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[MIDI] Saint Alfonzo's Speedmidis 2015

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In the Abyssal Speedmapping Sessions there is a clause known as The Alfonzo Treatment, coined when a lazy patron saint of Portuguese smelt fishermen found himself knee-deep in the mapping process with no way out for miles. This isn't about map design, of course — it's about MIDIs — but the tension and toiling under the watchful eye of the timekeeper is just as big a bother in any other area of creativity, and when you're as slow as I am (read: a wet week), well... quality starts to dip a little.

Here are 50 MIDIs that I composed this year alongside Jimmy and Jmickle (and occasionally by my lonesome), both of whom have released their works here: https://www.doomworld.com/vb/wads-mods/71406-music-30in30-1-3/ — https://www.doomworld.com/vb/wads-mods/75017-midi-jmickle66666666s-midi-pack-two-the-second-one/. 30 minutes went into each MIDI, unless otherwise stated. Consider these overdrives the musical Alfonzo Treatment equivalent, if you like. I have provided notes along with each listed track so as to paint myself a more sympathetic figure before anyone has a chance to slag off this excremental sound reel of a midi pack.


>> Download <<

L = Loops
C = Complete

001 [L / -] (01:15) Shithouse (Letting It All Hang Out) - Didn't intend for it to sound all Heretic-like, it just wound up that way I guess.
Fairly rubbish; avoid.

002 [L / -] (01:02) Pistons of No - No. Messy and rambling, and not much of a break either.

003 [- / -] (01:35) Eddie Marsan Calms Down - So named because I'd just finished watching Happy-Go-Lucky. Cool film; cool-ish track
(if somewhat plain).

004 [- / -] (01:10) Ant Farm for Brendt - Hangs around a bit and is content in not evolving. Not much chop, but I think I was pleased with
 the sound at the time.

005 [- / -] (01:05) Monkey Bomb - Voice oohs! Oddball! Passable. Might scrub up on it.

006 [L / -] (01:28) Yeah, Pizza Cake! - Has absolutely no idea what it wants to be. Ending has worth, maybe.

007 [L / -] (01:04) Taiko Bile - Questionable, Mesopotamian-sounding track. The first in a long line of intros that don't go anywhere.

008 [L / -] (01:07} Declan - The definitive track that doesn't go anywhere.

009 [L / C] (00:40) Do Not Enter - Failed genuine track turned Daggerfall intermission.

010 [L / C] (01:45} Dinner on Pluto - 45 mins. Somewhat catchy? Made partly on-call with Jimmy while he attempted to talk
 me through my speedmidi process.

011 [L / -] (00:59) Croissant, No Success - I ate a croissant in an attempt to boost my musical stock. No dice. Good start though!

012 [L / C] (01:10) Streets In Revolt - remix of the City Streets by R. Prince. More than a bit dull.

013 [L / -] (01:10) Abbott Fingers - Tony Abbott attempts to destroy the Great Barrier Reef. He fails... just like this MIDI.

014 [- / -] (01:03) Hammond Inferno - As the title describes. At some point the drums went horribly, horribly wrong and I
failed to notice before upload. Thus, avoid.

015 [L / -] (01:02) Glock On and Win - What the bloody hell was I doing for 30 minutes?

016 [L / -] (01:15) Doglead - back half is okay! Groovy. A nothing break section but I'm pleased enough with how it wound up,
relatively speaking.

017 [- / -] (01:13) Paddywhack - A more coherent Pizza. Picks up toward the end a bit but topples like a sack of potatoes for the loop.
018 [- / -] (01:05) Honourable Loss - Buggered harmonies and a frankly disinteresting melody. Avoid++

019 [- / -] (01:08) Patronized in Soho - A bit messily mixed, especially after the break, but otherwise passable.
I have never been to Soho.

020 [- / -] (01:29) The Tyranny is Real - Not bad, but some dud harmonies and it needs fleshing out. Bass drop is flawed.
Okay, the whole track is a bit flawed.

021 [- / -] (01:21) Digital Bitchslap - What's up with those poly synths? A bit basic when it sets in. You deserve better, title.

022 [L / -] (01:00) Farmhaus - Heh. Passable for what it is, I guess. Needs to be longer, like everything else in this midi pack.

023 [L / -] (00:54) Brain Tumour Carousel - I... shouldn't like this. It's disjointed and dissonant. All the same, I find myself
attracted to this failed mouldy outting.

024 [- / -] (01:16) Mr. Mo - Inspired by my Mr. Men mug, Mr. Movember. He's a cutie. One of my better ones!?

025 [- / -] (01:01) Spirit of the Bitch - Inspired by... no one at all! Don't worry! This track ends before it reaches any sort of stride.

026 [- / -] (00:56) Bad Imperative - Stumbled upon the 5 measure sequence completely by accident. The result is interesting, but it's
by no means a successful track. Racking up the < 1 minute MIDIs, here!

