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Phobos Issues

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*This is going to be a story bout, the other marines in the begining of the DOOM story line I just posted the first part to see if I should continue, next part will have more action*
Disclamer- DOOM, and The DOOM story, is under the ownership of I.D Software, this is just Fan fict.
Consturctive critisim is always welcome.

The transport ship buzzed along, its engine kicking in and out randomly, towards its destatination.
Twenty-five marines, all in standard, multi-purpouse uniforme armor, green flavored,
sat in the back, hurling insults back and forth, like a tetter-tauter at a children's playground.

Their weapons drawn down underneth them, stored away under the benches on either side. A speaker box
above them spat out an incoherent song, static and interference breaking it, occasionally. The scouting party
didn't seem to be the least bit concerned at the 'mission' they had been shuttled off for. They talked, bringing up
anything from sports, to the conditions of the toilets back at outpost, it was a group of friends having a conversation.
One of them, Pvt. Turkenson, spoke up.

"Hey, Gemson guess what?" he seemed to be directing his attention to the man across from him.

"What do you want, man?." Gemson seemed to ask instinctivly, knowing that the other marine
was after somthing.

"Why do you always think I want somthing, Can't I just ask you a question?" the other marine
spoke with an obviously fake attempt to sound hurt.

"Don't play that shit with me, What do you want?" Gemson responded, by this time all the other marines
had stopped talking among themselves, and were listening, intently, to the conversation at hand.

"Oh ok, I just wanted to say I donkey punched your mom last night," Turkenson finally spout forth, A
laughter burst onto the group and than quickly died away as soon as it had began, waiting for a comeback.

" Nah, man that was my dog, my mom knew you were coming, so she put a wig on my dog."
Gemson worked up, after a short pause, igniting a chuckle within the ranks.

"Sure looked like your mom." Turkenson mumbled, although clearly audible enough so the men would hear him.

"If I wanted a comeback, I would have wiped it off your lip." Gemson smirked out.
Another marine, Corp. Peterman, pointed
acrossed to him at to a marine in the cornor.

"What about you man, you havn't said a word since we left, the barracks?" Peterman asked the non-talkative
"Whats to say, I just got transfered" The marine spoke up, and than grew silent again.
"Don't mind him he pissed off his superior officer, and got transfered here, Now hes watchin the good ol' Colonies"
another marine, Sgt. Hemp annouced among the party.

"Hell Man, whats not to like, we got the best job in the whole army, We get to go and remind Phobus
to plug in their phoneline, everytime one of them dumbasses trips over it." A Pvt. Johnson spoke, in a thick african voice.

"True that!" a marine next to him responded.

Suddenly the music cut out and the Pilot's voice sounded over the P.A System,
"Comeing up to Stratosphere, Buckle up" He sounded out, and the music crackled back in.

Instinctivly, the marines all grabbed their buckles and fastened themselves into place. The ship pitched
and shuttered for a short period, than came to a stop. Its engine cranked furiously, as it attempted to hover above the
landing zone. Than the ship hummed and tilited, as its landing platform legs, touched down with the concrete surface.
The Marines unbuckled and worked quickly, gathering weapons and equipment, although not taking the current sitution at all, seriously.
They unloaded, and filed out of the small drop ship. The commander brought the quiet marine to the side, and explained that, he had strick
orders not to let the said marine continue with the operation. Even the pilots unfastened themselves and proceeded
with the marines, due to the fact that they wanted to find an engineer on the inside, to take a look at their commun. system,
which hadn't picked up Phobus's radio tower. The lone marine was left alone, outside, with the
extravagent sun bearing down on him.

"Poor bastard, doesn't even get to go in to, rest his legs for a bit" Sgt. Hemp spoke while glancing over his sholder,
at the waiting marine, who was currently playing with a red dirt mound with his feet. Little did he realize that the
marine was the luckiest out of all of them.

"Kinda makes you feel bad." Pvt. Johnson said just as he entered, along with the rest of the group, through
the gates of hell that was the phobus station.

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Its interesting but it had a rocky beginning. As in the words had a strange flow and then things began to even out. Erm, you got a little comma happy at times, but I catch myself doing that too. Good job though. :D

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Not bad, you've got potential but check your grammar and spelling.
Dictionary.com should be overly helpful if you haven't got an actual English language dictionary (or if the one you got sucks).

Now for story technicalities:
I don't think it's a good idea to hint at the coming doom for those marine i.e.:

[...]Unaware of the coming choas and desperation they would soon embark on. Hey, at least
they would go down in the history books.

I know, we all know Doom's storyline like the back of our hands, but it is usually more immersive if the writer makes it seem like the narrator doesn't know much more than the characters.

While at that very quote, I should also make a mention about that "hey, at least they would go down in the history books" thing - writing a story in a fashion as if you're telling your friends a spook story around the camfire is not the most effective way to write a story (more like "not effective at all").
It makes the story seem less serious in a way.

