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12 hours ago, Doomkid said:

You're only young, it takes time to learn these things about yourself. As an adult I know with certainty that I am straight and like what I like, but I wasn't 100% positive about that kind of stuff until I was nearing the end of my teens. As long as you approach life with an open mind, you'll be alright. Most importantly, never let guilt or pressure scare you away from liking what you like.

Much of what I know about myself I didn't realize until I was in my 30s.

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@Doomkid, @Nine Inch Heels, thank you both so much... I do feel... I dunno, better I think

 

warning: edgy vent

 

My predicament is that I currently identify as ace, but I'm constantly thinking about the future and I don't know if I want to be alone (except for a dog of course!!) for my whole life... that's a lot of time to live like that

 


It never used to bother me, that idea, but now that I'm a little older I can see what I'm missing out on, and I just don't know

I'm best friends with someone (we're so incredibly close) and they told me they had a crush on me and naturally I turned them down (they knew and understood why). I guess part of the guilt comes from the fact that I turned them down, when it could have made them happy (they told me that they'd be dead if not for me... yeah. they were always dealing with one thing or another and I listened to them whenever something was on their mind and offered my insight where I could, and they seemed to really appreciate that), but also... I guess turning them down was like accepting being ace and being alone, because there's nobody I feel closer to than them, and I don't think I could ever be with anybody else

And I feel guilty for wondering like this, because I let them down and then I look at them as a missed opportunity...

And now they have a partner, who supports them and loves them. We're all good friends, but seeing them together... I don't know

I've never wanted to be with anybody, I've never felt any need, want or desire, and because of that I was confident of my sexuality

But since all that... I don't know

 

 

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These are my answers.

 

Favorite Movie Genre: Action

 

Favorite Food: Chicken, you can never go wrong with chicken.

 

Favorite Holiday: Christmas

 

Favorite Memory: Playing Halo 3 custom games with my friends 10 years ago.

 

Worst Memory: I almost died in 2011 because I was having trouble eating, but no need to worry! I'm all good now! :D

 

Age: 19

 

Favorite Outfit: I like color, so anything with lots of color is good. I typically wear clothing that is reminiscent of 1980s and 1990s-styles, excluding the mullets and male crop tops. We can leave those behind.

 

Favorite Genre Of Music: Synthwave, Vaporwave, Future Funk, Acid House, Italo Disco, lots of weird electronic music genres that are from or are based on the 1970s-1990s; most people my age probably don't listen to my genres. 

 

Most Hated Genre of Music: Rap, especially mumble rap.

 

Left Handed or Right Handed: Right

 

Worst Injury: I sprained my thumb and only cried for 20 minutes.

 

Favorite Hobby: Playing video games or listening to music.

 

Your Definition of Success: Finally getting a great job after dealing with all the BS college throws at you, haha.

 

In your opinion, are situations typically black and white: I'd say yeah for the most part.

Edited by fr0gm4st3R

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21 hours ago, cyan0s1s said:

That guy's 'dead', also it was their opinion, and thus this is why I try to not personify everything I like because I know there's going to be someone out there who hates what I'm into and therefore will seem like they do not approve of my existence.

It was more of a joke than anything, and he's gone? now I feel actually sad. :(

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21 minutes ago, Kapanyo said:

@Doomkid, @Nine Inch Heels, thank you both so much... I do feel... I dunno, better I think

 

warning: edgy vent

  Reveal hidden contents

My predicament is that I currently identify as ace, but I'm constantly thinking about the future and I don't know if I want to be alone (except for a dog of course!!) for my whole life... that's a lot of time to live like that

 


It never used to bother me, that idea, but now that I'm a little older I can see what I'm missing out on, and I just don't know

I'm best friends with someone (we're so incredibly close) and they told me they had a crush on me and naturally I turned them down (they knew and understood why). I guess part of the guilt comes from the fact that I turned them down, when it could have made them happy (they told me that they'd be dead if not for me... yeah. they were always dealing with one thing or another and I listened to them whenever something was on their mind and offered my insight where I could, and they seemed to really appreciate that), but also... I guess turning them down was like accepting being ace and being alone, because there's nobody I feel closer to than them, and I don't think I could ever be with anybody else

And I feel guilty for wondering like this, because I let them down and then I look at them as a missed opportunity...

