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Doom: My concepts and side stories

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These are my concepts and ideas for what Doom may have been if Tom kept with id, and also fall alongside the Doom story for my Doom RPG. These texts are from short 'documents' i'd writted, and the readme files, and the first chapter of a Doom fan-fic I'd wrote on the Tei Tenga story.

A recorded document the UAC--

Before the invasion struck the facility on Tei Tenga, the UAC also performed many demonstrations on their Terraformer technology.
Located at just the midsection of the Darkside Facilities on the moon, this huge facility, the Terraformer, was erected to literally form the surrounding environment into flat areas of surface area, to begin building
other facilities and Colonies.

This tech was shipped to many locations during its time (2120-2137 AD)
Including some of the less-habitable areas of the Earth's lunar surface,
Mars, among other locations. The only now-standing structure remains on the Tei Tenga moon, located not far from the Command Control area on the surface.

The facilities were powered by two nuclear-powered generators like much of the structural work on the moon. However, the Terraformer is only much like a museum artifact now due to its many years of being unused.
The facility is now home to cobwebs, volatile chemicals, and debris.

The Terraformer, if it was powered today, may serve its same purpose as it did 5+ years ago, but with great difficulty. This structure was the original finder of a small portion of the Anomaly now being studied at Tei Tenga Darkside's pole. An evcavation team later found the other Anomaly at Tei Tenga's Lightside pole, however it was some time after the 'former's findings...



Reports from the UAC-

A Quick Explanation on the Anomalies

These experiments on Tei Tenga began with the old Terraformer project. The machine pounded the landscape around itself into a habitable region of land where man could settle, and eventually begin to put up military stations. What it uncovered during one of its sweeps was far from normal.

Apparently, there was some kind of gateway of unknown origin lying beneath the surface of the moon, and the UAC were the lucky people to uncover it. Anyway, aside from that fact, the gateways were covered with all kinds of symbols of some alien kind.

There were two of these gateways, positioned at both sides of the moon, seemingly at their poles. As the Terraformer units uncovered more of these anomalies, the use for them became almost apparent -- these were dimensional gateways!

We tried in vain to open them at first, as to seek some kind of alien contact. Needless to say, we failed. After that, even more military occupation appeared on the moon's surface. They protected the geniuses in the labs during the uncoverings. Protecting them from what? I didn't know at the time.

I eventually found out quite a few days later, during a strange dream I had. Those gateways were never meant to be open, and I'm afraid it's far too late to warn anybody. They have been opened. May god be with me if I am to survive this.

-Buddy Dacote.

(An Excerpt from "Evil Unleashed", a FanFiction of Doom by Me)

The date is August 15th, 2145. Everything is dark on this side of the planet now. Not even the faintest shred of actual sunlight can pierce the complete darkness that encases this area. The only light that remains comes from the overhead light inside the barracks, where a group of four deal their hands at a game of poker. Fake light, as it is, that brings its artificial warmth and comfort to the room.

The Tei Tenga sector never gets enough sunlight anymore. It has many things it never gets anymore. Most obvious is its lack of light. Another is its lack of fighting action. On other sectors, the air-compressed cities are major hubs of marine action on this desert moon. Mostly just riots and strikes against the UAC. But no wars ever break out. Hell, why is this planet called Tei Tenga in the first place? As far as action around here, there's next to none of it. Murders and attacks are very uncommon, and are rarely seen. Strictly enforced law governs the people who inhabit Tei Tenga, even though not many people occupy the area. Not even on Earth itself are the laws this strict.

As for the crew of four in the barracks, they watch each other silently as they deal hands. Next to the window is Marshall Flynn Taggart. He was shipped to the far side of this planet for one reason only - to serve his prison sentence after assaulting a superior officer. His story is still untold to those around him, and his presence remains a mystery to them.

Buddy Dacote, always a nice character, and a good guy to just about everyone here, sports his famous "BEoS" hat. Everyone around here knows that means that he's at the "Butt End of Space", which of course, that just about defines Tei Tenga. He checks his watch and deals a few more cards.

The girl to the right of his position at the table is Lorelei Chen. She reported here after being promoted and to oversee the recent teleportation experiments that are being conducted here at Tei Tenga. She bears a scar on her arm, after a nasty fall on her post back at Ad-Muli. She is the only one at the table who has a very high expertise at demolitions and explosives, and is a skilled saboteur.

To her left, and opposite Dacote is John Pietrovich. He's got a mouth on him that's as vulgar as Dave Chappelle. Hell, probably twice that, if possible. However, despite his cockiness, he's one of the Union's best marines. He alone survived an invasion by an alien force still unknown to anyone but him, which led people to believe that he was fooling around about the Predator conspiracy.

Now the dealer, and the beefiest one in the bunch, is Dimitri was supposed to be in the Witness Protection Program a few years back after his wife was murdered by a crazed UAC Protester, who claimed he was responsible for the death of his family, who were apparently killed by Union marines under his command. But even with this clinging to him, he still has his name publicized. He deals several hands and they all bet their credits.

"Wait. I'm out. I have to go on shift." Says Dacote.

