Describe the DOOM weapons as if you were the manual.

[nxGangrel]

Pistol: This is your starting weapon. Your side arm. Fit for shooting zombies, chickens, and children. You'll fire an average of four bullets before you find a new gun.

Fists: When you run out of ammo, or are suicidal, you can pull out your fist. Fist f*cking demons ain't very smart unless you find a berserk pack. Then you'll have the arms of Reznor.

Shotgun: Why the hell is a pump action shotgun with a wooden stock and pump a military weapon of choice in the future? Meh, who cares. It's your replacement for the pistol. Used for small groups of zombies, wild f*cking animals, and electronic warlock lava witch satanic sex celebration dispensers.

Super Shotgun: Apparently adding a second barrel to your gun makes it super. You are Ash Williams. And this is a boom stick. And it's wide as shit and spreads like a hooker.

Chaingun: <-- Erm, don't you mean a minigun? Or rather it's a super pistol... Since it's got more than one barrel. It's just the pistol with a tripled firing rate... And four barrels. Because why not?

Rocket Launcher: When using such a weapon, one must remember that their worst enemy is not the horde of demons and zombies that's right in front of their face. It's the walls.

Plasma Rifle: This weapon fires sound waves so f*cking loud, it creates big blue balls that can burn things to death, and blind you.

BFG 9000: An overrated death machine that you'll probably never figure out how to use correctly without consulting the internet.

The Chainsaw: This was cool in the 90's. To bad it's not the 90's any more, Ash Williams.

...I should never be allowed to write a manual...

[SharkLordSatan]

Pistol: The worst weapon in existence. Seriously, you're probably going to get yourself killed if you try to use this pathetic pea-shooter.

Fists: Shove it up some poor soul's asshole and tear out his heart. If you've got the balls for it.

Shotgun: Your best friend. Goes boom, makes bad guys dead.

Super Shotgun: Your trusty boomstick. Goes boom boom, makes bad guys dead dead.

Chaingun: It's basically a pistol, except 5x better and awesome. For when you need to fuck some shit up.

Rocket Launcher: Surprisingly, you're more likely to get yourself killed from splash damage than the horde of demons in front of you.

Plasma Rifle: For when you really need to fuck some shit up.

BFG 9000: God's little finger. The monument to all your sins.

[TheNerdTurtle2]

MetroidJunkie said:

Fist: Your last resort but, let's be honest here, you better start saying your prayers if you've resorted to punching demons. Slightly less useless in the presence of certain performance enhancing packs.


BFG 9000: Need to feel big? Say hello to over-compensation. Point at whatever you want reduced to radioactive sludge and pull the trigger.

I'm laughing so hard at these ones haha, good job!

[Batelli_1605]

nxGangrel said:

Plasma Rifle: This weapon fires sound waves so f*cking loud, it creates big blue balls that can burn things to death, and blind you.

Lmao it totally is, loud as shit. Worst thing is the Arachnothrons with green plasma, they not only walk around the map making a LOT of noise but they also got the same firing sound of the Plasma Gun.

[Tritnew]

Fists: Bad luck? Fist fuck.

Chainsaw: Groovy.

Pistol: Good against Zombiemen and Shotgun Guys, and maybe making a ouchie on your foot.

Shotgun: Some marines must of sneaked this In. Use It against some hindlegged gorillas and some mutated cigars.

Super Shotgun: Make It go boom because It's your boomstick. No further questions.

Chaingun: When the Chaingun goes In the fray, a Buddhist will be frowned upon If It doesn't accept It's gloriousness

Rocket Launcher: Careful with that rocket launcher, Eugene. Make some baddies gib like no other demon's ever been gibbed.

Plasma Rifle: You like loud? You like burnt demon flesh? Use this against groups of demons.

BFG 9000: The Bio-Force Gun, or as normal people call It, THE BIG FUCKING GUN! You feeling small under the pants? Use this to make yourself feel better.

[Hells Kitchen]

Pistol: Your first water pistol your mama gave you when you were 5 had more firepower. Find something else. Anything.

Chainsaw: Great for carving up Pinkys for thanksgiving dinner and slicing up zombiemen and imps for sides. Anything meaner commands real lead.

Shotgun: The tool of choice for dispatching zombies and imps. For anything bigger you'll want to double up.

