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Shapeless

I keep hearing ads on my pc

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I keep hearing a female voice advertise some cleaning product on my pc, I don't know what is causing it or how to make it stop. and it's driving me fucking nutz. anybody have any clue?

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I had adware once or something like it. Norton told me the name of it, but for some reason couldn't delete it. Luckily because it gave me the name, I was able to see it running in task manager, and was able to manually delete it off my computer. Talk about badass. :)

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Just do as the overlords tell you and buy the cleaning products, already.

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YOW!

Maes' voices are giving my voices nightmares. What do I do?

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Turn off and disconnect your PC, chop it into small pieces with an axe, mix the pieces into a barrel of concrete, seal the barrel inside a drum of epoxy resin and drop the drum into the Mariana Trench.
Problem solved - your PC is now 100% malware-proof.

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Well I just wasted a ton of my time downloading stupid programs that will do nothing but tell me that my pc has issues. ya like no shit. they all scan your pc for free but won't do jack shit unless you register by paying money. at least registry booster was nice enough to clean up some of the problems, so that it wasn't a complete waste of my fucking time. I have McAfee but It didn't do alot of good since for no reason explorer opens up multiple windows to sites I can nothing for. and all the warez sites want me to pay them.

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Try AdAware or SpyBot: Search & Destroy, they're highly reliable free programs that WILL remove problems that they find.

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Shapeless said:

unless you register by paying money.
I have McAfee
all the warez sites want me to pay them.


Good God man, learn to Internet.

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GreyGhost said:

Turn off and disconnect your PC, chop it into small pieces with an axe, mix the pieces into a barrel of concrete, seal the barrel inside a drum of epoxy resin and drop the drum into the Mariana Trench.
Problem solved - your PC is now 100% malware-proof.


Don't forget to do the same to all removable drives/USB keys. Malware is sneaky these days.

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Those solutions are much too extreme. A large and powerful electromagnet run over the computer's circuits will coax out the malware.

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First make a 'honeypot' laptop that looks like this:
http://images.encyclopediadramatica.com/images/2/21/Failsplorer.jpg
Sprinkle bacon bits on it and leave it next to your affected computer overnight. In the morning, the malware will be in the laptop eating the other malware (having already eaten the bacon bits). Have a trash bag ready and slowly reach for the laptop with gloves, then as quick as possible put it in the trash bag and seal it.
Recommended ways to dispose of the malware are:
*Release it into Steve Ballmer's front lawn. This should be easy to do undetected because all the security cameras are controlled by windows and he probably has like 80 houses so won't likely be at the house you visit (they're easy to find, just look for giant bananas with doors).
*Sell it on the black market: http://fora.tv/2010/05/10/Nils_Gilman_Deviant_Globalization#Deviant_Globalization_Nils_Gilman_on_the_Black_Market
*Be creative!

Enjoy your goatse men and tubgirls malware free!

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Scet said:

Good God man, learn to Internet.


I'm not a fucking retard. if my computer weren't so slow I would have found a keygen or some other crack. I got antimalware doctor harassing me every 10 seconds and in some cases closing all my windows. everything takes forever to do. and sometimes after a long wait my internet browser becomes unresponsive. it just makes me want to rip all the hairs out of my scrotum!

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Shapeless said:

I got antimalware doctor harassing me every 10 seconds and in some cases closing all my windows.

I'm not surprised, it's malware and probably installed some of the other malware that's plaguing you. Here's a guide to getting rid of it, the trial version of Malwarebytes' Anti-Malware is apparently adequate for the job, as for the rest - try the Kaspersky Rescue CD followed by SpyBot S&D and CCleaner.

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Shapeless said:

I'm not a fucking retard. if my computer weren't so slow I would have found a keygen or some other crack. I got antimalware doctor harassing me every 10 seconds and in some cases closing all my windows. everything takes forever to do. and sometimes after a long wait my internet browser becomes unresponsive. it just makes me want to rip all the hairs out of my scrotum!


You didn't follow the instructions posted by GreyGhost. You don't need to use any software that requires a keygen. Warez sites are malware explosions on crack, especially if you're using IE. Stay away from those. I had a look at the thread he said to read. It's a good starting point.

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Well, by now your computer must have become a clusterfuck of stacked malware, and you made it worse by using "online scanners" (which are one of the biggest scams ever, how can a web application ever have the necessary low-level control to fight/detect stuff that works at the kernel/OS level?) and self-proclaimed "spyware cleaners".

If -and that's a big if- you find a professional or a VERY knowledgeable and patient friend who can "surgically" remove each and every malware without reformatting everything, your box is gonna spend at least a day in the lab, undergoing a multi-tiered cleanup procedure.

I had to fight my share of malware as a comp. tech, and it can range from simply deleting a startup entry -for VERY old or very crudely made spyware- to stuff so bad that the only solution is to boot from a LiveCD (Linux based preferable) and delete any offending files directly, without ever activating the infected OS, and then working up from there.

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Indeed. I've done literally hundreds or thousands of those. Like Maes says, they range from stupid and simple to absolutely nasty. I didn't think to mention how this is probably massively infected by now. It seemed obvious (my bad).

