h*e*x*e*n: part one

[sleepy_boy]

This is a kind of foreshadowing for Hexen. I hope you enjoy it. ^_^

H*E*X*E*N:

Baratus's story



You knew he was evil from the first mention of his name. However, your leader was convinced that He would help you and your brothers in arms destroy the enemies on the western seas. You had been sent days later to train in the Hypostyle, the centre for arts, knowlage and strength in Cronos. Here, you met your two greatest allies; Parias, a young cleric on a spiritual quest, and Daedolon, a quiet mage sent to hone his skills. You only had a chance to talk with them at meal times in the Central Forum of the Hypostyle, but that was enough to confirm that you all had your doubts about this "new god".

1 year later...

Damn, you were almost locked out from entering the teleportal back to the Prime City, where Zedek the Great, leader of the Legion, is to give a great speach. Every soldier in the Legion will hear this speach, It is also said that the Church, led by Traductus the Grand Patriarch, will recieve a speach at the Great Seminary. Furthur reports suggest that Menelkir the Mage will make an apperiance to the Arcanum from the Crystal Dias. Running now, you see a feild of fellow warriors, with a great stage at the front. A huge stone wall is behind the stage, with a giant stone sitcle in the middle.

A hush comes over the soldiers now, as a giant man dressed in shiny steel armour rises to the podium...

"Fellow legionnaires, this is a great time to be alive!" he roars. "We have defeated the armies of Western Cronos, and have incorperated most of their people back into our communities!" A cheer rises, but soon dies down. "We also have a new, powerful freind on our side. Korax the Magnificent!"

a dull roaring sound fills the air. Suddenly, the stone circle at the front is covered in mystic fire, like the teleportals, and a golden face emerges.

It's horrible. Like a cross between the Chaos serpents that roam free in the countryside and a Demon. It speaks, though it's long, skeletal teeth don't move.

"YOU...ARE...ALL...MINE!"

Suddenly, large blue sparks appear from the sides of the feild, large creatures with the legs of horses and the torsos of men with swords and armour. You look back at the stage; Zedek is gone, and the first rows of mighty legionnaires are turning into awful beasts with two heads. Instictivly, you spin around and run, but a centaur blocks your path. strapping on your gloves, you pound the shit out of that monster. the wave of transformation is approching rappidly, so you run, back into the teleporter to the Hypostyle.

Daedolon and Parias are already there. Aperently, the same events happened to them also, but in different ways. A Former legionnaire emerges from the teleportal, and Parias attacks it with his mace. Meanwhile, daedolon stands atop the Master Compass, the supposed power core for all teleportals, preforms an incantation, and Red smoke arrises. "Hurry, freinds!" he yells, and all three of you jump through.

5 years later...

Chicken and pork, that is all you have eaten for the last 3 months since you found two of the Great Blasphemies here (a Morph Ovum & a Porkelator). No one said living in a cave atop a mountain would be easy though. Looking out the entrence, you see a deep pit in the ground about 5 miles away. It's Winnowing Hall, the first outpost of Korax, where he first came to this dimention from the one called "Earth". Ettins have oftin attempted to reach you, but you usualy wind up eating them here.

What's this? a grey line on the horizon! An army of centaurs? Etins? no, you remember something Daedolon said before you were seperated. "a great grey mist shall overcome the land for 2 days when Korax can be attacked." This must be it! you pack up your gloves, a crystal vial, and your armour and prepare yourself for the trek to Winnowing Hall...

END OF PART ONE

[Vominus]

Not bad at all considering some of the crap I've allowed myself to sit through. I approve.

[dsm]

[...]you pound the shit out of that monster

The word-choice "pound the shit out of" ain't too fitting in this universe if you ask me - it gives me associations to a typical Doom-marine story.
A more "medieval" language would suit the Hexen universe more.

Otherwise, good story - it's an interesting read, though perhaps you should describe things more carefully to give the story full effect.

[sleepy_boy]

I'm also going to do the same story fromthe veiwpoint of Parias and Daedolon

[Liam]

It's got potential, but I have several complaints...

1.) I don't like the perspective much, placing 'you' in the shoes of Baratus. I think it should be Baratus as the narrator... i.e. 'I entered the hypostyle to find Parias and Daedalon'.

2.) Way way way too quick. Take your time, I'd rather see one thorough, descriptive story then a bunch of hashed-up ones for each character.

3.) 'YOU... ARE... ALL... MINE...'

If you're going to involve Korax as a character with opinions and dialogue there's going to need to be more than that. That doesn't tell you a whole lot about Korax nore does it set him up to me an enigma for most or all of the book.