Supershotgun: Your trusty do it all companion. Will dispatch anything in short order up to the bosses, just make sure you don't get swarmed due to the slow reloading.

Chaingun: Groups of zombies and imps are just asking for it. Great for pumping bigger baddies full of lead while they helplessly do the cha-cha, even if it takes almost as long as a broadway dance number.

Rocket Launcher: For when groups of zombies and imps absolutely have to be dispatched quick smart. Perfect for long range sniping and the weapon of choice for big fatasses.

Plasma Rifle: The ultimate all-in-one. Demolish anything from a zombiemen, swarms of zombies, imps, demons to flying enemies, to barons, to cyberdemons quicker than it takes to reheat last night's pasta. No extra charges for long distance.

BFG9000: The perfect kiss goodnight for Pain Elementals and Archviles. Fuck you. Will take out anything in the immediate vicinity, the ultimate choice for big moshpits of baddies, but for long distance sniping, stick to the trusty plasma rifle.

[Deleted_Account]

Fists: You were born with them, but you're no Bruce Lee.

Pistol: Standard issue sidearm, but you'll need something better.

Shotgun: This is something better. The boom-stick!

Super Shotgun: Double the boom, double the destruction.

Chaingun: Rapid fire weapon that turns baddies into swiss cheese.

Rocket Launcher: This here is an instrument of destruction. Just watch your distance!

Plasma Gun: Nothing better than frying baddies with orbs of ionized gas.

BFG 9000: The ultimate state of the art weapon. Need something to die immediately? Just point and click and everything on the business end is toast!

Chainsaw: Martian chainsaw massacre. 'nuff said.

[SavageCorona]

scifista42 said:

(Somebody will English skill should really do this properly, I ran out of ideas after the first three weapons, that's also why chaingun and plasmagun are missing + because "ch" and "p" were already taken by chainsaw and pistol.)

Plasma gun could be Potent Pell-Mell Projectile Propeller

While I'm here I might as well give this a shot.

Fist: Because bullets are limited

Chainsaw: Because bullets don't have saws

Pistol: Because bullets

Shotgun: Because one bullet isn't enough

Super Shotgun: Because one bullet still isn't enough

Chaingun: Because bullets aren't fast enough

Rocket Launcher: Because bullets aren't explosive enough.

Plasma Gun: Because bullets aren't hot enough.

BFG9000: Because bullets really aren't enough.

[Zulk RS]

Here goes nothing...

Fists: You're no wimp, you're a badass demon slaying space marine! You're fists are deadly weapons themselves! Pick up a berserk pack and watch the destruction. Great for pinkies and ammo conservation. Just don't get too cocky.

Chainsaw: Fists too slow for you? Say hello to every tree's nightmare. This think can shred your foes like there's no tomorrow. Does everything the fists do, but better! It also has the added bonus of stunning a few bigger baddies.

Pistol: The standard issue for every marine. Great for taking down low-tier enemies until you get something better. Your starting weapon.

Shotgun: Now this is what you want. Now you don't need to worry about the guys that gave you trouble when you had nothing but the pistol. Surprisingly effective at long distances.

Super Shotgun: It's not called "Super" for nothing! Can take down anything and everything short of bosses relatively efficiently. Dishes out 3 times pain with 2 times the ammo. Shit at long distances.

The Chaingun: A Chaingun is what you want to spend your bullets on. This thing is great for killing armies of the low tier guys you took down with your pistol. Also great for stunning many stronger foes.

The Rocket Launcher: Now this is what every Marine needs for crowd control! Makes everything explode into bloody viscera. This is what true badasses use for sniping. Just don't get yourself killed.

The Plasma Rifle: What happens when you blend the SSG, the chainsaw and a blowtorch? This beast! Though the most versatile weapon in your arsenal, you may want to save ammo. It's hard to find.

The BFG 9000: The big boss of all weapons. Just point it at whatever that's bothering you and shoot. If it doesn't go down in one hit, it won't survive long. Stick around to watch the fireworks.

The Minigun (Skulltag): The Chaingun not good enough for you? Meet the Minigun. It's insane of fire is murder on both your bullet horde and your demon horde.

The Railgun: Want a better snipping weapon than the Rocket Launcher? The Railgun's what you want. Works like a Revolver but a billion times better!

