Jump to content
Search In
  • More options...
Find results that contain...
Find results in...
Job

The First Time You Met Post Hell

Recommended Posts

This is a tale of woe and heartache. A story that will remain emblazoned upon my heart for all my life. Come, sit down and I shall tell you all...

The day was beautiful, almost hauntingly so, with the most rare and wonderful sapphire colored skies. The rolling hills were as green as emeralds and as vivid as gangrene on the hip of an invalid. I was in paradise as much as I ever could be, with my fold-out lawn chair set beneath the shade of an outstretched oak and a 12 pack of Sun Drop that I picked up from the bottling plant in Winnebago.

I had come to this place only to relax after a long week's work. My only purpose was to lay down and sip my soda as I gazed up into the clouds imagining all manner of sexual positions the cumulus clouds were spread out in. Slowly, though, my mind drifted off to a state of half-sleep...my eyelids were growing ever-heavier as I sighed contentedly.

Before I could drift entirely off to dreamland, however, I was awakened by shimmering reddish-orange, I noticed something above me, looking down. I rubbed my eyes and grew accustomed to the light, the figure still blurry. Perhaps it was another man twice my size ready to interrupt my harmony by snuffing the butt of his cigarette on my chest. God knows it happened several times today, I mused, as I prepared myself for the worst.

As my eyes focused, I realized that I wasn't looking at the ashen tip of a man's cigarette, but the lovely crimson locks of a lady in red. Her dress was made of a shimmering silk, colored the deepest hue of puce. It was an amazing garment...when she moved or the wind rippled, it appeared that she was wreathed in flames. I sat there, my mouth agape and my mind in awe. Her porcelain-colored cheeks were tinted tastefully with the most winsome rouge I had ever beheld. I was awestruck, to say the least.

When she spoke, I was sure that I would lose it...have you ever seen a woman so beautiful that her mere movments were enough to cause you to shudder in a way you've never known? I did at that moment. I'll never forget what she said...

"May I?"

"Huh? Wha..what...?"

"A SunDrop. Pass one over."

Shakingly, I lowered my arm and pulled one out of the cardboard case, still moist with the chill dampness from my refridgerator. Extending my arm to her, soda in hand, I smiled weakly. I knew that I was in love. Or at least I was in lust...and sometimes that's all that is really all that's necessary to make you happy.

She gripped the bottle titly and used her teeth to remove the cap! I couldn't believe it. When I thought I couldn't be moved even more to the throes of passion, I was proved wrong...I didn't mind that at all, though.

Again, her rippling garments were caught up in the pleasant breeze and the illusion of flames was again there for me to see. She threw her head back and drank from the bottle. The long, vermillion locks were scattered around her face by the breeze. It was the most beautiful sight... Finally, she tossed the bottle to the ground and lot out a tremendous belch. She had finished it in one swig!

She sauntered over to me in a way that only someone like that could. I felt myself stir and I was immediately embarrased. I had tried so hard to be suave around this goddess among lessers and had failed. My heart sank, but my genitals wouldn't.

Smirking, her hand shot down to the recently-pitched tent that was my khaki shorts. A slightly high-pitched shriek escaped my lips. My face reddened. I nearly matched her vivid colors.

She laughed slightly, though I couldn't tell if it was a laugh of amusement or mockery.

"Thanks for the memories," she said as she flicked her wrist and twisted my acoutrements with it. Immediately, I shrank into a fetal position, but craned my head up to her.

Turning her back to me, she spat on the ground and traipsed off. I watched her behind...it moved rhythmically, almost hypnotically...I nearly forgot about the stabbing pain in my loins. A groan poured out of my mouth.

She looked back and gave me a half-smile.

"You fail it, love."

Then she walked off, until her figure faded over the hill that lay against the horizon...

I know that for that three minutes, it was pure love, plain and simple. I'll never forget her. Ever. I come back to that very spot time and again hoping she'll return, if only to drink more of my soda and make me hurt more than a jack boot to the crotch can. I fail it, she said. Maybe I do. All I can say for sure is that I'd fail it every day of the week for her.

Share this post


Link to post

The first time I seen post hell, Hmm, I thought to my self, this is so annoying, please make it stop, why did I ever post this!!!

Then I said, "no more saying stupid shit on DW for me" :)
Its kinda like kicking your self in the balls...

Share this post


Link to post

Never. I've posted in threads sent to hell (that took ages to happen as well), and even replied to a thread that got moved to hell while I was typing it, but I have a fully clean slate in terms of threads I've posted.

Share this post


Link to post

Never started a thread that's gone to post hell, but then again, I wonder if I've ever started a thread...

Share this post


Link to post

I've never started a thread that went to Hell. I've sent plenty there though. As for this one, it goes to Everything Else.

Share this post


Link to post

I remember back before there was a Post Hell, I made a thread about how Newdoom sucks. I got flamed for it so much that I willingly deleted it myself. :P

My first actual Post Helled thread was probably one of my 10,000 NIN polls I made when I first returned.

Share this post


Link to post

I remember when first hell was first created and it was green like SA's gas chamber, without any of the fancy mp3s and such. Although I think BBG's silhouette in the DOOMWORLD logo has been a Post Hell staple from the beginning, someone correct me if I'm wrong.

I have no idea what my first ever post helled thread is.

Share this post


Link to post
Kid Airbag said:

I remember when first hell was first created and it was green like SA's gas chamber, without any of the fancy mp3s and such. Although I think BBG's silhouette in the DOOMWORLD logo has been a Post Hell staple from the beginning, someone correct me if I'm wrong.

I have no idea what my first ever post helled thread is.

you're wrong

This appears to be my first post-helled thread. Heh heh. The good old times.

And this is a true classic.

Share this post


Link to post
Use3D said:

I think it's crendowing in the logo of Post Hell.

I think you're wrong.

Share this post


Link to post

Don't recall ever landing any of my kids in Hell.

Share this post


Link to post

Heh, man I remember back when it first came up, it was that noxious green colour, any and every idiotic post got thrown there and it was fun to read.

Share this post


Link to post

I've never created that went to Post Hell, but one amusing alternative was responding to a thread that wasn't in Post Hell yet, but was when I submitted my post.

Share this post


Link to post

This was really meant to be a spoof of all those "When you first met the (insert name of random Doom monster here)" threads. But that's just fine, because it's serving more worthwhile purposes like this. So, would anyone be able to find any of my first Post Hell posts?

Share this post


Link to post
Ichor said:

This one?

Heh. Classic. I remember the stupidity of when I would smack myself down with Serious Seuss while I was still SpammerMike. And I don't think that was the only PH'd thread that someone discovered we shared the same IP address. Damn, I was such a moron back then. :P

EDIT: By the way, was the Post Hell story at the top entertaining to some extent?

Share this post


Link to post

Yes, although cringing, I was expecting it to go the way of impse, and if I have to read about someone gripping a femimp tightly and thrusting and such again, well... there will be some sort of negative consequence to my metal and/or physical well being.

Share this post


Link to post
Scabbed Angel said:

Yes, although cringing, I was expecting it to go the way of impse, and if I have to read about someone gripping a femimp tightly and thrusting and such again, well... there will be some sort of negative consequence to my metal and/or physical well being.

There's always time for that. ;)

Share this post


Link to post

I haven't actually got a thread of mine sent to hell. Moved to another forum yes but not to hell. The closest i got i suppose was that recent booby thread.

Has to be some achievement i guess.

Share this post


Link to post

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
×