And now they have a partner, who supports them and loves them. We're all good friends, but seeing them together... I don't know

I've never wanted to be with anybody, I've never felt any need, want or desire, and because of that I was confident of my sexuality

But since all that... I don't know

 

 

As someone who is ace as hell let me tell you that only you can decide what being ace means for you. Asexuality, like anything else to do with sexuality and gender, is a spectrum. Just because you're ace doesn't necessarily mean that you must be alone. You don't have to push people away for the sake of a prepackaged notion of an identity. If you truly feel something for someone, it doesn't make you less ace. Some ace people even engage in sexual activity with their partner, because they want to please their partner (or because it's pleasing to them to be doing it with their partner, etc.)

 

It's up to you to decide what you want.

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8 minutes ago, arobase said:

ace people

 

8 minutes ago, arobase said:

because it's pleasing to them to be doing it

Wait, what? How can it be pleasing to them if they call themselves asexual? I'm confused.

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49 minutes ago, Kapanyo said:

warning: edgy vent

I had a very similar experience in my teens. There was a girl I was friends with who liked me a lot, and I liked her too, but she was in what I believe to have been a physically abusive relationship with another guy that she described as 'complicated.'

 

We got along really well and by our flirting I could kinda tell she was dying for me to ask her out. I was really nervous about it so I dragged my feet on it a lot. I eventually did ask her if shed want to see a movie with me. She said yes but she bailed at the last minute. Then I asked her another time, said yes, then she no-showed. A few other times I asked her if shed like to hang out anytime after school and she always said she had work. I eventually got really angry with her about it because I felt that I was being really courteous and she didn't care.

 

We never really made up and we didn't stay friends after that and I dont feel good about it. I realized much later that she had been not answering text messages and calls and always claimed to be at work because her boyfriend was super overprotective and basically controlling her life. She couldn't go out with me because she was legitimately afraid of what he might do. She really liked me and I liked her, but I turned on her because I was too naive to see that she needed help. I still feel like a real shit bag when I think about it.

 

I know this has nothing to do with questioning my sexuality. Being asexual wasn't really legitamized at the time, but since it was one of the first girls that I knew to like me and she still wouldn't go out with me, I questioned whether anyone could really love me and it made me really skeptical around women. I had a lot of confusing thoughts floating around in my head and if I knew people who claimed to be asexual and weren't outcasted from everyone in school, it would have taken all the pressure off of being a virgin. The bottom line though is that relationships are pretty much always confusing. Sometimes you'll love someone who doesn't love you back, and vice versa. And it always feels so pure and so real when you're young. You dont have to be really confident about what you are. We figure it out eventually.

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Favorite Movie Genre: Pretentious Arthouse

Favorite Food: Chile Rellenos

Favorite Holiday: Groundhog Day

Favorite Memory: At some themed restaurant for birthdays. 6 year old me. It was a puppet show (but wait, it gets better). It was some "don't talk to strangers" type deal disguised as a puppet show. Anyway, the puppeteer asked the audience where the "stranger with candy" went. I guess you were supposed to shake your head like you didn't know but I must not have gotten the memo because I shouted out "he went that way!" A moment of awkward silence filled the room. Few people laughed. Few people cried. Most were silent. The puppet show went on like nothing happened.

Worst Memory: The one above (it also makes me cringe).

Age: Old enough to know better.

Favorite Outfit: I go out in public wearing all black to try and hide my fat. It is a delusion. As cat hair clings to me and several stains are wiped clean with saliva, I realize I am far too gone. At least I don't wear pajamas in public. Yet.

Favorite Genre Of Music: Will Smith's "Get Lit" on repeat for hours every day. 

Most Hated Genre of Music: Ed Sheeran has ruined my life. 

Left Handed or Right Handed: I'm under handed.

Worst Injury: When I first heard Ed Sheeran's music

Favorite Hobby: Existing.

Your Definition of Success: Getting out of bed every morning.

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Okay, I guess I gotta go into dissection mode for a bit...

 

18 minutes ago, Kapanyo said:

My predicament is that I currently identify as ace, but I'm constantly thinking about the future and I don't know if I want to be alone (except for a dog of course!!) for my whole life...

