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FanFic: You Drove Me to It

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Another Doom fanfic for all the doom fans to enjoy in which ever doom
related way they wish.


   You Drove Me to It
   A Fucking FanFic by HellSpawn


                         Missy aggravation 
                       Some sacred questions 
                        You stroke my locks 
                          Some marijuana
                         If you got some 
                            Gouge Away

Well fuck you dude.  Like, fuck you hard up the ass and straight out of your mouth
into the face of whoever you're talking to at that particular moment in time.  You
crossed me man, you screwed me like a bitch and now you're gonna pay like a sleazy
businessman with a pimps knife held to his throat.

You probably think I'm dead.  Eaten to death by some bright pink monstrosity from
hell straight out of the pages of some freaking dungeons and dragons manual.  And
you know I always HATED dungeons and dragons.  You were always trying to get me
to play the nerdish wank back in Upper Tier Education Establishment.  Was that
what this was about, was it?  You could never get me to play that shit so you
dropped me right into some fucking real life enactment of it?  Well your face,
my fist, "buddy", next time I see you.  Which might be a lot sooner than never,
which I guess is what you're expecting.

Maybe you say I'm being harsh, maybe you say I don't know all the facts.  Maybe
you really didn't mean to drop me in this shit creek without an oar or even a
fucking BOAT.  But somehow that matters only a fairly irrelevant amount while
I'm up to my fucking eyeballs in the corpses of demons spawned from the hairy
testicles of Satan himself.  And you KNOW I'm a fucking atheist, so I don't
know why the hell I'm talking shit about Satan 'cause that's just a fucking
straight up fairy story even children don't believe anyway.  Yet as I unload
another round of buckshot into the face of another horned monstrosity I'm finding
it harder to explain this shit as either a dream or the planet Venus magnified by
the atmosphere.  Especially since Mars doesn't even have a fucking atmosphere to
speak of.  Although to think about it, how often do you speak of the atmosphere
of Earth?  Its not like you meet a colleague in the morning and go "Ooh, nice
atmosphere today isn't it?"  And he goes "Yes Lewis, one of the best I've seen
this moon phase."  But I digress, and I don't want to digress because the point
of this rant is not to discuss atmospheric appreciation its to tell you how
FUCKING PISSED I am.  And not in the English pissed-as-in-drunk meaning of the
word either, in the American I'm-gonna-kick-your-ass-when-I-see-you type of the
meaning.  But I digress AGAIN.

I still remember, a year ago, when you contacted me.  I was living a good life on
Earth.  Sure ground base security didn't pay the best wage imaginable but it was a
steady job with no weird shit going on.  But then you had to turn up, after seven
years with no contact since we left Upper Tier Educational Establishment, working
for the UAC too only as a fancy fucking research scientist not some low level grunt
like me, smoking fags and shooting the breeze in the security office all day long.

Of course, you were all smiles and sunshine and "how are you old boy, haven't seen
you in donkey's years!"  Although in donkeys years it would have been roughly twenty
five so you would have been a little off, but THATS NOT THE POINT.  The point is
bitchcakes, you fucking crossed me.  You fucking left me to die on this godforsaken
(not that he exists) planet while you and your scientist buddy's jet off back to
Earth in perfect safety.  Or more likely sit in orbit watching us slugs get
slaughtered while you make fucking notes about it like we're some kind of freaking
lab rats in a fucking lab full of rats and experiments and shit.

"Mars!" You said, your eyes lighting up like some kinda pinball machine.
"Its the next frontier old boy.  The old U to the A to the C is going to establish
a base their pretty damn pronto. From what I hear on the QT, they're thinking of
going the whole hog and terraforming the red brute, can you imagine?"

