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Sorry if a repeat sneaks in.. :)

One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!"

The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that
farmer said?"

One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said: 'Holy Shit! A talking chicken!'"

1. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
2. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
3. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.
4. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
5. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
6. Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse?
7. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
8. When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
9. Seen it all; can't remember most of it.
10. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
11. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
12. He's not dead; he's electroencephalographically challenged.
13. She's always late. Her ancestors arrived on the Juneflower.
14. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be
misquoted, then used against you.
15. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
16. Honk if you love peace and quiet.
17. Pardon my driving. I am reloading.
18. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how living remains so
19. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
20. It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial costs and blamed it on the high cost of living.
21. Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
22. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone will be stupid enough to try and pass them all.
23. You can't have everything; where would you put it all?
24. Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the
world's population.
25. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
26. The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by
those who got there first.
27. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish,
and he will sit in the boat all day drinking beer.
28. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries
29. Shin: A device for finding furniture.
30. As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in the public
31. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
32. It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
33. Everybody lies. But it doesn't matter since nobody listens.
34. I wish the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.
35. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
36. When you go into court you are putting yourself in the hands of 12
people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
37. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear
bright until you hear them speak.

This had most of the city of Winnipeg laughing for 2 days and a very
embarrassed female news anchor. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, "So Steve, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?"

A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot. One day a
construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot. The young family's 6-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers. She hung around and eventually the construction crew gems-in-the-rough, all of them, more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay envelope containing a dollar.

The little girl took this home to her mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take the dollar pay she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

When they got to the bank the teller was equally impressed with the
story and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay
check at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, "I've been
working with a crew building a house all week." "My goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week too?"

She replied "I will if those useless sons of bitches at the lumber yard ever bring us any drywall that's worth a shit."

Two men were drinking in a bar at the top of the Empire State
Building. One turns to the other and says, "You know, last week I
discovered that if you jump from the top of this building, by the time
you fall to the 10th floor, the winds around the building are so intense that they carry you around the building and back into the window." The bartender overhears this and just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping down the bar.

The second man says, "What, are you a nut? There is no way in hell that could happen!"

The first man says, "No, it's true. Let me prove it to you." He gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony, and careens toward the street
below When he passes the 10th floor, the high wind whips him around the building and back into the 10th floor window, where he takes the
elevator back up to the bar.

The second man says, "You know, I saw that with my own eyes, but that
must have been a one-time fluke."

The first man says, "No, it isn't. I'll prove it again!" And again he
jumps and hurtles toward the street where the 10th floor wind gently
carries him around the building and into the window. Once upstairs he
urges his fellow drinker to try it. The second man says, "Well, what the hell, it works, I'll try it." He jumps over the balcony, plunges
downward, and passes the...11th...10th...9th...8th...7th...6th...5th...4th...3rd...2nd...1st. And hits the sidewalk with a splat.

Back upstairs, the bartender turns to the other drinker and says, "You
know, Superman, you're a real asshole when you're drunk."

During training exercises, the lieutenant who was driving down a muddy
back road encountered another car stuck in the mud with a red-faced
colonel at the wheel. "Your jeep stuck, sir?" asked the lieutenant as he pulled alongside. "Nope," replied the colonel, coming over and handing him the keys, "Yours is."

Having just moved into his new office, a pompous new colonel was
sitting at his desk when an airman knocked on the door. Conscious of his new position, the colonel quickly picked up the phone, told the airman to enter, then said into the phone, Yes, General, I'll be seeing him this afternoon and I'll pass along your message. In the meantime, thank you for your good wishes, sir. " Feeling as though he had sufficiently impressed the young enlisted man, he asked, What do you want?" "Nothing important, sir," the airman replied, "I'm just here to hook up your telephone."

Officer: Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?
Soldier: Sure, buddy.
Officer: That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it again.
Officer: Do you have change for a dollar?
Soldier: No, SIR!

A Navy Chief and an Admiral were sitting in the barbershop. They were
both just getting finished with their shaves. The barbers were reaching for some after-shave to slap on their faces. The admiral shouted, "Hey, don't put that stuff on me! My wife will think I've been in a whorehouse!" The chief turned to his barber and said, "Go ahead and put it on. My wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like."

"Well," snarled the tough old Navy Chief to the bewildered Seaman. "I
suppose after you get discharged from the Navy, you'll just be waiting
for me to die so you can come and piss on my grave." "Not me, Chief!"
the Seaman replied. "Once I get out of the Navy, I'm never going to
stand in line again!"

