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Merry 'effing x-mas

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Twas the night before christmas
and all through the house,
everyone felt shitty,
even the mouse.

Mom at the whorehouse,
dad smoking grass;
I'd just settle down
for a nice piece of ass.

Out on the lawn,
I heard such a clatter.
I sprung from my chair
to see what was the matter.

When out on the lawn,
I saw a big dick.
I knew in a minute,
it must be St. Nick.

He came down the chimney
like a bat out of hell.
I knew in a moment,
the fucker had fell.

He stuffed all our stockings
with pretzels and beer,
and a big rubber dick
for my brother the queer.

He rose up the chimney
with a thunderous fart.
that son of a bitch
blew my chimney apart.

He swore and he cursed
as he rode away,
piss on you all
and have a hell of a day
Have a fraggin nice day.

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I have a Christmas Card that says the same exact thing.

"Moneys short
Times are hard
Heres your fucking Christmas card."


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Heard that one quite a few times fods but it never gets old :)
Merry Fucking Christmas

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gatewatcher said:

Heh, oh man, I remember this from way back in 4th grade, really. I wonder where it originated from?

Holy crap, so do I... Small world, ain't it? Seriously, where the hell did that thing come from? And how did it spread so far?

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hahahhaha, i remember reciting that at recess in 4th grade and all the girls telling on me. i actually had to sing it to the principal. man, did i get in a lot of shit. GOOOOD TIMES

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The traditional Christmas Turkey:

T H E N I G H T B E F O R E *-D-*-*-O-*-*-O-*-*-M-*
Written by: Hank Leukart (ap641@cleveland.freenet.edu)
"DOOM: Where the sanest place... is behind a trigger."
"DOOM: Such mayhem the likes of which have never
been witnessed in this particular dimension!"

`Twas the night before DOOM,
and all through the house,
I had set up my multi-playing networks,
each with a mouse.
The networks were strung,
with extra special care
in hopes that DOOM,
soon would be there.
The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
while visions of demons danced through their heads.
And my computer's processor it was so quick,
boy was I glad I bought that 486.
When out on the Internet there was a Usenet posting,
I dialed right in to see what it was boasting.
Off to the news reader I flew like a hound,
"Oh no," I cried! The news reader was down!
Frustrated, bewildered, feeling really low,
I leaned back to see what I heard out the window.
When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
but a group of 6 cars, driving 60 I fear!
With a big young driver, just look at him go!
I knew in a moment, it must be John Romero!
Over the speed limit, his band of cars came,
And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name:
"Now, Jay! Now, John!
Now, Dave and Kevin!
On, Adrian! On, Sandy!
On, Shawn and Maurice!"
To the top of the driveway!
Don't hit that wall!
Now stop your car, stop your car, stop your car all!
Leaving the car, he entered the house,
Walking quietly, so as to not wake the spouse.
He was dressed in a T-shirt, and a a pair of jeans too,
I was unsure of what he was going to do.
Boxes of DOOM he had flung on his back,
and he looked like a peddler just opening his pack.
Those boxes - how they sparkled! The shrink-wrap so tight!
The character was drawn on the front, just ready to fight!
The Chainsaw and Shotgun he held in his hand,
Where was the BFG9000?: The best gun in the land.
And then I saw it, strapped to his back,
Along with a copy of the "Official" DOOM FAQ!
A wink of John's eye and a twist of his head,
Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread.
He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
Installed it on the network, then turned with a jerk.
And placing a hand into his jeans,
out came his keys - oh how they gleamed!
He sprang to his car, to the id team gave a whistle,
and away they all drove, like DOOM's launching of a missile.
But I heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight,

Stay away from the eggnog, and best wishes to all doomers over the holidays.

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Insomniak said:

"Now, Jay! Now, John! Now, Dave and Kevin! On, Adrian! On, Sandy! On, Shawn and Maurice!"

What the heck? This didn't even rhyme.

Now, Jay! Now, Kevin!
Now, Maurice and Shawn!
On, Dave! On, Sandy!
On, Adrian and John!

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Twas the night before christmas
and throughout my compie,
all were DooMed,
even Wolf3D.

Twas the day,
of their darkest hour;
At the time, my pants
had been stuffed full of flour.

For just in my reach,
I fealt great power.
Once again, I reference my pants
Stuffed full of flour.

For within my hands,
I held the great box.
Yeah, that one,
You stupid shit. Box.

I slid the fucker in
I heard a little pop.
I looked in the slot,
It busted my comp.

I took a sledge-hammer
I beat that shit with a clammer,
I looked around and on the ground
And let that bitch go in the shitmound.

lol impse

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