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Insomniak

a quick story

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This has nothing to do with Doom Squared. It takes place in
E2M7

...It's also my first attempt at wriing with more than one player.


Andrew looked back. The baron had fallen,but that looming red mouth was still chasing him. It opened its mouth to fire another one of those balls of static electricity. Andrew knew he couldn't risk too much strafing and dodging here; the whole landing platform was cracking and slowly being pitted with coolent from the leaking tanks. The Cacodemon was now one foot away, but wasn't attacking. Instead, it was just hovering and grinning wickedly. There wasn't any time to spare; Andrew grabbed his shotgun and rammed it into the bastard's eye....

Fred heard the demonic yell of pain echo between the huge tanks in front of him. They were at least twenty feet tall and ten feet wide. At the tops of them the letters UAC and the triangle logo had been stamped on. This wasn't what he was supposed to be doing. He wasn't a soldier, he was a metalworker goddamn it! He was supposed to be back at the Refinery, repairing the walls in the storage room. He sighed; if he was going to be here, he might as well do his job. The tanks had been loosly MIG'ed, so he might be able to open one with a crowbar...

Cathy felt the surge course through her body. Why would these brilliant scientists rig up the hallway floors to conduct the electricity? Why had the wires been pulled out of the walls at the yellow doors? Recovering, she sat down in this new room and tried to relax. No sooner than she had closed her eyes, the gurgleing sounds on imps came from the window next to her. It showed her a closed off coolent piping room that was behind a huge steel door. The room she was in, however, had small drawers on all the walls. Perhaps they were files, she thought, and decided to open them...

Danial listened for where the scream had come from. It was the scream of someone discovering a fresh corpse and not being prepared. The thick metal door had finally closed, and now it was just him and the bodies. The huge computer core was surrounded by a small trench contining powerful fans designed to blow away any impurities, but at the four corners there were bridges between the room and the core. Quickly, he walked across and plugged his datalink cable into the huge supercomputer...

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Interesting, but a few flaws:

He was supposed to be back at the Refinery, repairing the walls in the storage room. He sighed; if he was going to be here, he might as well do his job

Uhh, if I were a worker and all Hell broke loose around me I wouldn't go around sighing like that - I would be fucking panicked beyond recognition, and I wouldn't be worried about "doing my job" either, I would likely have forgotten everything about my job and just fight to survive.

Another thing: I'm not to fond of how you just shift between characters' point of view without some sort of clear connectors or clear indicators that you shift the PoW (the ... isn't enough if you ask me).
The reader needs more info - who are these people? Are they fighting the demons seperately or in a group?
Personally, I got rather confused when I read it at first, but I seem to have understood now that the story tells of the adventures of four seperate people (each of them is alone) in different areas of the same building complex (e2m7).

But apart from the confusion I'd say that it isn't so bad, just a pity that the story is so short.

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Umm, not at first and I'm not sure about them now. Andrew and Fred seem familiar maybe Danial too... but Cathy?
The closest I can link Cathy to is Katarhyne but ummm, that doesn't seem right.

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