027 [- / -] (00:54) Desert Island Brainfart - It's a Desert Island Brainfart. It's a fun bit of garbage.

028 [L / C] (01:13) Wet Lunch - Not awful. Electronic beats in combination with harpsichord and jazz guitar makes for something new.

029 [L / -] (01:12) Master Faster - Main riff has potential. Back half is closer to the sound I was searching for over the
30 minute period. Might expand!

030 [L / C] (01:45) Crib Death :( - Aims low and hits the target square on the chest. Perfectly acceptable for what it is,
but could do with more soft pads and mixing. I guess I wanted a breather. PS. pls check on your baby.

031 [L / C] (01:33) The Rats of Parliament - Aside from the repetition and the woeful percussion in transition (haha!), this isn't too shabby
for a speedmidi with my name on it. Would subject to the ears of friends and loved ones.

032 [L / -] (01:04) It Was Fun While It Blasted - As is often the case, it takes until after the break for the refrain to sound
somewhat appealing. Even so, it's a bit by-the-numbers. Move along.

033 [- / -] (00:47) Pol Pot Kettle Black - Haha, Declan 2.0!

034 [L / -] (01:02) Pen Fifteen (Days of Youth) - Disasterous.

035 [L / -] (01:59) Call Doctor Birch, 0-800 - Wow, almost 2 minutes! Way to go, slow poke. I deemed this track good enough to
upgrade into a full MIDI, albeit still short. Map15 of AD_79's 50 Monsters, ahoy.

036 [L / -] (01:08) Diagram - Placed too much weight on the clarinet/guitar overlap, which sounded much better in one of the
Adventures of Square tracks I'm sitting on at the moment. Forgettable at the expense of being bad.

037 [- / -] (01:16) Drug Shuttle - Picture an evil drug lord piloting his evil spacecraft into Earthen spacespace (it's like airspace
but in space). That's what I pictured for this MIDI and this is how it turned out. Okay!

038 [L / C] (01:45) Ballad of Cold Egg - The sequel to Croissant. This time I make an omelette but accidentally let it go cold. Boring track.

039 [- / -] (00:56) Lewis - A BTSX-inspired riff that goes jack-shit-nowhere.

040 [L / C] (01:40) Shirtfront and Immigration - Might even qualify as a doom track proper. Woah! No direct source of inspiration
other than in the name (Abbott claiming he was going to "shirtfront" Vladimir Putin over the flight MH17 debacle), but I'm told by Jimmy
that it sounds like Shaw's doing. Thanks!

041 [L / C] (01:28) Some o' That (Guilt Tofu) - 45 mins. An almost-successful swing rocker! If you used this in a Doom map
I probably wouldn't be embarrassed.

042 [L / C] (01:59) Pirate Hooker Hoedown - 1 hour. Doesn't qualify as a speedmidi but I'm putting it in here anyway.
Could have broken up the melody a bit more but for a couple of listens this should only be mildly irritating.

043 [L / C] (01:09) Jon deLoop - Not the name of a suburb in Perth. Reasonable rock MIDI.

044 [- / -] (00:44) Generico - Really bad. I named the track Generico before I even got going. That probably wasn't very smart.

045 [- / -] (01:09) Inadequate Beach - Well there's not much to it but as an atmospheric piece I guess it's probably worth the effort.
D-. That's a pass!

046 [L / -] (01:12) Thrash Compactor - This is better. The vibe falls apart at the end but it does enough before then that I
can't be too displeased. Would extend, no regrets.

047 [L / C] (01:31) Jesus Sandals - Pipe-dweller track with a weakly exotic flavour. Not bad!

048 [L / C] (01:31) Low Fire - Another atmospheric number, with a really damp squib of a beat. The break in the middle might have had potential
if I'd worked with it some more. Escaping from my vault of bad habits is fast becoming a difficult task, however.

049 [L / C] (01:37) Guerrilla Tech - 45 mins. Some ambitious modulations here, by my lofty standards. Give yourself a little pat on the back!

050 [L / C] (02:04) Smokestack - 1 hour. Made this morning. I decided to buck the trend and deliberatley give myself a bit
of extra time for the closer, so don't read too much into that theatrical-release-like running time.
Loosely inspired by some of essel's album work. Reasonable; might expand.

1) You are welcome to use any of these MIDIs as you see fit, if for some reason you find any of them usable. Good luck with that.
2) You are welcome to ask me to expand upon an existing midi or rescue it from the pit of ineptitude.
3) Sorry, Time doesn't do refunds.


Edited by Alfonzo : Surprisingly relevant in 2017

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You forgot Skittles and Bits :)))))

For real I'll give all of these a listen, I can assure there's some great stuff in here. I used Shirtfront in my second ASS23 map - fits like a gem. (?)

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