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Funny Anecdotes

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I was checking out the Reader's Digest and reading the section for funny anecdotes. I couldn't remember any of my own, but I was wondering if you guys had any?

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In AD 2101, war was beginning. What happen? Somebody set up us the bomb! We get signal! What. Main screen turn on! It's you. How are you gentlement? All your base are belong to us. You are on the way to destruction. What you say! You have no chance to survive make your time. Ha ha ha. Take off every 'ZIG'. You know what you doing. Move 'ZIG'. For great justice.

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one day I was looking through the Doomworld forums, saw a thread about funny anecdotes, and decided to post a story about how one day I was looking through the Doomworld forums, saw a thread about funny anecdotes, and decided to post a story about how one day I was looking through the Doomworld forums, saw a thread about funny anecdotes and decided to post a story about how one day... (etc)

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Once upon a time, there was this guy. you know, just some guy. Not special or anything. Well, uh, this guy, who wasn't very special or anything, decided to go on a magical journey (cue cheesy adventure music here). Uh, then this guy (who, need I remind you, was in no way special) decided to go get his sword and um.....cleanse the land of evil. Like it was all good or something the day before, because the day before this guy, who was NOT special in any way, shape, or form, didn't do anything about it then. Oh well.
Then this guy took his big sharp bloody sword (tm) and went up the towering black mountain in the distance, that stood and hovered over the small village where this guy lived like some kind of curse. Some kind of evil magical curse. Heheh. Uh, OK....
Then this dude took his big big BIG sharp bloody sword (patent pending) and entered the Big, Evil, Black Stone Castle (C) and went in to slay the dragon, or something. Anyway, he became a hero, for his uh, brave deeds. Or some shit like that anyway. I don't know, heh.

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I think some people who've posted in this thread aren't aware that anecdotes are supposed to be 'a short account of an interesting or humorous incident', and preferrably true (or at least supposedly true).

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I'm not sure if you mean anecdotes like the following, but here goes:

I haven't failed, I've found 10,000 ways that don't work.

As soon as the war ended, we located the one spot on earth that hadn't been touched by the war and blew it to hell.

I say fuck it. Clone everyone. Clone Humans, animals and TV dinners. Fuck with everything we were not meant to fuck with. And then we'll bathe in a sea of sin.

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This one time I got drunk and ...blah blah blah... What the ... fook... blah blah blah... Never Say Die... blah blah blah... Russell was being a Prick as usual... blah blah blah... "Stupid Garys"... blah blah blah... The Holy Roman Empire...

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I say heh, then I say hah, I say heh, then I say hah, I say heh, then I say hah, I say heh, then I say hah, I say heh, then I say hah, I say heh, then I say hah,

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This is the map that Jack built.

This is the Cyberdemon at the end of the map that Jack built.

This is the rocket launcher that destroys the Cyberdemon at the end of the map that Jack built.

This is the door which blocks the rocket launcher that destroys the Cyberdemon at the end of the map that Jack built.

This is the red key that opens the door which blocks the rocket launcher that destroys the Cyberdemon at the end of the map that Jack built.

These are the 40 Revenants that guard the red key that opens the door which blocks the rocket launcher that destroys the Cyberdemon at the end of the map that Jack built.

These are the 10 Arch-Viles that revive the 40 Revenants that guard the red key that opens the door which blocks the rocket launcher that destroys the Cyberdemon at the end of the map that Jack built.

This is the other Cyberdemon that shoots at you throughout your search for the red key that opens the door which blocks the rocket launcher that destroys the Cyberdemon at the end of the map that Jack built.

This is the vicious flamewar that erupts from the scathing /newstuff Chronicles review because of the switch that was set to "player cross" instead of "player use", which was supposed to open the door which opened the way to the room full of misaligned textures and blinking lights and also contained the horde of Pain Elementals, which don't spit out anything because of the dozens of Lost Souls scattered throughout the map that Jack built.

This is the sound of no one playing the map that Jack built.

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Ok, now for a real anecdote...

Almost twenty years ago on a warm summer night, I was in a Boy Scout meeting. The troop I was in met in a fairly large room on the second floor of a small church. At one point, I started casually leaning on a stained glass window. For a few minutes, nothing happened. Then, without any warning, the window shattered, and my right arm went right through. Fortunately, the window was high enough so that I didn't fall completely through, but the whole area was a mess. I looked at my arm, expecting to see tons of lacerations, but there was nothing except some tiny shards on the skin and one superficial cut no bigger or deeper than a paper cut.

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Ichor said:

This is the map that Jack built.

This is the Cyberdemon at the end of the map that Jack built.

This is the rocket launcher that destroys the Cyberdemon at the end of the map that Jack built.

This is the door which blocks the rocket launcher that destroys the Cyberdemon at the end of the map that Jack built.

This is the red key that opens the door which blocks the rocket launcher that destroys the Cyberdemon at the end of the map that Jack built.

These are the 40 Revenants that guard the red key that opens the door which blocks the rocket launcher that destroys the Cyberdemon at the end of the map that Jack built.

