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StevenC21

How are other people emotionally?

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Hi. I'm @StevenC21, and I feel empty inside. But that isn't the purpose of this thread.

 

How are you fellow Doomers doing? Happy, sad, empty, or something entirely different?

 

I don't expect any responses.

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Posted (edited)

The years seem to be getting worse and worse for me. People keep dying in horrifying and tragic ways. It just doesn't seem to affect me like it used to. All these posts about so and so celebrity dying... its just difficult to care about someone I don't know when those close to me are just dying. Those that don't die... probably have fates worse than death. I stopped hanging out with friends because so many people have died its become comedy. "Who died this time?"

 

I even spoke with a pastor about it with the darkest death. I told him I doubt I could feel any worse. Then he explained oh God will always find a way to make you feel worse. That's true. I should be happy only specific close people died rather than even closer people. There's just so much more to lose and worry about it. The fact that all these deaths and horrific accidents that have happened in the past 3 years were just so random.

 

With that said it could be worse... I have an ex whose entire family died in a chartered plane crash flying to attend a funeral. Why wasn't she on board? 3 seats left and her family has 4 people.

 

On the plus side I got to drive on a single lane, hilly, cliff road that no one snow bothered plowing in a 2 wheel drive vehicle. The 20 minutes were so bad I had nightmares that woke me every 10 - 15 minutes. Its funny I never dream, but you don't forget the time when you reach the top of a winding, snowy hill... and the vehicle begins to slide backward. All the way backward. See I wasn't fearing having to slide backward down a hill with a winding road... I feared the fact that at the bottom of the hill was a 90 degree turn with a cliff and no guard rail over a ravine. I was fine to handle it in a calm way... but it was the YELLING from my elderly aunt that made it more stressful. We survived. As a grave foreshadowing, before we even reached the unplowed stretch of road, there were 2 cars in ravines. 1 was getting craned out as we drove by.

 

While that's more of an experience... its emotional for me considering I have nightmares from it now, but they'll pass. We made it.

 

I am so dead inside. I don't even understand how people still feel I'm the fun, positive guy to be around, but we all put on our happy faces and help those with emotional problems while ignoring our own. Another good reason to stop hanging out with friends. I just can't handle their petty shit problems anymore.

Edited by geo

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@geo

Quote

 I just can't handle their petty shit problems anymore.

Funny thing. Thats what my friends said to me. Then said they liked me. Then said they needed a break. Then said they hated me and wanted me to kms. Note that these were the people that I confided in with all my insecurities, and they ultimately used them against me so I felt awful. So yeah, life sucks for both of us.

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Posted (edited)
11 minutes ago, StevenC21 said:

@geo

Funny thing. Thats what my friends said to me. Then said they liked me. Then said they needed a break. Then said they hated me and wanted me to kms. Note that these were the people that I confided in with all my insecurities, and they ultimately used them against me so I felt awful. So yeah, life sucks for both of us.

I'm the person keeping friendships alive. I've proven it when I opt not to call or hang out with people... they don't call me.

 

Each time I do a toast to the mirror with mouthwash I always drink "to the pain."

 

Time to go have a better conversation by being a dork in other threads.

Edited by geo

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@geo Exact same here. I decided to test how much my friends liked talking to me. I didn't text anyone for a week, during a period in which we wouldn't be seeing each other, but would be able to text freely... Nobody said a word. Their excuses were "I was just busy". But that was bs.

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It would probably be the same thing in my case as well, but I think we need to make our place. Even though I like some times to stay in the obscurity.

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24 minutes ago, geo said:

Another good reason to stop hanging out with friends.

 

There's no good reason to isolate yourself, that will only make you feel worse. It depends on who you open up to, but when I tell certain people about my PTSD, my TRUE friends have been nothing but warm and supportive toward me about it. 

 

Used to be years where I would cry every single day. At least I can say in 2017 the suicidal thoughts started to go away and I wasn't breaking down and crying like I used to. It's been months since I last even cried out of misery. Maybe time finally healed all wounds or maybe I've just learned to better manage my PTSD. Either way I wish the same for you, it's a hard thing to get over.

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3 minutes ago, Neurosis said:

 

There's no good reason to isolate yourself, that will only make you feel worse. It depends on who you open up to, but when I tell certain people about my PTSD, my TRUE friends have been nothing but warm and supportive toward me about it. 

 

Used to be years where I would cry every single day. At least I can say in 2017 the suicidal thoughts started to go away and I wasn't breaking down and crying like I used to. It's been months since I last even cried out of misery. Maybe time finally healed all wounds or maybe I've just learned to better manage my PTSD. Either way I wish the same for you, it's a hard thing to get over.

I honestly feel better. I get more done. I don't have to put up with drama or listening to other people smother me with their issues. Maybe if I had better friends I'd feel different. Jim Carrey even did an interview saying how addictive isolation is because you don't have to deal with anyone's shit.

