How should I help my friend?

[Blastfrog]

I have a friend who is in a bit of a situation, and I want to help him, but don't really know what to do.

He's 18, but his over-controlling mother signed something that extended her legal guardianship over him into adulthood, and he doesn't consent to it. The reason she was able to do this is because of his diagnoses of Aspergers, claiming that he is unable to take care of himself, even though he actually is.

From what I can gather, she's generally been a very controlling person to everything in her life, and doesn't want to let control of her son go.

He doesn't consent to being considered a minor past the age of majority, but as his friend, I don't know what I could do to help him break this legal bond.

How can I help him get out of this situation?

[Technician]

I don't think there is a lot you can do. I assume he was tested to see how functional he is before his mother could intervene. Maybe she wants control of his social assistance.

I'm going out on limb, but I can I assume the mother is divorced and religious? Just curious.

[Grazza]

Sounds like he might need to find a lawyer, or you could assist by finding one for him.

Many lawyers will offer a free initial consultation, and don't charge a vast fortune for their services, especially if they think they would actually be doing some good by helping. If a lawyer thinks that it is an open-and-shut case, then maybe he could just put a brief legal opinion in writing (for a relatively modest fee), and this would be enough to have the desired effect.

[Blastfrog]

Technician said:

I don't think there is a lot you can do. I assume he was tested to see how functional he is before his mother could intervene. Maybe she wants control of his social assistance.

I just asked him, and he said that he was never tested. Don't know if she wants control of his social assistance, but I do know that she wants control over every aspect of his life, including blocking communication to his friends that she doesn't like (I've been a messenger for him to attempt to alleviate that).

Technician said:

I'm going out on limb, but I can I assume the mother is divorced and religious? Just curious.

Don't know about the religious part, but if she is, it's subtle enough that I haven't noticed, and she is married (her being the dominant one, again, shows how controlling she is).

[fraggle]

It depends where he lives and what the law says, so to that extent he perhaps needs to consult a lawyer.

The best advice I can offer is that if he finds it unacceptable he needs to confront his mother about it and tell her. If he won't stand up for himself then it seems like a moot point, because then he certainly won't do anything about it. Chances are she probably thinks she's doing what's best for her son and perhaps might be finding it difficult to accept that he's becoming an independent adult and is no longer a child.

[Technician]

How low-functioning can people with Aspergers be? Anyone I've encountered with it just seemed somewhat socially awkward.

[Mr. T]

Lawyer up -- better call Saul

[chungy]

Technician said:

How low-functioning can people with Aspergers be? Anyone I've encountered with it just seemed somewhat socially awkward.

I'm willing to bet all of them were self-diagnosed and have no real disorders.

[stewboy]

There were two people with Aspergers or something similar in my year at high school and I was terrified of both of them.

[DoomUK]

Technician said:

How low-functioning can people with Aspergers be? Anyone I've encountered with it just seemed somewhat socially awkward.

I guess it varies from person to person, but I had a friend with Aspergers who couldn't hold down a job thanks to it. His outbursts and insistence on doing things a certain way presented incompatibility issues with his boss(es). I don't think it's fair that someone with Aspergers is robbed of their independence, but if they can't work then they can't support themselves financially which might be concerning to a parent, or give leverage to a parent who is overly controlling by nature.

[Maes]

stewboy said:

There were two people with Aspergers or something similar in my year at high school and I was terrified of both of them.

Yeah, living with Assburgers syndrome is terrible

[Phobus]

I was diagnosed with Asperger's at around the age of 10 or 11 and I'm now in a £20k per year job (working with computers, naturally) 11 years later, with a First Class BSc in Computer Games Software Development to my name. I'd dare say this sort of thing is also the case for the majority of people with this condition. I think getting some sort of legal thing to show the mother is being unreasonable would be easy and sensible.

Failing that... well, she can't control his life if she's dead :P

[Blastfrog]

Although he's kinda quirky, he's rather normal, and if you weren't told that he has it, you wouldn't have guessed it.

Still, as much as I want to help him, I don't want to get too tied up into another family's drama, so I'll find a lawyer for him to talk to, and leave it at that. Thanks for the advice.

[Stygian]

I have Asperger's syndrome and I have straight marks in college as a computer engineering major, but it greatly affects my ability to communicate and have relationships with others. I was not diagnosed until I was 19 years of age and for most of my life, people mistook me for merely being shy and reticent. Autism is on a spectrum and its symptoms and their severity vary pretty dramatically.

Sometimes aspies have difficulty with self-care, but it sounds like your friend is high-functioning if he is able to mask as "neurotypical". My mother was always overly-protective of me and I think I am more socially anxious because of this. Clingy, controlling parents probably exacerbate the social difficulty to which aspies are predisposed. Your friend would probably be better off living on his own. What convinced her that he can't care for himself?