The Shores of Hell: Prologue

[Impie]

EDIT: Don't read this thread yet! The Shores of Hell is completed! Go here first:
http://sites.google.com/site/theplutoniasaga/Home

Read Knee Deep in the Dead first if you haven't already. Although I think both stories are self-contained to the point where you could read them in whatever order you want.

And come back here if you'd like to post comments.

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Check the old thread for my game plan.
http://www.doomworld.com/vb/fan-fics-fan-pics/41745-novella-in-progress-knee-deep-in-the-dead/

[Da Spadger]

MORE. :D

[Stupid Bunny]

Yes. More.

[Lord_Z]

I like it a bunch, especially Oct. 17th 2599. Poor Keller...

Da Spadger
MORE. :D

:)

[Impie]

Thanks for reading, y'all! :D I'll try to take less time to write the second one than it took for the first.

In the meantime, those of you who have visited my Doom fiction google page (http://mmmacdee.googlepages.com/home) may wanna check out the new and improved version. It now has a homepage and links to Knee Deep in the Dead and what I've posted thus far of The Shores of Hell. It's not much to look at, but I'm all about minimalism I guess.

[Kyka]

Has definite potential... Gets to the point without messing around.

Could be a good read.

The only thing that struck me was where you said "as foggy as a lucid dream". It just sounded a little out of place, coz foggy means blurry and indistinct and lucid means really clear and vivid. They seem kinda opposite.

Sorry, just a small thing, but I thought I would mention it for your consideration anyway.

I like the general idea though. Builds atmosphere really well, gets the story moving straight away. Keep it up. :)

[Impie]

I'd read that a lucid dream was the type where you were aware you were in a dream....but even that doesn't seem to make much more sense than what I actually wrote, so it needs to change either way. I'm glad you pointed it out. Mighta taken me months before I noticed it!

[Impie]

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1
I can’t sleep. The dream was worse than ever this time, and if I don’t get it out right now I might lose it. I can’t afford to lose it in this place.

Part of what makes the dream so horrible is the vivid details. I still can’t make any sense of it, but the images were so crisp and real this time that it curdled my blood. It always starts in a rocky valley with a misty crimson sky hanging overhead like the drooping ceiling of a collapsing tent. The ground churns and moves like it’s alive and winces as razor rock spires stab through from beneath.

An ash-black fortification sits in the center of the scene, probably stretching a mile across. It looks unfinished, maybe abandoned in mid-construction, and it doesn’t seem to protect anything except an empty plot of land. The longer I stare at it the more the walls appear to move like they’re covered in legions of angry black ants, and I swear I hear a voice calling to me, but I can never pinpoint the source and it’s so faint I can’t make out the words. I’m not sure if it’s a man or woman speaking.

What really shook me up were the new visions. Flesh and machine coexisting like something from a Giger painting, except rawer and without unity like the two were being forced together against their will. Crude mechanical parts knitting themselves together with twitching tendons and strips of bleeding flesh. I found myself staring into a huge, screaming mouth, the teeth and tongue red with blood. It screamed and screamed, but I heard nothing.

I saw Ellen lying on her back, her clothes gone and her hair snaking every which way in tangled golden strands. I was suspended above her as if we were making love, but something was wrong. Her face and shoulders were scratched and bloody. Her eyes bulged, bloodshot and filled with terror. She was crying and screaming, and so was I when the dream finally let me go.

I haven’t stopped thinking about her since. I wish I was on Phobos within arm’s reach of her. I wonder if she has any idea what’s happened here.

I really need her right now.

Dr. Jackson, I hope you’ll forgive me for commandeering your PDA, and I hope you’ll understand my reasons for doing so. I lost mine during the chaos and I have no idea what’s become of it. I promise to return your property as soon as I find you. You can do whatever you want with my notes then.
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Introducing our new narrator! This is rough, but I hope it looks satisfactory to those of you who've been following my doom fiction project.

[Lord_Z]

I love the amount of detail and similes/metaphors, they really explain it in great detail. Great job! :)

[Impie]

Deimos no longer orbits mars, and God only knows where we are now. If that isn’t noteworthy enough, the moon’s new home has twisted Deimos Base into a nightmare. The entire facility is now a hodgepodge of UAC technology, ancient stonework, organic tissues, and other substances that I can’t make heads or tails of. It’s tearing down and rebuilding itself, but can’t decide what it wants to be.