At this point if you don't have a super-patient spyware surgeon friend around or a pile of cash to spend on a tech it might be time to grab the files you need and reinstall Windows. That's always a pain in the arse, but it does work nicely.

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When following the wipe & re-install route - don't forget to scan the stuff that's been backed up before restoring it.

Aliotroph? said:

Warez sites are malware explosions on crack, especially if you're using IE. Stay away from those.

Agreed, you can wind up being stung twice - by scripts on their web servers that are intended to compromise browsers and by unexpected extras buried in the downloads. Some people are even fool enough to pay for the privilege of having their PC infected - go figure.

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My friend's dad did that. "But I'm protected!" "Uh, no you're not. SpyAxe is a trojan, man." We just removed that from his computer and let him figure out if it compromised his credit card.

I had a caller at Dell who did the same thing. "I'm trying to install this Microsoft antivirus..." Yeah, It was WinAntivirus 2007 and he had Windows ME -- Dell won't fix malware on Windows ME and he lost his discs. I told him to call the credit card people first and then try and deal with Indian tech idiots. Poor bastard. WinAntivirus was a coo trojan. It did the same crap as the other fake antiviruses, but it went further. It could remove its competitors and it even had a real tech support line.

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Get a Linux boot disk and try to backup some of your files. Do not back up programs and especially not the operating system, as they are very likely compromised. Repair stores will have them if you don't have access to another computer. After that do a complete reformat with a real disk not warez, as you obviously don't know how to find anything.

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To nitpick, what he was using was malware, not warez. Not defending warez here, but there are some differences:

An illegitimaly copied and eventually cracked copy of Windows or a game = warez.

However, unlike what you might be told from time to time, these are often NOT compromised security-wise, at least not directly. Copies of unprotected stuff are usually 1:1, while serious cracking groups never bother "planting" adware/malware in their distros.

Warez can only become a security risk or functionally impaired if automatic updates or some other DRM/licensing control scheme doesn't work right or is broken because of the cracking, but otherwise I've never seen a warezed version of pretty much...anything that was deliberately compromised with malware (if you exclude DOS-era infected executables...but .EXE viruses are now a thing of the past). I've seen a lot of "third party" cracks that weren't the real deal though.

Whatever shit he installed was some fake-ass dialer-ridden, adware-ridden, scam piece of software which claims to do one job and does another one entirely (and covertly) = malware.

Then again, most of the "warez" you will find around is actually fake/malware or even deliberately planted (if e.g. that wonderful keygen site seems to make you download the same .exe file for EVERYTHING, then something's fishy).

But yeah, if you don't know what you're doing, you can end up with a lot of nasty stuff that's not even warez, technically: just because a dialer or adware has been renamed as "Keygen for xxx" doesn't make it warez ;-)

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I'm know it wasn't warez Maes, I'm just trying to keep him from messing up further by going the warez route. If someone can't even find legitimate software properly, there's little hope of them finding actual warez and not more fake trojan ridden crap.

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Aliotroph? said:

My friend's dad did that. "But I'm protected!" "Uh, no you're not. SpyAxe is a trojan, man." We just removed that from his computer and let him figure out if it compromised his credit card.

I had a caller at Dell who did the same thing. "I'm trying to install this Microsoft antivirus..." Yeah, It was WinAntivirus 2007 and he had Windows ME -- Dell won't fix malware on Windows ME and he lost his discs. I told him to call the credit card people first and then try and deal with Indian tech idiots. Poor bastard. WinAntivirus was a coo trojan. It did the same crap as the other fake antiviruses, but it went further. It could remove its competitors and it even had a real tech support line.

Man, I always wonder how people get viruses and malware all the time while I haven't had any in about a decade. Then I realise that some people are morons.

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Yeah, people are morons. They listen to those popup things on the web saying they're infected and then they get infected.

My bro grabbed warez copy of Worms Armageddon. The installer was replaced by a clever trojan. I got to remove it the next morning. 600 MB trojan ftw! That stuff does still happen. Occasionally so do viruses that infect ever .exe on the computer, but it's been five years since I've seen one.

It's not worth trying to copy programs anyway in most case. Either they're little things that are easy to copy again (eg. DooM ports) or they're big things with complex registry entries and install information. They might work, but good luck ever uninstalling them.

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Some of the spyware "ads" didn't even keep up with the times: I still see "You've got x new messages" .gif banners with a faux-Win9x look, or "Click HERE to download FREE GAMES!" Javascript popups, or the n-th "YOU'RE THE 9,999,999,999,999th VISITOR! CLICK HEERE TO CLAIM YOUR PRIZE!!!" animated gif, first time I saw THAT was at least as far back as 1997. Not to mention that dialer popups and "businesses" are always on the prowl... and yet people still fall for them.

I realize that some (or all?) of that spyware has a specific function (or several functions, like keystroke logging, stealing passwords, displaying ads) but most often they just end up stacking up on some machine they can't harvest anything useful from (I've even seen offline machines having stacked infections, which just turns them into useless binary blobs).

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Maes said:

Not to mention that dialer popups and "businesses" are always on the prowl... and yet people still fall for them.

I'm reminded of an acquaintance who fell for a "Play with $200 of our money" online casino popup - not real money of course - only to discover later that the dialer was connecting to the casino via a $3.95-per-minute premium service line. :D

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