Worst movies you've ever seen

[Maes]

I mean movies so bad that you couldn't watch then for their full length, usually leaving the theater or stopping the tape/DVD in the middle (especially after realizing how much of the movie there was still left). I'll try to elaborate on most movies.

My personal "top four":

• Seven Swords: horrible wuxia movie, very badly made even by 80s barbarian movies standards. No plot, no continuity, horrible acting, all in all it felt like somebody just tried to capitalize on the wave of Chinese/Hong kong/Taiwanese action films like "Fly"Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon" and "House_of_the_Flying_Daggers", only that it this movie turned out completely wrong. Stopped watching at 45 minutes (after realizing there was more than another hour to watch), and in my house we started using the term "Seven Swords" as a measure of how bad a movie is. The more swords, the worse. "Seven Swords" itself was renamed to the "7 dicks of Buddha".
  
• Les Dalton: Horrible live-action movie based on the otherwise successful Lucky Luke comic, which I always liked. To make a long story short, it was an insult to all that is Lucky Luke, and I wonder how this piece of crap was allowed to be made. I stopped watching after 30 minutes, and trust me, children wouldn't be amused with the horrible acting and cornyness. Deserves "seven swords" for how bad it is.
  
• Aeon Flux: stopped watching after 45 minutes. Slow, boring, and I almost fell asleep. I am undecided between awarding it 8 swords, or declaring that watching all of it causes brain cancer. Probably both.
  
• Alatriste: atrocious wannabe historic adventure film, it just doesn't work right and is painfully slow to watch and brings an overall sense of sadness. 5 or 6 swords, glad I only rented the DVD.
  

[ducon]

Ghost, and Spy kids.

[alexz721]

Johnny Mnemonic was pretty terrible.

[Kristian Ronge]

I've seen many completely worthless movies, but one has the distinct honour of being the only one I've ever fallen asleep to while watching: "The Terror".

Note that it doesn't mean I think it's necessarily the worst (can't really pick one movie that stands out). It's just a very very boring B movie, filmed "in between" shots of another B movie, using the same sets and props, and even the same scenes sometimes (which, as you might imagine, makes for a terribly confusing "plot").

[Dutch Doomer]

Beowulf and Grendel just boring I finished watching it though I was thinking well maybe it gets better after an half an hour or so.

Slither its an horror/comedy two things that imo don't go well together.

I liked The Descent alot better it starts of slow with an group of women that go cave climbing and just when you start to get bored it gets interesting.

[TheDarkArchon]

As much as I hate to admit to watching this piece of shit, Date Movie.

[Richo Rosai]

I watched Alone in the Dark alone in a... dark theater, heh.

There was literally nobody else there, and I slept through almost half of it.

[Bucket]

Save the Last Dance: My girlfriend at the time dragged me to go see this. Julia Stiles is easy on the eyes, but it was painfully boring and sappy. Even my girlfriend ended up hating it. One of her complaints: "You've got this girl doing ballet, and she steps into a club and doesn't know how to dance?? She wouldn't even think of getting into Juilliard if she didn't know some kind of improvisational style." It was a while before I let her live that down.

Doom: My brother-in-law rented it so I decided to sit down. I fell asleep 5 minutes into it and woke up at the last 5 minutes. Somehow I feel I didn't miss anything.

Clerks, Mallrats: There was a bunch of us over a friend's house and they thought it'd be nice to have a Kevin Smith marathon. Dogma was OK. But the first two weren't funny or clever at all. The dialogue was horrible and the actors didn't seem to know what to do with their lines. If you're going to do slice-of-life movies, you better damn well know how people talk.

Celebrity: I had a lot of movie nerd friends in high school, so naturally we all had to go see a Woody Allen flick eventually. Kenneth Branagh playing Woody... yay? Pretty much the same thing as Clerks, but with better acting and less forced humor. Maybe too subtle. WAY too subtle. The "quiet desperation" thing gets old for me real quick. Ha ha, more awkwardness. Whee. *snore*

I'm sure there are more...

On a side note, I pride myself on the fact that I've never seen Titanic. Who's with me?

[leileilol]

baby geniuses

[Stealthy Ivan]

The Day after Tomorrow... That sucked.

[Enjay]

A lot of movies are bad, very bad. However, they are clearly never going to be anything other than bad ("Spy Kids", various "high school" movies, body-swap movies, almost anything based on a video game and quite a few of the movies already mentioned on this page).

However, the ones that I think are worth mentioning are the ones that do not fit into the above category. ie movies that are not meant to be bad or are not from a genre that is inherently disposable trash yet still manage to be awful. Qualifying for this IMO is "The Thin Red Line"
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0120863/

As far as I am concerned it was a bunch of very overrated pretentious dog wank. It was poorly written toss that was very badly acted. The interminable internal dialogues and pregnant pauses from the various characters were just awful. They showed all the meaningful symbolism you'd expect from a high-school essay and were often vocalised by characters who simply wouldn't believably have had the intellectual or emotional capacity to do so. (The "I just killed a man, the worst thing someone can do, and no-one can touch me for it" one springs gazelle-like to my mind but there were many more). If you want to see how pretentious this movie was, read the quotes page on the IMDB page for the movie.

