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Manga Girl Marchelle

A fan fic I'm working on, tell me if it's good enough to continue.

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here is the opening:


"Nightmares, they don't matter, if youve lived through what I have, they wouldn't matter, phobos, deimos, even the original earth, all gave me worse paranoia each time I think about them. the worst place you could go though, is hell.

Hell is underated.

The devil doesn't exist. in hell you can die, even if you're dead. demons torment your body, kill you. and one day, they will rule again.

The mage, I see him in my dreams. The mage, I don't know why I call him that. But when I first saw him, it was B.C. I'm sure of it, demon's reigned, not the ones I saw, but worse, even the humans seemed to be demons. And I thought hell invading earth was bad. this was before hell. before christ. but the mage, I was sure he was related to christ. One day, in the country now known as mexico, the only devil, El Diablo, was bashing through demons heading toward the mage. The twisted, red, gargauntion visage of him stood over the mage as if to strike. But the mage quickly lifted off his hood, he was a demon, maybe, a good demon, but I was sure he was.

His face blood splattered red, skeletal with three horns, one on his chin, the other on the back of his head.

This is when I would awake.

What happened I don't know. The last I saw of the dream was water filling the area extinguishing the fire, killing el diablo, and the mage, swimming to the top, cross in hand, dying as he went. I see him even awake. He talks to me, warning me of the new demon age, that hell is gone. Hell being gone sounded wonderful, but the mage said it would be horrible. I walk upon the land of new earth, seeing through my job as a guard, along with Ranger, over the slip gates.

One day I came to work and the slip gate had cracked, a leg and a the side of rangers head and helmet where bloodstained.

He was dead.

Not again. I ran back to the city. all was fine. What had happened. I don't know.

Two weeks after ranger's death: I sat watching the television. A news outbreak came on, over thousands of people have either been completley severed, or their skin gets ripped off and the internal organs taken away. I had no idea what the hell was happening. The mage came to me again, he said that the newest demon breeds were feeding on limbs and organs to grow stronger. I stayed in my home, doors bolted and secured, my pistol and shotgun waiting by my side. I looked out the windows, the streets were empty except animals.

I looked more carefully. I saw a cat trotting along. but the cat seemed to look odd. it's eye caked with blood, it was missing a leg as well, I grabbed my pistol, lobbed the shotgun over my shoulder, grabbed 2 shells and went out. I grabbed the cat. It screeched in pain and terror and I carried it around the streets. I heard a wisping noise. The cat started to shake more. I then felt an extremly cold and uncomfortable feeling, I reached my hand out and felt around. the cold seemed closer.

I was startled as the cat's forehead burst open and a group of claw marks took off the rest of the poor creature's head. I reached out and gripped where the claw marks were. I saw red and blue liquid forming a shape. as a creature appeared. the creature was very humanoid, only it seemed to be made of many different body parts, its free claw reached out. it seemed to be extremely long, it reached and grabbed my chest and closed it's grip."


there is the opening, tell me should I continue

[mod]Paragraphed and *slightly* edited for your convenience.[/mod]

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I'm sorry, I should have a more sensitive outlook on life. I'm sorry for offending you, I will read it over again and give more constructive criticism.

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The fanfic both looks and sounds like it was written while on some kind of psychedelic.

There is definately some kind of coherence, but it is not of the grammatical kind, neither of the logical.

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If I were you, I'd start editing the opening completely.

The story might be interesting enough if only there were some sort of coherence - you introduce stuff way too quickly and too sudden.
But one thing that's really screaming for improvement is the lack of paragraphs.
Everytime I see a fan fic where the writer failed on the fundamental principle of writing in easily digestible paragraphs (i.e. no paragraphs at all or not enough of them) it simply kills my desire to read the story (a hint as to why I haven't read it until now).

Also, you need to effectively separate the story from "normal ramblings about the story (i.e. "here's the opening") - a way to do that would be like this:

"Here's an opening of my fan fic. I'll continue it if you like it.




Now tell me if you want me to continue."

You also need to explain things more carefully. Write things in easily understandable language. I had a hard time understanding a few things in the story (B.C.? Before Christ? Wtf?).
Explain stuff - like, who's this Ranger guy (the Quake 1 dude?), what is this Mage and what does he look like, how does he act, etc.

Finally, you need to put this thing through a spell & grammar checker - it is extremely annoying for the reader to be forced to deal with severe spelling mistakes and grammatical errors. I don't expect perfection and I don't mind a few spelling errors (I believe English is not your native language which is fair enough), but a little effort to bring the number of errors to a readable level I expect.

I'm sure this story has potential to be interesting, but it will require you to write it in an interesting fashion.

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I thought it was pretty cool and weird, and I'd like to see more. It does need some work though, as it is now everything just seems to run together.

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It's really good! I love you Manga Girl Marchelle! May I be the daughter of your children?!

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actually, I have not posted this on the fan fic forums, but my previous doom spin offs say that there was a second survivor. him following doom guy around but usually hiding due to he is very afraid of the man. this is why Doom guy finds a fair amount of previously dead bodys. this guy came in when he saw doom guy first grab a soul sphere. and of course he must of known what doom guy had gone through, and also in some of those spin offs, doom guy killed himself after making sure people were completly safe on "new earth". so thats why he says he's the only one who lived through all of it, he is a marine, just one who had a problem with going berserk on his own face.

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................... .................. ............... ................. ............. ............ okay....... how did my sister get in?????? or should I say my bro...................................

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SirTimberWolf said:

speaking of randomness..
I have *never* seen a DooM Fanfic with the protagonist as a civilian...
somethin to think about for all you writers out there

I've seen plenty of stories with a civilian protagonist in them - sorry, nothing new there.

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