Terrible puns/jokes

[roadworx]

Alan dices his potatoes, carrots, and parsnips. He cannot help but chuckle as he is a mathematician who enjoys even the weakest of puns and he now has square root vegetables.

“That’s not quite right, we’re technically cube root vegetables” say the vegetables.

To correct his mistake, Alan carefully cuts each piece into perfectly two-dimensional squares.

“That’s not possible," says the z axis. “The thinnest slices must have at least some depth to them, no matter how small.”

To correct this further mistake he stabs the z axis to death with his kitchen knife, thus rendering the entire universe in 2 spacial dimensions. Such is the extent Alan is willing to go to pull off a lame pun.

“You know, Alan,” says God (who is now annoyed that his universe has literally been flattened) “I’ve gotten used to jokes breaking the fourth wall by now, but don’t you think you’ve taken it a bit too far?”

“Hah! Well isn’t that rich,” replies Alan, “Coming from someone who made those vegetables and even the freakin’ z axis talk, just to sabotage my pun!”

God frowns. “But your pun was already wrong, Alan. You practically sabotaged it yourself from the get-go.”

Upon realising that God is right, the logical conclusion of this joke is that yet again Alan fixes his problems with his knife, and thus he stabs himself to death. He is promptly sent to hell for the sin of suicide.

God is still displeased. He orders a coke to settle his troubled mind, but when it arrives it is flat.

[Doominator2]

My love for you is like diarrhea, I just cant hold it in.

Ok, its technically a bad pick up line put its still terrible.

[ETTiNGRiNDER]

Why does Stegosaurus win every race?
Because Tyrannosaurus wrecks!

Why do they call that thing that Scotsmen wear, a "kilt"?
Because everyone who called it a skirt, got kilt!

There are 10 types of people in the world: those who understand binary and those who don't.

[Megalyth]

roadworx said:

joke about dimensions

Okay, that was pretty funny.

[Chezza]

**Joke**

An armless and legless girl was sun-baking on the beach. That's right, only her head, neck and torso was there.

A man walked by and she said "Excuse me sir, sorry to be a bother. But it's my birthday and I haven't been hugged before. May I be hugged?" He had no issues with that, so he walked to her, hugged her and moved on.

Then another man walked by and she said "excuse me sir it's my birthday and I haven't been kissed before, can I be kissed?" The man thought about it for a moment, then agreed. He walked up to her, pecked her on the cheek and moved on.

Finally a third man walked by and she said "excuse me sir it's my birthday and I haven't been fucked before, can I be fucked?" The man immediately agreed, walked up to her, picked her up, chucked her in the ocean and said "Now you're fucked"

[everennui]

[Nine Inch Heels]

How long does it take for Son Goku to chop a tree?

10 episodes, 9 of which are simply him screaming to power himself up.

[CzechMate29200]

A little late but oh well, this one is so cheesy that it's funny...

 

The Czechs saw that the Americans went too the moon before they did. And they say to each other "hey, they Americans went too the moon, so we're gonna go to the SUN!!!". So they reach out to NASA for some advice. The NASA scientist tells them "you do realize that the sun is billions of degrees hot right? You will melt before you even come close to it". The Czechs tell him "what, do you think we are stupid or something? We're gonna go to the sun at night..."

 

ive heard many other versions of this, it's kinda funny...

[Maisth]

Here's one i saw on a CSGO youtuber, found it pretty funny and weird at the same time.

 

"i think that any joke i make about 911 has a tendency to Crash and Burn."

[TootsyBowl]

Q: Why are zombies so restless?

A: They can't stop coffin.

 

Q: What did the Arch-Vile say to his incompetent subordinates?

A: You're fired.

 

Q: What's big, ugly, and utterly braindead?

A: A Spider Mastermind on the receiving end of the BFG 9000.

[vita]

13 hours ago, CzechMate29200 said:

we're gonna go to the SUN!!!

This reminds me of this joke.

[Guest]

On 17/2/2017 at 2:42 AM, YukiRaven said:

 

[MFG38]

Don't let the cops ketchup to you.

 

[Grazza]

"I got a good photo of the whale's tail, but it was a total fluke."

 

Yup, I used that one in Iceland a couple of months ago. After all, how often do you get a chance to use whale jokes?

[TootsyBowl]

12 minutes ago, Grazza said:

"I got a good photo of the whale's tail, but it was a total fluke."

 

Yup, I used that one in Iceland a couple of months ago. After all, how often do you get a chance to use whale jokes?

I bet you had a whale of a time.

[Avoozl]

Here's a Star Trek one.

 

How did Picard get the replicator to repair his uniform?

 

He told his engineers to "Make it sew".

[Merry Widow]

Terrible joke?Me. :D

[AdirBlaz]

An anonymous man has been chasing you throughout your life without given reason. Attempting to attack you at random with a variety of strange weaponry. Ranging from weirdly futuristic guns, to at one point a chainsaw, and even his own fists. Surprisingly, none of these attacks has caused you harm, as he somehow fails to succeed in them.

One day you manage to corner this man, to find out who he is and what his purpose is once and for all.

He takes off his mask...

There's a helmet underneath. And you know those eyes under the visor. But it can't be...

 

AND HE TURNS OUT TO BE FLYNN TAGGART BLAZKOWICS, FORMER SON OF WILLIAM JOSEPH BLAZKOWICS!! The very man who went to Hell and came back alive!

 

http://puu.sh/wSFpQ/c627ea8d53.png
 

[Doominator2]

My Wife Hates me because I always act inappropriately in public. It wasn't until I spanked a statue in public that I knew I hit rock bottom.

[Ichor]

A stand-up comic was up all night trying to come up with some jokes for the local improv, and it looks like he managed to write down about a dozen. The next night, he started on his routine, but not so much as a giggle was heard from the audience. Then the boos started. Though he still had a couple more jokes to go, the manager could take it no longer, and out comes the hook. The comic was hoping that at least one of his awful jokes would cause even a little bit of laughter. However, no pun in ten did.

[Tracer]

The most tearable pun I ever saw was written down on a piece of paper.

[Trupiak]

... why not good puns/jokes ? lol

[TMD]

I came into some money recently
And that is why my wallet is sticky.

[Darklordrobert]

What sound does a Pokemon make when he has to sneeze?

 

Pik-achoo!!

 

 

[Tracer]

Why can't Helen Keller drive?

 

Because she's dead.

_____________

What's worse than biting into an apple and discovering a worm?

 

The Holocaust.

[CzechMate29200]

4 hours ago, TMD said:

I came into some money recently
And that is why my wallet is sticky.

jesus christ...

[Cupboard]

Do you have a green thumb for gardening? Or a purple thumb for home repairs? haha

[Master O]

13 hours ago, MFG38 said:

Don't let the cops ketchup to you.

 

 

Especially if you're a small "fry." ;)

[EmotionalFelineinaMadstate]

Did you hear about the depressed person on the ride?

It was an emotional rollercoaster.

[Tracer]

10 hours ago, Master O said:

 

Cannibals make the worst romantic partners.  You'll just end up getting dumped by them.