My advice would be to read a few books written by good writers and then try to emulate their technique.

Otherwise, it's a good, fairly well-described start to what will hopefully become an enjoyable fanfic - you're good at thinking up some nice marine conversations btw ;-)

Oh and the moon is called "Phobos" - Pho-bos - not Phoe-bus.

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The Door screeched up with the sound of pressure breaking from the outside.
The Marines Slowly crepted into the empty, black corridor, weapons slouching at their sides.
No electric power coursed threw the lights, they were blind, in the dark.
"Nights Up" the commanding officer spoke over the group.
The marines grabbed for their nightvision goggles, which were to be awkwardly attached to
a socket on their large bulking helmets. One by one, the visors came to life, displaying
light threw the darkness. A few of them adjusted a knob on the nightvision device, which
controlled how much illumination was to be shown directly onto the eyes of the person.
The Marines stood bewildered into the lonely docking bay, they had expected personel
to be scurrying around, performing various types of jobs on complex machines near the walls around them.
Instead all that welcomed them was a gripping scilence and the nonflowing computers.
The Commanding officer, Lt. Leeper, ordered Sgt. Hemp and another marine, to connet and generate
power to the blank facility. The two soldiers, hesitated but than made their way to a long coloum supporting
the roof above them. They began searching it and within a few seconds found a hatch. Sgt. Hemp pulled the hatch off
while the other marine pulled wire cutters, and diffirent tools, from his metallic oversived belt. As the cover slide off wires tumbled forth
from within the Coloums core, They performed their work sluggishly, as if bored by the process. The marines
stripped wires and connected others. Eventually, while the other marines gazed around the spacious hall, a spark
flew from the mess. The lights flickered on and off and than quickly enlightened the room with their presence.
The marines stripped the night-visions tools from the sockets in the back of their helmets, the light
seem to ease the strange situation.
Finally Pvt. Gemson broke the tension," Maybe a sand storm kicked up, and they are all hiding down in the
"Spread Out, search the room." an order was shot forth from the Lutinet. The marines slowly began to break
the clump from which they had been standing in at the doorway, and each made his way around the space.
"Sir, bullet holes" Johnson seemed to echo threw his comm. from acrossed the room, pointing out a large
computer which had several gashes taken right down the middle. The marines all looked at each other in strange realization,
from the crisp scilence that followed, one thing was clear, They had tripped over somthing larger than they expected. Each gripped
his weapon tightly, knowing that if there were bullets, there was death.
" Okay, It seems we may have a situation on our hands here, we'll keep moving and search for any civilian prescense that may
explain whats taken place, and why the hell they didn't call us sooner." The Lt. acknwolodged the tension which
had been filling the marines. They snapped into marine mode at this, each perparing his instincts for what lay ahead.

The marines filed threw a small hallway and awaited the opening of a large, port sized door which lay in front of the squad.
A little tampering by the engineer led to the door initiating itself, and it slide up. The front marines let their eyes
wander acrossed the large, gymnasium sized room, computers on either side of them were still booting up, from the new
electirc Hemp had given unto them. A cold concrete floor, under red ultraviolet lights filled the a room with an errie vibe.
Automaticlly two bodies on a large platform at the end of the room caught the marines attention.
Johnson and two other marines at the front began to make their way toward the mutilated, blood soaked bodies.
Their eyes darted from side to side as if expecting somthing to just appear out of the air.
The rest of the marines sat at a defensive positon at the end of the room awaiting orders.
Suddenly one of the bodies, in a marine type armor, slouched up and came to life, the eyes looked on hazily. Johnson came to a full sprint
but stopped half-way, as the thought dead, marine pulled a pistol from his belt and fired furiously into the air, shuddering
the hallways, and sending fear pulsing down the marine's backs. In the next instant a flame of fury and fear hit the
half-dead marine, as the scouting party opened up with a can-o-whoop-ass. Ammo of every caliber met contact with the
undeads armor, sending it sprawling backwards. It let off another shot which pounded into Johnson's combat vest, but stopped
short of his skin. The undead fell backwards its face and body no longer recognizable by man. Its limbs twitch one last time,
like a squashed spider, and than blood gurgled forth from its lifeless jaws. The marine group stood stunned, having killed
a man, Than they began to gain their composition and realized the other body. The body made no movements, and lay there
the marines were hesitant to move on, somewhere behind the platform an inhuman growl could be made out.
To Be continued

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Thanks for the comments thus far, I'm going to try and implement them as best I can, I havn't written much in a while, and while I do know that most people know the story that was just the set up for the begining of the fan/fic... I do appricate all the feedback.

And Yes I suck at spelling I would use word to spell check it,
but the word on my comp has problem right now.

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