advice for you but I don't. Mainly because I've always been in the same boat. I don't know what's wrong with me or why I can't relate to anyone IRL. Online is different because I can truly be myself. But IRL being myself means being a lonely nerdy loser who wastes his time playing video games and not making friends. Nobody likes that kind of guy. If they did I'd actually have friends. You know how much fun you can have with a 30 year old guy who sits at his mom's house and plays a game he's played at least 50 times? I'll give you a hint: jumping head first into a cactus would likely be more fun. Like I said, shitty advice. I guess I'm feeling depressed right now.

I can relate

 

But I dont have a life IRL or online and I no longer have parents

 

I havent been able to live at home for atleast 15 years

 

I am 42 btw and deeply depressed

 

Im freaking out, I have a million things to do at home Before my wife comes Home, I have a kid at home with serious mental illnesses that I need to somehow care for, I myself have a mental illness, I have 2 Cats to care for, no money, no job since 2020 , I just cant do this

 

I just cant

 

I have no friends and it has been this way for atleast 15 years and back when I had friends then they just exploited me

 

I barely slept last night Because my wife was yelling at me until Late Because I cant do all the Stuff She expects of me

 

Plus Its been a year since the wife and I ...you know...

 

Edited February 26, 2022 by CBM

[Doomkid]

@CBM, @Nevander, and @Womneare, it truly sucks that you guys are in the situations you’re in. My first post was just goofing around, but on the serious side, I hope for positive change in your lives. I don’t want to pretend I know any solutions, but sometimes when I feel shit, it’s nice to hear someone say something like “it’s shit now, but it will get better”.

 

A lot of people are really isolated - I think it’s a lot more common than many want to admit. I don’t have/didn’t have problems making friends (or at least acquaintances) at school and work, but if I was starting from ground zero and unluckily had no work friends I got along with, I have no idea where I’d start. I know it doesn’t help.. but I hope knowing you’re not alone makes it feel less like you’re in some isolated pit, separate from the rest of humanity.. It’s hard to tell, but a lot of us are there too. All I can do is hope you guys stay strong enough to climb out of that proverbial pit.

[Sectorslayer]

@CBM You need professional help. I’m guessing you know that already. Don’t stop trying to find some. 

[CBM]

15 minutes ago, sectrslayr said:

@CBM You need professional help. I’m guessing you know that already. Don’t stop trying to find some. 

I am getting help from both a psyciatrist and soon also a psycologist but it doesnt really help me.

I am fighting some really really dark urges.

[Nine Inch Heels]

On 2/26/2022 at 3:11 AM, CBM said:

I am getting help from both a psyciatrist and soon also a psycologist but it doesnt really help me.

I am fighting some really really dark urges.

Gonna cut in here real quick, because what I've seen a while ago right here looked deeply concerning to me... I'll preface this by pointing out that, while I do psychology for moneys, my specialization isn't "making sad people happy"; my academic orientation leans towards "making happy people happier" - might not sound like there's much of a difference, but you would be surprised... Obviously I also can't just "fix anything" for you, or really help you fix anything. Even though all of this sounds like the opening to the most perfectly useless post ever made, I do believe there is still something I am able to contribute that you may find valuable to some extent...

 

When it comes to psychiatrists, depending on where you live and what your situation as a whole entails, psychiatrists can range from "useful source of advice and good outlet for problems" to "source of antidepressants only". If you expect more out of your psychiatrist than just the prescriptions, I would suggest you find one who is willing to put in a lil more effort, although, based on what I've been told by various clients of my own thus far, I wouldn't get my hopes up...

 

...The real meat, usually, is the therapy and counselling side of things, because that's where you get to work with people who specialize in hearing you out, and giving you the means to articulate what you think it is that makes the situation you are faced with as bad as it is to you. Unfortunately, not every counsellor you'll meet and greet on your path forward will be the right one for you... And both you and your therapist/counsellor should be honest with each other if either one of you gets the sense that, for your purposes, the professional arrangement you're in just won't bear fruit...

 

That's not to say you should throw the baby out with the bathwater when it comes to counselling either... More often than not, you are looking at half a dozen appointments before the ice truly breaks, and your respective therapist has a good idea as to which way they should "guide" your attention in order to make sure that the appointments you have end up being productive. I know, I'm probably merely stating the obvious here, but please keep it in mind, because I've seen a few too many people mistake this vague feeling of stagnation for an indication of futility with respect to their personal goals and hopes... TL;DR: keep at it, even if it feels pointless for a time, if no change occurs in any way, maybe change things up and find yourself another therapist, if possible...

 

Last but not least... The situation as you described it seems like there are a few too many things there that therapy of any sort just cannot fix. What I'm about to say here is speculative, I'll concede that, straight up. However, I suggest you consider it anyhow... You seem miserable for all sorts of reasons, that much seems clear as day, but what's up with your wife? Don't you think she should be the one to actually support you a lil instead of putting you down after finding a spec of dust where she didn't want to see any? What I am getting at is that I see reasons to suspect that the anguish you are going through is not at all just a result of your own wrongdoing and supposed inadequacy (depression likes to make you think you're no good at all, as I'm sure you've noticed), therefore, regardless of how hard you work on yourself, there are going to be externalities which need to be changed in some way, because these externalities are toxic in nature. And you just might wanna keep this in mind for when you want to evaluate the degree to which therapy is turning out as a success for you, because it's easy to lose track of things like this. Regardless, I think it's important not to trick yourself into thinking or expecting that all the things which drag you down are also yours to fix somehow, never mind that you're not the one to blame for everything...

 

Also, don't be too hard on yourself. Fighting depression is one of the hardest things ever, because you need to do stuff while your condition does everything it can to make you do less and less. Don't expect to win on your first try, don't expect to win within half a year, either - you may be in it for a couple years in the end. It is worth it, though. Life can be very beautiful - which it will be once you've managed to fight back the devil that is telling you day in and day out that everything sucks for a loser such as yourself, no matter what you do... You're not a loser in my book, though, because you are already doing the difficult part, which is putting in effort and looking for help. You have the essentials that make your life very beautiful again in your grasp already, you need only hold on to them tightly. Fighting back aggressively is what depression is most afraid of, so keep seeing your therapist of choice, and eventually you will have available to you the means...

Edited February 27, 2022 by Nine Inch Heels