A pastor walked into a neighborhood pub. The place was hopping with
music and dancing but every once in a while the lights would turn off.
Each time after the lights would go out the place would erupt into
cheers. However, when the revelers saw the town pastor, the room went
dead silent. He walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom?"

The bartender replied, "I really don't think you should."

"Why not?" the pastor asked.

"Well, there is a statue of a naked woman in there, and her most private part is covered only by a fig leaf."

"Nonsense," said the pastor, "I'll just look the other way."

So the bartender showed the clergyman the door at the top of the stairs, and he proceeded to the restroom.

After a few minutes, he came back out, and the whole place was hopping
with music and dancing again. However, they did stop just long enough to give the pastor a loud round of applause.

He went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did
they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?"

"Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender. "Would you
like a drink?"

"But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled pastor.

"You see," laughed the bartender, "every time the fig leaf is lifted on the statue, the lights go out in the whole place. Now, how about that drink?"

An Arab diplomat visiting the US for the first time was being wined and dined by the State Department. The Grand Emir was unused to the salt in American foods (French fries, cheeses, salami, anchovies, etc.) and was constantly sending his manservant Abdul to fetch him a glass of water.

Time and again, Abdul would scamper off and return with a glass of
water, but then came the time when he returned empty-handed. "Abdul, you son of an ugly camel, where is my water?" demanded the Grand Emir.

"A thousand pardons, O Illustrious One," stammered the wretched Abdul,
"A man is sitting on the well."

1. Why does it take longer to build a blonde snowman as opposed to a
regular one?
(You have to hollow out the head.)

2. Why won't they hire blondes as pharmacists?
(They keep breaking the prescription bottles in the typewriters.)

3. Hear about the blonde that got an AM RADIO?
(It took her a month to realize she could play it in the afternoon.)

4. What happened to the blonde ice hockey team?
(They drowned during Spring Training.)

5. Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence?
(To see what was on the other side.)

6. How did the blonde die drinking milk?
(The cow stepped on her.)

7. How did the blonde burn her nose?
(Bobbing for French fries.)

8. Why do blondes have more fun?
(They're easier to amuse.)

9. What do you call 20 blondes in a freezer?
(Frosted flakes.)

10. Why can't blondes put in light bulbs?
(They keep breaking them with their hammers.)

11. Did you hear about the blonde that shot an arrow into the air?
(She missed.)

12. What is it when a blonde blows into another blonde's ear?
(Data transfer.)

13. Why did the blonde resolve to have only three children?
(Because she read that one child out of every four born was

14. Why did the blonde put make-up on her forehead?
(She wanted everyone to know that she was able to make up her mind.)

15. Why did the blonde ask her friends to save their burned-out light
(She needed them for the darkroom she was building.)

16. Why are Asians so smart?
(No blondes.)

17. What is the biggest advantage to marrying a blonde?
(You get to park in the Handicapped Zone

How can a pregnant woman tell that she's carrying a future lawyer?

She has an uncontrollable craving for baloney.

How does an attorney sleep?

First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.

How many lawyer jokes are there?

Only one. The rest are true stories.

How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?

How many can you afford?

If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could save
only one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?

What did the lawyer name his daughter?


What do you call a lawyer gone bad?


What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50?

Your Honor.

What do you throw to a drowning lawyer?

His partners.

What does a lawyer use for birth-control?

His personality.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?

The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles.

What's another difference between a lawyer and a vulture?

Removable wing tips

What's the difference between God and a lawyer?

God doesn't think he's a lawyer.

Why does California have the most lawyers in the country and New Jersey have the most toxic waste sites?

New Jersey got first choice.

A young brunette goes into the doctor's office and tells him that her
body hurts wherever she touches it.

"That's very unusual," says the doctor. "Show me."

She takes her finger and pushes on her elbow and screams in agony. She then pushes on her knee and screams; pushes on her ankle and
screams. And so it goes.

No matter where she touches, her agony is apparent.

The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette, are you? You're really a blonde." She sheepishly admits that she is indeed a blonde.

"I thought so," he says. "Your finger is broken."

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1st: why does it have to be so long

2nd:what does this have to do with Friday?

pretty funny otherwise, where did you find these jokes or are they original?

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1. It doesn't have to be. Just read until you have had enough.

2. Friday - end of work week - time to celebrate - jokes to kick it off!

3. No, I did not make them up. Passed around on email. Just thought I'd share.

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You should put some lines under 1/3rds of it, his eyes flip off the page unless you set him a decent brake to stop them.

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Lizardcommando said:


This is hardly the longest thread ever. Deadnail made threads, hell, POSTS longer than this thread.

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