(Another) Doom Story pt. 5.2

[Tek]

I've returned from a LONG hiatus to bring you part 5.2. It won't be part six until I have time to add a reasonably large amount. I wrote this all last night, so it might seem rushed, but I hope you enjoy it.

(Another) Doom Story pt. 5.2

The monsters were dead.
As Frederick went to help Private Kirin, I inspected the corpses of the demons we'd killed. They were just as Williamson described, with shiny, deep-set crimson eyes and sharp spines jutting out of their bodies. Their brown hides were not composed of flesh; rather millions of tiny scales which glistened wetly in the dim light. Small holes in the palms of the hands, like the eyes, glowed with a strange, red aura that felt hot when I put my hand near it.
"Disgusting, isn't it?" I heard Frederick say behind me.
I turned around to find Frederick staring at the corpses. A grimace played across his face.
"I wonder where they came from?" I thought out loud, nudging one of the corpses with my boot. The thing was damned heavy.
"I got no idea," Frederick replied, "but they ain't one of God's creatures, that's for sure." He made the Sign of the Cross on his breast.
I never did get that whole Christian schtick.

We waited at the entrance to the security station for a long while, our trigger fingers getting itchier by the minute. Our small resting period was, for the most part, uninterrupted, except by Kirin's grunts of pain from the burns on his shoulder and Kosky's pessimistic babble. He'd calmed down since the first time I met him, though he was still borderline insane.
What I was really worried about, though, was PFC Williamson and Private Stevens. They'd been gone for an awfully long time by now--I wondered if they'd run into trouble.
"What in the name of wide-freaking-world-of-sports do you think they could be doing in there?" Frederick asked, reading my mind. He leaned sleepily against the wall. We were all bored.
"Beats the shit out of me," I replied over my shoulder. I sat cross-legged in the middle of the hallway, watching Kirin's chest slowly rise and fall. He had fainted from the pain a while ago, and we had to pistol-whip Kosky to keep him from running off in his near-insanity. He sat unconscious, slumped against the wall.
I got up and walked around a bit to stretch my limbs, giving a small yelp when my foot started tingling. It was asleep.
Frederick reached inside his breast pocket and pulled out a pack of Camels. He slipped one out of the box, and reached down to one of the small bundles on his belt. After a bit of rifling through the pack, he pulled out a butane breaching torch. He lit the torch and held it to the cigarette. A moment later, he was merrily puffing.
"Want one?" he asked around the cigarette.
"Those things'll kill you."
"Unless those monsters get to you first." He chuckled.
Seeing the logic in his reasoning, I reached out for the cigarette he held out to me. He lit it, and I inhaled.
I near coughed up my lungs, and Frederick laughed out loud.

*****

"Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit!" Stevens was cracking up.
"Keep your aim, soldier!" I yelled, beginning to feel the first pangs of fear myself.
The devils approaching us walked confidently, almost mockingly, taking their time in advancing on us. They walked with totally straight backs, as if they were in some kind of twisted army themselves. Their goatlike hooves click-clacked on the bloody concrete floor, the only sounds in the room.
And those eyes, those piercing, jet black eyes, were all pointed straight at us, the shining, black pools threatening to entrance and consume us.
Time seemed to slow down, and all I could hear was the monotone of those horrible footsteps.
'Click, clack, click, clack…"
It was all I could do to not piss my suit.
I came back to my senses and tried to find a way out of this damned deathtrap. The demons were still a very far way removed from us; about ten meters. I realized, suddenly, how freaking HUGE the cellblock was.
They weren't yet near the door. We still had a window of escape.
"Let's make a break for it," I whispered, even though the devils probably couldn't understand me even if I had yelled it.
Stevens nodded enthusiastically. He didn't hide the fact that he wanted the hell out.
Just as Stevens moved his head, the devils stopped in their tracks. They all let out a roar in unison that sounded very much like three bulls on super-concentrated steroids, and the green flames that engulfed their hands flared up and became incredibly bright, turning into miniature suns.
Despite my order, Stevens let off a short burst of gunfire at the middle demon. The bullets hit, but did not penetrate. The rounds flattened themselves like lead pancakes, then fell uselessly to the floor. The monsters only seemed to get angrier and raised their hands, all in unison, winding up for the pitch that would turn us into marine bacon.
Stevens stopped firing and cursed as he watched the pancaked bullets hit the floor.
"Break!" I yelled and sprinted left, towards the door.
That got me noticed.
The devils all turned on me and took aim, throwing their balls of burning green stuff at me a nanosecond later. But their aim was hasty and off-target. Two of the projectiles sailed past me on both sides, but the one thrown by the middle demon seemed to be guided by the hand of Satan itself. It actually curved towards me, and I threw myself on the ground in time to avoid getting hit in the face. It flew over my head and hit the wall behind me. The concrete wall hissed and oozed when it was hit, the area at the point of impact turning a sickly green and melting to the floor, where it hissed like the brown acid blood of those spined bastards.
It was then that I saw the demons' hands without the flames utterly consuming them.
There were holes all over the wrists, holes which oozed out a transluscent green mucus. The mucus oozed down the wrists and covered the hands. Seconds after the hand was covered, the mucus lit on fire, making the emerald flames. I knew what would happen if I stuck around to watch what happened next, so I got up and bolted out the door, Stevens hustling in after me.
The monsters gave a furious cry at losing their prey and started after us, their pace a bit hastier, but not yet a full run.
"Close the fucking door!" Stevens yelled over their monstrous howls.
We started to slide shut the heavy metal doors, the Demons hastily closing in on us. They were only a few meters away when we finally closed the huge doors, roaring something horrible as we cosed the last few centimeters. The door control panel with the automatic lock had been torched by Peterson's group, but there was still a manual lock switch on the door itself for when the prisoners got rowdy. UAC thought of everything.
I flipped the swtich.
There was a click as the manual lock slid into place, effectively separating us from the devil impersonators on the other side. We could still hear them howling in frustration. They banged themselves against the door, and, for a second, it seemed like the door was going to give in.
I was relieved when crash after crash sounded but the door didn't budge.
"We made it," Stevens said cautiously, wiping the sweat off his forehead.
We both slumped against the wall, exhausted from fear, and listened to Hell knock at the door.