The BFG10K: The younger brother of the BFG 9K. Fire explosive plasma bursts at your enemies at extreme speeds! Just be careful you don't blow yourself up in the process.

[Mechazawa]

Short and simple is best and to the point.

Fist: Challenge Run.

Pistol: Sniper Rifle 1.0

Shotgun: Bang Bang Stick.

Chaingun: Sniper Rifle 2.0

Super Shotgun: Big Bang Bang Stick.

Rocket launcher: You will just barely clip the wall next to you with me resulting in your death, many times.

Plasma Rifle: Pew Pew with an annoying sound.

BFG 9k: You probably don't know how to use me.

Chainsaw: Stunlock.

[Face23785]

Cool thread idea.

Fist: If you get this desperate, look for any edge you can get.

Chainsaw: What the fuck? Oh well, you'll use anything in a pinch!

Pistol: We know it sucks, but you had to start out with something, right?

Shotgun: A real man's weapon. We figured you'd kill to get your hands on one.

Double-barrel: You can take down practically anything with this fine weapon, just watch that reload time.

Chaingun: Automatic weapon that can sorta-rapidly take down groups of enemies. It's also great for wasting ammo.

Rocket launcher: Watch where you point that thing.

PLasma rifle: We know, you're old school and you don't like this faggoty, high-tech crap. If you never warm up to it, good luck finding something better to do with those energy cells.

BFG 9000: We've never seen this thing before in our lives. Seriously. And don't fucking mention it again or we'll kill everyone you've ever known.

Unmaker: Does one of these teleporters go to Area 51? Where THE fuck did you find that? No, there's still no Area 51. We'll pinky-swear you. Enough with the questions, we support waterboarding.

[Maes]

Fist: a real man always knows how to use these, but unless you are pumped up on berserker pack 'roids, you'd better find something else to throw at the baddies.

Pistol: Just point and shoot, but don't rely too much on it. Only marginally better than handling matters with your bare fists.

Shotgun: A strong man needs to make a point, and what better way to assert your manliness by pumping your opponents full of your hot, manly lead. Works great up close, and even from afar. Your everyday "tool of the trade" in the world of Doom.

Super Shotgun: Sometimes, even a strong man needs to make a stronger assertion. Let the brutish, 20-pellet lead storm of this bad boy do all the talking, while you focus on the smiling. Just as every strong assertion however, this one requires you to get a bit more down and personal with your opponent in order to be effective.

Chaingun: Looks like good ol' painless, shoots -kinda- fast, but is better used to rapidly clear bunches of weak baddies, keep bigger ones in check, and deliver precision strikes at a distance. Kind of a sissy's weapon, if you ask me.

Rocket launcher: This weapon reminds me of myself. It delivers multiple, rapid, heavy exploding loads to the poor sod that's on the business end of it, and to those in the immediate vicinity as well. That includes YOU soldier, so don't just empty it on a wall, as you usually do.

Plasma Rifle: You always wanted to be a video game/space age hero, and this is the closest you'll find to a "ray gun": just point and shoot big, noisy, fast, straight travellin' hurtful plasma balls of pain that hurt and sting some demonic butt. That's all there is to i, really.

BFG 9000: Press the trigger and feel the lean, green, mean manly energy charging up, before being released into a big wad that fries the poor sod that gets it and then explodes into a million sticky acid plasma fires that hurt and sting everyone foolish enough to stand in front you.

Chainsaw: Mowing down demons with it may be fun for a while, but then it becomes routine just like your old job at the construction site.

[incendairyhawk]

Fists: You messed kid?

Pistol: Well, i heard hell isn't too bad

Shotgun[basic]: You've got it kid!

SSG[Super Shotgun]: NOW WE'RE TALKING!

Chain-gun: Go get 'em kid!

Rocket Launcher: They won't even see it coming...

Plasma-gun: Woah... Please, take it easy kid...

BFG: Are you actaully human? Just wondering...

Chainsaw: I guess ash dropped something

[Dravencour]

Heh. Let me get a shot here.

