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Doom Cops

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Flynn ran headlong into the first room in E1M1. He automatically turned left & darted up the stairs towards the green armor room, firing his pistol ahead of him to take out one of the shotgun-toting zombie sergeants which stood at the top of the stairs. He hurdled the fallen form, grabbing the shotgun as he passed by. He spun around, backing towards the armor as he blew away the other sergeant. He dropped off the ledge to the left of the stairs & hit the button on the side of the pillar. Another sergeant lumbered towards him. Flynn dropped him with a shotgun blast as he ran out into the blue room & through the opening by the window.

He found himself out in the familiar outside area. He ran toward the nukage pool & leaped over to the other side, bypassing the blue armor for now. A section of the wall had lowered, revealing the dark interior of the computer room above. Flynn looked up into the opening to see the ceiling & walls. No zombies had walked into view yet. He jumped up to the ledge & walked inside to dispatch the zombies within the room.

BREEEEEEEEEP! A whistle blasted behind him. Flynn stopped & turned. "What the...?" A man in a blue uniform & sunglasses approached him, clipboard in hand. Flynn gaped at him.

"Doom Police," the man said. "You just jumped up to that ledge. This level wasn't designed for that. You can only enter this room by the door from the blue room, or from the zig-zag room if you go into the outside area & through the tunnel. I'm gonna have to write you up." He pulled out a pen & yanked off the cap with his teeth. "Not only that, but you looked up. You know that this game isn't designed for that. Look at all the
distortion you caused to the walls." He began scribbling on his pad.

Flynn was stunned. "But, I was too busy looking for the zombies to notice the distortion. & I jumped up because it's fun to take this shortcut."
The cop shook his head. "Did you even stop to think of the consequences of your actions? You look up, you look down. So you can see things a little better. If id had wanted you to look up & down, they would have put you in Quake, not Doom!

"But what's the harm in it? & so what if I want to jump over things I couldn't before?"

"Son, you've just ruined the continuity of this level, & any other level you go through. All the hard work that's been put into those maps, & you're just gonna skate on through? Not while I'm around, mister." The cop pointed his finger at Flynn, & began to wag it at him for emphasis. "You're gonna hoof it through, just like all the Doomers in my day did. We didn't have all this pansy hopping around then. We walked to the armor & back, through 3 feet of nukage, both ways. & we were thankful for that armor! Did we complain about not being able to jump up to the ledge & walk around? No! Did we cry about not being able to see the snipers in the computer station? No! We fired blind, & let autoaim do the rest. Autoaim was good enough back then, & it's good enough today."

"B-but," Flynn stammered, "I like being able to jump & look up & down. It's FUN!"

"Well, son, that kind of fun comes at a cost. Have you ever stopped to think of how much it upsets other people to watch you jump & look up & down? I didn't think so. Well, son, there are still some people with traditions around here, & they aren't happy one bit to see you jump over those carefully placed knee-high barriers."


PWAAAANNNNNNGGGG!!! A gong sounded somewhere nearby. Flynn spun around to see an elderly, stoop-figured man dressed in flowing robes. The man's features were serene. His hands were hidden by the flowing sleeves of the robe. He held out one hand, palm up, to Flynn.
"One true path there is," he intoned. "One way through the level go. Forsake the jumping, & the way you will know. You must not deviate from the way of the mapper. You have forsaken the true path, & the mapper is displeased. You must go back & start anew, without the wrongful jumping."
Flynn looked at the man, sensing that there was more to be heard, & was silent. The man extended his other hand, also palm up, & spoke.
"You have gazed up & down & beheld the forbidden sights. Your eyes are seared with the visions of things that were meant to be left unseen. You have seen the walls stretch & bend. You have seen the tiling sky texture, or even worse, the stretching
sky texture. You have looked with the wrong perspective, the perverse mlook!"

"Waitaminnit!" Flynn held out both hands as if he was pushing away the cop & the elderly man. "I know that the maps don't flow like they were designed to when I jump around. I know that the walls & monsters don't look right when I use mlook. But I can see more now. I can go further now. I am having fun, which is why everybody else comes here. I don't mind the problems. I'm not expecting Quake or Unreal. I don't expect you to follow me. I don't expect you to agree with me. Just let me enjoy the new things that I can do in here. You, mister Yoda-Whatever, can follow your true path, & you, Doom Cop, can.. go eat doughnuts, I guess."

The cop & the elderly man stood silently, watching Flynn as he hefted his shotgun & ran off, seeking zombies & imps.

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