In my opinion, what you currently identify as is not necessarily something that you should pay too much heed to. Surely it's good to think about where you have positioned yourself, and where you would want to position yourself in the future, but you are still really, really young in the bigger scheme of things. And I don't say that for the purpose of somehow playing down the importance of what you feel at the moment, or what your situation is like right now, but at a young age it just so happens that a lot of the aspects that make up the entirety that is "you", aren't gonna last you for your whole life, you know? Your points of views, your priorities, even your main interests change over time, and that is a good thing, because it widens your horizon and makes you a more competent person overall. You have the right to change your stance when you see fit, in fact I would even go as far as arguing that at times people have a moral obligation to change, not that the latter necessarily applies here. But what I am trying to say is that you shouldn't put unnecessary pressure on yourself by thinking that you're gonna have to make a call now, and stick to it forever, because that's not how life works.

 

28 minutes ago, Kapanyo said:

It never used to bother me, that idea, but now that I'm a little older I can see what I'm missing out on, and I just don't know

Maybe it's the right time for you to ask some questions that you might want to have answers for. And I don't mean questions like "Is being in a relationship worth not being alone?" even though maybe it is actually a good question to ask... But perhaps dig a little deeper and ask yourself why being alone seemed like a choice you were willing to make longterm, what got you into that chain of thoughts, do you still feel the same way as you did when you made that choice and so on.

 

35 minutes ago, Kapanyo said:

I'm best friends with someone (we're so incredibly close) and they told me they had a crush on me and naturally I turned them down (they knew and understood why). I guess part of the guilt comes from the fact that I turned them down, when it could have made them happy (they told me that they'd be dead if not for me...

Regardless of how happy it would have made them or not, the best advice I can give you is to never get into a relationship for the purpose of making somebody else happy. It does look good on paper, and maybe, for some time, you're actually doing someone a huge favour, but the long term perpective usually is disheartening. You should get into relationships because you want to, because they make you feel better. I know it might seem like a paradox, since relationships are always about you and somebody else on the surface, but really, they are not. If a relationship does not make you happy, it will eventually end up making both you and your partner unhappy to the point where eventually you will just break up after living what I might call "a pretentious lie with good intentions".

 

What are you gonna say when your partner asks you if you love them in such a case? What are you going to say when you're asked why and how things started? "Because I wanted to make you happy" is definitely not what I would want to hear when I ask my SO that question, believe me. I am happy with the relationship I have, so is my partner, and we make each other happy naturally as a consequence. That is not an easy dynamic to keep up and running in and of itself, but it definitely is one the easiest ones to keep going. It's like, yeah, you can be happy if you make someone else happy, and it can be a very deep experience for sure, but if making someone else happy is everything that keeps the whole thing going, you can loose yourself and it can burn you out. Of course I am not saying you shouldn't try to make your SO happy, and take care of them when they need you, or make their lives a bit less stressful by sharing some of the weight that is to be pulled. When you love someone then you genuinely care to begin with when it really matters, and these things go without saying, you know. Well, maybe not for everybody, for a lot of people the supporting of their partners comes naturally in some way shape or form.

 

Case in point, if you are gonna get into a relationship, you need to want that for yourself, not for somebody else. Never build your life around somebody else, build it together with them.

 

1 hour ago, Kapanyo said:

And I feel guilty for wondering like this, because I let them down and then I look at them as a missed opportunity...

It definitely was a good opportunity for you to put the view you have on yourself to the test, you know? And I personally think that you should do that, and find out.

Why is "opportunity" such a negative word in this context to begin with? Whenever you have to make a choice, you are faced with opportunities. Your whole life is a sequence of opportunities, and it changes and takes shape based on the decisions you make. Back when the relationship that I am in started, it started because we saw an opportunity for us to be with someone we fell in love with. End of last year, when we decided to adopt a child we saw an opportunity as well, but that doesn't mean the decision was based on an ice-cold calculus that would exclusively aim to turn in a profit for us. I mean, it was a win, because I don't want to risk ruining my health long-term with a pregancy, my partner is too busy to be able to afford being pregnant at the moment, so adopting a child was always up for discussion for us, and we did so when we were given an opportunity. And it was a good opportunity to have, we are grateful for that, all 3 of us as far as I can tell.

 

1 hour ago, Kapanyo said:

And now they have a partner, who supports them and loves them. We're all good friends, but seeing them together... I don't know

Maybe it's best for you to figure out what seeing them together makes you feel like... When you see them with somebody else, do you think to yourself "That could have been me instead", or do you think "I want that to be me instead"? These things are not the same, and figuring out where you are on that spectrum might be quite important, but be warned that it also can hurt to find out.

