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Mr. T

Doom fanfic

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The landing had gone off without a hitch. For a while there, D had hoped that the distress signal from Phobos was just another drill. The gunfire and screams, the latter fast becoming a whole lot more frequent than the former put a rest to that theory. Maybe.

Somewhere not so deep inside of himself, D still hoped that everything would be OK and they would be able to get off this moon, a moon so cursed by retardation that it was not even kinda spherical. Get off this moon and get back to his porno, fuck yeah. Mars had all the best porno. Too bad that was the only thing it had going in it's favor.

Damn, D thought. I've got to concentrate on guarding the ship. His security team's channel had fallen silent. No more sound of plasma melting stuff and the voices of men he didn't really care about barking orders at each other. Oh well, might as well go back to Mars and wait for UAC to fed-ex a nuke from Earth to turn whatever was causing the commotion into neat piles of space-dust.

Damn, he thought again. Who's gonna fly me back to Mars? I don't have a spaceship license, and in the hurry to get down here I forgot to bring my driving glasses. He considered for a moment, and remembered that the labs on the other side ox the moon were testing a kind of matter shifting device before everything (apparently) got fucked up. If I can get over there... he got hopeful about the porn-viewing potential ... maybe I'll be able to beam myself to Mars, or even back to Earth...

At that very moment, the bright silver door that seperated the landing area from the rest of the hangar opened up. A horrible smell preceded an interesting visage. D recognized the man.

-Flynn, you're OK! What happened to everyone else?
-What happened to you?! You smell like shit...
-grunt grunt

Flynn fixed his bloodshot eyes on D and started advancing on him. He didn't look so well, with his pale skin and red eyes, but whatever. Nothing a medkit and a beer couldn't fix. D changed his mind rather quickly when Flynn started raising his rifle.

-Flynn? What are you doing? Flynn...
-grunt raadeejddhchuf moan
-...you've left me with no choice.

As the zombie man moved his hand to click the rifle's safety off, for a fraction of a second he felt hot lead in his face. He then didn't feel anything as his zombie brain exploded like spaghetti out of the new hole in the back of his head. You can't feel anything without a brain.

Flynn, now devoid of even zombie life collapsed to the ground and twitched around a bit before ceasing to move.

-You made me do it. What made you like this? Hopefully the path between here and my ticket out of here isn't filled with people like you.

D stepped into the hangar proper, and knew it would be.

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"You can't feel anything without a brain."

Shakespeare would be proud of a line like that!

Yaaay for literature. :)

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Several maps later...

D stepped through the door. He felt a distinct stinging in his eyes and thought it would be a good time to helmet up.

He walked close, almost precariously so, to the pit in front of him, observing it's contents.

-Green shit. What were they doing on Phobos that would require a big pit of glowing green liquid?

D decided not to give a green shit about the green shit. Until he saw a body-suited human figure sitting in the corner. Not a zombie, because from what he had seen so far, zombies have no idea how to chill the fuck out, man.


The figure didn't move. D lifted his shotgun, and shot it at the ceiling, directly above whatever it was.

Showered in debris, the figure leapt up and screeched

-I don't wanna diiiiiiiie!

D laughed at his whiny high voice and replied

-Are you a man?

-Y.yyyyy…yes, and my name's Buddy!

-Buddy's not a marine name. What are you doing down there?

-Phobos security! I fell down here trying to find my way to the secret exit.

-OK Buddy, how long do you think your suit will last?

-A while! I've been down here for a few hours already. I was just having a nap…

-Look Buddy, I've got demons to waste and zombies to fuck up. Look, I'll go and find a rope or something cause whoever built this thing didn't have a grain of sense, cause it doesn't even have a god damn ladder.

D stepped back from the pit, ignoring Buddy's pleas to not leave him. He decided to move on.


The UAC security door started sliding up. Someone had opened it from the other side. The cacophony of grunts and screams was deafening, the smell was lethal, like the kind of farts he was accustomed to passing the morning after downing 10 beers on Mars' all-u-can-drink Tuesdays.

The door opened to a room full of zombie UAC security, hideous brown monsters, and even more grotesque pink ones. They all paused their orgy of acting like tards and looked straight at D.

-I am looking for a way back to Mars. I cannot find a way back to Mars.

Before they could even process the frustration in his voice, D had already blasted all of them to bits with his shotgun. The pink thing was now a semi-living heap, moaning. The brown monster was a brown pile of guts, and the UAC security were now spattered all over the walls.

The pink thing grunted and D pointed his gun at it.

- Hey baby, what's going on?

It gazed at him absentmindedly, the way something dying or something stupid does.

- No? No? NO?

The sound of the marine's maniacal laughter after he blew the pink thing's big head to component parts bounced off the walls off the room, only softened each bounce by the big fleshy pile of corpses on the floor.

Buddy waited.

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Mr. T said:

the smell was lethal, like the kind of farts he was accustomed to passing the morning after downing 10 beers on Mars' all-u-can-drink Tuesdays.

I see you have been doing your homework lately.

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