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Hellbent

From the Onion. For Esco :-)

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[God Finally Gives Shout-Out Back To All His Niggaz]

SOUTH BRONX, NY—The Lord Almighty finally responded to nearly two decades of praise in hip-hop album liner notes Monday, when He gave a shout-out back to all His loyal niggaz

"Right about now, I want to send a shout-out to each and every nigga who's shown Me love through the years," said the Lord, His booming voice descending from Heaven. "I got mad love for each and every one of you niggaz. Y'all real niggaz out there, you know who you are. Y'all was there for me, and it's about time I'm-a give some love back to God's true crew."

"All y'all niggaz, y'all be My niggaz," the Lord added.

As of press time, God has thanked nearly 7,000 of His niggaz, including those in New York's Bad Boy and Ruff Ryders posses, the No Limit soldiers and Cash Money Millionaires holdin' it down in New Orleans, Nelly and the whole St. Lunatics crew, Busta and the rest of the Flipmode Squad, His peeps from back in the day, and all the real ruffneck niggaz in lockdown. He also sent shout-outs to everybody in the Old School, as well as to Lil' Bow Wow and all the other new niggaz just coming up.

amwreck1: [Death Star to Open Day Care Center]

After months of speculation, it was confirmed yesterday that the Death Star, the Empire's vaunted, planet-destroying space station, has added a new, state-of-the-art day care center to its already vast array of capabilities. The massive four-room day care center, which, according to Grand Moff Tarkin, will "provide a safe and fun learning environment for tots between the ages of one and four," has already begun spring enrollment and is expected to be fully operational by June 1.
The new Sunshine Death Star Play and Learning Center provides battle station parents with a fun and safe environment for their children. The Imperial Emperor himself has overseen games of Duck Duck Goose encouraging the tots to "feel the hatred."

"Nothing can stop the Sunshine Death Star Play and Learning Center," the Imperial Emperor said via holograph. "With its four classrooms, outdoor playground and experienced staff of licensed day care professionals, no other facility can match its awesome instructive power."

Though still several weeks away from full strength, the Sunshine Death Star Center is already up and running. Among the most popular activities there are finger-painting, storytime and Duck Duck Goose, which the Emperor often helps lead.

"Feel your hatred flow through you," he told 3-year-old Jenny Bates, as she energetically chased fellow toddler and "goose" Michael Phillips around the outside of the circle. "Give in to your hatred!"

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IMJack said:

"Wait... you knew Jesus?..."

"Know 'im!?!? Nigga owes me twelve bucks!!!"


Dogma rules!

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Insomniac said:

yeah, dogma was great.

Heh, I think my cousin was in Dogma. One of those skateboarding dudes who beats up God with a hockey stick or something...I dunno, I never saw it.

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bigbadgangsta said:

Heh, Toby thinks Linguica looks like Lars Ulrich...

Last time I saw a pic of Lars Ulrich he had long hair (might've been an old pic - dunno, I'm not all that interested in Metallica), so I have a hard time picturing Ling as Lars Ulrich.

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