Only one area in Central Labs still has its original green tile walls and normal (though inoperable) computer stations; the rest of the sector is a fortress of stone blocks, ash-black like the wall in my dream and giant like those of the Egyptian pyramids. Half the circuitry has been replaced with ugly clusters of pus-colored metal tubes carrying boiling demon blood throughout the walls of the base. I don’t even want to imagine what this new system fuels. Some of the floor panels have collapsed to reveal foul rivers of the stuff oozing through Central’s maintenance tunnels. I can’t stand the smell of it, but the only way to pass these moats is to leap over them with a running start.

[Impie]

Fred, the reluctant leader, is the chattiest. He tells me there were originally eight people in the group, but their numbers dwindled pretty quickly because of this realm’s main inhabitants, which he calls “death heads”: skull-faced comets with gleaming green stars for eyes. He says they “swim aimlessly through the air like lost souls searching for a new body”; they possess human beings and use their bodies to do all manner of despicable things.

“The death heads got three of us,” Fred told me. “Eric and Tina were possessed on the first day and killed Garrett. Tim was possessed yesterday morning, and he probably would’ve killed the rest of us if his seizing hadn’t woke Mark up.

“They aren’t like ghosts exactly. I saw Mark kill one in the hangar when we went to check the radio a week ago. It drifted about like it was on the hunt for us, flicking its fiery tail this way and that and making with all sorts of horrible moaning.

“It jerked to the right all of a sudden when we tried to sneak past, started right for us. Mark raised his gun and shot it right between those gleaming eyes and it burst in a cloud of fire and smoke. Left us choking and gagging for a while, but it was gone. He killed another three before we got back. They used to be everywhere.”

[Prince of Darkness]

So there were Deimos surrvivors...

[Impie]

I think some remnants of the horde that ravaged this place have returned to Deimos, perhaps lured back by the scent of fresh meat. The sounds of skittering and snorting and heavy breathing that tortured us all for two days at the beginning of this whole mess halted my work and put me on full alert every few minutes, though the base appeared as deserted as ever.

We set course for the waste tunnels today. The path has been laid out, but in light of the base's demonic soundtrack our arsenal feels inadequate: three pistols, maybe a hundred rounds, and the plasma gun which I still haven’t tested. All other weapons and ammunition are missing from Security HQ, as I feared.

Wish us luck. Hope to get in contact with you soon.

[Enjay]

Interesting. This work has made me think about an aspect of Doom that I hadn't really considered much. Because by the time you get to Deimos as a player, the place is already a Zombie filled hulk I hadn't given too much consideration to how or when things had happened to the people there: it was already too late.

This thread has opened up an idea that I hadn't really considered, and it's quite an unpleasant one, the idea that Deimos translocated to hell whilst most of the personnel were still sentient and fully human - slowly realising the full horror of what had happened, or perhaps going insane instead.

Good stuff.

[Patrick]

If we took Impie's work and made a fancy mod based on it, that would be awesome. Using the Demon Eclipse resources would be cool...

[Impie]

That would be interesting. Dunno how it would be executed though. The only thing that comes to mind is a lengthier version of the Tei-Tenga mod.

The comments mean a lot, guys. Thanks a bunch! This story should be finished in another week or two, so I'll keep y'all posted.

EDIT: Two weeks tops. It's almost ready for the final edit.

[Prince of Darkness]

Here's an idea: a wad based upon the invasion of Diemos.

How would that play out?

[Impie]

Prince of Darkness said:

Here's an idea: a wad based upon the invasion of Diemos.

How would that play out?

lol everybody dies.

I'm surprised nobody's done that yet, actually (that I know of). I'd imagine it would end like Episode 1, with the player getting his head ripped off.

[GreyGhost]

It would make sense if played from the perspective of one of the invading hellspawn. Would be cool playing as an archie - blast opponents to hell, resurrect them as allies then use them as cannon-fodder.

[Impie]

I had thought about a mod where you would play through the iwads as different monsters, limited to those monsters' attacks and health. It'd boost the game's difficulty for the hardcore doomers.

