Shades of Grey Chapters

[SirTimberWolf]

As some of you know i'm writing a book... I'm getting close to finishing the first draft and I am actively looking for some comments/crits on my style and so forth... to that end I have uploaded 2 chapters of my novel (both in draft form) to a geocities account...
I would *greatly* appriciate anyone willing to take a look at these and post some feedback or email it to me... I appologize if this is in the wrong forum but I don't visit many others and this is imensely important to me...

Chapter 11 (33 Pages)
http://www.geocities.com/sionnachthestoryteller/Chapter11.doc

Chapter 13 (35 Pages)
http://www.geocities.com/sionnachthestoryteller/chapter13.doc

As I said, they are in draft form, so I'm willing to bet the punctuation is terrible... (I just picked up a copy of 'the elements of style' for my revising...) Theres also some profanity and violence, so if you get offended by such things this probably isnt for you...

[SirTimberWolf]

Not to seem impatient but is noone interested in this? or is it just the general lack of forum attendance? :(

[BlueSonnet]

I did read a page when you first posted this. Have picked up on the punctuation you mentioned. Okay so far other than that , but that's not a final statement.

Currently reading them now.

[dsm]

Read the first few pages of chapter 11 - personally, I found it pretty confusing (especially the firefight) and would evidently prefer that a few things got simpilified as it would be easier to read and digest.

But what I did understand of the story was interesting and there's definitely some interesting personalities in it.

[SirTimberWolf]

Thanks for the C&C, I hope you give 13 a glance as I cleaned up the style quite a bit (not getting defensive but 13 DOES show some improvements in imagry *imo*)
Revising this book is going to probably start sometime in febuary (when I expect to have the draft done) trying to get all the crits I can, truely appriciate it :)

[BlueSonnet]

Well i've read them both. I feel the most important priority is still the punctuation.

I thought it was quite interesting, especially the characters and the attention. If i wanted to make some general changes i'd split a few paragraphes into seperate ones. For example the part at the end of 11 i'd start a new paragraph at the start of "Seconds stretched into years". It could have a more impacting effect as an ending of a chapter that way, but it's up to you.

Going OK so far.