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God, I was recently told one of the best jokes I've ever heard.

This takes place in WW2.

An american soldier is captured by the Japanese. He begs for them not to kill them, and they agree to give him once chance.
There are 3 huts. one has 6 bottles of Vodka in it, and he must drink them all in 10 minutes.
The next hut has a Tiger with a sore tooth. He must go in and remove the tiger's tooth as well.
The third hut contains a woman that has never been sexually satisfied in her entire life. He must go in and satisfy her.

The American agrees, and enters the first hut. He easily downs the vodka in under 10 minutes. He enters the next hut. He is in the hut for about a half hour, the whole time the tiger is screaming bloody murder.
Eventually, the American comes out, his clothes in shreds, and he says:

"okay, where is the chick with the sore tooth?"

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This is the version I heard

Guy walks into a bar, reads about a competition, so he enters.

"ok dude, first thing you gotta do is down this keg" the barkeep says
"Got it" the guy says, then proceeds to down the beer
"whash do I do nest" the man asks, it is easy to see he is drunk as hell
"well, go into that room, there is a mean dog in there, you have to kill him, then after than you gotta go upstairs and have sex with all 3 of the girls up there, they are nasty" so the guy goes into the room, the dog is growling at first then it turns to whimpers, the guy emerges about 20 minutes later and says "so where are these bitches I gotta kill!?"

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I don't get it. Does the man not understand what they tell him to do, or what? Is that supposed to be funny?

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Fredrik said:

I don't get it. Does the man not understand what they tell him to do, or what? Is that supposed to be funny?

HE HAS SEX WITH THE DOG BECAUSE HE IS AN RETARDED

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Come on, that joke was so obvious. Lion howling bloody murder? Oh gee, what could that be? Duh.

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A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her.

She asks him why is he staring and he replies, "I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you.

She answers, 'My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun a long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic too!"

The nun says "OK, pull into the next alley."

He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. "My dear child, said the nun,
why are you crying?"

"Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."

The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a Halloween party."

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When Ralph first noticed that his penis was growing larger and staying erect longer, he was delighted, as was his wife. But after several weeks his penis had grown to nearly twenty inches. Ralph became quite concerned, so he and his wife went to see a prominent urologist.

After an initial examination, the physician explained to the couple that, though rare, Ralph's condition could be cured through corrective surgery.

"How long will Ralph be on crutches?" the wife asked anxiously.

"Crutches? Why would he need crutches?" responded the surprised doctor.

"Well," said the wife coldly, "You ARE planning to lengthen Ralph's legs, aren't you ?"

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A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to an American in an overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives. "Last night I made love to my wife four times," the
Frenchman bragged. "This morning she made me delicious crepes, and she told me how much she adored me."

"Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times," the Italian
responded. "This morning she made me a wonderful omelet and told me she could never love another man."

When the American remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, "And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?"

"Once," he replied. "Only once?" the Italian arrogantly snorted. "And
what did she say to you this morning?"

"Don't stop."

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There was a happily married couple who went golfing one day at the Riviera Country club. As you all might know, there are some very nice houses in that part of town. While on the golf course, the husband said to his wife, " Honey, try not to hit a stray ball and break any windows, we wouldn't want to end up paying someone for a broken window. Houses are very expensive here!"

His wife assured him that she wasn't going to hit any stray balls. Unfortunately, when it came her turn, she hit a stray ball completely off the course, breaking a huge window of the nearby mansion. Her husband cringed in horror, and his wife didn't know what to say. Her husband told her that they would now have to go to the house and ask how much the repairs would cost. So they went over to the enormous house and knocked on the door. They heard a voice from the other side of the door saying, "Come on in". As they entered the house they saw
broken glass everywhere as well as a broken wine bottle. A middle aged man was sitting on a chair in front of them. He asked, "Are you the people that broke the window?"

The husband said yes, they were at fault and asked how much the charges would be. The man replied, "No no, I thank you! You see, I'm a Genie and I've been stuck inside this bottle for over a thousand years, and your golf ball went through the glass, and hit this bottle, freeing me! I would be delighted to grant you 3 wishes. One for each of you, but if you don't mind, may I have the last wish?"

The couple didn't see why not, so they agreed and the husband said, "Okay, I would like to make an extra million dollars a year!"

"No problem sir, you will now make an extra million dollars a year!" said the Genie.

The genie then looked to the man's wife and asked what she would like.

"I would like a house of my own like this in every country!"

"Your wish is my command," said the Genie.

The husband then looked to the genie and asked what he wanted to wish for.

The Genie replied, "Oh, I have been stuck in this bottle for over 1,000 years, and I have not had sex in a long time." He paused and looked at the wife. "My wish would be to sleep with your wife it was okay with you."

The husband thought and looked at his wife and said, "Well honey, usually I would not allow it,but we just got an extra million dollars a year and you got your houses, so I don't see why not."

The wife agreed.

With that the genie took the wife upstairs and completely THRASHED her. He rode her for about 2 hours straight. And when he was done, he rolled off of her and started smoking. He then asked, "How old is your husband?"

