a story.

[jute]

5400dsg bvomit doom

from his sanctuary behind the blasted concrete pillar
chester watched as one of the pink demons
lumbered
past
.
8. snorting and frothing.

after the thing w a s
a GREAT DEAL AWAY, chester relaxed.

(wipes brow.
exhales.
)


he saw the thing coming at him

• a flood of vomit pouring
  out
  of his mouth.
  
  
• he pisses himself uncontrollably.
  
  
• death.
  

when chester awoke
unbelieving of what
had
happened




he shoved the chainsaw into his mouth and pushed ‘ctrl’.

[Amaster]

Huh?

[Naked Snake]

BOO

[dsm]

Oh come on, I'm sure you can do better than this. Or are you just spamming using a story as an excuse?

[Darkstalker]

You fail it.

It seems like the fics are getting worse IMO.

[Fletcher`]

This is freestyle to which freeverse is to poetry. But I've yet to read it. :P

Edit: It's not bad, but it's too short. And the spacing doesn't count. :)

I should try this type of writing sometime.

[jute]

ravage said:

This is freestyle to which freeverse is to poetry. But I've yet to read it. :P

Edit: It's not bad, but it's too short. And the spacing doesn't count. :)

I should try this type of writing sometime.

thanks. you're correct in the comparison to free verse. i decided that if i was going to write a fanfic (and this is my first), i should try to make it different. and, yes, unfortunately, i couldn't find a way to make the spacings work, although now i kind of like the feel it has when it's all left-aligned. it IS very short, but i'm thinking of doing more stories in the same style, so maybe i can eventually get the length issues worked out. bbg, dsm, darkstalker, i'm sorry you didn't enjoy it. any comments on why?

[Arioch]

Darkstalker said:

It seems like the fics are getting worse IMO.

Yeah it's all downhill from Imp Encounter.

[jute]

hmm. maybe i'm a glutton for (probably deserved) punishment, but i've just posted another story, which is significantly longer and more traditional stylistically. it's here: http://www.doomworld.com/vb/showthread.php?s=&postid=236268#post236268

[dsm]

pregnant with worms said:

bbg, dsm, darkstalker, i'm sorry you didn't enjoy it. any comments on why?

As much as the style tries to be original, it seems kinda thrown together and makes it harder to read. It is basically hard to completely understand what happens in the story, despite its short lenght.
This is especially due to the rapid jumping in style where you write four lines first, then jumps down to the line in italics which is numbered 8. Then you write "was" like w a s, then you add brackets and then you make a list sort of thing.

Now if you're gonna write a good fan fic, you have to be consistent in your language, else you throw the reader off the hook.

It's ok to write stories like a poem, but be consistent in your style.

[Little Faith]

Don't listen all too much to Dsm. He might be the moderator here and a great writer, but he has his tastes that does not always coincide with those of other forum'ers.

[Dingus Khan]

Similar arguments were used in the beginning of the imagist and freeverse poetry movements. The poets were called inconsistant, ignorant to the "laws" of english and untraditional. Now ironically enough, the imagist/freeverse poets are considered to be some of the best and most well known, mainly for their radical stylings and usages of language that convey emotions rather than structure. It's also nearly impossible for a person to make it through High School without writing an essay on at least one of these poets. The point I'm trying to make? Don't dismiss something simply because it doesnt follow the "formula" that we're all used to.


I'd like to interpret this story. It's difficult to classify it since it seems so much like freeverse poetry, but at the same time it seems very much like freestyle. It's a hybrid.

To start off, this story sets up that Chester is hiding behind a pillar where apparently a fire-fight recently occured.

The demon lumbered past snorting and frothing. The phrase "snorting and frothing" was italicized, adding stress to the line to show the reality of Chester's situation.

"after the thing w a s
a GREAT DEAL AWAY, chester relaxed." Spacing is crucial on these two lines I believe. As I read it there was a stress added to the "w a s", a stress symbolizing that the demon was at one point far away, yet now the narrator lets us know that its whereabouts are uncertain. It also appears that Chester underestimated the creatures distance due to the exaggerated "GREAT DEAL AWAY".

"(wipes brow, exhales)" Chester is relieved. The parentheses indicate how the relief is only marginal however. The environment around him is that of pure chaos and hell. Obviously his relief isn't total.

"he saw the thing coming at him


a flood of vomit pouring
out
of his mouth.


he pisses himself uncontrollably.


death"
The demon wasnt as far away as Chester originally thought. His sense of security was false. Upon realizing the beast was heading for him his fear took hold, causing him to vomit, piss himself and "die". If I hadn't read the other installment of Chester, (degreelessness) I would have interpreted this differently. Apparently the demon attacked him, causing him to black out in what he thought was his death. Since Chester is God(or at least in God Mode), he couldnt have really died.

"when chester awoke
unbelieving of what
had
happened




he shoved the chainsaw into his mouth and pushed ‘ctrl’."
Chester awoke, alone, unbelieving that he is still alive after the grisly demon attack. There was no possible way for him to be living. He wanted to die, as blatantly shown by his suicide attempt, yet couldnt. Chester was ignorant to this fact, and shoved the chainsaw in his mouth and pushed 'ctrl' anyhow.

This is my interpretation of the poem. Whether it be the actual meaning of it, I cannot say since I didn't write it. I figured since it made sense to me, and no one else I would share my interpretation.

[jute]

thank you for that flattering analysis, dingus. i appreciate it.