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Fanfic: Brain Fever

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Inspired by Isle "Isle Bot" Isle. THANKS MAN!


Yeah I got me the fever, it's shooting up my spine. Yeah I got me the fever, it's fucking wit' my mind. The nursed called it Brain Fever, and you know that I believe her, because she looks very CLEAVE HER. Oh did I say cleave her? I meant to say she's clever. That's the problem with the fever, you're violent more than ever. You want to smash and rip and tear and squeeze into a pulp, the frail human flesh you see, and eat it with a gulp. I thirst for blood and starve for flesh I need it, god I do. I want to devour human brains, I want to chomp and chew.
See I've got the Brain Fever, it's sent me round the bend. I've really got the Brain Fever, I'm thinking it's the end. I'll SMASH SMASH SMASH your weakly human bones, I'll SNAP SNAP SNAP and listen to your moans. The Nurse comes in at five o'clock, she so it every day, but this time I've got a nice surprise, waiting for her face. I LEAP up and SNARLING pounce on her chest, my teeth BITE OUT and chew her EYE while my fingers scratch like CLAWS. EAT THE FLESH. EAT THE FLESH CHEW IT UP AND SPLUTTER IN THE GORE. YOU'VE GOT THE FEVER FEVER FEVER YOU'VE GOT THE FEVER FEVER FEVER

But wait! I'm getting ahead of myself.

Do you know what you get, if you mix three parts gasoline with two parts soap powder and six parts human urine? A fucking useless mess that's what, no use to anyone except some particularly wacked out fetishist. That's not what myself and my friend Dangerous Dave Dawkins had been told though, we'd been told that it was a way to create a bonafied, genuine, top quality explosive, and like idiot fools we believe it. So we saved up piss for weeks to get enough to make a bomb big enough to blow the bastard UAC Military Dome, but did it work? DID IT FUCK. Countless hours of planning, bribing, pissing and practicing was spent getting the bomb into the central air duct of the facility, only for it to go off exactly not at all, and make us the biggest fucking laughing stock on the face of the planet.

But wait! I'm getting ahead of myself again.

My name is Deadly Dick McClain, and I'm one of half of the League Against Martian Enterprise, or LAME for short. We're the only organisation on Mars dedicated to the destruction of the capitalist corporatocracy which oppresses the planet and exploits its resources for it's own selfish corporate goals. The other member of LAME is the afforementioned Dangerous Dave Dawkins. We two met at a pig farming convention back in 2066, we were just young boys back then, standing at our fathers side, covered in pig shit and thick as it as well. But you know what I saw in those big blue eyes of his when I first beheld them? The heart and soul of a rebel, a true rebel, who'd put up with and take no shit from no man so long as he had a goddamn gun at his side, gasoline in his tank and the free will to resist the oppression of those would seek to control and subvert the good of this universe for their own evil intents. It was quite a moment, especially for a three year old.

Me and Dave got on like a house on fire. His house as it turned out, it burnt down two weeks later and our family aggreed to take him in until his folks could get a new place. Last I heard of his folks they were heroin addicts living the high life up in Canada, seemingly forgotten all about the little boy they left behind. Still at three years old I didn't know all that and didn't much care either. All I cared about was that I had a new brother, and pretty soon the two of use were inseperable. It was an accident with a tube of superglue that did it, left us stuck together at the buttocks. It wasn't no off-the-shelf crap you buy at the store neither, it was industrial strength farmer's own superglue, used for sticking horses heads to the asses to make them easier to ship to the meat packing plant. Doctors said they couldn't serparate use or we'd both come out of it with no ass left at all, they said we'd separate naturally in a few months, as our skin cells slowly shed.

As it turned out a few months ended up being fifteen years, until on the day of Dave's eighteenth birthday we finally prised our asses apart using a rusty letter opener in a ceremony attended by my family and both our girlfriends. It sure was a relief in some ways, but after spending the best part of my life attached to Dave I wasn't sure what life would be like now we were separated. Would we remain friends and lovers? Or would we drift apart like so many tectonic plates before us? It seemed the latter would be the truer, as Dave when North and I went South and for a long time we passed out of each other's mind and into each other's memory of a simpler time, long lost in the haze of hazy childhood haze.

That was until, ten years later, I was living on Mars and earning an honest living date raping men and selling their seed to desparate women on the lucrative sperm black market. One day, who else should I run into but old Dave himself. Unfortunately I didn't recognise him until after I'd raped him and sold his seed. He'd grown a beard you see, and it'd not like we'd been able to look each other in the eye much when we had known each other due to our being joined at the ass. In fact I didn't realise until he burst into my shack the next day, shotgun in hand and painful bloody vengance in his eyes. It wasn't until I looked into those big blue eyes and saw the same take no shit craziness I'd spotted all those years ago, the eyes of a man who simply couldn't allow himself to be raped and have his seed stolen without claiming revenge on the man who perpetrated it.
"DAVEY BOY!" I screamed as he stuck the shotgun in my maw. "It's me! Your old pal Deadly Dick McClain! You're not going to shoot your old ass-twin are you!?" I pleaded with him. He was taken aback at the realisation of who I was, but he didn't lower the weapon.
"I'M NOT A MAN!" I screamed, "I never told you, but I'm actually a woman, but I had a sex change operation when I was two years old, I always wanted to tell you, but I didn't think it was a good idea when were joined at the ass, and once we were separated we lost contact before I could suck up the courage to admit it to you!" It was a complete lie of course, but when you've got two foot of gun barrell pointed at your face you say whatever it takes to talk the other guy out of it. It seemed to work, he dropped the gun and screamed like a new born babe.
"OH MY GOD! I ALWAYS HOPED AND PRAYED THAT IT COULD BE SO! I LOVE YOU!" He threw himself at me, trying to wrap his arms around me and kiss my on the cock. I kicked him in the balls and stamped on his hands.
"NO FUCKING WAY, I'M ON MY PERIOD!" I yelled at his keeled over form, which was collapsed into a foetal position.