*****

Hope you enjoyed it! DSM, I used an idea of yours--thanks!

[dsm]

I'm glad that I gave you some inspiration and I'm glad that you found a way out of the writer's block. This part sure was a good read and it might give me some inspiration to help me with my own story.

*thumbs up!

[Tek]

There doesn't seem to be a very high degree of interest in this story. As of this posting, the story has only been viewed about 7 or 8 times, and I've viewed it 3 times. Unless someone (besides dsm) actually READS the story and gives it a meaningful critique soon, I'm just going to discontinue the freaking thing. I'm not in this for notoriety, but I need FEEDBACK.

[dsm]

Yeah, I get the same impression about my own story. They all seem more interested in "DooM:Teh reel storey!" than the stories where there's actually put a bit of thought into :-(
Sorry to hear that Tek, but I understand your decision.

[GooberMan]

that or romero pr0n :P

[Fredrik]

Yeah, I get the same impression about my own story. They all seem more interested in "DooM:Teh reel storey!" than the stories where there's actually put a bit of thought into :-(
Sorry to hear that Tek, but I understand your decision.

Wtf you say there's no thought put into The REEl Storey?

[dsm]

Well, through my eyes, it looks like some kids writing with a lot of thought put into screwing up the spelling to make it almost unreadable.
Guess I'm not a true doomer since everyone else likes your 'storey'.
(You may flame me now)

[Fredrik]

In case you didn't get it, it's a parody of the usual kiddie newbie-crafted novels we get here occasionally :)

[dsm]

That's acknowledged, but I still don't see its greatness, sorry fredrik.
The only thing that pisses me off right now, is that I wont see any more compelling novel-like stories for a loooong time, now that Tek has abandoned writing his story - and wildman, it seems, has stopped writing "Tomorrow's Yesterday" :-(
Oh well, I can go back and read all the older stories posted here again to get my fix...

[Tek]

Whoa, whoa, now...I'm not going to discontinue it just like that! I've put in way too much time to just drop it cold-turkey. I'll give it another week or so, but unless someone gives me a good critique in that space of time, I'm just gonna take the story to some other forum. I wouldn't stop this for something as superficial as a lack of posts, contrary to the convictions of my previous post. I'd like a new critique, though, so I can make it better for all you guys/gals/???s.

[dsm]

In case you'll bring it to another forum, would you care to reveal which forum, so that I can still read your story?

[Katgut]

I don't normally respond now unless...

(1) I'm being sarcastic;
(2) I've actually got ideas to throw into the Community Story; or
(3) The story sucks.

Unfortunately, that seems to be how everyone else here is, too. Lack of response != lack of interest.

[Liam]

In case you didn't get it, it's a parody of the usual kiddie newbie-crafted novels we get here occasionally :)

*cough*bbg*coughcough*fpslounge*cough*

[Tek]

Speaking of BBG, I've not heard from him in this forum for quite a while. Is he banned or something? Or did he do us a favor and give up on fiction?

[Tek]

Speaking of BBG, I've not heard from him in this forum for quite a while. Is he banned or something? Or did he do us a favor and give up on fiction?

[dsm]

I take it you don't visit the other forums?
Nope, BBG is not banned, he just gave up fan fiction.