Mission for marines chapter two--grateful for replies

[duncan]

Chapter 2: Death and Discovery

"Hello?"
Roger recognised Sally's mother.
"How are you feeling Mary?" he asked.
"Oh, Roger, Hi, sweetheart. I'm fine Thank you. Why?"
"Oh, so you're geeting better?"
"Whatever do you mean?"
"You're ill aren't you?"
"No. Fit as a fiddle. What made you think that?"
"Never mind. Can I speak to Sally?"
"Sally's not here sweetie. Have you two had a row?"
"No. Everything's fine."
Roger hung up.
****
Sally and Jack were alone in a passionate embrace when he suggested that she were to leave Roger. Sally had known that this was coming. And Jack was right. She would finish with Roger the moment she got home.
****
When Terry slammed the door, Bella grabbed her mobile phone and dialled Roger.
No dial tone. How starnge.
Then Jack.
Turned off.
She tried Tommy.
Success!!!
****
Roger had trashed the living room. Tables overturned,lamps and ornaments smashed, phone line pulled out of it's socket.
Roger hated Sally.
He hated Jack.
But he didn't know why they hated him.
****
Terry was outside by the pool when Bella emerged.
"Comfortable?" she said, making Terry leap up instinctively.
"I killed you," he cried.
"Obviously not well enough," she replied.
Terry stalked towards her.
"You are a bitch. How could you have the ordasity to try and throw me out. I wear the trousers in this house."
"Oh shut up Terry."
"YOU BETRAYED ME!!" he bellowed. "By threatening to dump me, you betrayed me."
"Let's talk about betrayal, shall we Terry?" cried Bella. "Remember those oaths we took. To love honour and protect? What do you do? Bash me about! Abuse me! You inject the fear of HELL in to me Terry."
"Let's get the violins out," he snarled, grabbing her and pushing her to the ground. She bashed her head against the tiled floor and groaned.
Terry started kicking her and she screamed in agony.
Then it stopped.
Terry had spotted a raging Tommy approaching.
****
"Do you want me to be there when you tell Roger about us?"
"Yes. We need to be together."
And off they went.
****
Tommy punched Terry to the ground.
"Leave her alone you sick son of a..."
"Shut up Rizzleton," sneered Terry as he leapt up and grabbed Tommy by the neck.
Tommy propelled his head forward, dazing Terry. In a blind rage, Terry picked up a loose tile from the ground and launched it at Tommy.
Bella screamed in despair as the tile smashed itself against Tommy's nose, sending him flying into the pool which was soon clouded red.
"NONONONONO!!!!" cried Bella. "Oh god! MY BABY!!! Tommy!"
Tommy's dead body was floating at the top of the pool.
****
Roger heard the door close.
Sally was home, very early. She had Jack with her.They looked horrified at the state the living room was in.
"Before you say a word, I've already worked it out," muttered Roger, who had clearly been crying.
He threw two packed suitcases across the room to her.
Roger stared in to Jack's eyes, making an intense guilt surface in him.
"You won again eh, Jack?" laughed Roger humourlessly as he gave Jack a playful shove.
"Don't Roger," said Jack.
Without warning, Roger threw his fist onto Jack's face leaving him reeling.
"NOW GET OUT BOTH OF YOU!!!"
They did as instructed.
Roger broke down.
****
"You bastard!!!" screamed Bella.
She leapt up and ran toward the house.
"Don't you even think about calling the police!" he yelled, dashing after her. He picked up a knife when he passed through the kitchen.
In her haste, Bella tripped over a fireplace. Terry stood over her with a knife. Bella took a log from the fireplace and smashed it against his shin causing him to yelp in pain and drop his knife.
Quickly, Bella leapt up, picked up a poker and knocked Terry to the ground, before calling the police and an ambulance.
The couldn't do anything for Terry, and he later died in hospital.
But his time wasn't up yet.
He had one last job to do...

[Dunbar]

Okay, Dunk. Can I call you Dunk? Anyway Dunk, these are good stories and all, but so far I have yet to see what they have to do with doom. Generally Doom fan fiction involves demons and killing and impsex and stuff like that. Not to say that these aren't good stories, but they sort of don't have anything to do with Doom. Unless, like, this comes in the near future of the plot. Otherwise, Dunk, this isn't really a Doom fanfic at all.

[Darkman 4]

Personally, I think the story sucks. Hard. The writing is rather bland and, as a result, fails to make me feel sad over Tommy's death. The character names are rather cliche. Think of a few names that will stick out in the readers mind. And, as previously stated, what does this have to do with Doom? Unless, of course, the could be a "See the Doom Guy before he becomes a marine" type of situation.

[Use]

Pretty lame

[dsm]

So far, the title doesn't live up to the contents of the story and that's rather disappointing.

I don't like to slap people in their faces with their own work, but as Darkman 4 said, they writing is rather bland. The plot is ok I guess except, as has already been pointed out, it seems to have nada to do with Doom or even marines at all - only reason I'm not blogging this (yet) is the title is very doomish, suggesting that it might become more Doom-related later on, unless you just put that title up to try and cheat the fan fic Mod into thinking it was in fact Doom-related so that he wouldn't blog it (if so: dumb idea buster - such acts tends to piss off the fan fic Mod!).

