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It said "Fan Fic" section...

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... it just didn't mention which kind!

“If the Star Trek TNG Team was on a Bike”

Written by


STAR TREK: On a Bike Draft 3/21/14






Three girls

30-Year-Old Man



Cannondale Bike


Three Small Bikes



PICARD (V.O.): Captain’s log, Stardate 42303.7. Our foray into the Kensington Metropark system has proven to be a successful mission. We have made numerous friendly contacts and several exciting scientific discoveries. Furthermore, our data shows us that many of the geese that once blocked our path and took out our deflector shields are now retreating to their native Canada. With this good news, we have decided to set a new course for the yet-unexplored region near the YMCA quadrant.

Picard makes small talk with WORF, behind him. DATA sits at the front of the Enterprise and GEORDIE takes up the rear. There is no room for Riker or Counselor Troi. They did not come along.

DATA: Captain, your attention is needed at the front.

Picard turns forward.

PICARD: What is it, commander Data?

DATA: I have detected a cloud of debris in our path; however, we still do not have our deflector shields.

PICARD: On screen.

Data ducks to the side, revealing a fallen branch and scraps of bark quickly approaching the bike.

PICARD: Evasive maneuvers.

Camera shakes as crew steers to the side, running over some of the smaller debris. Camera settles.

DATA: All clear.

PICARD: Resume course. Damage report, Mr. Worf.

WORF: Minimal damage, sir, although I am detecting a steady ticking sound.

PICARD: See of you can pinpoint the source.

WORF: Aye, captain.

Worf looks around.

WORF: Sir, there appears to be a small debris fragment lodged between the second crank arm and frame. I believe I can reach it from here.

PICARD: How long will it take you to remove it?

WORF: About two minutes, sir.

PICARD: Begin immediately.

WORF: Aye, captain.

PICARD: I’ll be in my ready room.

DATA: Captain?

PICARD: Never mind that. Earl grey, hot.

Geordie passes up a thermos to the front. Picard sips on his tea while looking over Data’s shoulder at the instruments on the handlebars.

PICARD: There seems to be a minor discrepancy between our GPS data and our visual information.

DATA: It is well within acceptable limits, sir.

PICARD: I see.

Shot fades to head-on view of bike with Worf working on his task. He tosses a scrap of bark to the side and sits up straight.

WORF: Finished, sir.

PICARD: Excellent. What’s our gear?

WORF: We are in third gear, sir.

PICARD: Switch to fourth gear.

WORF: Yes, sir. Data, switch to fourth gear.

DATA: Preparing to change gears. Hold on.

The bike shakes violently. The light goes out.

WORF: Our forward light has malfunctioned.

PICARD: What just happened?

DATA: Change unsuccessful. There appears to be a problem in engineering.

PICARD: What went wrong, Mr. LaForge?

GEORDIE: We’ve been low on lubricant on sublevel one for some time now. If I had to guess, I’d say the mechanism has finally jammed. I’ll have to manually realign the chain.

PICARD: Why weren’t we restocked at the last departure?

GEORDIE: We were, but we just keep running out. I think the oil canister might have a leak.

PICARD: How long will it take you to make the fix?

GEORDIE: Impossible to say. I’ll keep you updated.

PICARD: Make it so.

Data is now facing backwards, peering into the distance through his binoculars.

DATA: Captain, long range sensors detect three vessels commandeered by little girls approaching on an intercept course from behind. I believe it is their intention to overtake us. Time to intercept approximately seven minutes, twenty-three seconds.

PICARD: That cannot be allowed to happen! Maximum thrusters!

DATA: Sir, without our fourth gear, we cannot hope to keep up with them.

PICARD: I see. LaForge, what’s our status with the gear system?

GEORDIE: It’ll take me a heck of a lot more time than seven minutes to solve this one, captain. That much is certain.

PICARD: I want you and your team working round the clock until you get us in fourth gear. That’s an order.

GEORDIE: Aye captain!

PICARD: In the meantime, Mr. Worf, divert all power towards main thrusters.

WORF: Aye, sir.

