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Valentine help

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indeed this post is good. it promotes love. love is the answer to all problems

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Remember some for school in the morning

Do you sleep on your stomach? If not, can I?

Is your last name Gillette, because you're the best a man can get.

Fuck me if I'm wrong but you want to sleep with me...

You remind me of a spanner! [Why?] Because everytime I see you my nuts tighten.

Inheriting eighty million quid doesn't mean much when you have a weak heart.

I have a twelve inch tongue and can breathe through my ears.

Would you be my love buffet? So I can lay you out on the table and take what I want.

Hey babe, nice legs, what time do they open?

Hi, I'm a hurdle, wanna jump me?

I'm gonna name one of your legs Christmas and the other one New Year's Day. Can I visit between the holidays?

You're so gorgeous I want every bone in you body, including mine.

I've had quite a bit to drink, and you're beginning to look pretty good.

Would you like Gin and Platonic or do you prefer Scotch and Sofa?

Do you like beef? Well suck this, it's dripping.

You like to chew gum? Cop hold of this - it's wriggly.

Treat me like a tent and put me up for the night.

Do you believe in love at first sight... or do I have to walk by again?

You're ugly, but in an erotic kinda way.

Glad to see me, or shall I get the mop?

You look like someone with taste. How about tasting me.

If you think I'm fat now just wait until I've eaten you!

I'd give you a piece of my mind, but I have more of something else.

If I told you that you remind me of my mom, would you tuck me in bed tonight?

Playing doctor is for kids! Let's play gynaecologist...

How's the cock in your life? Do you want some?

Are you free tonight, or will it cost me?

Your ass is as firm as a basketball. Mind if I dribble on it?

I like maths. You want to go to my room, add the bed, subtract your clothes, divide your legs and multiply?

Hi my name's Big Dave, and I'm mighty tall as well.

Do you know the difference between a hamburger and a blow job? No! D'ya wanna do lunch!

That suit looks good on you, but it would look better on my bedroom floor.

Fingers or toys?

You're ugly, but you interest me.

If you are what you eat, I could be you by morning.

Excuse me, do you mind if I stare at you for a minute? I want to remember your face for my dreams.

I'm not going to kiss you, otherwise I will get tooth decay, you are much too sweet!

I'm a pilot. Can I see your cockpit?

I'm on fire. Can I run through your sprinkler?

Hi, I've lost my virginity, can I have yours

I'd look good on you.

You're what God was thinking of when he said, "let there be woman".

I'm a taxidermist. I stuff beaver and pussy.

Hey baby, what's your sign? Mine's "Slippery When Wet".

Was your father a thief? Cause someone stole the stars from the sky and put them in your eyes.

Why don't you come over here, sit on my lap and we'll talk about the first thing that pops up!

Hi, I make more money than you can spend.

It's not gonna suck itself!

I saw your picture in the dictionary today...next to the word 'beautiful'

Have you entered a beauty contest and they have said 'sorry no professionals'?

My name is Pinocchio, sit on my face and I'll tell you a lie.

I would like to rearrange the alphabet, and put U and I together.

You know, you look a lot like my next girlfriend.

My name is Dave, but you can call me anything at all. Just call me.

I'm a stud muffin baby, why don't you take a bite?

Somebody call the cops 'cause it's got to be illegal to look that good.

There's a gap in your life! Mind if I fill it!

Please fondle my buttocks!

If we were squirrels could I bust a nut in your hole?

That shirt is very becoming of you, of course, if I were that shirt I would be coming on you too.

I'm not Jesus, but the size of my cock is a miracle.

You look like someone with taste. Want to recommend a colour for my bedroom ceiling?

Is there an airport nearby or is that just my heart taking off?

Was your father a cement layer? Because you're making me hard.

Do you have any raisins? Well then how about a date?

Hi, I'm a qualified breast tester [squeeze], don't mind me, just checkin the produce. Good and firm. I don't usually take my work home, but i'm gonna ake an exception for you.

Wanna play Pearl Harbor? That's where I lay down and you blow the hell out of me.

Hey let's go shag and do the talking later.

'Legs' is the word of the day; lets go outside and spread the word !