So far, it seems like something out of your typical 'romance-in-trouble' TV series. So take my advice: You better stick some battle-hardened marines in there really quick or provide a damn good reason for calling this story "Doom: Mission for Marines" and posting it in this forum in the first place.

[Shaviro]

Now this gives me a cool idea for an easter egg! :P

[duncan]

Thanks very much people for your replies. I will consider all of your constructive criticism thanks again. In reply to your claims of it having nothing to do with Doom, the first three chapters are a prologue and the events that happen here are relevant to what happens later on, when the story becomes much more Doom related--I promise!! And yes, you can call me Dunk.

[dsm]

Well in that case, allow me to provide some pieces of advice.

One reason your writing is bland is that you don't take yourself the time to describe the events particularly detailed.
Some people like to describe the environment and the way things occur (e.g. "he fell limply down the stairs like a ragdoll"), while others focus much more on describing the characters' emotions.

There are, of course, also those who deal with both.

I think you should put a bit more work into describing things in your story. Use your imagination and try to visualize the events. You would want your readers to be able to "see" these events with their inner eye.

[duncan]

Here is the next installment (chapter 3) of my Doom fanfiction. Again, I will be grateful for any replies, comments or criticism.
Chapter 3-Jack's assignment

I must have bumped my head pretty damn hard, cursed Terry as he looked around his new surroundings. The room that he was situated in was surrounded by blood red walls and was like nothing he had ever seen before.
"Hello?" he called.
Where was Bella? He would have to apologise. She would take him back, surely.
"Terry..."
Did I just hear a voice? thought Terry, a cold fear bubbling to his chest
"Hello?" he called shakily. He hoped nobody he knew could hear how afraid he was.
A voice that strongly resembled a growl, called out his name and Terry turned to face the horribly ragged breathing. And he saw it. It stared him in the face, a hideous grin permantely placed on it's features. That wasn't it's most horrific feature however. On it's rotten forehead was a gorey hole that featured, among other things, the creature's exposed brain.
What the hell was this thing?
This couldn't be real, thought Terry, who found himself unable to scream in terror.
The creature had no body and had two large, curled horns.
It snarled Terry's name again...
****
A year passed since the deaths of Terry and Tommy but events for Bella and her sons were to get worse still.
Jack arrived home to give Sally some very bad news...
"What is it?" she asked, cautiously, as Jack sat down opposite her.
"My commander spoke to me today?"
"Well, he speaks to you most days considering the fact that you are in his regiment in the marines, Jack," said Sally sarcastically, although the worry was building within her.
"We're off to Phobos," said Jack rather bluntly.
"What's Phobos?"
"One of Mars' moons," Jack replied.
"Mars as in the Monster Mars? Why? That's been derelict since the Great War 100 years ago."
"Commander Redding has told us that Hell's Deep has been rebooted by a strange prototype that we don't know the identity of."
Sally looked blank.
"What the Hell are you talking about!?" she asked after a while.
"It was my mum's visions that led to him discovering it. The spirits told her the Demons are back and are planning another invasion under the rule of a prototype of some sort."
"What!? So he's going on the ramblings of some wierdo!?"
"That wierdo is my mum," said Jack hotly. "And we're just going to check it out."
"And you're gonna leave me on my own!? HOW SELFISH!" cried Sally.
"It's my duty!" Jack retorted.
"Let me come!" said Sally unexpectadly.
"No. It may be dangerous."
"Like bollocks it will! Bella's a freak. No offence, but she's a god damn freak and her conversations with the spirits are about as believable as Michael Jackson's nose."
"Come if you want. No one can stop you but my mum's coming,so you'd better be nice. And Roger, as he's in my regiment, will be there as well."
"So? I'm coming. I'm not being left on my own like last time. I was raped remember."
"How could I forget. You won't let me. I was only away at that drugs shipment for one night and you had to get yourself drunk."
"Let's not go back in to that," said Sally. "That was 2 months ago. Whatever you, your freak mother or anyone else says, I am going to Phobos with you."
"Fine by me."

[duncan]

Thanks very much for your advice dsm, I'll put more work in to that. I am very grateful for your advice.

[dsm]

So, Hell has already invaded Earth once? Hm.

If that's the case, your story has one rather nasty flaw in terms of believability. If the events in Doom 2 have taken place, that means that what's left of humanity is basically a wreck. Consider that the demons have destroyed everything and the survivors have literally endured Hell - that won't go without leaving scars.

So if your story were to be believable in that aspect, your characters should be frequently plaqued by terrible nightmares, be totally paranoid etc.

Another thing is that if the demons destroyed everything, that would most likely leave the survivors with pretty much a bunch of ruins to live in (if you've ever seen pictures of Berlin immediately after World War 2, you'd know what I mean). But then of course, I've no idea how long after the "first" invasion this story takes place and this is of course open for interpretation.