"35," the wife replied.

"And he still believes in Genies?"

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An Irishman, an Italian, and a Polish guy are in a bar. They are having a
good time and all agree that the bar is a nice place. Then the Irishman
says, "Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, back in
Dublin, there's a better one. At MacDougal's, you buy a drink, you buy
another drink, and MacDougal himself will buy your third drink!"

The others agree that sounds like a nice place.

Then the Italian says, "Yeah, that's a nice bar, but where I come from, there's a better one. Over in Brooklyn, there's this place, Vinny's. At Vinny's, you buy a drink, Vinny buys you a drink. You buy anudda drink, Vinny buys you anudda drink."

Everyone agrees that sounds like a great bar.

Then the Polish guy says, "You think that's great? Where I come from,
there's this place, Warshowski's. At Warshowski's, they buy you your first drink, they buy you your second drink, they buy you your third drink, and then, they take you in the back and get you laid!"

"Wow!" said the other two. "That's fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?" "No," he replied, "but it happened to my sister!"

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An old man and an old woman are sitting in a nursing home when the old man says, "I bet you can't guess how old I am."

The old woman says, "Okay, unzip your pants."

The old man unzips his pants and the woman sticks here hand in and plays with his noodle for a minute, pulls her hand out and says, "You're 89."

The old man looks at her incredulously and asks, "How did you know that?"

The old woman says, "You told me yesterday!"



Two babies were sat in their cribs, when one baby shouted to the other, "Are you a little girl or a little boy?"
"I don't know," replied the other baby giggling.
"What do you mean, you don't know?" said the first baby.
"I mean I don't know how to tell the difference," was the reply.
"Well, I do," said the first baby chuckling. "I'll climb into your crib and find out."
He carefully maneuvered himself into the other baby's crib, then quickly disappeared beneath the blankets.
After a couple of minutes, he resurfaced with a big grin on his face.
"You're a little girl, and I'm a little boy," he said proudly.
"You're ever so clever," cooed the baby girl, "but how can you tell?"
"It's quite easy really," replied the baby boy, "you've got pink booties and I've got blue ones."



Friday Night Date
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

A girl and a boy are having a relationship of about four months now.
One Friday night they meet at a bar after work. They stay for a few,
then went to get some food at a local restaurant near their respective homes. They eat then go back to his house and she stays
over.

Her story:
He was in an odd mood when I got to the bar, I thought it might have
been because I was a bit late but he didn't say anything much about
it. The conversation was quite slow-going so I thought we should go
off somewhere more intimate so we could talk more privately.

So we went to this restaurant and he's STILL a bit funny and I'm
trying to cheer him up and start to wonder whether it's me or
something else. I ask him, and he says, "No." But you know I'm not
really sure.

Anyway, in the cab back to his house, I say that I love him and he
just puts his arm around me. I don't know what the hell this means
because you know he doesn't say it back or anything. We finally get
back to his place and I'm wondering if he's going to dump me! So I try
to ask him about it, but he just switches on the TV. Reluctantly, I
say I'm going to go to sleep. Then, after about ten minutes, he joins
me and we have sex. But, he still seemed really distracted, so
afterwards I just want to leave. I dunno, I just don't know what he
thinks anymore. I mean, do you think he's met someone else ???

His story:
Shitty day at work, low on funds, and tired. Got laid though.



Yesterday scientists revealed that beer contains small traces
of female hormones. To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them gained weight,
talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, couldn't drive, and refused to apologize when wrong. No further testing is planned.




Three Labrador Retrievers (chocolate, yellow and black colored) are
sitting in the waiting room at the vet's office when they strike up a
conversation.

The black lab turns to the chocolate and says, "So why are you here?"
He replies, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything -- the sofa, the
drapes, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night, when
I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed."

The black lab says, "So what is the vet going to do?"

"Gonna give me Prozac", came the reply from the chocolate lab. "All
the vets are prescribing it. It works for everything."

He then turns to the yellow lab and asks, "Why are you here?"
The yellow lab says, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I crossed the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owner's couch."

"So what are they going to do to you?" the black lab inquired.

"Looks like Prozac for me too", the dejected yellow lab said.

The yellow lab then turns to the black lab and asks what he's at the
vet's office for. "I'm a humper", the black lab says. "I'll hump
anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fire hydrants,
whatever. I want to hump everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had
just gotten out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes
and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and started
humping away."

The yellow and chocolate labs exchange a sad glance and say, "So,
Prozac for you too, huh?"

The black lab says, "No, I'm here to get my nails clipped."



In the men's room at work, the Boss had placed a sign directly above the sink. It had a single word on it -- "Think!"

The next day, when he went to the men's room, he looked at the sign and right below, immediately above the soap dispenser, someone had carefully lettered another sign which read -- "Thoap!"

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NO!



Ok, ok, here....


The Stongest Mouse

Three mice were sitting in a bar talking about how tough they were.

The first mouse drank a shot and said, "I play with mousetraps for fun. I'll run into one on purpose and as it is closing on me, I grab the bar and bench press it twenty or thirty times." With that he drank another shot.

