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Scuba Steve

The /newstuff Chronicles #235

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Welcome back to another fabulous rendition of your favorite weekly chronicle, The /Newstuff Chronicle! Yay! I, your favorite underwater breathing apparatus, will be your guide this week to what's new in Doom worth playing. I know what you're thinking, "But Scuba, Action Doom was already released. What else could possibly be delivered to us that we would want to play?" The Answer is simply, nothing, but that still shouldn't stop people from uploading some rather good levels to play... and alot of 1994 ones that are not. If I may lament (lol) for a moment, these 1994 wads have me thinking. It's amazing this community survived as long as it did considering what all these old maps are like. How we put up with them as long as we did to make it to today is a testament to the strength of each and every member here, except for InsertWackyNameHere and Bloodskull because they are too young. So remember... on the Scuba Scale of DooM... Five flippers being the highest, a blowfish being the lowest... 1994stuff

  • Zone 13 - Zen Psychosis
    doom.exe - SP/DM - 32kb - (img) (img)

    The author of this pwad in no way endorses the democratic party or formalized Government in general. For more information on how you can become the leader of your own armed underground resistance group send $12.00 U.S. to:

    Sorry to say I have not sent my $12 yet to become my own armed resistance leader, but for the rest of you it's available in the text file. Zone 13 is the first of the 1994stuff and it's just your basic 1994 level. It's a deathmatch level where monsters were added so you can play it single player too. There's a secret exit, but I really couldn't be bothered to find out how to quit. Speaking of searching, the map replaces Episode 1 Map 3 so you'll have to look around for that too. What can I say, this level probably wasn't terrrible when it came out in 1994 but it's bretty blahzay today.

    (img) (img)
    Two snorkels

    P.S. For your very own army of Scuba Divers, send $12.00 US to:

  • Welcome to My Nightmare - Ken Flynn
    doom2.exe - Solo Play - 392kb -

    Your nightmare is my nightmare too. Shhhhit!

    (img)
    B-b-b-lowfish

  • DeathMatch For Two Series - Kurt Schulenburg
    doom.exe - Deathmatch - 209kb - (img) (img)

    I'm at a loss. Here we have 8 levels for doom from 1994 that are... tolerable. These maps are a step above SLIGE, which for 1994 was a work of art. It's safe to say nobody ever played these maps in deathmatch besides Kurt and his friends sitting around their basement on prom night, which is cool because I did too except I was more of a Funyuns guy. Anyways...

    (img) (img)
    Two Flipper.

  • Death Match City - Sam Lopresti
    doom2.exe - Deathmatch - 36kb - (img)

    It happened, somebody made a city worse than Sandy Petersen. Forget this crap, go play another City map from the same year which is much better, Doom City.

    (img)
    One Snorkel

  • Tunnel 11 - Günther H. Baumann
    doom.exe - Solo Play - 23kb - (img)

    From the Text File:
    Created during a night in Berlin with friends

    Yep. Also, 64 wide mazes are awesome and a staple of a great map!

    (img)
    One Snorkel

  • DMKurt - Kurt Schulenburg
    doom.exe - Solo Play - 126kb -

    Contained in this zip file of cruddy old 1994 maps... is FOUR zip files of cruddy old 1994 map! I couldn't be bothered to open zip files in zip files, but I think I can take a wild guess based on the author's previous work...

    (img) (img) (img) (img)
    Four Blowfish! A New Record!

  • Trench - Scott Scurlock
    doom.exe - Deathmatch - 26kb - (img)

    It's um... it'a trench... that runs between the 2 sides of the level. Also, I think this level was made with SLIGE, I saw a giant S in there somewhere.

    (img)
    One Flipper

  • Doomsday - Carter
    doom.exe - Deathmatch - 38kb - (img)

    Surprisingly not as crappy as some, but don't let that fool you, this still isn't worth downloading. I mean you can if you want, it's not "smash your head on the table" bad, but you won't be pleased.

    (img)
    One Flipper

  • Doors - Phillip S. Pittz
    doom.exe - SP/DM - 46kb - (img)

    From The Text File:
    Misc. Author Info : 29 - Single White Male

    Phillip S. Pittz update: 40 - Single White Male

    The name of this wad is NOT hyperbole, there are no less than 80 doors in this map. One room, a circle, has SEVENTEEN doors on each side (not really a circle then I suppose). He says in the text file "I learned how to make doors finally and so decided to go a little crazy with it." Gee that's a bit of an understatement. But still I feel bad about the whole, 40 and a virgin thing.