Oh I could imagine of course.  I could also imagine, after you'd excitedly told me,
of all the great opportunities that would be available for an up and coming grunt
like myself.  Why I could be head of base security in a couple of years!  You could
put in a few choice words to the ear(s) of the project personnel administrator and
secure me an easy ticket into a job on the red planet.  Hell with the kind of money
they'd be paying I could retire at forty five and still be able to buy that holiday
cottage in Siberia I'd always wanted!  If I wanted to stay on till the terraforming
was finished I'd be richer still, given my own plot of land on the new planet for
me and my family.  Hell it was a fucking no lose situation, as you repeatedly
insured me.  Yet here I am, standing in the middle of what was once the Olympus
Mons Main Base with a shotgun in my hand the corpse of a dead terror from hell
hanging off each arm, practically swimming in a pool of fetid blood and I AM 

Sure the first few months were good times.  Setting up the base, getting to know
my new crew, admiring the bleak red landscape all around and most of all thinking
of all the money I was earning in my own shallow materialistic way.  But of course
that's when things started to go wrong, very fucking wrong.  So wrong they should
have overloaded the wrongness integer and come right back around into non-wrongness
again if it weren't for the fact that wrongness is CLEARY NOT STORED AS AN INTEGER.

First it was the madnessesses.  Guys going from perfectly sane one day to perfectly
fucking nuts the next, all because they'd spent a bit too much time in close
proximity to the fucking... D Lab.  I can hardly even say the name.  Jesus (was
just a man not the fucking son of god) fucking Christ, what the hell were you 
nerdish freaks doing in there?  The place gave off an aura of fear and evil so
strong the UAC lawyers actually used to meet outside there every morning for a
coffee and motivational session.  But the guys going mad was just the beginning.
Soon they weren't going missing, they were disappearing into fat fucking air,
only to turn up later so mangled even their fucking DNA got squeamish when we
asked it to identify them.  I knew it was something to do with the weird shit
you were doing in D Lab.  I asked you of course and you gave me the standard
answer, "Sorry its classified old boy, you understand of course?"  Well I FUCKING

And so it happened, just as  I knew it would eventually.  I slept with a shotgun
under my pillow for three months.  Well its not like I actually got a wink of
sleep with that hunk of metal under there but at least I felt fucking secure.
And like I said, it happened.  I got the call over the commlink at 4:36am, some
kind of attack in progress, strange pink creatures with sharp teeth and horns
trying to eat us, oh no here they come, arrrrgh, oh the pain, oh goaaaaaaawd,
aarrgrhrgh.  I tried to contact you, but was informed the science level had been
sealed off to all fucking outside comms and the main escape craft prepared for
launch.  How typical I thought, something goes wrong so just seal up the grunts
and let the fucking brainy nerds get a free flight out of there.  Is that the
only reason we were there in the first place?  Just cannon fodder for whatever
insane experiments you were conduct-


The door beside Lewis blew open in a most explosion like manner.  Out of it
stepped the esteemed Victor Siberman PhD toting a shotgun in one hand and looking
fairly dapper despite the mass quantities of demon blood soaked into his white lab

For a moment Lewis was simply too shocked to speak, but he soon found his voice;
"You fucking bastard!" he cried and launched himself at the cultured scientist.
The two men rolled and tussled somewhat ineffectively.  

"What-what, explain the meaning of this nonsense man," said Victor as he gained
a slight upper hand over the large but also slower man.

"You fucking stabbed me in the back!  I trusted you and now look at this fine mess
you've gotten us into!"

"Ha-ha, yes its not exactly a pretty picture at the moment is it?  Still when did
the course of true science ever run smooth?"  Victor grinned knowingly.  Quite
what he knew and quite how he was able to express this knowledge simply by
grinning is open to debate.  Feel free to post your opinions on this and other
pressing issues in replies to this thread.

"Look Victor, I'm about read to snap your fucking neck like a particularly brittle
twig, so don't give me the cunting run around like normal. What. The . Fuck. Is.
Going. On.  Bitch."

The bruised but not beaten scientist sighed deeply and said, "teleportation old
chap, that seems to have been the beastly route of it all.  We were going
experimentational teleportational experiments in D Lab, trying to get a reliable
way of moving mass across large distances instantly.  Would have made the
terraforming easier than getting an AGM officer in the sack after a Christmas party!"  

"So what the hell went wrong, and why the hell is it hanging off my arms?"

"Seems something, or some things, caught wind of our experiments and used our
teleport waves to surf in to our dimension."

"Charlie don't surf," said Lewis somewhat inexplicably, "any idea how to get rid
of them?"

"I say we take off and nuke the site from orbit, its the only way to be sure."

"Shut up Ripley, nobody asked for your opinion," said Victor, "personally I think
we should go on a dangerous and foolhardy quest deep into the bowels of the base,
venture into D Lab and find the main shutdown switch for the teleporters.  Once
they're down these monsters won't be able to send in reinforcements, then they'll
be easy pickings for the army and small children  wishing to claim their first
scalp and prove their manhood."