On that note you could also describe the three heroes more thoroughly. You're just lumping all your characters into giant balls of 'kill the evil dude and save the world'. Give them emotions, opinions, and motivation here.

[sleepy_boy]

Great ceasers ghost , you expect that much of me?

It took me 2 hours to write the above.

Anyways, Baratus is a warior. Small mind, large mussles. Daedolon is a Mage, brilliant, but weak. Parias is a 50/50.

So this story is seen from the dull mind of a big clod, while my next story will be full of detail from an intelligent weakling.

[Liam]

So this story is seen from the dull mind of a big clod, while my next story will be full of detail from an intelligent weakling.

Heh, ok, I'm waiting for it :)

[Vominus]

I have several complaints...

That was an excellent job of criticism, Liam.

I'm looking forward to the future versions of this story! Do consider Liam's suggestions.

[Vominus]

I'm posting this here because I don't want to interrupt the telling of Part Two.

So far it's going alright, but you should really go back and proof read. I'm not gonna pick out any spots since it's written and done. Bad keyboard is no excuse!

Part Two dragged compared to Part One. Focus a little more on character development and be more descriptive. Like Liam said, slow down a bit!

But please keep writing, I enjoy reading your works so far.

[dsm]

Great ceasers ghost , you expect that much of me?

It took me 2 hours to write the above.

You do have the possibility to become better.

2 hours may seem like much, but it takes several hours to write something good. Take your time and only work on your story when you feel like it.
The way I write: I start 'scetching' up the story to give myself a basic idea, this means writing the story out of my head. Then I put it away for a while and return to it later to look over what I've written so far.
If I find lame elements in my writing I do what I can to get rid of them and replace them with something better if I can.
I feel that your story has great potential, but you release the chapters too quickly after one another (I see that you've already released part two) and they ARE rushed. Don't view your stories as something you have to get over with quickly - you get a lot more satisfaction from posting a story where you have spent a lot of time and thought writing it (two hours ain't really 'long time').

I'm hope you don't get disheartened by the comments you get here, because I'm curious to see how you'll pull it off.

[sleepy_boy]

DSM, are you halucinating, I never released part two!

Anyways, i Am workin on it. It's 6 pages long...so far.

The Baratus stroy is from the dull-witted mind ofa warrior.

The Daedolon story is about his experiances.

The Parias story is about Korax

[dsm]

Hmm, yesterday I dreamt that I was browsing the forums and came across "H*E*X*E*N part two" - I saw the first half of this story, which was pretty interesting.
Oh well, I hope that part two'll be at least as interesting as the 'half part two' in my dream.

[Tek]

I suppose I should put in my two cents.

I don't know if this has been suggested to you before, but you REALLY need to check that spelling of yours. If English isn't your first language, that's understandable, but all the spelling and grammatical errors don't help to draw the reader into the story.
Also, this might be a real nitpicky thing but I noticed that a lot of writers use the word "arise" instead of the word "rise," when referring to smoke or other things RISING. This is mildly annoying. I quote from some english book comes to mind: "Never use a ten-dollar word when a two-dollar word is on hand," meaning that you should keep the dialogue as simple as possible without compromising depth. Keep the text simple. Don't use big words that will confuse readers.
Other than that, good work.

[Wildman]

I quote from some english book comes to mind: "Never use a ten-dollar word when a two-dollar word is on hand," meaning that you should keep the dialogue as simple as possible without compromising depth.

I believe Mark Twain said that and I believe he also said, "Say what you mean, not what you don't." After you write for a while you understand what that means. I always work up an outline so I know where my story is going. If I get an idea in the middle I adjust the outline to stay on track.

One book that is a must to read is Strunk & Whites The Elements of Style. I usually keep it in the bathroom and read when when... well you know. :)

So far so good on the story. I can't add anything that hasn't been said already. Look forward to the rest.

[sleepy_boy]

DON'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO!!!!1

[dsm]

DON'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO!!!!1

If I were you ("and I ain't, but if I was" - Farnham, Diablo) I'd be extremely pleased with all those suggestions that you get.
I know that I'd be more than happy to get intelligent suggestions for my own story.
So far, I'll read the suggestions directed at you and keep them in mind.

[Wildman]

DON'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO!!!!1

I guess you don't understand that if the folks here take the time to offer suggestions, that means they are interested in your work. Now it is probably: used to be interested in your work.

I get plenty of criticisms on my work and welcome them all. It is the only way I get better. Sadly, I guess you don't care about that.