    (img)
    One Goggle

  • Jeff's Wad - Jeff Dusko
    doom.exe - Solo Play - 20kb - (img)

    Awesome! Clearly Doomjr inspired architecture!

    (img)
    Blowfish

  • Dough (Who names a wad "Dough", seriously - Scuba) - Doug Haynes
    doom.exe - Solo Play - 13kb - (img)

    Comparative to the last one, this is freaking Alien Vendetta. But copared to Alien Vendetta, gag. Also, I hate Alien Vendetta.

    (img)
    One Goggle

  • Jericho - Kurt Schulenburg
    doom.exe - Solo Play - 303kb -

    Let me be frank, or Steve, but this map isn't that good. Props to the author for compsing his own song, but let's be honest, who cares if the level bites. Inside the wad resources is the classic 1994 nudie woman texture, I scoured the level left and right for this, but never found it or the other 4 or 5 custom textures. But thankfully the author felt inclined to replace the teleport sound with the star trek one!

    (img)
    One Snorkel

  • "Boring" - James Jarvis
    doom.exe - Solo Play - 47kb - (img)

    The author didn't give this wad a title and explicitly stated in the text file "What ever you want to call it" so I have chosen an apt name for it. To be honest, for 1994 it's tolerable. Tolerable enough to waste 13 seconds downloading it? No, but tolerable enough to be spared the rating wrath of Scuba that so many 1994 wads don't.

    (img)
    One Flipper.

  • Meat - Carolyn Schulenburg
    doom.exe - Solo Play - 42kb - (img) (img)

    Wall hunt Wall hunt!!! Just another boring old map, this one specializes in pressing spacebar on every wall to find out what to do! Oddly enough, the level is filled with mis alignments but the unaligned textures aren't the one that do anything. That's the beatuy of this map! You have to scour it looking for aligned textures to press on!

    (img)
    One Snorkel

  • Sematic - Insane LTD.
    doom.exe - Solo Play - 144kb - (img) (img)

    If you play one old wad this week (and I hope you don't play any) play Sematic. From 1996 you can clearly see that the author didn't just make lava holes or skies on floors. It actually sort of resembles a map.

    (img) (img) (img)Two Flippers and a Goggle

  • Tunnel - Tim Cuozzo
    doom.exe - Solo Play - 28kb - (img)

    4 voodoo dolls watch you at the beginning enter a boring and lame maze.

    Note: Will not work with Legacy.

    (img)
    One Snorkel

  • Up 'n Down - Kurt Schulenburg
    doom2.exe - Solo Play - 123kb - (img)

    A Giant elevator that goes up and down with a stupid staircase on one side. I can't even think of anything wittyto say.

    (img)
    One Goggle
On Friday, the last day of reviews for me this week, someone dumped Seventeen worthless wads from 1994 that nobody ever played back then or will ever play now. What next, is someone going to upload the entire DZone CD in the name of "Preservation"? Some things don't need to be preserved, if the New York museum of modern art is burning down, do you save Paintings by Jackson Pollock? Answer, no you let the building burn because modern art sucks, and so do all the wads from 1994-1996. Anything worth playing is in the archive already, like Heroes that was added last week or Hoover Dam, so to hoever keeps uploading all these abominations, tonight before I go to bed I'm going to pray for your death. Painful and slow, because I hate you, and I'm Scuba Steve and I don't hate anyone. Besides Ralphis. Now you might say "But Steve you don't have to review them", well, screw you :P I'm doing it just because I can. So let's see what Santa brought us in this delivery? My guess, a whole lot of coal. Also, by this point, I had to invent a new rating system to cover wads like this, see if you can decipher it.
  • Cave Complex - Dominic Anello
    doom.exe - Solo Play - 30kb - (img)

    The screenshot is all the farther I ever got.

    (img)
    Crappie

  • May Day - Joe Vallee
    doom.exe - Deathmatch - 33kb - (img)

    Shawn 2 and Crates yay!

    (img)
    Crappie

  • Nirvanna - Ian C Hay
    doom.exe - Solo Play - 45kb - (img)

    (img)
    CrappieI haven't played this yet, but I decided to review it first... wow, just played it and I managed to break the level. I activated a crushing ceiling and then stepped back and it stopped too low so I couldn't continue. The level might be worthy of at least one flipper but I'll never know because I can't play any farther. So my review stands. I am psychic!