"Well that was a long sentence an to be honest I can't really be arsed reading
it all," said Lewis with some random emotion, make it up jesus, "you don't think
the writer is getting bored of this story do you?"

"Fucked if I know," said Victor, "and what the fuck happened to my English
characterization, old chap.  Oh there it is, old bean.  Anyway, lets get on
with this stupid mission thing.  Ripley are you coming?"

"Yes! Oh god yes! YES!  YEEEEEEEEEEEESSS!"


CHAPTER MXXXVVVIII (that's 2 in sane-o numbers)

                      Sleeping on your belly 
                         You break my arms 
                        You spoon my eyes 
                     Been rubbing a bad charm 
                        With holy fingers 
                            Gouge Away

We found D Lab without much trouble.  There was a couple of thousand monsters between
us and it, but we dealt with them easily enough.  Fortunately someone had been kind
enough to go around dropping medical kits and boxes of military weapon ammunition
around the base, so we were never wanting for either.

The door to D Lab was a little scary to say the least, very scary to say the most,
so probably somewhere in-between the two.  I wanted to kick the mutha down but I
guessed that wouldn't be sensible and we looked for the key instead.  We found it
eventually, it was a bright yellow circuit board somebody had put on top of a big
switch activated platform.  

"Who the cunting shitting arsing fagging frigging freaking fucking hell put it
there?"  I asked Victor who just smiled and turned away.  I smacked him upside
the head and repeated the question.

"Who knows, there are some things man was not meant to know!  It was probably
one of the interns though, those stupid jokers are always messing around hiding
the keys to labs."

We entered Lab D using the yellow key circuit-board.  Inside the air smelt of
teleportation, and a slight hint of garlic, but that could just have been a bit
of my lunch coming back up.  There were three corridors leading away into the
lab.  I angled my breath away from Victor to avoid embarrassment and asked, 
"Which way now?  Cunt."

"Well I don't like the look of the first way, the second way smells slightly
of garlic, so I guess it'll have to be the third way."

"Third time lucky!" I said totally insanely.  Victor just shook his head sadly,
turned and walked down the third corridor muttering something about me being a
stupid fucking idiot shithead with genital herpes of the face and brain.

The Lab was dark, deserted, desolate and probably some other synonyms of those
words, so long as they begin with D.  Occasionally we would run across a horde
of horrific demons from hell which we would be forced to dispatch in a thrilling
and bloody battle, but nobody wants to hear about that.  What you really want to
hear about is my thinly disguised views on the current moral and political climate,
expressed through pointlessly transparent allegory.  Well let me tell you I hated
that stupid fucking warmongering monkey they had in charge of the base and I
wanted Humans and Martians to live in harmony as was intended in the grand plan
of the great benevolent (almost god-like) being Reestrumkeldrada whom I worshipped
more than I used to worship false idols such as Haagandaazell.  

Yes, that monkey really pissed me off, but there was no time to think about that
shit, as we were suddenly put upon by another group of savage demon things.  They
were getting stronger and stronger too, would we even be able to make it to the main
shutoff switch alive?

Yes.  We actually found the main switch a few minutes later and flipped it like
a fat lorry driver flips the bird to a stupid fucking old lady in her stupid
fucking little car which he could ram off the road if he wanted and yet still
has to actually wait behind and lights and not just ram off the road like he
should be able to.  Just like that.



		      Chained to the pillars 
			 A three day party 
		 	 I break the walls 
			  And kill us all 
			 With holy fingers 
                             Gouge Away

The first thing she noticed when she woke up was that she was chained to the
wall.  This wasn't actually the first time this had happened, there had been
that guy she'd dated in college who'd like to get up to some funky stuff.  But
she wasn't dating him anymore, unless the last ten years had been some kind of
horrific nightmare of soap-opera implausible twist proportions.  What's more,
while Bobby had been into chains, he hasn't been into doing it in stinking cesspit
demon spawning nests as far as she recalled.  True she had smoked enough weed
to make her memory of those years a little hazy, but surely she would remember
something like that?  Right?