Anyways, thanks for ensuring that the story was Doom related. And I shouldn't leave out the aspect of having Terry going to Hell - I don't remember the last time a fan fic had some asshole dying and going to Hell, so it's a fresh change.

[duncan]

The invasion that Sally speaks of, wasn't actually the invasion of Doom 2, this was an invasion that is totally unrelated to Doom 2 in that aspect. And, as she says planning another invasion, it leaves scope for people to wonder if the last planned invasion actually went ahead or if the great battle actually took place on Phobos those 100 years ago. I have written these stories been had due to inspiration of Doom. I liked Doom so much and I've always loved writing stories, so I decided to base one on Doom. The versions I'm entering here are modified in areas, but basically the same. The reason that my writing is bland, as some call it, is because I'm out of practice. Altogether, I have written by hand 8 doom stories and another is currently in development. I will definitely spend much more time in my next installments, to improve the quality of my writing. Thanks again, dsm for your comments, they are much appreciated. I'll enter chapter 4, where they first arrive in Phobos via teleporter, later on tonight most likely, and any comments relating to that by anyone, will again be appreciated. Thanks

[duncan]

Chapter 4: In the Shadows

The sensation as Jack stepped through the teleporter was immense. His blood immediately rushed to his head, snatching his breath away instantly. He felt as if he was going on a twisting rollercoaster and what made it worse, was he knew the all too similar surroundings of where he was going to end up. The last time Jack experienced the sensation of teleporting, was when he had come with his unit to do research on the Great Battle of 100 years ago. Phobos was not a pleasant place.
The teleporting was over in a few seconds, and Jack was definitely not very eager to go through it again. Although a few seconds was not a very long time, the feeling of your stomach hurtling in to your throat and your blood splashing like the waves in a rough sea was not very enjoyable.
Jack stepped out the other end in a dazzling green flash and his heart tightened with dread. He knew there was nothing here yet the surroundings could only conjure up horrific images of what that dreadful battle had been like for the marines 100 years ago. But they had won. They had killed the monsters and halted their production.
Phobos was dank, dark and eerily derelict. The air was rank with a disgusting odour, which Jack felt certain he must have missed during his research project. The room he was in was an outdoor area of a dusty brown rock. The sky was a flame red.
Jack, feeling sure he had heard a breath, spun on his heel to face the source.
Must have been my imagination, he thought.
He got a fright when Roger arrived as he had, for some bizarre reason, forgotton that there were others coming.
They regarded eachother uneasily. They had not spoken since their falling out a year ago. Even in training, Commander Redding had grouped them together and as a result, their teamwork task failed.
The extremely awkward silence was interrupted by another ragged breath. Both Jack and Roger spun around.
I musn't be imagining this, thought Jack, a cold dread rising up his body.
It was coming from the darkness of the shadows. Pulling up his shotgun at the ready, Jack headed for the invisible form.
He did so slowly and as he did, Sally, Bella and two othwer marines that had been assigned this mission, arrived through the teleporter in turn.
"What is it, Jack?" called Sally, anxiously.
"Shut up!" he hissed, turning around to glare at her.
As he did, a deformed, raw skinned creature stalked out with a growl and attempted to bite Jack. In his haste to dodge the attack, Jack stumbled backwards and fell to the floor.
Roger quickly grabbed his shotgun and pinted it at the creature.
The creature that had emerged had a huge, gaping mouth, lined with sharp, carniverous teeth. It's flesh gave the impressionb that it had been skinned and the creature gave the image of a skinned gorilla in a wierd sort of way.
With a deafening bang, the end of Roger's shotgun exploded, knocking the creature to a bloody death.
Gasping, Roger lowered the shotgun.
"Will you shut up?!" he panted to Sally, who was frozen to the spot with fear, muttering "Oh my God" incessantly.
"Christ, there is life here," said Jack, somewhat unnecessarily due to the fact he had nearly become breakfast to one of the life forms.
"I knew it!" cried Bella. "I just knew it!"
In another green flash, Commander Mark Redding had appeared.
"Commander!" said one of the other marines, a stocky young man who went by the name of Gary.
"There are monsters here! And going by our research, I think we just encountered a Demon."
Seemingly quite unconcerned, Mark approached the dead Demon and bent over it.
"You're right," he muttered gruffly. "So it's plan B. We are to locate the source of the monsters and eliminate it," he revealed, as if he were doing no more than arranging a drink at a bar.
"WHAT!?" cried Sally.
"You'll have to return home," said Mark, without looking at her.
"But...but..I can't stay at home without Jack. Please let me come."
"You'll get yourself killed!" said Mark, severly, becoming irritated by Sally.
"Not if Jack looks after me," she said, smiling at Jack, a smile he didn't return.
"Make your mind up soldier," said Mark. "We need your mother as her visions are proving to be accurate, but you can send the grilfriend home, if you like."
Jack looked at Sally, who had a pleading look in her eyes.
'It's okay Commander. She'll come."
"Well then," said Mark. "Let's go."