  • Pearl Jam - Ian C Hay
    doom.exe - Solo Play - 58kb - (img) (img)

    Surprisingly... this level is... palatable. It looks... decent and plays... well who cares, I typed "Kill Monsters".

    (img) (img)
    One Flipper and a Goggle

  • Private Hell - Matrix (Flagg)
    doom.exe - Solo Play - 24kb - (img)

    (img)
    Crappie

  • Private Hell, Part III - Matrix (Flagg)
    doom.exe - Solo Play - 32kb - (img)

    Awww, what no Private Hell Part II? A for improvement, F for Effort.

    (img)
    One Snorkel

  • Clean Your Room - Mark Marusak
    doom.exe - Solo Play - 9kb - (img)

    From the Text File:"Designed for my son, his room is a mess. I experimented with multipaste and boobytraps.. hope you enjoy."

    (img)
    Crappie

  • This ______ - Mark Marusak
    doom.exe - Solo Play - 10kb - (img)

    Never played, See Screenshot.

    (img)
    Crappie

  • Gloom of DOOM - Psyber Freaked! & Psyber Cured!
    doom.exe - Solo Play - 24kb - (img)

    Have you seeeeeeeeen... the marvelous blowfish?

    (img)
    Blowfish

  • Matrix Match - Matrix (Flagg)
    doom.exe - Deathmatch - 11kb - (img)

    Lol

    (img)
    Blowfish

  • Maze - Talon
    doom2.exe - Deathmatch - 130kb - (img)

    Meh, it won't kill you...

    (img) (img)
    Snorkel and Goggles

  • My House - Dominic Anello
    doom.exe - Solo Play - 508kb - (img) (img)

    I cannot for the LIFE of me... figure out why this level is 500k. I was expecting a loltastic 1994 house with digitized crappy graphics and bad sounds recorded by the author, but no. I was not treated to any of that! Also, checkout the hilarious irony of screenshot #2.

    (img)
    Crappie

  • Bonus - Dominic Anello
    doom.exe - Solo Play - 4kb -

    Not even worth my time to press Print Screen.

    (img)
    Crappie

  • Pumpkin..A Holloween Tale - Mark Marusak
    doom.exe - Solo Play - 11kb - (img)

    I was going to be lenient and just give it a "crappie" review... but the lack of anything to do with Punpkins OR Halloween garners it the lowest score available.

    (img)
    Blowfish

I'm... I'm sorry I have to take a break here for a second. I feel that I must apologize for this weeks newstuff as I am a firm believer in the statement "The Buck Stops Here". This week is basically nothing more than a couple decent levels in the REAL Newstuff and over thirty just awful maps that were even awful when they were released over 10 years ago. I have said it numerous times already, and I will later in newstuff reviews, but these 1994 wads are garbage and whoever is uploading them should die from some form of cancer soon. That might be a bit harsh, but I believe this is the only chance to stop this flow of garbage, because obviously the uploader has never heard of Quality Control. Uploading 1994 maps is one thing, but these maps are shit now, and most of them were even shit when they were made 10 years ago. In the name of all that is holy, I am going to throw your DZone CD or wherever you keep pulling these abominations from, in the trash. I now return you to your regularly scheduled newstuff already in progress.
And that my fellow Doomers concludes the painful agony that was 1994Stuff... at this point in time, pounding my head on the table feels like a fun activity. Now... let's see if there's anything of value in the REAL newstuff... (There isn't).

Newstuff
  • Team UnNamed's 2nd official weapon pack: Crimson Delights - Chronoteeth
    EDGE - Solo Play - 734kb -

    Taking Semicolons and ridiculously long titles to a new level, Chronoteeth delivers one of those mods where people replace nothing but the guns... so naturally...

    So I learned I needed a new version of EDGE, apparently it's up to 1.29, so I downloaded that and ran the wad. One word, meh. 47 words, it was just your run of the mill EDGE weapons modification. There is the usual lack of creativity by ripping pre existing graphics and attributing wonky firing modes to them, and the unbalanced superguns that rip through everything in seconds. Worth a play and that's about it.

    (img) (img)
    Goggle and a Snorkel

    Also, no screenshots because I don't know how to take them in EDGE.