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Favourite Movie Genre: horror
Favourite holiday: Christmas
Favourite Memory: meeting partner in the summer
Worst Memory: spilling hot water on my feet!
age: 18
Favourite outfit: Mix of things, I as a joke wear this long soviet jacket, but usually will wear my trust ushanka with some bare bone hoodie.

Favourite genre of music: Black metal

Most hated genre of music: most modern rap and NU metal.

Right handed

Worst injury: kettle water across my feet, I walk a bit funny because of it, it messed with my nerves!

I'd say success is just being happy with what ever you've got

And partly, black and white and sometimes orange.

 

And being ace doesn't mean you can't be in a relationship. Just as the other guy said!

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@Nine Inch Heels i don't know what to say, except thank you again... it was all a jumble in my head before but now... 

Thank you for taking the time out of your day to answer my silly teen problem so thoroughly

 
8 hours ago, Nine Inch Heels said:

Okay, I guess I gotta go into dissection mode for a bit...

 

In my opinion, what you currently identify as is not necessarily something that you should pay too much heed to. Surely it's good to think about where you have positioned yourself, and where you would want to position yourself in the future, but you are still really, really young in the bigger scheme of things. And I don't say that for the purpose of somehow playing down the importance of what you feel at the moment, or what your situation is like right now, but at a young age it just so happens that a lot of the aspects that make up the entirety that is "you", aren't gonna last you for your whole life, you know? Your points of views, your priorities, even your main interests change over time, and that is a good thing, because it widens your horizon and makes you a more competent person overall. You have the right to change your stance when you see fit, in fact I would even go as far as arguing that at times people have a moral obligation to change, not that the latter necessarily applies here. But what I am trying to say is that you shouldn't put unnecessary pressure on yourself by thinking that you're gonna have to make a call now, and stick to it forever, because that's not how life works.

 

That does really comfort me. I'll try to remember that, it's just that I used to be so sure and now here I am

(oops, accidental spoiler)

Quote

Maybe it's the right time for you to ask some questions that you might want to have answers for. And I don't mean questions like "Is being in a relationship worth not being alone?" even though maybe it is actually a good question to ask... But perhaps dig a little deeper and ask yourself why being alone seemed like a choice you were willing to make longterm, what got you into that chain of thoughts, do you still feel the same way as you did when you made that choice and so on.

I used to be fine with the prospect of being alone because I never understood what the fuss over romance etc. was in media, it just seemed laughable and like extra work to me. Now though, I can see how wonderful it is for two people to love each other, and I guess I'm at least a little jealous of that

Quote

 

Regardless of how happy it would have made them or not, the best advice I can give you is to never get into a relationship for the purpose of making somebody else happy. It does look good on paper, and maybe, for some time, you're actually doing someone a huge favour, but the long term perpective usually is disheartening. You should get into relationships because you want to, because they make you feel better. I know it might seem like a paradox, since relationships are always about you and somebody else on the surface, but really, they are not. If a relationship does not make you happy, it will eventually end up making both you and your partner unhappy to the point where eventually you will just break up after living what I might call "a pretentious lie with good intentions".

 

What are you gonna say when your partner asks you if you love them in such a case? What are you going to say when you're asked why and how things started? "Because I wanted to make you happy" is definitely not what I would want to hear when I ask my SO that question, believe me. I am happy with the relationship I have, so is my partner, and we make each other happy naturally as a consequence. That is not an easy dynamic to keep up and running in and of itself, but it definitely is one the easiest ones to keep going. It's like, yeah, you can be happy if you make someone else happy, and it can be a very deep experience for sure, but if making someone else happy is everything that keeps the whole thing going, you can loose yourself and it can burn you out. Of course I am not saying you shouldn't try to make your SO happy, and take care of them when they need you, or make their lives a bit less stressful by sharing some of the weight that is to be pulled. When you love someone then you genuinely care to begin with when it really matters, and these things go without saying, you know. Well, maybe not for everybody, for a lot of people the supporting of their partners comes naturally in some way shape or form.

 

Case in point, if you are gonna get into a relationship, you need to want that for yourself, not for somebody else. Never build your life around somebody else, build it together with them.