These are the 10 Arch-Viles that revive the 40 Revenants that guard the red key that opens the door which blocks the rocket launcher that destroys the Cyberdemon at the end of the map that Jack built.

This is the other Cyberdemon that shoots at you throughout your search for the red key that opens the door which blocks the rocket launcher that destroys the Cyberdemon at the end of the map that Jack built.

This is the vicious flamewar that erupts from the scathing /newstuff Chronicles review because of the switch that was set to "player cross" instead of "player use", which was supposed to open the door which opened the way to the room full of misaligned textures and blinking lights and also contained the horde of Pain Elementals, which don't spit out anything because of the dozens of Lost Souls scattered throughout the map that Jack built.

This is the sound of no one playing the map that Jack built.


Sounds fun.... (only with tons of ammo, all weapons and a few invincibility powerups)

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In the beginning... ...The end.

What you were expecting something thought-provoking?

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More than once if you ask me.

As for my anecdote, this one time at band camp...

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Assmaster beat you to it.

And now, for your dieing pleasure...

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Assmaster said:

This one time, at band camp...


Rofl!@

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One day, I opened the door to face an infinite amount of chickens. I yelled out "chickens! I'm gonna eat you!" and they scattered. So I walked on down to the drug store to see if I could find myself a job. But they didn't have any jobs, only drugs. So i bought some novacane and shot up.

After staring at the royal blue Sky Gods for a few minutes, I decided to float on down to the municipal building, where I met my friend Arturus and we played a few rounds of skeeball. I won by fourty points. Next, it was a quick slither over to the waterfront park where I watched someone feeding their dogd to the greater pelagic corerants which frequented the place. Not amused, I moved on.

Next stop was the mall. Unfortunately it was closed for repairs (I heard some kid died horribly in the Gap there).

Ringed by a honor guard of lesser war-sprites of Unseelie, I marched over to the CD store to see if they had in any new Buck-Tick. I was greeted by a man who wouldn't know Sister Machine Gun from Bella Morte. I asked for Sexy Stream Liner. He handed me Justin Timberlake's Greatest Hits. "Close enough," I thought to myself, besides the man would probably have trouble determining which house he lived in when he went home later. I purchaced the portable plastic preppy prize and promplty pitched it at some passing pedestrians.

On the way home, I was stopped by a roving horde of unemployed succubi and given a quick in-out in-out by the lasses. After many seconds of heaving and sweating, I thanked the girls for a job well done and thrust my way home through the gathering night.

By this time, it was quite dark and moist and the aroma of freshly-stewed garlic filled the air from the many cyanide shops along Rauvin Street in the Umber District. I strayed through some dark alley in an attempt to make a shorter cut home through the maddening cityscape and was promptly stopped by some burly, bulging, brazen thugs.

"Wherez use goin' punk" asked one burly, bulging, brazen thug. "Nowhere goes I! Vehemently!" I chortled superiorly back at them. In response, they seemed to seethe with seething anger. They burled. They bulged. They brazed.

Thirteen minutes, sixty-two seconds later I was back home enjoying some delicous rhubarb-leaf tea by the fireside.

THE END

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the_Danarchist said:

Acid Trip

I want what he's on!

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fraggle said:
This one time I got drunk and ...blah blah blah... What the ... fook... blah blah blah... Never Say Die... blah blah blah... Russell was being a Prick as usual... blah blah blah... "Stupid Garys"... blah blah blah... The Holy Roman Empire...


What the?! THAT WAS YOU?!!

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Heh, once upon a time I tripped over a rock, and the spiders in my stomach screamed and clawed within me for supremacy. The carrots floating in my eyes turned all the egg whites down, however, and the ground laughed until it turned purple. Then the sidewalk vomited and the light poles that were upside down turned inside out while chewing on computer monitors and discussing Newtonian theory.
True story.

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That happened to me once. The only difference is that right after the sidewalk turned purple, a two-eyed cyclops, an elephant fairy a blue camel spider, and three plaid yaks started doing the Nutcracker backwards. After that, I saw the moon rolling down the street, followed by the Dopefish, which ate all the dancing bananas.

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Hmmm, sounds like your trip was harder than mine. I remember before I tripped over that damn rock, I saw a strangle hole appear in the sky and dozens of short fat little men dressed up like beets and carrying silver plated trackballs appeared out nowhere. They said they were "going to hurt me" and that I should "shut up", despite the fact I hadn't said anything.
Shortly afterwards, one of them tripped me, causing to fall over said rock.

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Nothing like that happened, but right after the three-headed Elvis impersonator impersonator sacrified a live penguin to the cow god Moolor, the rock spouted tiny legs and ran away.

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Stupid walking rocks. One of them kicked me really hard in the shins after I was done talking to Brother Pickle about the floating ice cream island out in the middle of the desert. He and me were going to go on a greate Google hunt for the missing Tentpeg of the Ancients.

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Think no-one cares about you? Just miss a few car insurance payments and watch yourself get proven very wrong fast.

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