 

• Fists: If you're stuck with just these in regular situations, buddy, you're in deep shit. You'll be able to punch out zombies and the occasional imp, but not too much more. Pick up a Berserk Pack, though, and these become true deadly weapons capable of gibbing lesser monsters in one punch.
• Chainsaw: We don't know how one of these got on Mars, but they're capable of carving through lesser demons like a hot knife through butter. Just don't let your current victim's buddies flank you while you're going Leatherface on him.
• Pistol: Your standard issue sidearm, and the only thing you were left with when your buddies moved out to see what the hell was going on. It's good for killing zombies and the occasional imp, and can even be useful as a long-range weapon. It's best discarded when you get something better though.
• Shotgun: The old reliable boomstick was one of your favorites back in the Corps, packing a solid punch at close range and even maintaining some effectiveness at long range. Great for letting primitive screwheads know that you mean business!
• Super Shotgun: Double the pleasure, double the fun! This powerful double-barreled bruiser packs even more of a vicious punch than the regular shotgun at close range, even capable of bringing down the bigger monsters in just a few mighty blasts. It's slower to reload than the regular shotgun, uses two shells per blast, and should not be used at long range, however.
• Chaingun: This man-portable rotary cannon is capable of devastating firepower, mowing down hordes of zombies and lesser foes, as well as putting serious hurt on the big monsters. It also eats ammo for breakfast, so try not to let it run for too long.
• Rocket Launcher: Because nothing says "I love you" like a great big boom! This weapon is great for crowd control against lesser foes, and will likely necessitate the use of a mop for whichever poor bastard has to clean up after you when you're done. It also packs one Hell of a punch against the bigger demons. Just don't stand too close when you cut loose, or they'll be mopping you up instead.
• Plasma Gun: The Chaingun's bigger, badder brother. Unleashes devastating balls of superheated plasma at high velocity to melt any demon or zombie in your path. Ammo for this thing is a bit rarer than 9mm ammo, so try not to overdo things.
• BFG 9000: UAC's top of the line, a man-portable superweapon capable of destroying nearly anything that you point it at. It eats energy cells like crazy, but when you want to clear a room or take out the biggest demon right this damn minute, this is the gun you want.

[MFG38]

Fist: It punches things.

Chainsaw: It cuts things.

Pistol: It shoots peas at things.

Shotgun: It shoots pellets at things.

SSG: It shoots more pellets at things.

Chaingun: It rapidly fires at things.

Rocket Launcher: It propels rockets at things.

Plasma Gun: It shoots things that melt things.

BFG: It fires big things that utterly slaughter things.

[Rifle Infantry]

Why stop at just the vanilla weapons?

 

Fist: Your meaty fist, with a brass knuckle you bought before you were shipped out to Mars. Pretty much suicidal to use normally, but all that changes with a Berserk Pack.

 

Chainsaw: Here due to a shipping incident that ended up with the intended jackhammers going to the Amazon, the Chainsaw has found a new purpose: felling demons, not trees.

 

Pistol: Your standard issue sidearm. Not very powerful or fast firing, but nonetheless useful against lone zombies or other weak enemies.

 

Rifle: The standard arm of the Marine Corps, this semi-automatic rifle is highly accurate, and is both faster-firing and more powerful than your pistol.

 

Shotgun: Favored by UAC security for its power and relative accuracy, this pump-action pellet blaster is highly useful at close to medium range.

 

Super Shotgun: Twice the barrels, half the length, and triple the firepower. While this break-action double shotgun might be slow to fire, you're using it wrong if the enemy is still alive after you fire.

 

Chaingun: This infantry-portable LMG features rotary barrels for enhanced cooling, allowing you to fire for an extended period of time. With a steady rate of fire and a belt feed, it's a good weapon for anything.

 

Minigun: Double the fire rate, even if it's unwieldy and must spin down when you release the trigger. This barely-portable beast will drink bullets up quickly, but can mow down anything.

 

Rocket Launcher: Firing mini-missiles at a high rate, this anti-armor bazooka is great for dealing with mobs and heavier baddies. Just don't fire it at close range.

 

Grenade Launcher: Designed to fire boucing grenades, this semi-auto explosive slinger can be used to hit enemies behind corners and other obstructions.

 

Plasma Gun: The experimental weapons labs have produced this next-gen assault gun. Though its plasma bolts are slow moving, it is both very powerful and rapid-firing.