Have you ever been to the moon? No? Sit on my rocket and I will take you there, baby.

Save me, I'm drowning in a sea of love!

Hey baby you're so hot I had to turn off my smoke detector.

Do you have any Welsh in you? Would you like some?

[With hands on shoulders] Oh, those are shoulder blades, I thought they were wings.

Girl, how long have you been in the oven, cause I know I feel something rising.

Do you want to see something swell?

I'm just like vitamin C: I do your body good!

Baby, somebody better call God, because he's missing an angel!

Hey, little girl, how 'bout a quick game of hide the weasal?

Hey baby, I must be a light switch 'cause every time I see you, you turn me on!

Put your lip on my zip.

Excuse me but do you have a life jacket? Why? Because I'm drowning in your eyes!

I'm looking for treasure; can I look in your chest?

Are you tired? Because you've been running around my mind all day!

Did it hurt? (What). When you fell from heaven!

Do you come here often?

I'm a wrestler and I'd love to take you down any time!

If you want to be rich I have two golden balls!

Here's 10p, ring home and tell your mum that you wont be coming home tonight!

My name's Fred Flintstone and I'm going to make your bedrock!

I'm new in town, can you give me directions to your flat?

Can you catch? I think I'm falling for you.

Honey, you're like Tesco's - open 24 hours a day.

Your dad must have been a king for a day, to have a princess like you!

Is it true things go stiff when they die? Yes! Hell, put your hand down my trousers, I think I'm dying!

Do you need a ride? I'll give you a ride and then I'll take you home.

Is that a ladder in your stocking or a stairway to heaven?

You would look great with 11 more stone on you. Hey, I'm 11 stone!

My tongue's an explorer, and you're my uncharted territory.

You're so beautiful, I can't believe God didn't keep you for himself.

You will be like a broken washing machine when you've seen my tackle, dripping....

My friend over there thinks you're having a bad hair day but I think it's unfair to judge you just by what's on your head.

What time do you have to be back in heaven?

Wouldn't we look cute on a wedding cake together?

Shake the hand that shook Percy's, [point to your dick], now shake Percy.

I've got a gun in my trousers if you lend me those twobullets you have in your bra I'll shoot my load all over you!

Excuse me, but could you give me directions? To where? My heart!

I play the field, and it looks like I just hit a home run with you.

Is there a rainbow, because you're the treasure I've been searching for.

You're so hot than when I look at you I get a tan.

I'm going to have sex with you tonight. You might as well be there for it.

Hello, I'm a thief, and I'm here to steal your heart.

Excuse me, I have spent all evening looking for a sexy girl, could I have your phone number so I can call her?

Quick! Call 999, you just stole my heart!

Is that a keg in your pants, cause I'd like to tap that ass!

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haha, you're all so freaking pitiful

I'm pitiful? Then why are you Zaldron's Lover?

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hooray for fodders. I don't think I've seen the whole list put down before.

Fod, how about a complete list of 'your moma' jokes next? :)

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Yo mamma's so dumb, she thought that a quarterback was a 25c refund.

Yo mamma's so fat, she uses the highway for a slip-and-slide.

Yo mamma's so poor that when I asked what you were having for dinner, she got on the table spread her legs, and said 'crabs'.

Yo mamma's so poor that when I stepped on the skateboard in your front yard, she yelled 'Hey get off the family car!'

Yo mamma's so poor that when I walked in the front door, I walked out into the back yard.

Yo mamma's so fat that when she crossed the street and got hit by five cars she yelled 'Hey, who's throwing rocks?'

Yo mamma's so fat that she has other less fat people orbiting around her.

Yo mamma's so fat that when she was born, the doctor thought he was delivering the Goodyear Blimp.

Yo mamma's so old that she went to school riding a dinosaur.

Yo mamma's so old that Moses is in her freshman yearbook.

Yo mamma's so fat that when she jumped into the ocean, the whales started singing 'We are family.'

Yo parents are so fat, that they hugged and sung 'We are the World'...and weren't lying.

And for the grand finalle...yo mamma's so fat that when she sits around the house, she sits AROUND the house.

Thank you and goodnight.

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