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Nuke Doomworld!

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I just found this story I wrote last summer as a... response to a website which was created to basically badmouth Doomworld. It probably won't make sense to a lot of you but I figured I'd share it with everyone.

[Fade to a shot of E1M1. Covaro, and Linguica are sitting at computer terminals, writing their Doomworld updates
for the day.]

Linguica: So, what should we do today? Graft? Corrupt? Slander?
Covaro: Nah, how about libel?
Linguica: Cool, we haven't smeared anyone in a while.

[Mordeth appears on a giant video screen in the wall]

Mordeth: Hey guys, have you heard of some brat named Looney2ner?
Covaro: Who?
Mordeth: Well, apparently he's started a "Nuke Doomworld" ring to bring us down.
Linguica: Really? Let's see it!

[A website appears on the terminals in front of Linguica and Covaro]

>Why Nuke Doomworld you ask?

Covaro: The question which has plagued mankind from the beginning of time...

>Well if you have a doom site on the net today, chances are good you know why!

Mordeth: Well, that narrows down the list a bit.
Linguica: And even if we don't know why, I feel like I'm about to learn.

>But, for all those out there that may not understand, Doomworld is one of the bigger sites on the net for
>doom and doom 2 news, If you are, and I quote "Good Enough" to be posted! : p

Covaro: Unless you're not "good enough," in which case it's actually one of the smaller sites.
Linguica: <Looney2ner> How dare they only post "relevant" news! Or host "good" sites! Or
respond to "coherent" e-mails!

>(Its more like if you bow down and kiss there stinking feet!) We are the sites that Doomworld in their
>quest to be the biggest refuse to even acknowledge!

Linguica: We are the few... the proud...
Covaro: ...the mentally disabled.

>Doomworld has lost site of what their web site is all about!

Mordeth: To promote Looney Tune Doom?


Linguica: Except for Wolfenstein 3-D.

>Hell it was the first of its kind

Covaro: Except for Wolfenstein 3-D.

>And don't write me and say Wolfenstine was,

All: *ahem*

>Who do you think made it! :^) It was the Doom prototype by id software.

Covaro: <Carmack> Hey guys, let's make a game called Doom set in outer-space military bases and Hell.
Linguica: <Romero> Cool! We'll make a prototype set in Nazi Germany!

>So Doomworld here's your wake-up call! You have made allot of GOOD doomers mad by the way you
>ignore our emails, not posting our news to the doom community, .....

Mordeth: <GOOD doomer> i sent domworld news of my new level, its WOW.WAD, its great, IM THE NOMBER 1

>etc. Asking you to check out our sites, and not even a "that stinks" out of you.

Linguica: Oh, you really want one?

>Listing only your cliquey friends and continually ignore the main group that keeps your site alive
>by taking the time to post you on our sites!

Mordeth: Yeah, I was wondering where all our hits came from.
Linguica: I bet you didn't know that the Looney Tune Doom link page was actually the main Doom
portal on the internet.

>Why can't you take a few minutes and even email a wad maker that has done this for you!

Covaro: I'll tell you what you can do for me...
Mordeth: "Go." "Away."

>I spent over a year of hard work on my wad it shows!

Linguica: It shows how sad your existence must be, if that's what you mean.

>It is the ONLY WAD like it on the net!

All: Oh thank God.

>and do you think you could take the time to say it looks good, needs some work but it is funny,
>hell you couldn't even do that for a one-of-kind wad, that's pitiful.

Linguica: It's pitiful? I think he's finally beginning to understand!
Covaro: I think he was talking about Doomworld, not his WAD.

>You cry and whimper because no one is supporting your site,

Mordeth: Except for those two thousand visitors a day, but besides them, no one is supporting us!

>(I have posted them inside these pages) DUH I wonder why! : p
>I know I was willing to sign up, and they were the ones that didn't care to remember that
>they ask for people to sign up! DUH If you don't want us to sign up DON'T F#$KEN >ASK US

Covaro: Is it possible to have a seizure while typing?
Mordeth: I think his grammar and spelling would actually improve.

>And then whimper that no one supports it, Thats a Joke! just like doomworld reputation of being a
>DOOM NEWS site, You want us to take owr time to tell you our news but you always have failed the doomers
>by not posting it!

Covaro: Except for those four-hundred-odd days when we *did* post news, but forget about those.

>WHY EVEN ASK IF YOU DON'T WANT TO KNOW! DUH do you think we spend all our time writing you with updates
>just to be snubed! why should we link to you, support your site with links and News, submit our pics,
>and our wads if YOU DON'T CARE!

Linguica: Hey, I have a bright idea! Don't!