The soldiering was amateur in the extreme. I watched it with a bunch of soldiers which made the errors even more blatant as every mistake was pointed out by my fellow audience members.

The main story finished almost an hour before the movie did and so we were "treated" to a meandering tale of nothing which had nowhere to go - and that's exactly where it went.

I got the distinct impression that the movie was trying too hard and too self consciously to be something that wasn't "Saving Private Ryan".

It was simply awful, yet somehow manages to get people saying things like:

"By far the best film I have ever seen. It baffles me that people could criticize this intricate metaphysical look at war, nature and humanity. The cinematography is so superb that each frame of the film stands on its own. The voice overs offer majestic reflections on the nature of war and humanity. The intensity of this film is unsurpassed." (from the IMDB site linked to above.) What a wanker!

My favourite comment on the film came from one of the soldiers I was watching it with. Someone in the movie had gone up ahead to scout things out and returned having seen some horror of war or other (I forget the details - I think his mates getting killed, but I didn't really care by that stage). He returned visibly overacting his shock and when asked "what did you see" he just stared back soulfully. He was asked the same question a number of times and each time gave a similar response (ie nothing). Then the person questioning him just gave up. My mate sitting closest to me said "Fucking hell, he'd be on a charge if he was one of mine" but then a far more eloquent voice from a few seats down in the dark cinema yelled "fuck's sake, if he behaved like that when I asked him what he'd, seen I'd put a fucking bullet in him myself." It was the high point of a very low movie watching experience.

[TheDarkArchon]

Enjay said:

A lot of movies are bad, very bad. However, they are clearly never going to be anything other than bad ("Spy Kids", various "high school" movies, body-swap movies, almost anything based on a video game and quite a few of the movies already mentioned on this page).

You forgot "Romantic Comedies" which is basically chick flickery combined with "humour" of the lowest calibre.

[Enjay]

TheDarkArchon said:

You forgot "Romantic Comedies" which is basically chick flickery combined with "humour" of the lowest calibre.

My bad. Yes, "romantic comedies" too.

[Steeveeo]

Lets see...

- Anything made by or shown on Cartoon Network
- Monty Python and the Holy Grail (although that qualifies as "so bad its hilarious")
- Any "Super Macho Guy becomes Unwitting Dad" movie.

Thats all I got for now (I'm a gamer, not a Movie guy).

[DJShrimpy]

You haven't seen a retarded movie until you've seen Quicksilver Highway.

[BoldEnglishman]

Oh god my friends drag me to see a romantic comedy every few weeks! No wonder I'm so twisted...

I thought the recent Alexander the Great film was poor. I felt no sympathy for any of the characters, the plot just jumped years and years at a time, even while trying to concentrate on the plot I just lost it and it just seemed to be fighting, then arguing, then more fighting, then grief repeat.

It wasn't even THAT long a film, but it seemed longer than Ben-Hur, just dragging on and on. My friend thought it was pretty cool just because he loves action of any sort, so about an hour into the film I just went to sleep (we were in a hotel anyway watching it on the same laptop I'm writing this post with)

[Icarus]

Bucket said:

Clerks, Mallrats

Awwh, man, I loved thouse films.



Silent Scream.
Urban Legends: Bloody Mary
Driller Killer
Final Destination 3

Not horror films, more comedies through bad scriptwriting and shit acting and all that stuff.

Oh, and The Day After Tomorrow sucked arse.

[david_a]

Enjay said:

The Thin Red Line

I liked that movie, although they could have easily trimmed it by at least on hour.

Anyway, I'd have to say any Sci-Fi channel original movie is amazingly predicatable, boring, and bland. For that matter, you can also add 90% of the other movies they show (Subspecies, The Dark, and Death Machine come to mind).

I saw X-Men 3 recently and that was also really damn bad.

Marat/Sade is easily the most unpleasant movie watching experience I have ever had, however. Absolutly torturous boredom for 116 minutes.

[YMB]

Steeveeo said:

Any "Super Macho Guy becomes Unwitting Dad" movie.

This summer, see what happens when a mean marine is put in charge of 15 rapscallions hyped up on soda and candy...
DOOMGUY DAY CARE
11-24-07

[zap610]

House of the Dead, nuff said.

Oh and Stuart Little, it was so bad I walked out when I saw it, and I was about the age of "people who should like it".

[Enjay]

Anyone ever seen "The Beastmaster".
http://imdb.com/title/tt0083630/

I think it probably qualifies. Fantasy toss from the pre-LotR era of fantasy movies.

Here's another
"Surf Nazis Must Die"
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0094077/

But it certainly falls into the category of "it was always going to be crap".