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Back in high school I decided "fuck it" and dropped out and isolated myself for years. The most social contact I had was online through text. It messed up my social skills so bad that I couldn't hold a conversation in real life. Maybe that's just me being an idiot but I felt like extreme isolation messed up my mind for awhile there. Once I was being more social, even with people I didn't consider friends, then I felt more "alive" in a sense. Just go and find some chill people to hang out with even if they're not "friends". Places like bars with arcade machines and stuff. 

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1 hour ago, StevenC21 said:

Hi. I'm @StevenC21, and I feel empty inside...

and

47 minutes ago, Mayhem666 said:

Tbh, I don't even know how to feel. Sometimes I wonder if I am happy or not...

I think it's healthy to not know how to feel, or rather to avoid self-evaluation so much. If you try to live an honest, kind life, you are a good person, and you're doing the best you can do. There's no need to evaluate: You already know you're doing what you can do. Here's a saying I try to live by:

"Do your best, fuck the rest."

 

16 minutes ago, geo said:

The years seem to be getting worse and worse for me...

 

I am so dead inside. I don't even understand how people still feel I'm the fun, positive guy to be around, but we all put on our happy faces and help those with emotional problems while ignoring our own. Another good reason to stop hanging out with friends. I just can't handle their petty shit problems anymore.

Your friends might be dumping their problems onto because they see you as an understanding guy. You are supporting them in their times of weakness. With good friends, this is a 2-way street, and you should be able to share some of your issues with them, and find some comfort doing so. This is not always a bad thing to do.

 

As far as the personal tragedies go, I will not tell you to cheer up, man up, or whatever. Life is unfair. I don't believe it was ever meant to be fair.

 

But, I'll tell you something a friend told me once when I was down, which really moved me and helped me. I was complaining about the unfairness of life. He said:

"Yep, life sucks. But, it's the best gig going." He was right.

 

11 minutes ago, geo said:

I'm the person keeping friendships alive. I've proven it when I opt not to call or hang out with people... they don't call me.

 

Each time I do a toast to the mirror with mouthwash I always drink "to the pain."

and

6 minutes ago, StevenC21 said:

@geo Exact same here. I decided to test how much my friends liked talking to me. I didn't text anyone for a week, during a period in which we wouldn't be seeing each other, but would be able to text freely... Nobody said a word. Their excuses were "I was just busy". But that was bs.

I'm not sure in this case, but I can say that this type of thing is usually misinterpreted, in the worst way. @geo and @StevenC21: You guys might be the only people that are initiating communications. Your friends might not be capable of getting in contact with you, or anyone they look up to. For example, people that feel guilty about something traditionally cannot face the people they love, which is usually misunderstood. It is possible that you guy's phone calls were the best thing that happened to your friends (though they won't admit it). For an experiment, believe that the scenario I presented is true, for, say, a week. Then make some more phone calls, I try to find out what's going on, with an open mind. Your friends may open up to you, and you may end up helping them through a dark time.

 

Then again, *good* friends are very hard to come by. Many people are weak and half-ass, and generally semi-honest. That's not a reflection on you. You can't change anyone. But you can change how you experience the world - that is your choice, 100%. I suggest striving to see the good. When I'm down, I can go outside and watch the squirrels and birds and trees, and marvel at their beauty and perfection. There *is* good in the world, if you're brave enough to look for it, and accept it as good. It's easy to see the bad, but it takes courage and strength to see the good. That's part of what makes it good. Take care.

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I feel neutral about everything. Ya sure life will hit me in the face for no reason and at the worst time, but what can I do?

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I haven't had friends I keep in contact with since high school. Not that I desire it anymore.

 

Close deaths suck, just remember to celebrate what made that person special and stand out.

 

Nothing matters, and that's a wonderful thing.

 

And finally, to answer the OP's question, I have BPD, so my mood is a constantly changing rollercoaster. Right now, I'm neutral. Feeling empty sometimes shouldn't be deemed abnormal imo. Sometimes there is no reason to feel anything, and in a weird way, that in itself is still feeling something.

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Posted (edited)

Well i am an incredibly narcissistic individual who doesn't trust anyone (I only trust my parents and brothers) and who also has been going through a nightmare since winter 2015 (thanks cold wind for that) how do you think do i feel like?Well to be honest i feel great! (No seriously)

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Emotions are for the weak! I am a stone cold asshole... well not really...

 

But seriously, these days I don't seem to care or be bothered by much. Honestly there's only one thing I really care about in this world and it's my parents. They are really all that I have (besides material bullshit but that doesn't count). Things that do end up bothering me usually piss me off more than they make me sad. Most people might cry or feel saddened by some tragedy, I just get pissed that it happened or that it was allowed to happen and demand justice.

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1 hour ago, kb1 said:

I think it's healthy to not know how to feel, or rather to avoid self-evaluation so much. If you try to live an honest, kind life, you are a good person, and you're doing the best you can do. There's no need to evaluate: You already know you're doing what you can do. Here's a saying I try to live by:

"Do your best, fuck the rest."

this seems like an excellent way to justify ignoring personal faults and end up being the exact opposite of a good person

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1 hour ago, kb1 said:

I think it's healthy to not know how to feel, or rather to avoid self-evaluation so much. There's no need to evaluate

 

I would disagree. The word of the year for me already is "mindfulness". So for example, if someone is meditating, they might be mindful of how they're feeling or how their body feels at the moment. Why? Because deep introspective searching of yourself can be a good thing. You need to know yourself, because if you don't even know yourself then who will know you? 

