h*e*x*e*n: part two

[sleepy_boy]

At long last, I give you...

Daedolon's story

25 Years ago...

The bell of the Arcanum had rung 5 times now, and by the twelvth, the gates would close, and you would be left to fend for yourself tonight. Runnng now, you see the guards ahead preparing to close the massive pewter gates...

"Oof!"

Curses! You've tripped on your new robes. The bell strikes 10. Quickly, you brush off some dirt and get up.

RRRIP..."aarruugghh!"

Now you've done it, your dark green apprentace robes are ripped down the side, covered in mud, and the bell has struck 12, the guards have locked the gates with a huge padlock.

"Wait! Let me in!"

"Sorry, son." the cheif looks behind him. "We have our orders from the Inner Council. Besides, there's no way you could show up in the Great Hall wearing those rags and expect dinner, huh?"

You make a running start towards the gates. Their made of pewter, so climbing them should be a breeze. their about 5 feet away now, so you speed up. Four feet now, your legs are getting tired. 3 and a half feet, 3, and three quarters...you're running like a cheetah, but the gates won't get closer! you stop running, and finaly realize the truth.

"They're enchanted" a raspy voice behind you yells.

Spinning around, you see a man, probably in his thirtys or fortys, in a blue robe with peircing blue eyes, chuckling at you. He has short, black hair, with a streak of silver running through it.

"You arn't the first young man i've seen try to pass the Gates of Infinity. Even Zedek the Great, while tracking down a tratior, could not get within a foot of the gates."

"How do they work?" you ask the man.

"The Great Lock in the middle is made with an unholy Disk of Repultion. " His raspy voice proclaims. "But it is late now, and Serpents are about this time of year. Follow me!"

He leads you to a spot in the yellow stone wall about 5 yards away, and chants. "Ash Nazg Durbatulûk!" The wall pushes itself away from the middle, and a ring of grey stone apears, with red flames inside. To your amazement, the man steps in, and isn't burnt. "Well, don't you want to get in the building, sonny?" Quickly, you step into the fire.

When your eyes open, you're in a warm castle tower with the man. "Allow me to introduce myself. I am Menelkir." You nearly faint. This is the very same man who gave you and the other hundered new wizards a welcomeing speech this very morning! The very same man who defeated Circe the Orc! Founder and head mage of the Arcanum. "Yes, I know, you're Daedolon, son of Dolon the Blacksmith, from Prime City. You sat in the 3rd row from the back at the welcomeing speech. You went here to rebel from your father.”

"How did you..." You gasp.

"My boy, when you're Menelkir the Mage, you know these things! Enough talk, Sit down and feast with me, since your robes are ripped and dirty, you would shame your meal group." You feel a push at your chest, and fall down onto a large, scaley chair.

After a bottle of some of Crono's best wine, a whole marinated swine, and fresh peaches, Menelkir takes you aside, and brings you to his large spell desk. It is oak, very old, and has a pentagram carved deep in the centre. Arranged on it are a pair of leather boots that seam to blur in front of your eyes, a golden icon of a pig, a floating castle figurine, and a granite urn with a golden ankh on it. “Here, take one object for the year.” His raspy voice says. Choosing carefully, you take the boots. “Ahh...the Boots of Speed...they will make any being that wears them run like the wind. Use them well.” The man quickly turns around, and finally says “Oh, and don’t wake up the rest of your sleeping group when you arrive.” Puzzled by these words, you turn around and head for the exit, when it strikes you...

You’re already in your sleeping chamber.



5 years later.

Another dull day learning the history of Cronos. Your teacher, a wizard by the name of Caladyer, has been rattling on about some godforsaken swamp somewhere. Suddenly, two Cheif Mages enter the room and ask for your name. Caladyer sends you with them, and they talk.

“Menelkir the Grand wishes to speak to you.” is all they say. Following them, with the surprised looks of your study triad behind you, they lead you to a pair of thick doors. “Only you can go past.” they say. and you enter.

Menelkir, with 5 servents around him, is sitting upon a huge crystal throne, wearing his thick, blue robes. “Ahh...Daedolon, come here, my boy!” his voice much less raspier then that dinner years ago. “You wished to see me sir?” you ask him.

“No, no, no, lad. Fate has called you here, I am nothing more than her peon. You see, I have seen into the future, and, although cloudy, I see great things of you. Come, you are to be my Apprentence!” Amazed by this news, you feel light headed and dizzy.
“Here, lad. I shall show you wonders you had never thought to see.”

Suddenly, a large man with short red hair and a beard runs in, carying a staff with a sphere of Mystic Fire inlaid in a pewter skull. “My lord!” the new man cries, as he bows before Menelkir. “I have found it.” “Ahh..good..very good Bachalorius! Allow me to introduce you two.” Menelkir says. “Daedolon, meet Bachalorius, my greatest student yet. Bach, meet Daedolon, a student I have forseen great things for in the future.” “Indeed...” the sly looking wizard hisses out the side of his mouth.

All three of you are now in Menelkir’s tower workshop. “This, my boy, is the Bloodscurge of which the legend of the mage speaks! It is the most dangerous weapon in the land, and must be broken, and placed in the Places of Protection. This is a job for me and you, lad.” and you quickly find yourself on a jounrey you won’t soon forget.

After entering the Teleportal, you arrive in a blur of mystic fire at the Hypostyle, the centre for arts, law, and strength in Cronos. It’s surprisingly empty today. It has 5 areas, the Central Forum, the Well of Fire in the west, the Pillars of Justice in the east, the Bridge of Rapture in the south, and the Stage of Muses in the north. Menelkir places the middle section of the Bloodscourge in one of the rooms, and enters another teleportal.