The second mouse drank a shot and said, "That's nothing. I take those
Decon tablets, cut them up and snort them just for the fun of it." With that he drank another shot.

The third mouse drank a shot, got up and walked away.

The first two mice looked at each other, turned to the third mouse and
asked, "Where the hell are you going?"

The third mouse stopped and replied, "I'm going home to screw the cat."

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A husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary.
The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife - As Cold As Ever'."
"Yeah" she replies, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, "'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'"

----------------------------------------------------
A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself that he starts calling his wife "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.
One night they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home, and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well.
He shouts at the top of his voice, 'Shall we go home now Mother of Six?"
His wife, irritated by her husbands lack of discretion shouts back...
"Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!"

----------------------------------------------------------------
A doctor and his wife are having a terrible fight at the breakfast table. The doctor gets up in a rage and walks out yelling, "and you are not any good in bed either" as he storms out of the house.
After some time he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends. He calls his wife and after at least a dozen rings she answers the phone.
Again irritated the doctor says "what took you so long to answer the phone"?
She says, "I was in bed".
"In bed this late in the day, doing what"?
"I was getting a second opinion" she replied.



A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away.
The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who the hell was that?"
"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."
"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce."
"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Infiniti or Lexus in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision
is yours."
Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.
"Who's that woman with Jim?" asks the wife.
"That's his mistress," says her husband.
"Ours is prettier," she replies.

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Two morons are on an overseas flight to Europe. It's a big three-engined plane. Suddenly, the sound of a sputtering engine can be heard.
Over the intercom, the pilot announces that one engine is down and there are two left to keep the plane aloft. However, he adds, they will be about 30 minutes late.
Then, just as suddenly, about 20 minutes later, the second engine gives out. The pilot annouces shakily what everyone else already knows-the second engine has gave out; they will be at least two hours late.
"Gee," says the one moron to his buddy. "What will happen if the last engine goes out?"
"I don't know," says the other moron, looking out the window down at the ocean below," but I think we'll probably be stuck up here all day!!"

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There was a happily married couple who went golfing one day at the Riviera Country club....

[cut to keep this post not so gargantuan]

...With that the genie took the wife upstairs and completely THRASHED her. He rode her for about 2 hours straight. And when he was done, he rolled off of her and started smoking. He then asked, "How old is your husband?"

"35," the wife replied.

"And he still believes in Genies?"


LMAO!

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There is this couple that has hard sex every day. One day the husband dies. So the wife cuts off his [insert word for penis here] and sticks it up on the wall. She then sucks it every night.
The guys at the local bar find out. So they make a hole in the wall where the [insert word for penis here] was put, and they stick their [insert word for penis here] in the wall every night to get sucked. All goes well.
Then one time a black guy sticks his [insert word for penis here] into the hole, and when she goes to suck it, she yells "Ewww its moldy!" and she kicks it across the room.

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There is this couple that has hard sex every day. One day the husband dies. So the wife cuts off his penis and sticks it up on the wall. She then sucks it every night.
The guys at the local bar find out. So they make a hole in the wall where the penis was put, and they stick their penis in the wall every night to get sucked. All goes well.
Then one time a black guy sticks his penis into the hole, and when she goes to suck it, she yells "Ewww its moldy!" and she kicks it across the room.

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A man was going overseas on a business trip for a month. His wife enjoyed sex alot, but she doesn't want to use her hands to masturbate while he's gone because she prefers a hands-free experience. The man goes to an adult store and walks up to the shopkeeper. He explains what his wife wants. The shopkeeper says "I know just the thing she wants. Walk out back with me and I'll show you."
Out in the back room, the shopkeeper pulls a shoebox off a shelf. He lays it on a desk and opens it. The man looks inside and says "That's just an ordinary didlo! She doesn't want to use her hands at all!"
"Oh, that's where you're wrong. This is no ordinary dildo. It is a Voodoo Dildo."
"Voodoo What?"
"Watch, I'll show you." He says "Voodoo Dildo the keyhole in the door!" With that, the dildo jumps up, flys over to the keyhole and rams in and out of it so hard and fast that the keyhole breaks and splinters start to fly from the door. The shopkeeper says "Voodoo Dildo back in the box," and sure enough it flies over to the box and lays down dormant.
The man was very impressed and took it. He explained to his wife how the didlo works and left for his business trip the next day. That night, the wife was trying to get to sleep but couldn't so she decided to try out the dildo. "Voodoo Didlo my pussy," she said and it proceeded to satisfy her. After half an hour she had had more than enough. She was about to tell it to stop when she realised she had forgotten what the command to make it stop was. Panicking, she got in her car and proceeded to speed to the hospital. On the way there, a police officer found her speeding and pulled her over.
The cop came up to the window and said, "I hope there's a good reason for you speeding."
"Yes there is, I have a Voodoo Didlo stuck in my pussy and I need to get to the hospital as quickly as possible to get it out."
The cop scoffed and said, "Voodoo Didlo my ass."

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