>Why even have the site up if YOU DON'T GIVE A SHIT! I personaly have emaild Doomworld 5 times,
>3times to announce my wad, and twice to tell them THEY SUCK!

Mordeth: <Looney2ner> YOU GUYS SUCK! Anyways, my looney tune WAD is out, please announce it.

>Doomworld didn't have the balls to answer those! here was the last email I sent them!

All: Uh oh...
[An email appears on the computer screens]

>Subject: Fair Warning

Linguica: As opposed to those "unfair warnings."

>Date: Thu, 10 Jun 1999 12:56:08 -0400
>From: Kent Carson <ltdgrafex@ltdgrafex.com>
>Organization: LTD Team Grafex

Covaro: Does he mean "Graphics?"
Linguica: Nah, he's what you call an independant speller.
Mordeth: Maybe "LTD" is supposed to be "LSD."

>To: covaro@doomworld.com
>Well Covaro,
>I will be starting a Nuke Doomworld Ring and site this weekend,

Covaro: <Looney2ner> Please post this news. Thank you.

>Let me tell you why, I,

Mordeth: Sigh,
Linguica: And fly,
Covaro: In the sky,
Linguica: Then die.
[All pause for a moment of silence]

>like so many other Doomers looked to Doomworld for what is going on, and you people
>did have an informative site, But, you have failed to recognize the vary people you
>claim to be on the net for. Who am I?

Covaro: I'm not sure... let me check the "From:" line of the e-mail.
Mordeth: "I am the one that they call Dumb Ass."

>Looney2ner, The creator of Looney Tune Doom.

Linguica: Well, how could we forget such a celebrity?

>I have had 4167 hits and over 500 downloads of my TC wad (count started Jan 15 1999).
>I have talked to many Doomers during this time and all say the same thing, Doomworld Sucks!

Mordeth: That's all they say?
Linguica: It must be a very lively conversation.

>Why? You fail to respond to emails, you only mention news that relates to your buddies,
>and everyone else gets ignored by you! Why is this? I'll tell you why you are a bunch of
>stuck-up ass-holes that's why.

Covaro: So the people who work at the web-site called Doom-world are stuck-up ass-holes.
Mordeth: How mean-ing-ful of Loon-ey-2-ner.

>Doomworld is getting a reputation as being the the most RUDE, STUCK-UP, SELF-CENTERED, Doom
>site on the net, and you wonder why people are not giving Doomworld any recognition

Linguica: Except for John Carmack or John Romero or...

>on there sites, its simple, You don't give us recognition so why should we give you any!
>Well here at Nuke Doomworld we will give you the recognition you have Ask for by
>your continuance to ignore the Doomers you claim to serve!

Linguica: Doesn't that mean that they should ignore _us_?
Covaro: No, because that would be _logical_.

>I will keep this site and ring up as long as it takes for you to start doing what you claim,
>and Wake up to the fact that you need to start giving recognition to All Doomers on the
>Web not just your Buddies!

[Computer screen goes black]

Linguica: So, what have we learned today?
Covaro: That e-mail filters are a godsend?
Mordeth: That Looney2ner needs psychotherapy?
Linguica: What? Weren't you paying attention? We at Doomworld are an elite clique who only
care about ourselves and our close friends, and snub the other millions of Doomers
out there who spend their hard-earned time making awful, awful levels and add-ons.
Covaro: Of course!
Mordeth: How silly of me!
Linguica: Glad to know you finally understand! Now get back to work, you ungrateful pigs,
before I beat the living crap out of you!
Covaro: Yes, master!
Mordeth: God bless Doomworld! [salutes]

[Fade to black]

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a-HA! So Mordeth IS an overworked, underpaid illegal Cuban immigrant! My suspicions were right all along!

I want a cookie.

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reminds me of prower's MSTings except not as good.. no offense, just that prower's were better =]

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mewse said:

reminds me of prower's MSTings except not as good.. no offense, just that prower's were better =]


What does MST in MSTing stand for?

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Linguica said:

I had to work with the available material which was pretty crappy to begin with :P

I had to retch on five seperate occasions while MSTing that REoL VS SWCBBS thing. Now THAT'S something awful... er, crappy.

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Heh, I remember when you showed me that back when you wrote it.


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Guest destROYer

My eyes hurt.... ive heard of dumbworld(gone now i think)

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mewse said:

Mystery Science Theatre

That's clever.
I haven't seen that show in a long time.

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Some things never change. If you run a successful doom site and you get thousands of emails daily, you obviously must have some criteria on what to update about, and coherent emails sounds like a good one :)

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Ah, hmm... could somebody please tell me where I can get the tooney lune doom wad? No?

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