Strife intro

[Naked Snake]

Since Strife is a Doom engine game, it has a place here ^_^

"GET IN THERE!" the guard yelled, shoving Jarik into the sewage regulation room. Jarik stumbled and fell to the cold hard floor, his blond hair getting in his blue eyes. He stood up only to be kicked by the guard. "Go sit on that crate, you scum!" the guard ordered. Jarik wondered if he should try to kill this guy. Jarik then realized that not only was he unarmed but that the guard had an Assult Gun. Jarik did as he was told and went to sit on the crate. The guard went over to the window to look out. Jarik glanced around the room, looking for a weapon, when he noticed something shiny sticking out from underneath the crate he was sitting on. He carefully slid it out, making sure that the guard didn't notice. He held it up to his face and saw what it was. It was a Punch Dagger! He slid it on his fist and fell to the ground, both hands under his stomach.
"UGH, I think I'm sick" Jarik moaned. The guard went over to Jarik, probably to abuse him. When the guard was close enough, Jarik jumped up and thrust the sharp dagger into the throat of the guard. The guard didn't even get a shot off as he fell to the floor, fruitlessly clutching his gushing neck. Jarik made sure the guard was dead before he left the sewage regulation room...

A single guard stood at the door, his back turned. Jarik pulled the man inside and stabbed his head. Jarik dropped the corpse and left the room, peering out the door to make sure no guard were coming. He stalked down the pathway when he heard the alarm shrilly buzz.
"Quick, get in here!" a voice commanded. Jarik quickly jumped into the room.
"Hide behind here." a man said as the wall behind him slid up. Jarik raced into the secret passage and waited in the room as the door shut. A few minutes later Jarik heard voices.
"You! Did you see anything?!" a voice asked.
"Yeah, I saw a strang looking fellow head towards town" the man replied, the same one that told him to hide.
"What did he look like?" the voice inqueried.
"Well, he had no hair, and he was wearing peasant clothing" the man responded.
"Allright men, move out!" the voice commanded. A few moments later the wall slid up and the man looked at Jarik.
"Thanks man, I owe you one! You just saved my ass" Jarik said to the man.
"Now that you are indebted to me, I need a favor." the man said, his eyes gazing into Jarik's. "My friends and I, uh, need somebody, shall we say, silenced? His name is Beldin and he is being held in the Order's "sanctuary". Get in there and kill him. He wears a gold ring, bring that back to me as proof!" the man spoke sharply.
"What's in it for me?" Jarik questioned.
"Other than me not sounding the alarms? 50 gold for the ring and much more if you decide to join me and my friends" he replied.
"Ok, I'll get him, but I'm gonna need something better than a Punch Dagger if I'm going to rush the Sanctuary, Mr. uh?" Jarik said.
"Rowan" the man replied "Here is a Crossbow. It should give you that extra edge. Remeber, these bolts are electric, so they DO make noise when you shoot them. You get 50 gold when you return with the ring" Rowan said.
"Got it" Jarik replied, cradling the Crossbow. Jarik set out for the Sanctuary, little did he know, he was setting out on his, and mankind's itself, destiny...

[dsm]

I've only tried the demo of Strife, but this story is clearly not true to the little story there was in the demo (please don't interpret this as a negative comment - it's just an observation).
I guess you're "modifying" the story and using your imagination here.

Anyway, on to the real constructive criticism.

I think a prologue of some sorts would be nice. Firstly, I want to know more about the backstory to Strife and why Jarik is where he is in the first place. Secondly, I'd like to know a little more about our hero (Jarik) before you just "throw us straight into the fray".

Another thing is: I'd like you to describe the guards and other characters a bit more thoroughly (even a small description like "The heavily armoured guard" would improve the story drastically, though I'd prefer something more detailed than that).

Otherwise: Interesting, interesting. If you continue the story, It'd be interesting for me since I don't know much about the Strife universe.

[CacodemonLeader]

The fanfic is based on the Registered Version of Strife.

[Spike]

Ok, my only major criticism follows...

While you're doing well in adding some conversational 'oomph' to this story, you're neglecting to describe the emotions of the main character. Even if only to say that he's not bothered, whatever, it'd help if you added such texts to flesh out the character. This might sound cheesy, but by showing people what motivates this guy, and how his mind works, gets people interested in the character - thus, they come back to see what happens to him cuz they're interested in *him*, not just the story.

10 pence worth ends : here.

[Naked Snake]

Spike : you mean this?

[Spike]

Yeah, that's more like it. It helps to show most semi-main character's thoughts/emotions etc, but as long as u focus on the main fella, you're on the right track.

[dsm]

CacodemonLeader said:

The fanfic is based on the Registered Version of Strife.

And the registered version of Strife obviously has a different (albeit remotely similar) story to the demo?
Funny, last I tried a demo with story-driven gameplay, the demo proved to be exactly the same as the registered version in terms of story.
Oh well, guess it's different with Strife.

[Naked Snake]

dsm said:

And the registered version of Strife obviously has a different (albeit remotely similar) story to the demo?
Funny, last I tried a demo with story-driven gameplay, the demo proved to be exactly the same as the registered version in terms of story.
Oh well, guess it's different with Strife.

The demo has nothing to do with the actual game. The story of the demo has nothing to do with the real story of Strife.

[Tek]

You spelled Assault wrong.

[Spike]

bigbadgangsta said:

The demo has nothing to do with the actual game. The story of the demo has nothing to do with the real story of Strife.

That's a contradiction in terms, isn't it?