Oklahoma Man Killed by Atomic Wedgie

[Kirby]

Oh yes he was.

Atomic Wedgies are the new age weapons people. Who's ready for some school pranks and a dose of DEATH TO THE FACE?

[Doominator2]

Oh god what has this world come to, suffocating a man with his waistband! I wouldn't be too surprised if Oklahoma goes and bans wedgies.

[AndrewB]

I don't care who this offends. That guy gets 1000 points.

[Technician]

Chocked on his own testicles.

[Obsidian]

I'm trying not to laugh, I really am.

[darknation]

this would be an excellent plot for a serial killer movie, or possibly an episode of CSI.

[Snakes]

Well, if you were gonna be killed by a wedgie, it'd better be atomic. That's all I'm saying.

[darknation]

FADE IN:

INT. NICK'S BAKERY NIGHT


DR. FAGGOT and CUNT are kneeling in a dirty, dirty bakery. A MAN lies on floor, his spine practically snapped in half by his own underwear.


DR. FAGGOT
Looks like foul play.

CUNT twangs the knicker elastic behind the MAN's head.

CUNT
Are you saying this is a sex game gone wrong?

DR. FAGGOT
Perhaps. Do we have an ID on the corpse?

CUNT
Yep. His mother sewed his name into the back of his y-fronts. It's Ni...

DR. FAGGOT
Even assuming those ARE his y-fronts. Could be someone else's.

CUNT nods, twangs knicker elastic once again.

CUNT
You mean a double bluff? A transvestite who wears mens' underpants?

DR. FAGGOT
I wouldn't put anything past sick fucks like these.

CUNT begins to play DUELING BANJOES on knicker elastic (jen, check clearance on music rights)

DR. FAGGOT slaps CUNT away and begins to check the body over. A giant, wet pair of BALLS slap down across the body's forehead.

DR. FAGGOT
My God! His balls are hanging down his back like Superman's cape!

CUNT
Better dust them for prints.

CUNT dusts the balls. Fingerprint dust and flour flies everywhere.

DR. FAGGOT
Anything?

CUNT
Everything. A thousand different sets of prints. It looks like everyone in the world was touching his balls at some point.

CUNT takes out a bit of sellotape and removes a single print, feeding it into his CSI FINGERPRINT MACHINE.

DR. FAGGOT
Boy that's realistic.

FINGERPRINT MACHINE BLEEPS.

CUNT
And we have a match! Let's see... fingerprint belongs to... I don't beleive this. According to CSI FINGERPRINT MACHINE, this print belongs to a perp who has been dead for twenty years!

DR. FAGGOT
My God! Again! What sort of demented pervert doesn't wash his balls for twenty years?

CUNT
That's assuming....

DR. FAGGOT nods sagely.

DR. FAGGOT
...that they even ARE his balls...

CAMERA PANS BACK THROUGH WINDOW. SIGN READS "NICK'S BAKERY"

OFF SCREEN NOISES OF EPIC FAPPING THAT LASTS FOR 2 HOURS

FADE TO BLACK

[Cupboard]

If I've seen it once, I've seen it twice. Case closed, motherfucker.

[myk]

Trying to gauge what's worse, these people killing each other, the judicial system talking about an "atomic wedgie" in a murder case, the media posting it as something amusing, or you people getting excited about it.

[BaronOfStuff]

I can't even keep a straight face after reading that headline.

[Du Mhan Yhu]

Well, this certainly was an entertaining read.

Article said:

"grabbed St. Clair's underwear and gave him an 'atomic wedgie.'" It adds that "Davis allegedly pulled the elastic waistband of St. Clair's underwear over his head and around his neck."

Pure gold, I'd love to have a copy of this affidavit.

[Looper]

First, I thought somebody used carbon nanotubes to split someone in half (since you can't really see those strong and ultra thin strings).