[Alboroto]

- Alien vs predator. I was a fan of both creatures, I've seen all their the movies, I have all their albums, I have a fecehugger's plushdoll. But this movie made the skeletons in my closet cry and my balls hung themselves.


- Irreversible. Interesting way to tell a story. Made me feel awful for a week.

- Shark boy and lava girl. I lost a bet with my nephew. He made me watch it. I remember feeling how several thounsand neurons were popping inside my brain, as they were going through somekind of suicidal ritual to protect my brain.

- Mario Bros. It was like calling a glass of water and one drop of lemon a lemonade. Dinosaurs, fungus, black bitches, boots, laser guns...

- Mortal Kombat 2. Here comes Jhonny Cage, Here lies Jhonny Cage. Techno music. Shoot the fireball, use the metal arms. Love wins. Lametality.

- Harry Potter series. Here's a door that NO ONE can open. Harry, does it. A spell that NO ONE can do. Harry, does it. A game NO ONE can win, Harry do it... Halfway through the second movie, I had to use the toilet. Harry winked at me, and the need was gone.

- Terminator 3. Hot chick pretending to be evil. Arnold wearing star-shapped glasses. Oh no, the internets are badz. We all gonna die. I'm Jhon Connor, what can I do for ya?

- Matrix 2 and 3. Matrix had a beautiful story, great plot, great potential. Suddenly, They throw 17845345 characters and try to make it deep. Keymaker, the twins, the merovingian... BTW, you are like the 6th chosen one, so you have to make a choice. (insert several cliche phrases here and there).

There a few more. But I will write about them in the blog. I need to make a better list

[Ed]

alexz721 said:

Johnny Mnemonic was pretty terrible.

When you break it all down..

- The guy that plays Yuri from Red Alert stars as a pimp.

- Dolph Lundgren, AKA Ivan Drago from Rocky 4, plays a homicidal cybernetic assassin modeled after Jesus Christ.

- Ice T is an anarchist leading an underground movement against the system by means of crossbow, flaming cars that drop from the Brooklyn Bridge and a dolphin that happens to read minds, and swim through an "I Want My MTV" video version of the mysterious and often lethal world-wide-web. The dolphin also happens to be a cyborg.

- Henry Rollins, the singer from Black Flag is a quick tempered doctor whose surgical tools are limited to what the prop team could pull from the hardware shelf at the Salvation Army.


As a comedy and for WTF factor, Johnny Mnemonic is pure gold.


The Aqua Teen movie, The Prestige, Pelican Brief, the Godzilla remake, Batman Forever.

[exp(x)]

Borat

[Sharessa]

Worst movie I've ever seen was actually a local flick called Carnival of the Damned, and a bunch of my friends were extras in it. It was horrible in every way possible, even worse than Manos: the Hands of Fate. We figured it would just die on the cutting room floor, but to our surprise it was actually released. And lo and behold, I even found a trailer for it on the internet:

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=7575894564223558937&pl=true

[myk]

Gladly I haven't seen any bad movies at the cinema in a while. I saw a couple on TV more or less recently, but if you ask me what they were, I forget.

Oh, I started watching this on cable recently. But after like 30 minutes I turned it off, and instead cleased my senses with A Clockwork Orange on DVD.

But on the subject of bad movies, I was thinking of the two Conan movies. While the first one is decent in its way, being filmed pretty well, using good scenery and dress, and taking ideas from the stories eloquently, the second is pretty retarded, even using some weak special effects and boasting a particularly lame plot. Nonetheless, having read a lot of Howard's Conan stories, which were quite uneven, both movies actually make sense, depending on what stories (or part of) you're recalling.

[Bank]

I was forced to see Darkness Falls a few years ago. It still remains the absolute worst movie I've ever seen.

[hardcore_gamer]

Yu-Gi-Oh the movie. My little brother was watching it with his friend and i had nothing to do so i set down with them. And boy oh boy did that thing not turn out to be the most stupid movie i have EVER seen! Even for a cartoon aimed at kids. Here are the reasons:

1. The hair style for the characters make them look like they all come from freak'en Pluto.

2. The main characters must save the universe from doom.....by winning a
series of card matches!

3. Here are some typical lines heard ALLOT during the movie:

Main Character: I will now put down 2 cards and end my turn!

Evil Character: And now i will attack your cards with my unbeatable
card of death MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

Main Character: Not so fast! I will now throw in a another card that will save the universe for no reason and stop your evil plans!

Evil Character: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!

I think it speaks for it self why young kids today are so bloody stupid!

[VileSlay]

Pretty much 99% of all SciFi channel original movies are complete utter crap. thats what you were watching myk. I can't stand the plots, the actors, the gore effects or the monsters. all retarded.

as far as movies that are on the big screen, I have to go with ultraviolet, house of the dead, godzilla (the US one), matrix: revolutions, and the davinci code are the top five worst movies I've seen, that I can think of off the top of my head that is. I know I have seen a ton of crappy movies, especially when I worked for tower video.

[Ichor]

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