  • Foxxy - Cutmanmike
    Skulltag - Deathmatch - 1297kb -

    Ahhhh!! ...from the text file:
    A skin of my bestest friend ever, Foxxy. Her mother past away when she was 10 and I feel for her, so I made her a very own skin :D

    And she's still your friend? This is the kind of work that brings nations to the brink of war, let alone destroy a friendship. Either that or a missed the sarcasm, which is highly possible since I'm quite oblivious to that many times. Did I ever tell any of you about when my father asked me to mow the lawn and I replied "Are you serious?" He said "No", so I naturally assumed he didn't want me to do it. Hoo boy was I ever wrong, apparently he was being sarcastic and really did want me to Mow it. And that's the lawnmower story. OK not the lawnmower story, but it's a lawnmower story. Where was I going with this? Something about the Lawnmower Man the Movie? Either way, the author and the Lawnmower man have mental problems that can only be saved through Cyberspace.

    (img)
    Blowfish

  • Skulltag Community LMS Project - Various
    Skulltag - Deathmatch - 1920kb - (img) (img) (img) (img) (img)

    As of this writing (Wednesday), this is the treat of the week. Seven count them, 1, 2, 3, 5, 6, 7 brand new Skulltag last mand standing maps, all of which are of a high caliber. My suggestion? If FNF is still alive, I think we have the winner for this week. Map 3, 4, and 7 are all particularly fun especially 7 if you just dropped a tab of acid. Deffinately one you'll want to check out, and because it's skulltag, that means it's better than ZDaemon.

    (img) (img) (img) (img)
    Four Flippers

  • Axis & Abaddon - WildWeasel
    ZDoom - Solo Play - 1955kb -

    For the first time ever a Weapons mod is a beacon of hope after all of those 1994 wads. Actually, it's pretty fun and manages to keep a consistent theme throughout unlike most that just have ridiculous weapons that have no cohesiveness. The theme you ask? Nazis! All the weapons you've probably seen before, Rise of the Triad, I think some Return to Castle Wolfenstein stuff, and plenty of monster replacements as well. The Super Shotgun and New Fist are both very well done and by themselves alone worth checking out this wad... because I drew them.

    (img) (img) (img)
    Two Flippers and a Goggle

  • Dusk Storm - Michael "Bloodskull" Cole
    Limit Removing - Solo Play - 176kb - (img) (img) (img)

    From the Text File:
    People need to stop bashing others for who they are, and start actually trying things before forming there own opinion because of the author. If you dont even have the decency to do this you need some serious help.

    o_q powerful. Anyways, this map is a decent map for 2005, and a godsend after all those 94 wads. I kept finding mtself having no idea what was going on, so I eventually just gave myself all keys and kill monsters because I hate dying. The level looks good, which is all that really matters, and it probably plays well too, but I don't really care. I'm hesitant, but I'm adding an extra snorkel to the review.

    (img) (img) (img) (img)
    Two flippers, a goggle and a snorkel.

  • 3D Elevator - Cecelia (You're breakin my Heart!)
    Legacy - Solo Play - 68kb -

    (Un)Fortunately... Legacy doesn't run on my computer, so you'll have to wait for a real review... or review it yourself! Without giving away my secret of scoring wads, you too can use any combination of the points you see given to wads here today to create your own review! Don't forget to take off points because it's not Zdoom. Ha Ha just kidding Eternity4ever!

  • Gravecat's Rocket Arena v1.1 - The Indomitable Gravecat
    Limit Removing - Deathmatch - 21kb - (img)

    Haha for the longest time I thought this was a 1994 upload. It's a rocket arena DM map, that looks like it belongs in the above reviews. I award this two goggles, and may god have mercy on its soul.

    (img) (img)


  • Predator skin - NeoWorm
    Skulltag - Deathmatch - 79kb -

    This is actually a real treat. This is a homemade Predator Skin touched up that looks absolutely fantastic. The sounds are decent, but the beatiful art is where it shines.

    (img) (img) (img) (img) (img) (img)
    Three Flippers, Two Goggles and a Snorkel.

Well, it's been a long and dull week. I can sum it up best by saying the highlight of the week was a map by Bloodskull. I quit. I'm leaving and never coming back. Anyways so long my Doom compadres I am now going to pound nails into my eyes. Before I do that let me say to whomever continues uploading old wads from 1994... you are a worthless human being an a poster child for abortion. If I had names and addresses I would personally drive to your house, set fire to your computer, and just generally mess up the place. I hate you and no amount of words I write can express the degree to which I do.

