Insomniak Posted May 14, 2002 Doom Squared Part 5: AFTER-ACTION REPORT ...The deamon just stood there, its golden eyes reflecting the dim light in this powerhouse. I could barely grab onto the raised bridge with my gloved hands. Something warm dripped onto my face, and I realized that it was the deamon's saliva coming from his opening jaws. I couldn't risk it, having my head bitten off by one of these hellish brutes, so I released my grip, and slid to the bottom. It hadn't expected me to teleport up to the 2nd story again, so it was caught off guard. I made a running start, and lunged at it with my chainsaw. It got its forehead sliced straight down the middle, but I hadn't made the jump. The chiansaw also took out a couple of the battery acid boxes on the bridge. the coppery liquid spewed all over my vest, eating away at my arms and my green fiberglass-like armour. I ran back to the teleporter, and headed over the bridge to the exit. I abandoned the armour in the small green room behind me, and took out some of those blue flaskes from my pack. I grasped the neck firmly, and shattered it over my wound, as the instructions said to. The shards of the bottle evaporated in to thin air, and the cold liquid inside flowed over the burns, cooling and healing them. There was the thick smell of alchohol, but it soon went away... I was suprised at how quiet this tunnel was. My ears were still ringing from the constant loud buzz from the power plant. Damn, I needed new boots from my "walk" in the caustic acid back their, hoping I could find some along the way. The smell of ionized air was going away, but the smell of garbage was getting stronger... finally, after about a mile of walking in a damp tunnel with melted boots, I had arrived at the old 2033 Chicago Internal Landfill, one of the few things from this city that had made it into the "disasters" section of almost every record book. The idea was that they'd build a huge, underground complex, slowly fill all the rooms with trash, and then close off the huge, underground tunnels. Little did the builders know how this would affect the enviroment. Now that I was here, I would have to navigate my way through tunnels that were 50 feet deep, but piled with 40 feet of sewage and solid waste... 0 Share this post Link to post
dsm Posted May 14, 2002 Read my stories, dammit! I'm afraid this wont help - it might as well have the exact opposite effect. Anyways, I think you have just released one of the best parts of Doom Squared - there were some nice ideas there, so well done on that :-) One thing though: You need to explain why the Doomguy suddenly teleports up to 2nd story - you write that he lets go and falls down and then *zap!* you write that he teleports to a different location. Maybe you should've written something like: "Suddenly a green flash erupted before my eyes and to my surprise - and to the surprise of the demon too, I found myself teleported up to 2nd story". And then there's the debate about "daemon or demon" - some of the guys on these forums claim that a daemon is different from a demon. I don't know what this difference is and I really don't care about it, but I warn you that someone *might* complain about this small detail. 0 Share this post Link to post
Insomniak Posted May 15, 2002 dsm said:I'm afraid this wont help - it might as well have the exact opposite effect. yeah, I was high when I put that up. I'll get rid of it. Anyways, I think you have just released one of the best parts of Doom Squared - there were some nice ideas there, so well done on that :-) Thanks! :P One thing though: You need to explain why the Doomguy suddenly teleports up to 2nd story - you write that he lets go and falls down and then *zap!* you write that he teleports to a different location. Uh, all the teleporters on the ground level in that room go up to the 2nd story... And then there's the debate about "daemon or demon"... A daemon is for computers, a deamon is pink, muscular and has a huge head. A demon is something that come from hell... 0 Share this post Link to post
dsm Posted May 15, 2002 Insomniac said: Uh, all the teleporters on the ground level in that room go up to the 2nd story... Yeah, yeah, but my point was that you need to describe that bit a little more thoroughly to keep the reader's attention.A daemon is for computers, a deamon is pink, muscular and has a huge head. A demon is something that come from hell... Funny, in the game it's called a demon and comes from Hell. 0 Share this post Link to post
pritch Posted May 16, 2002 there's no such word as deamon! I like this little series quite well, it's not brilliantly written but it's good enough and there's a lot of imagination in the mix. I'm glad we still have you on-side, sleepy boy. fiberglass-like horrible, horrible phrase. Avoid -like phrases wherever possible unless they form a duosylabbic sound (cat-like) 0 Share this post Link to post
dsm Posted May 16, 2002 quote: -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- fiberglass-like -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- horrible, horrible phrase. Avoid -like phrases wherever possible unless they form a duosylabbic sound (cat-like) Hmm, I'll have to take a mental note on this one - I have done quite few such phrases in my more recent chapters. That's one more thing to improve on when I get as far as to post the "special edition" of my story. And about the "non-existent" word 'daemon': It might not exist in Britain, but I've seen it written too often to dismiss it as "non-existent" non-correct - I saw it in Warcraft I (Warlocks summon 'daemons') and I've seen it discussed in the Doom 3 forum long ago. So I wouldn't be so hasty to dismiss it as an "incorrect" term. 0 Share this post Link to post