Worf pedals furiously.

DATA: Sir, I am detecting a stranded vessel dead ahead. I can detect no life forms aboard. It appears derelict.

PICARD: On screen.

Data ducks to the side and the view is of a bright green bicycle propped against a tree, a chain locking it in place.

PICARD: What’s its position?

DATA: Approximately one point two nine femto-parsecs, bearing three-zero at one-four degrees.

PICARD: How long until we reach it?

DATA: Twenty seconds, sir.

PICARD: Pull up alongside her. I’m sending an away team consisting of Mr. Data and Mr. LaForge to investigate. Mr. Worf, keep an eye out on those girls.

WORF: Aye, sir.

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Geordie and Data dismount after the bike comes to a stop and make their way towards the green bike. Geordie examines the frame while Data crouches next to the rear wheel.

GEORDIE: We’ve arrived at the vessel. It appears to be of Cannondale manufacture. I have no idea what it’s doing out in this sector.

PICARD: Can you make out a model number or owner identification?

GEORDIE: There’s nothing.

DATA: Captain, if I may, this technology is remarkably similar to our own. If my measurements are correct, we should be able to replace the mechanism from our own vessel with that of this one.

PICARD: I don’t like it. We have no idea why this vessel was abandoned or what its technology could do to our ship.

GEORDIE: Captain, it looks to me like we don’t have much of a choice. We can’t afford to get caught riding around outside of Federation pathways without a fourth gear. We’d be sitting ducks.

PICARD: Very well. Can you complete the transfer quickly?

GEORDIE: Very quickly. I’ve done stuff like this before. I’m going to need Data’s help, though.

Geordie and Data get to work as the scene fades to black. When it fades in again, everyone is moving back to their stations, ready to move out.

GEORDIE: That should just about wrap her up, cap’n. We can get moving again when you say the word.

PICARD: Good work. Mr. Worf, how much time do we have until those three girls get to our position?

WORF: Less than thirty seconds, sir.

PICARD: All right, then we’ve got no time to lose. Commander Data, I want you to-

DATA: Sorry captain, but I am detecting a fourth life form quickly approaching our craft from the direction of the derelict vessel. He appears aggravated.

A 30-YEAR-OLD-MAN jogs toward the Enterprise. The old gear mechanism from the Enterprise, as well as the gear levers and cables, lay strewn about on the grass. The obvious owner of the green bike, he indeed appears aggravated.

30-YEAR-OLD MAN: Hey, what the fuck, man? What the hell did you guys just do to my bike?

PICARD: Data, lay in a course for the YMCA quadrant.

Data types faster than the human eye can see into the GPS unit in front of him.

DATA: Done, sir.

WORF: Thrusters ready.

Picard extends his arm toward the sky and lowers his index finger to the horizon.

PICARD: Engage.

The Enterprise lurches into motion just as the three girls on bikes and the 30-year-old man converge on their position.

DATA: Second gear… third gear…

The man has not given up pursuing them, but it is apparent he will lose the chase. The three girls, however, are still approaching fast.

PICARD: (To self, with a slightly anxious expression apparent in the wrinkles around his eyes) Now, let’s see just how good this new equipment is.

DATA: Changing to fourth gear.

The bike slides smoothly into fourth, and the trees and shrubs become a green blur as the bike speeds ahead, leaving the three girls in the Enterprise’s dust. A relieved sigh emanates from the crew as they realize they are safe. The shot switches to a bird’s perspective from behind and above the craft, making its way quickly towards the YMCA quadrant.

PICARD (V.O.): Captain’s log, supplementary. Despite a few minor hitches that occurred on our trip to the YMCA quadrant we find ourselves once again underway, and we expect to arrive before four o’ clock. Let’s just hope that we haven’t made any new enemies for the Federation. Picard out.


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you know, i was skeptical at first. but seriously imagining the whole scene made me die laughing.

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forgive me for bumping this thread, but goddamn is it worth a bump. This thing is brilliant, well written, creative, imaginative and inventive. You Sir have a career in sketch comedy!

Again I apologize for the bump.

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