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Yey, my mod is in /newstuff. Yeah, it's not the best, but play around with some wads where there is very little ammo, you'll be cryin. I'll see if I can put a little more innovation (plus casing/smoke) in my next one.

Also, to take screenshots in edge, you press... print screen. :P

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Who would have thought it: Bloodskull saves the day.

Gameplay deficiencies nonwithstanding this map is the clear winner and it's too bad that for most it probably just got lost in a gigantic heap of utter garbage.

But it isn't perfect. Gameplay is mediocre at best, there are way too many monsters and those 2 endless teleporting traps just get tedious after a while. If those things got fixed it'd be an excellent map.

And last but not least, the fake 3D bridge needs some crossbeams. ;)

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My suspicions regarding Scuba Steve have been confirmed.

edit - and this is amusing to a certain degree:

The level looks good, which is all that really matters, and it probably plays well too, but I don't really care.


Granted I'm not a huge fan of Bloodskull's maps to begin with, but how about trying to judge a wad on other compositions other than how it simply looks. Unless this is done in jest(?).

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Scuba Steve said:

The Super Shotgun and New Fist are both very well done and by themselves alone worth checking out this wad... because I drew them.

I knew you'd like it, Scuba. *grins*

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Half of the screenshot links are broken, the other half point to the wrong files. >_>

WAD-wise, at least there was Dusk Storm; the rest is pretty much forgettable.

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Thanks for the review Scuba, I'm actually quite surprised my wad would be highlight of the week, then again anything is better than 94 wads. Graf, you said something about endless teleports or something?

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Scuba Steve's reviews are great as always.

How come you guys don't simply skip the 1994 wads in t/nc?

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Bloodskull said:

Thanks for the review Scuba, I'm actually quite surprised my wad would be highlight of the week, then again anything is better than 94 wads. Graf, you said something about endless teleports or something?



I mean the 2 traps where lots and lots of monsters teleport in and the player is trapped in a small area. Both take far too long.

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Graf Zahl said:

I mean the 2 traps where lots and lots of monsters teleport in and the player is trapped in a small area. Both take far too long.

Ah those. Well, if you recall one of the levels in HR2 where your in a small fort surrounded by like 2000 monsters, it takes a LONG ASS time for the exit switch to lower, mine being just a small 5 minute fraction of that.

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I have to hand it to you Scuba Steve, I have never had more fun reading the new /newstuff. Flippers for all!

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Bloodskull said:

if you recall one of the levels in HR2 where your in a small fort surrounded by like 2000 monsters, it takes a LONG ASS time for the exit switch to lower, mine being just a small 5 minute fraction of that.

The record (Max) time on that HR2 map is 4:32 with no tricks involved, and Anima did a 4:00 with -nomonsters, so I don't think it can really take more than 5 minutes to lower. :p

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Grazza said:

The record (Max) time on that HR2 map is 4:32 with no tricks involved, and Anima did a 4:00 with -nomonsters, so I don't think it can really take more than 5 minutes to lower. :p


How tall it is then? I once made some test map with some lift which lowered some 16000 units.. It was coming down in fast speed and it didn't take even two minutes to lower.

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You realize that in the review for the Skulltag Community LMS project you miss the number 4 in your countdown?

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Schneelocke said:

Half of the screenshot links are broken, the other half point to the wrong files. >_>

Hardly. Only the screenshots for Zone13, Sematic, and Sorrow don't work. I blame whoever keeps uploading 1994 wads.

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Anders said:
How come you guys don't simply skip the 1994 wads in t/nc?

Actually a simple link like the ones Scuba Steve supplied at the end would be best for those uninterested in playing the old wads, with perhaps a screenshot for generosity's sake. The reviews themselves were nearly rubbish anyway so they added little more than scrolltime (the rating system is cute, but whatever.) With the links, people can then say what they want below, or in the database. In the end, a reviewer shouldn't be obligated to review all the wads, no matter what the wads are. No point doing so if the job won't be worthwhile, so it's best to review mostly what catches ones eye, or at least doesn't bore it.

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Scuba Steve said:

Hardly. Only the screenshots for Zone13, Sematic, and Sorrow don't work. I blame whoever keeps uploading 1994 wads.


Well, I was exaggerating, obviously.

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Scuba said,
My suggestion? If FNF is still alive, I think we have the winner for this week[/i]



It was used for this week, and somehow FNF lasted till NOON EST the next day.

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Anyways so long my Doom compadres I am now going to pound nails into my eyes.


ROOOOOOFL :D:D

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