I'd like playing as a revenant, hitting other monsters with seekers and devastating punches.

[Lord_Z]

I think there is some sort of mod like that that has been made already. I remember being able to play as an Imp and a Baron but I think the Mancubus and Demon were available too. I guess it was not completed since not all the enemies were in it but it was a good start. Taking this concept and making it available to play through any level would be great.

[Impie]

Well, there's always Doom: Rampage Edition. Heheh.

[Prince of Darkness]

Impie said:

I had thought about a mod where you would play through the iwads as different monsters, limited to those monsters' attacks and health. It'd boost the game's difficulty for the hardcore doomers.

I'd like playing as a revenant, hitting other monsters with seekers and devastating punches.

Or make it harder based upon what monster you choose.

Guys like Reverants have low overall health, but a punch as powewrful as a shotgun blast, not to mention the missiles...

Mancubi have insane health and heavy attacks, but 1/2 the walking speed.

I'll start a seperate thread on this.

[Impie]

The Shores of Hell is finished. Go to the site and check it out!

http://sites.google.com/site/theplutoniasaga/Home

I still periodically edit both stories, so comments and critiques are welcome!

[Patrick]

The style in which this is written is very reminiscent of Dracula... i love it...

[Impie]

Thanks, Patrick! I recently finished Dracula, matter of fact. It's been a huge influence on my work.

[Patrick]

Spent about two hours reading through all of this at your website. it definitely managed to keep my attention which is more than I can say for a lot of things I have read or tried to read. I nearly cried when I read the part about Max dying.

A few suggestions that might help you a little.

I felt that Max could have used a little more development in terms of her character. While you do build a lot of suspense around her character, it seems that we needed something to have a little more attachment to her. Sarge could have used a little more development too, although when I think of him, the movie "Platoon" comes to mind.

One thing I think you could have played up a little more was the bursts of sanity and insanity. it seemed a little odd that our hero would curl up and cry in a corner, then stand up and go on a killing spree with no emotion. I think that part could have a much larger role. a little more contrast between the sanity and insanity would be nice.

Another thing that comes to mind when reading this is the plot from Doom 64

Your fatigue was enormous, the price for encountering pure evil. Hell was a place no mortal was meant to experience. Stupid military doctors: their tests and treatments, were of little help. In the end, what did it matter - it was all classified and sealed. The nightmares continued. Demons, so many Demons; relentless, pouring through.

Far Away...

The planetary policy was clear. An absolute quarantine was guaranteed by apocalyptic levels of radiation. The empty dark corridors stand motionless, abandoned. The installations sealed.

The Present...

A long forgotten relay satellite barely executing, decayed by years of bombarding neutrons, activates and sends its final message to Earth. The satellites message was horrific, from the planetary void there came energy signatures unlike anything sampled before.

The classified archives are opened. The military episodes code named "DOOM" were not actually completed. A single entity with vast rejuvenation powers, masked by the extreme radiation levels, escaped detection. In its crippled state, it systematically altered decaying dead carnage back into corrupted living tissue.

The mutations are devastating. The Demons have returned even stronger and more vicious than before. As the only experienced survivor of the DOOM episode, your commission is re-activated. Your assignment is clear: MERCILESS EXTERMINATION

I think the above would be an excellent follow up to any future episodes. eagerly looking forward to reading any future installments!

I give this fan-fic a 666 out of 10.

[Impie]

I'm still pondering ways to develop the narrator's relationship with Max a little more without disrupting the flow of the story. I'll think of something eventually. I'm glad you brought up his bipolar mental condition, though: even though I recently extended the number of days he was up there to give him more recovery time between horrific encounters, I forgot to go in and adjust specific instances. I'm gonna take care of that soon.

I was tempted to do one based on Doom 64, but by the time I finish Inferno I may be exhausted with Doom Fiction altogether. We'll see. Still, I'm glad to know you enjoyed it so much and I look forward to any comments you have on Shores.

[Tango]

I just read some of Shores and I'm amazed

[Impie]

Thanks Tango! Does anyone have any critiques for Shores? I'd like to know if it's on-par with the first or if my writing's on a decline. That'll help me make sure I do Inferno right when I get around to writing it.