[sleepy_boy]

you're supposed to tell me that you love my story, and that I should keep it up.

[dsm]

I do like your story and I find that you have some interesting ideas, but you must understand that we would like to help you to get better. A story can ALWAYS get better.
I mean even wildman, who in my eyes is an insanely good writer, gets critisism and suggestions. And I'm sure that even his stories can get better.

You need to learn to accept critisism - a lot of people get criticized everyday.

And I DO want you to keep it up and see how you'll pull this story off.

On another note: I'm sorry sleepy, but your last two remarks just broke the bit of respect I was slowly beginning to gain towards you from reading your story.

/Me relocates sleepy_boy to a few notches below his former position on my "poupularity rating" list

[sleepy_boy]

You have a popularity scale?

Anyways, this story is just a short, breif, clumsy jock's look at korax taking over. My next story will make this one look like a Richard Scarry book.

It will have:


•Daedolon's point of veiw.

•LOTS of detail.

•Daedolon's relationship with a pre-korax Heresiarch.

•magic, without going "Harry Potter" style.

•A strong freindship between Daedolon and Menelkir.

The third story, Paria's, will be very differnt from the other two, but that won't come for another month or so.

[dsm]

You have a popularity scale?

As a matter of fact, yes I've got it riiight here

45. DooMBoy
46. sleepy_boy
47. rancid-radio

Anyways, this story is just a short, breif, clumsy jock's look at korax taking over. My next story will make this one look like a Richard Scarry book.

Looking forward to reading it. If it really does turn out to be an improvement, then I'll probably relocate you in positive direction on my list.

[Liam]

You have a popularity scale?

Anyways, this story is just a short, breif, clumsy jock's look at korax taking over.

It should definetly have the 'I' perspective instead of the 'you' perspective then.

My next story will make this one look like a Richard Scarry book.

It will have:

•Daedolon's point of veiw.

•LOTS of detail.

•Daedolon's relationship with a pre-korax Heresiarch.

•magic, without going "Harry Potter" style.

•A strong freindship between Daedolon and Menelkir.

The third story, Paria's, will be very differnt from the other two, but that won't come for another month or so.

Who's Richard Scarry?

Anywho, I look forward to part two. There are a lot of interesting twists... I always envisioned Zedek, Traductus, and Menelkir as simply clones, rather than former masters of the heroes.

[Tek]

I've 3 points to make:

1) Hey, Liam, thanks for the title of that Mark Twain book! My English teacher has it in her room and I read right through that sucker, but I forgot the title. I might go get that book you mentioned. Thanks!

2)Sleepy, you really should take some of these suggestions to heart. Never think that you're such a good writer that you can't take any advice. There's always room for improvement.

3)Popularity scale, eh? I'd like to know my position on it!

[Liam]

1) Hey, Liam, thanks for the title of that Mark Twain book! My English teacher has it in her room and I read right through that sucker, but I forgot the title. I might go get that book you mentioned. Thanks!

I don't recall giving you the title of a Mark Twain book.

[sleepy_boy]

Who's Richard Scarry?

One of the greatest writers of all time.

[dsm]

1) Hey, Liam, thanks for the title of that Mark Twain book! My English teacher has it in her room and I read right through that sucker, but I forgot the title. I might go get that book you mentioned. Thanks!

Um, actually it was wildman who gave you that book title.

3)Popularity scale, eh? I'd like to know my position on it!

Ok, I originally intended to use my list to warn people on these boards that I found one of their posts idiotic and stupid.
But I can allow myself to show people's positions on some occasions.

8. Tek

Congratulations Tek, you're one of the people who hasn't posted anything really stupid while I was looking :-)

[Tek]

Well, I DID mess up on that whole Mark Twain thing (/me blushes).
Anyway, thank you WILDMAN, not Liam, for the book title. I went out and got it yesterday.

[dsm]

Well, you haven't posted anything offending or slightly insulting.
An example of the kind of stuff that makes me relocate people in negative direction is sleepy_boy's post above:

DON'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO!!!!1

Now this can kinda hurt people's feelings a bit, if they take their time to come up with suggestions and only get shit like this thrown back in their face.

Your mistake, Tek, could easily have happened to everyone else - I have actually comitted a similar error once.

[DooMBoy]

Baratus: 'Tis mine duty to slay this great evil named Korax.
Parias: This beast shalt not destroy this great land!
Daedalon: Mine heart tells me that this demon will not rule
these lands forever!

[Wildman]

Well, you haven't posted anything offending or slightly insulting.

Ok, I have to ask. Where am I on the list? :)