I understand... and I guess I agree. I do genuinely think we would/could have been perfect for each other (I know just how naïve and laughable that sounds but really, everything just clicked), and we had discussed (almost as a joke) living with each other out of the blue, that was fun to imagine... maybe we could have made each other happy

We do tell each other we love one another but idk why I even mention that because obviously it's not like romantic love

But yes, I guess in the end it might not have been genuine

Quote

It definitely was a good opportunity for you to put the view you have on yourself to the test, you know? And I personally think that you should do that, and find out.


Why is "opportunity" such a negative word in this context to begin with? Whenever you have to make a choice, you are faced with opportunities. Your whole life is a sequence of opportunities, and it changes and takes shape based on the decisions you make. Back when the relationship that I am in started, it started because we saw an opportunity for us to be with someone we fell in love with. End of last year, when we decided to adopt a child we saw an opportunity as well, but that doesn't mean the decision was based on an ice-cold calculus that would exclusively aim to turn in a profit for us. I mean, it was a win, because I don't want to risk ruining my health long-term with a pregancy, my partner is too busy to be able to afford being pregnant at the moment, so adopting a child was always up for discussion for us, and we did so when we were given an opportunity. And it was a good opportunity to have, we are grateful for that, all 3 of us as far as I can tell.

Well... I think I meant that I saw it not as an opportunity to be with them, but more as an opportunity to like... not be set up for the kind of life I'm scared to imagine? I don't know, but what you said about "ice-cold calculus" rings a bell... idk

Quote

 

Maybe it's best for you to figure out what seeing them together makes you feel like... When you see them with somebody else, do you think to yourself "That could have been me instead", or do you think "I want that to be me instead"? These things are not the same, and figuring out where you are on that spectrum might be quite important, but be warned that it also can hurt to find out.

This is something that I didn't even know needed to be asked, but here it is presented to me and I can't thank you enough

And I think... it's "that could have been me instead"... I don't know how reaching that conclusion makes me feel, it's a bit of a relief, it's a bit of a disappointment I guess... but thank you. Thank you so much.

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Fav Movie Genre: I rarely watch films but anything animated and NOT Horror and I may enjoy it. Especially Adventure based films.

Fav Food: My mother's Pasta Salad (HOLY NOODLES IS IT TASTY! OwO)

Fav Holiday: Birthday because I make myself my own cakes otherwise New Years because booooooooooze

Fav Memory: Any that involves me during my sleeps where I go on some really weird adventure that is both grounded in reality and bizarre.

Worst Memory: Any time I see anything horror-related and it scars my brain ;_;

Age: 19 nearly 20

Fav Outfit: naked Ehh I just wear whateves. Blue and green being my preferred colours

Fav Genre Music: I guess Trance or Techno

Hated Genre Music: Heavy Metal/Dubstep/Rap done by terrible rappers (Eminem raps are good)

Lefty VS Righty: Righty

Worst Injury: Either breaking my left index finger (mild break) or burning my left index finger with a fairly large burn due to accidentally picking up a hot tray

Fav Hobby: fapping I enjoy doodling and playing videogames as well as map making

My Definition of success: How the bloody hell am I meant to know? I can barely breathe some days :P

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Favorite Movie Genre: Action/Horror

Favorite Food: Wings, sushi, pizza and empanadas; basically any of those foods that you could technically put anything into and it'll still be good lol

Favorite Holiday: Tie between Halloween and Christmas

Favorite Memory: My little brother being born

Worst Memory: Middle School. Very dark time for me.

Age: 22

Favorite Outfit: Short sleeve shirt and a hoodie and joggers, minus the hoodie and replace joggers with shorts in summer usually of course lol. Basically if it makes me feel good and comfortable, I'll wear it.

Favorite Genre Of Music: Hard Rock, Rap, Heavy Metal, Electronic

Most Hated Genre of Music: Country (excluding Johnny Cash of course)

Left Handed or Right Handed: Right

Worst Injury: Never had a super bad injury tbh, but there was the time in elementary school where I ran into a fence and my face was cut up

Favorite Hobby: Videogames, going out with friends

Your Definition of Success: Living in a decent house, with a big dog and enough money to support myself and my family

In your opinion,  are situations typically black and white: No such thing as a situation that is completely black and white

 

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