"Pay up or die, Buddy." says Pietrovich.

"I'll pay you when I get back from shift Pietro. I have a few credits stored away." He says back. He then puts on his jacket and exits the room.

Pietrovich looks behind him and yells to Flynn: "Hey! Taggart! Get yer green armored ass over here and deal yer hand, now!", in which Flynn's response was the usual flicking of the bird. He walks to the other side of the room anyway, and huddles down next to the table where Dacote sat.

A smile stretches across Flynn's face. He rubs the few cards in his hand between his fingers. Lorelei catches his eye and knows immediately what's about to happen.

"Damn it, Flynn. Not again! That the fifth time!" She exclaims.

Dmitri hears her, and looks directly at Flynn. He gets the same look. Flynn looks like he just killed a guy and enjoyed it. The only thing that gets killed is Sarge's conscious friend, Luck. He feels this and lays his cards down as well. He moans and puts his face between his hands. A drop of sweat forms on his head. He folded, just like his cards, easily as that.

However, John's feeling lucky. He speaks up and eyes his own cards in his hand.

"What is it this time, Taggart? Another set of aces?" He asks, with a grimace on his face.

Flynn still retains his constant, murderous grin. This really pisses off John. He's in no mood to lose. And if he loses again, he's out another case of beer for the week. His hand shakes furiously, as he makes his next decision.

"Well. That's really great, now isn't it? You have your little set of cards. And I have..." He cuts off and shows his cards. Everyone isn't really surprised, but it's a good hand. A couple of aces usually beat the best, and that's what he has. He chuckles as he feels his victory coming on. His chuckling stops, however, when Flynn finally speaks up.

"How could you feel so foolishly lucky, when you just lost out on another case of Millers?" He speaks, as he lays his cards out. A Royal Flush. Too good to be true, yet it was. Flynn just won another case of beer, 200 credits from Lorelei, and a shiny new PDA from Dimitri.

"HOW? you had those up your sleeve! How could I lose again?" Yells John.

Flynn laughs and says: "Simply because I had the better hand again, dumbass!" Now this sets off John, and he reaches across the table for Flynn's shirt. Long story short, a fight broke out, and it took the two of Lorelei and Dimitri to hold John back from tearing out Flynn's throat. The fighting stops, however, when screams break through the uproar.

"What the Hell?" says Dimitri, being a man of few words.

Banging sounds come from the hallways. The team of four load their sidearms, and heads out to the hallway, where a dark scene fills the area...

And so ends Chapter 1 of Evil Unleashed. This is the part where the game officially begins in the Alphas, in my game, Doom RPG: Evil Unleashed, and in this story. I'll post more of the story when I get some inspiration!

End of Chapter One

Tell me what you think of these. Are they good? are they stupid? Are they both in their own way? Tell me, man.

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Well you came a long way from the last fic you posted. Still got a way to go as a writer, but I had a much easier time sitting through this. Your dialogue is definitely better and your journal entry actually tries to read like a journal entry, and even though both can be a lot better, they're definite improvements from last time.

TheSpazztikOne said:

A Short story involving the UAC

This segment is not a short story: it's background info a supporting character or narrator might offhandedly mention. It's also got lots of redundancies and words that really aren't needed.

The other two segments need a lot of work: some lines don't make sense ("The fihting stops, however, when screams break the silence." -- was it a quiet fight?) and there are bad word choices throughout ("The team of four picks up what they were carrying alongside them as far as weapons" -- isn't that a wordy way of saying "they drew their sidearms"?).

But that's all basic cleanup and whatnot. Mainly they suffer from telling without showing: endless summary details about the mars colonies and brief dossiers of the characters, instead of metaphors, anecdotes, speech mannerisms, and other concrete details that'd make me more invested in the setting and characters. You gotta establish the setting in a way that makes me really see and feel and taste it. And if the characters are doing something -- even playing a card game, or sitting bored out of their asses in the security office -- I need to give a shit about it. Ideally you'd establish normal life on mars for the main cast, and do it in a way that makes me interested when the paranormal shit comes and turns it upside-down.

EDIT: And sometimes too little detail leaves the reader confused. I read the line "But no wars ever break out." and was sort of startled. Are there really enough colonies on mars that a war might break out? Is each colony based on a nation of origin? Is there tension going on between the colonies? Is that why riots are breaking out? Wouldn't constant riots sort of constitute as urban warfare? I never know the answers to any of these questions: the best I get is that laws in Tei Tenga are so strict, and the populace so small, that it's not getting the same action as the other sectors. From there I go to a card game that takes forever and goes nowhere.

The ideas themselves aren't bad...they're just bland, really. It'd be cool to see someone do a fic based on the Doom Bible, but it has to be done in a way that makes me want to read it. Read more fiction in the genres you're going for to see how they do it. Usually helps. And proofread more: when you finish writing a paragraph, proofread it. When you finish a scene, proofread it. When you finish a chapter, proofread it. Then, on the following day, proofread the last chapter you finished before starting a new one. Only way you'll catch mistakes or bad word choices is by constantly looking for them.

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