I'll spare you the boring mutinae of the rest of that encounter, and of how I eventually resolved the female/male lie and rape/sperm stealing issue, but sufficed to say, I got off, and I think he did too. We decided to go into business together, and fighting off the evil shackles of the UAC seemed the best bet. See the UAC owned Mars, they'd bought it off the US government back in 2072 in exchange for not nuking Washington DC (they nuked Chicago instead). They controlled everything on that big red lump of shit, imports, exports, immigration, emmigration, even respiration - on Mars air was strictly rationed. As a low level worker I was only entitled to 17280 standard breaths a day, or 8640 deep ones. If I ran out, then I had to breathe recycled air from the waste recycling plant instead, and that was neither pleasant nor healthy I can tell you.

Obviously this sort of oppression caused a lot of resentment amongst the low grade workforce the UAC had shipped in to work in the numerous beanie toy production plants the corporation operated on Mars. It was a great era of political struggle and the banding together of workers in a common cause. Both me and Dangerous Dave had been in various unions and terrorist organisations previously, but none had favoured the type direct action, ie bombing, that we had in mind. So we formed LAME to cut out all the bullshit and do the job of freeing Mars ourselves.

I've already told you how successful LAME's first foray into the field of fighting the UAC was, in that it was the exact opposite of success, failure. But we learnt our lessons from that failure, don't trust bomb making recepies you find on the back of cigarette packets when you're tripping on acid for a start, especially when they don't seem to be there anymore when you come down. We decided the next best thing to bombing the UAC headquarters was to summon and an army of Demons from hell to destroy the UAC's base and kill all the corporate motherfuckers.

Dave just happened to be an amateur magus, don't ask me how, he just smirked and tapped his nose whenever I asked him about it. So I punched him in the nose and said "How'd you like them apples?" But he said he didn't like them so much and kicked me in the testicles. I didn't ask again, about the apples or the magus thing. So anyway he set to work on creating a portal to a hell dimension through which we could summon an army of the undead and deadly demons to do our dastardly designs and destroy the UAC.

I was skeptical, to say the least. Magic? Demons? The Undead? It sounded more like the plot to some bad video game fanfiction from the late 20th century than an actual thing that could really happen, but as Dave pointed out the same was true for the entire world we lived in, I mean how the hell had the UAC sprung up from nowhere and colonized Mars in under 60 years, and the story of our two lives and the content of our characters made very little sense either. The only thing to do was to keep going and hope that it all made sense somehow in the end.

We opened the portal at exactly sixty six minutes past six on the sixth day of the sixth month of the sixty sixty year of the sixty sixth century, according to the Calender Satanicus which Dangerous Dave owned, although to be honest it looked to me like pretty much every date in it was the same. Every day is Satan day I guess. The portal opened in a rage of blue flame and red mist, that swirled around us like a bad fart around a girl you're trying to impress, although it smelt a little better. Dave laughed and screamed simaltaneously, it was a trick he'd learned at college and liked to do at parties, although I'd seen it so many times now I didn't exactly find it impressive anymore. From within in the portal came...NOTHING! A giant army of slavering deformed nothing, ready to do exactly nothing to help us and to not at all help us destroy the UAC. The portal collapse with the a sort of wet slurp, leaving me and Dave standing on the ashed remains of our crushed hopes. We went for a drink.

It was about two weeks later that Dave started to display the symptoms of Brain Fever, as I now know it is called. He started killing at random, and eating the flesh of those he slayed. He started talking unintelligably, speech from which I could only make out the occasionaly word like "Brains", "Flesh", "Kill" and "Blueberry Pie". What was worse, other people who'd been in contact with him started to contract the Brain Fever as well. The people who he'd half eaten shrivelled up and came back to life as bizzare monstrosities, sick parodies of their former selves, although there was the occasional person who came back as a biting satire or gentle romantic comedy of their former self. What had caused this horror? Could it have been the strange red mist that had enveloped the two of us when we'd opened the portal? Yet I seemed unaffected. But having said that, Dangerous Dave had taken a far greater whiff of the stuff than I, and I had to admit I had been feeling the occasional desire to feast on the flesh of humans for a few days now, but I'd put it down to my being on my period.

Oh horror, I had the Brain Fever too! I staggered accross to the UAC hospital and checked myself in, the wards were full of screaming, insane men and women, crying out for flesh, I wondered how long it would be until they got free, and what they would do to the uninfected when they did. And on that note I guess this is just about where we came in...

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Lol, awesome. It was a good mix of wackiness with a reasonable back story. I mean the opressive UAC business, not the joined at the ass stuff.
Good stuff.

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