Obviously the only way to find out for sure was either to draw sensible
conclusions like a sane person or adopt an either-way outlook and search for
evidence for each possibly, no matter how different the likelihood between them
was.  She knew which to choose without having to even choose, which made the
whole question of which to choose somewhat pointless, but at least she could
have chosen if she was required to, she reflected.  On a mirror that was across
the room.  She realised suddenly that this was her room, where she has laid down
to go to sleep not five hours ago, she hadn't recognised it with a the masses of
demon slime and tentacles semi organic mass that now hung and clumped into its
every corner.  But then, who would?

At that moment the raptor walked into the room.  It was a hideous thing, she'd
have probably have turned it down it had asked for a date, so hideous it was.
It didn't look like dating was high on its agenda though, it looked  like it had
decided to skip that entire social ritual and get straight to business.  Her
worst fears were confirmed when it whipped out a big black briefcase and pulled
out a set of legal papers.  It grinned a toothy yet surprisingly white and bright
smile, the hell dental plan must be pretty good she guessed.

"Well now, bitchfucking whore, it seems I have you trapped!" The monstrous
monster laughed monstrously at nothing in particular.  Possibly it was laughing
at its own sentence in that pointless way villains are sometimes prone to do, or
possibly it had just thought of something funny it saw on TV the night before.
It was always bad when that happened, you'd be sitting at work trying to be all
serious and professional when you'd think of this funny thing and have to spend
the next half hour trying to control your stupid adolescent giggles while
everybody else looked on like you'd gone fucking crazy.  She shook her head to
dislodge this pointless train of thought and turned her attention back to the
demony thing with the papers and the bright smile.

"So what, you're trying to sell me insurance?"  She raised an eyebrow, then lowered
it again.

"Pff," the demon 'said' although it wasn't really speech so much as an emission
of air, "Insure my anus, I'm here to offer you-"


The demons' head disappeared in a cloud of blood.  The cloud cleared to reveal
the character the read knows as Lewis standing behind the demon shotgun in hand,
smoke pouring from the barrel and from the cigar he held clenched between his

"Deals off," he said in his usual totally nonsensical manner.  Victor had just
arrived behind him and used his pocket laser knife (DEUS EX MACHINA) to  cut
the chains binding her to the wall.

"Hi, my names Lewis," said Lewis.

"Julie," she replied, "Julie Gilligan."

"So you're a woman eh?"


"I like that in a girl."

"Its fairy standard."

"You haven't seen my hometown at night."


"So are you going to the third part of the action trio?  We have a brain guy,
an action guy and now the sassy love interest."

"I'm a lesbian."

"Hey, me too!"

"No seriously."

"Well nobody's perfect."

She sighed, this looked like it would be a long day.  Looks can be deceiving
of course and in fact they were rescued just twelve point three for eight minutes
later.  The three were separated for debriefing and she never saw them again.
She caught a rare degenerative ocular disease and lost her vision in both eyes
almost immediately.  She later renounced her lesbianism and married Victor,
having realised that scientists, with their big brains and English accents were
far sexier than normal men (or women) with their stupid American accents and
other crap.



				Gouge away
                            You can gouge away
                               Stay all day
                              If you want to
                                Gouge away

In 2412 the terraforming of Mars was completed.  The first person selected to
step out unprotected onto the grassy surface of New Mars was Jamie Eason Delacroix.
As he emerged from the Olympus Mons dome, his heart collapsed within his chest,
he fell to his knees, and died on his back.  It was a sign they said of something
there.  Something evil.  Something left.

                                 THE END
Well thats it, hope you enjoyed it, and if you didn't then whose fault is
that? Mine obviously, but we'll pretend its yours for now.

Until next time, Cheerio!

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Don't feel like reading it all now, but I read the first chapter. Fucking cool story. When you start out reading it, you go like "wtf!?", but then it gradually gets clearer until it all gets crystal clear - a nice way to grap people's attention.

I'll comment on the whole story when I've read it all.

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it seems that nearly no one commented on this, which is a shame, because this story is fucking RAD. bravo, hellspawn.

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Hahaha, that shit was hilarious. Very witty me thinks.
Good job.

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Wtf? I thought I HAD commented on this one. Apparently not it seems, so I'll do it now.

This thing IS great and very original (I commented on a similar fan fic that was inspired by this one). It really seems like some sort of long letter written by a marine who's pissed off beyond recognition.

Great work.

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