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Hellbent

Bloodlands

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My friend Kracov doesn't think his writing has an audience. Doesn't think people are interested in his ideas. Here is something he wrote recently. Your feedback is appreciated.

BLOODLANDS

I AM LOST AND SICKENED
DISORIENTED BY THIS BLEAK ENVIRONMENT
HOW I CAME TO BE HERE ESCAPES MY MEMORY
THIS IS A DESERT, DEEP SCARLET GRAINS
STRETCH THE HORIZON AND THE SICKLY BROWN SKY
GALE FORCE WINDS PEPPER MY FACE
THE SAND TASTES FOUL, THE SAND TASTES LIKE BLOOD

SAVAGELY CRUEL, BARREN EXPANSE, THE ATMOSPHERE, A CAUSTIC FOG
EVERY BREATH REMINDS ME OF PAIN
DUST OF DRIED BLOOD FILLING MY LUNGS
ON THE HORIZON I SEE A CHASM, A DISTANT PULSE BEGINS TO BEAT

SUDDENLY A FLASH, SPECTER OF THE PAST
VISION OF MASS MURDER, TORRENTS OF BLOOD

THE VISION QUICKLY ENDS, THE WASTELAND STILL BECKONS
PLODDING TOWARD THE CHASM
I HEAR RUSHING LIQUID

MY MIND CANNOT CONCEIVE, THE MASSACRE I BEHOLD
AN INFINITE RIVER OF CADAVERS, BUOYANT IN THEIR OWN BLOOD
VERTIGO ENGULFS MY BRAIN AS MY BODY FALLS AND DROPS

A MILLION CORPSES STARING
STRAINING TO SURVIVE, LIMBS FLAILING IN THE BLOOD
GRAPPLE WITH HEADLESS BODIES
HANDS OF THE DEAD ARE PULLING ME DOWNWARD
DROWNING IN THIS RIVER
INTESTINES ARE ALIVE, LIKE TENTACLES THEY CHOKE
SITUATION HOPELESS
I SUBMIT TO THE FURY OF THE RIVER

PARALYZED WITH TERROR
THOUSANDS OF THEIR THOUGHTS ARE ENTERING MY MIND
CONSCIOUS ON THEIR LEVEL.

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Woah...thats like a whole new style of writing. Like poetic novelization. Or something. I dunno, Jack Keruwac probably did something like this back in the 50s.

Very cool though.

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Hmmm. Kory Clarke he is not. Kinda interesting though.

Playing wild the dying children
From the gutter they spawn
A life created with indignation
Pride and seek or pause
Pig city oil creation
Over sex dose
The junk machine crawls
Missing is the laughter
From the death bus
While the eternal human war rages on
Can - You - Believe
How - Little - You - Care?
The friendly face of the empire leader
Conquest of style
Ego hate
Walk amongst the ancient dogs
While the violent kill the decline state
Have you eaten today?
I am glad
Your digestion is the sorrow of the hungry
So tired of rejection and stupidity?
Cut away to gray man
Isolation room
A crowd gathers
Fade to riot
As the Führer screams deliverance
The claws the predatory corporation dig deep into the naive religion culture
Acceptance-blind-virtue
Their reason taunts the absurd
The beggar
He feeds the anger
As you burn sorrow's last word
Pain create the answer holy
Learn the lesson passion learned
Hate the teachers oh so saintly
I kiss the pyre as it burned
Our need goes on
But we feel nothing
All emotion kills with no remorseful death blow from Jesus
Only you can turn the key to unlock the tortured riches inside your soul
And find the reason we live
Like some sort of God rejection
Place the blame on heads that turn
You watch the dagger rip through masses
As wheat and grain and corn
Dry into a hatred reality
Screaming into a vengeful pit -PITIFUL SCREAM
The heart goes forward hating
Wanting life that cannot be obtained
Justice seeker
Pray for vengeance
The purest life is marred and stained
I want the world to heal
I want the world to love
But it cannot
4 more years
4 more years
4 more years
4 more years
4 more years

-Kory Clarke

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Hm, I'm not used to comment on lyrics, but I will say this:
It'd be easier to read if it wasn't all capped.

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Woah...thats like a whole new style of writing. Like poetic novelization. Or something. I dunno, Jack Keruwac probably did something like this back in the 50s.

Very cool though.

It's called freeverse, plain an' simple.

There are one or two tortologies, and if I had a criticism it's that it constantly bombards using language rather than literary construct, such as metaphor. I realise the attempt was to simulate what is actually happening to the narrator, but always remember a poem is as much about what it DOESN'T say as what it does. Economy and holding back are crucial to a poem's effectiveness, as are it's physical appearance on screen. Study Blake for an excellent example.

There is promise, just keep practising, and try and follow a unified stanza pattern. It will force you into becoming a better writer, and then when you have mastered form you can write truly great free or blankverse.

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