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crates.wad review/fanfic

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Today I reviewed a prefab wad on idgames and decided to write a story about my experiences playing it. The wad is the most fun I've had in a long time.


Here is the review:

This caused me intense pleasure for the about two hours I was trying to beat it. However it was too hard. I tried in vain to get to the top crate, but instead repeatedly slammed my body up against the wall. With a dull thud I hit every time, my neon green body armor rubbing the blue paint of the crate off which each attempt I made to scale the insurmountable pillars before me.

I tried, fruitlessly, to climb up, and my fingernails were peeled off on the edge of the splintering pine that housed the UAC's implements of war packaged within the crates. In frustration I found myself shooting at the crates with my pea shooter, hoping to expose the BFG I fantasized being trapped inside. When I ran out of ammo and the mighty UAC crates refused to yield their beautiful treasures, I beat my fists into the wooden containers...

What was supposed to be pine felt like immortal mahogany as the leather of my gloves tore apart, exposing my reddened knuckles. The pink of my skin's agitation soon turned to a bloody red fountain as my skin broke against the mighty xylem before me, and I painted the box red with the spatter of my blood. I panted. It was no use.

The sweat from my brow mingled with my freshly spilled blood as my forehead dragged down the crate in defeat, my mangled hands embracing the wooden monolith, tears of my defeat softening the blood spatter as it covered my face and marked me in shame. This wad, my friends, is truly an epic for our times, celebrating the impotence of man as he beats his entire body against the mighty phallus of fate. -Shaikoten, 5 stars.

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Oh dear. Someone should make a level completely with crates and surreal background textures. A complete crate maze...

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