 

Railgun: The newest sniper rifle devised by the labs, this energy weapon compresses plasma into a "rail" and launches it with perfect accuracy at hypersonic speed.

 

BFG-9000: This big bastard is the prize of any arsenal. Effectively being a directed nuclear meltdown, its shots can remove entire rooms of enemies.

 

BFG-10K: The most advanced energy weapon ever devised. Fires BFG shots automatically, but eats away your plasma cells in seconds.

[Doctor_Spengler]

Pistol: PEW PEW PEW
Shotgun: BOOMCHICCHICBOOMCHICCHICBOOMCHICCHICBOOMCHICCHIC
SSG:BOOMCHICCHACCHOKBOOMCHICCHACCHOKBOOMCHICCHACCHOKBOOMCHICCHACCHOK
Chaingun:PEWPEWPEWPEWPEWPEWPEWPEWPEWPEWPEWPEWPEWPEWPEWPEWPEWPEWPEWPEWPEW
Rocket Launcher: POOFBOOMPOOFBOOMPOOFBOOMPOOFBOOMPOOFBOOMPOOFBOOMPOOFBOOM

Plasma gun: PAAWPAAWPAAWPAAWPAAWPAAWPAAWPAAWPAAWPAAWPAAWPAAWPAAWPAAWPAAWPAAW
BFG:BFKRRZTPEEEOWBFKRRZTPEEEOWBFKRRZTPEEEOWBFKRRZTPEEEOWBFKRRZTPEEEOW

[sesq]

fists: these suck! get a weapon! or get a berserk pack. sorry if you are out of ammo...

pistol: its like your fists but you fire them out of a metal thing! get something else...

shotgun: it fires a bunch ton of pellets and can kill smaller enemies in one or two shots! also good at range

super shotgun: its the shotgun but SUPER use this to kill EVERYTHING

chaingun: its like the pistol but instead of BAng Bang Bang its like PUHPUHPUHPUHPUHPUHPUHPUHPUHPUHPUHPUH and is a lot better. also goot at range!

rocket launcher: its like the super shotgun but its in one rocket, very useful at longer distance

plasma gun: its like the chaingun but every shot is a LOT bETTER

bfg: BANG YOUA RE DEAD all of you, use against the boss enemies

[leodoom85]

If the cyberdemon were the manual it could be like this:

• Fist (without berserk) - Are you serious maggot? Get crushed by my metallic foot...
• Pistol - Do you think that your weapon can kill me? Think again, worthless fool!!!
• Shotgun - That hurts, but it still can't kill me...
• Super Shotgun - That REALLY hurts....prepare for my fury, human!!!
• Chaingun - That tickles...still not enough, maggot...
• Rocket Launcher - BRING IT ON, FOOLISH MORTAL!!!
• Plasma Gun - ARGH....it's melting and it's powerful...You will know my wrath!!!
• BFG 9000 - WHAT??? CURSE YOU WORTHLESS HUMAN!!!

[EdwunclerIII]

Pistol - Your standard-issue sidearm given to all UAC Marines. Don't count on it to save your life, though.

Shotgun - This is your "Boomstick". What it lacks in fire rate, it makes up for in versatility.

Super Shotgun - A beautiful sight to behold, this weapon blows wreckingball-sized holes in your foes.

Chaingun - A fully-automatic holepuncher, this weapon is a crowd pleaser.

Rocket Launcher - This weapon fires explosives of justice. Make demon slushies the whole family will love!

Plasma Gun - This weapon is your ticket to preserving natural resources the fun way!

BFG-9000 - This gun is a "Big Motherfucking Gun" alright! Turn a whole room of demons into a Margaritaville!

Chainsaw - A tool used for chopping down trees and stubborn pinkies.

Fist - When you have no other option, turn brains into brawns.

[GeorgeCostanza94]

The pistol: 

The moment you pick up another weapon you'll never use it again.

 

The shotgun:

The 12 gauge buck shot that doubles as a sniper rifle.

 

The chaingun:

An SMG disguised as a minigun. 

 

The chainsaw: 

Has a magical force that pulls you to the enemy once contact is made.

 

The rocket launcher:

The rockets travel slower than your jogging speed.

 

The plasma rifle:

The UAC's attempt to convert the accordion into a gun.

 

The BFG 9000:

The only gun I can't think of something funny to say.