Now you two are in a high tower, looking out over a lush orchard. Menelkir steps out onto a grey platform, and you join him as it slowly sinks to the orchard level. A man in a war helmet and mages cape greets you.

“Menelkir! what a surprise”

“It is good to see you too, Tradacus, we realy should meet more oftin...unfortuanatly I bring ill tidings, we have come here to give you a relic unsafe in my men’s hands.”

“Good Lord, The Bloodscourge! surely you cn’t expect me to use it! Tis unholy!”

“No, no, old friend, just hide it somewhere. My future visions have seen a great evil to swallow this land, and more Chaos serpents are arrisng...”

“So I have noticed. I shall keep your relic safe. May you travel safley, Menelkir, and your friend too!”

The resting place of the last segment was in the hands of the Gatekeepers of the 7 portals. Wise men who guarded the locks that held this dimention apart from the other ones.


10 years later...

“My lord, arn’t you being a bit hasty about this?” Daedolon finaly cried out.

Menelkir had been roaming about the room all night. He could tell there was somthing strange about these two new wizards from The Void. they both rode Chaos Serpents, had deep red cloaks, and had no faces, only glowing green eyes. They had arrived 3 days ago, in one of the church’s chapels. The next day they had gone on to Prime City, to speek tto the leaders, Zedek the Great, leader of the Leigon, Tradacus, the Grand Patriarch and Menelkir the Mage. It had been said that the older one of the two left right before the meeting, and that the leaders were all “changed” after the meating. Each had taken an aide with them to the meeting, and Menelkir had taken Bachalorius. Both had returned much different from when they first left; darker and more quiet.

Menelkir had summoned both Bach and Daedolon to his tower tonight. A great blue fire was roaring in the center pit, and he had seemed to have emptied almost all the bottles in a hurry.

“Not now, Daedolon. We must prepare. this “Korax”, as he calls himself, whishes to have the both of you as his aides. Bach, you go first. Walk into the Fire.”

Bach, a man who would never in a thousand lifetimes question the Head Mage’s orders, jumped in.

The screams were incredible.

Seconds later, he calmly steped out. When he walked in, he had been wearing a coppery cloak, now in was black as a raven. his beard seemed to have grown...but what realy caught Daedolon’s eye was the scaly red scorpions tail and lizard-like claws he posesed. This was no longer the Bachalorius Daedolon remembered.

“Now you, lad...”

[Liam]

I'll be honest : I was expecting a bit more after how much you talked about this story being much better than part one. Still, I approve for the most part.

The problems? The most obvious is the spelling and grammar errors. If they aren't typos, then use Word or something else with a spellchecker to make sure your story is gramatically correct.

I might be annoyingly persistent about this, but I really think the stories should be read as a spectator and not the main character (use "I" instead of "you").

Think of it this way... if Daedalon says

"I feel this way about this"

Then it's easier to react to his opinions and actions as a reader, and it's easier to imagine Daedalon as a unique character. If the story reads...

"You feel this way about this"

Then you're giving the reader his/her opinion and that aspect of fun in reading is gone.

Your characters are very bland and very predictable. Daedalon just seems to walk around and follow orders. I don't know exactly why Daedalon makes the what little decisions he makes, or what his opinion or viewpoint on his situation is. I believe I should know this, since because of the way you tell the story, I am Daedalon.

Third off, I noticed a lot of the story ideas are disconnected. Where does Daedalon use the boots of speed? Why does Menelkir give Traductus the Bloodscourge (why couldn't he do it)?

There are a few things I'll congratulate you on though. For example: as I've said, I always thought of Zedek, Menelkir, and Traductus as 'clones'. Giving a history of them as the masters of the heroes is interesting (Circe was an orc? Cool).

[dsm]

Very good!
Though I see a few spelling mistakes.
I have one piece of advice for you, please don't be disheartened by it.
I think your story lacks a little detail to things, e.g. the bloodscourge. I would like it if you described how it looks.

Other than that: I enjoyed the story, keep it up.

One last thing: You better behave. I'd hate to see you banned before finishing this story.

[EllipsusD]

Very good. This is something that I actually enjoyed reading. My only suggestion, however, would be to take more care in your spelling and capitalization. Otherwaise, keep up the good work.

[dsm]

Hey sleepy, maybe you should release a revised, improved version of your H*E*X*E*N story where you correct some of all the small problems in the story once you've written all chapters.
I plan to do something like that when I've released all the chapters of "Doom - Evil Unleashed".

Oh, and just to encourage you: I'm looking forward to reading part three :-)

[sleepy_boy]

you inspired me to do that earlier, dsm.

sorry about the speeling mistakes, i'm using Appleworks, and spellcheck doesn't know fantasy words.

[Liam]

you inspired me to do that earlier, dsm.

sorry about the speeling mistakes, i'm using Appleworks, and spellcheck doesn't know fantasy words.

"Speeling" mistakes indeed.

More often than not it was grammar mistakes. Using 'their' where you should've used 'they're' and whatnot.

[sleepy_boy]

oh boo hoo, nobody's perfect.

i guess it's just my style. It could be worse

[dsm]

you inspired me to do that earlier, dsm.

So when you do this 'revised H*E*X*E*N story' it would be considerate of you to change things like the 1st person/3rd person view - the story would definitely be better with the "I" instead of the "you" as some of the others have pointed out already (I think it's fair enough not to change it yet, as you've already started the story - but changing it in the revised version would be good).

I hope you take some of the advice you get into consideration - your stories are interesting, but they can ALWAYS be better and you WILL get better if you use the advice as guideline for your writing style.

Good luck on writin' the rest of the story :-)

[DooMBoy]

Not a bad story......but what's with all those spelling errors and grammatical mistakes?

[sleepy_boy]

uhh...typos...yeah, that's it.