 

I think a reason so many of us are feeling this way because we're only experiencing "surface reality" and we actually crave more than that. I might get a little esoteric here, so forgive me but...I think what most of us really WANT and need is something beyond the flesh. I'm not talking about religion, but rather, I'm talking about spirituality. Someone on here mentioned how they don't really attend the christian church anymore and now they're seeking spiritualism in more powerful ways. Why? because religion (a thing of this world) doesn't work, as most things of the world don't seem to work. I look at celebs and they have beauty and money and it's still not enough now is it? Yet everyone keeps telling us that's what we need to strive for? 

 

Your emotions are connected to your soul. Same goes for if you're a clumsy person. If you're not physically balanced then you're not spiritually balanced, and same goes for emotional balance.

 

Well even if you don't believe in all that...meditation DOES seem to help.

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Ever since the divorce last year my emotional range seems to have simply shrunk. I wouldn't even call it a good or bad thing, it just is what it is - I still experience the whole spectrum of emotions but seemingly with a lot less intensity. I'm not depressed or anything, I still feel pretty good when I'm around friends or doing something fun, but I feel like I'm turning into more of a jaded asshole as time goes on. I notice moments where I'm being kind of thoughtless or saying some (unintentionally) douchey shit and the little 'mental exercise' of improving my discourse that I used to be happy to do consistently now just tends to feel like some bullshit I can't be bothered with. Sounds pretty wholly bad when I put it this way but on the flipside, I feel a lot less emotionally fragile than I used to as well. It's give and take... or something.

 

tl;dr - I've had a lot more "fuck it" and "wgaf" moments than ever before

 

It's interesting to see how everyone's holding up and the various struggles each of you are facing. Some are doing a bit better than others, some are being dealt a seemingly shitty hand. Hang in there, all of you. Shit's tough, but it is undeniably the better option to remain strong through the hardest times and come out the end of a hellish period of your life as a more well-rounded individual. There's often a lot of learning to be had in horrible situations.

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For the last two weeks life has been hell and I am still inconsolable.

 

I miss her so much ;_;

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24 minutes ago, Doomkid said:

I'm not depressed or anything,

I would actually try and talk about a therapist about this. Depression isn't just full-on negative emotions at all times, and varies greatly between those with it - emotional numbness is a very common symptom as well, as well a dwindling motivation for a lot of things.

 

You might be right and it could just be something else, but when people neglect to talk about mental health to the extent of modern society, it's incredibly easy to think a mental illness is "just how life goes" even when it's really bad. I know from experience - I've accepted a lot of things as normal mental behavior, and, hell, while my memory's too shitty to know for sure, I'm almost certainly been an ass to people for talking about their own issues by just claiming "they're what everyone goes through."

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Posted (edited)

Most I've appreciated a forum post in a while, maybe because topics this heavy usually don't come up. "Emotional numbness and dwindling motivation" sums it up aptly. I've sorta been writing off seeing a therapist as unnecessary because "that's just how life is" but maybe I should consider it more seriously - I do not want my motivation to continue to drop as it has been. Turning it over in my mind, I can foresee things potentially getting far worse long-term if I don't stop the current trajectory.

 

Thanks for sharing your perspective.

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Often I find myself not knowing what I want to do, when I have no plans made. Unfortunately, everything I do out of my initiative tends to be deep in the comfort zone (reading, coding EE, mapping, learning a language). The main problem with all of these is that they involve sitting too long in one place, and that's unhealthy. Exciting stuff, involving meeting people, is usually arranged by other parties, out of my control. So I feel like my life is not really in my control.

 

Basically rational me wants to sit home and learn new things. But emotional me also wants the unpredictability of going out more. Unfortunately, I only have fine control over the rational part of me.

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Posted (edited)

Too much depresso in a single thread. Will try to balance it out :)

 

I feel strangely happy most of the time, and I put "strangely" because apparently according to the internet that is not a valid emotion and I should feel guilty for being this or doing that, and honestly, nah, I know my shit. No single human can guilt-trip me, blackmail me, intimidate me, seduce me, and instead of feeling bad about it, I feel strong.

 

Thing is, modern society had unwillingly set standards for "the perfect human", and everyone who doesn't/cannot reach the standards feels bad. Before, if someone had a limited emotional output, he would be the "rock-strong" one, who in the middle of crisis could gather his shit and pull a power move. Someone with excess feelings usually was a "artist" of some sort, either literally, or in some field/technique. Point was, before, you felt how you felt, and if people gave you shit for it, it would be their issue. Nowadays, someone has limited emotional output, people like to put disorders on him, while unintentionally making him feel left out. Same with Mr. Excess. If you wanna be "normal", you have to achieve this balance which some people just cannot without usage of these or those drugs/sustances/foods/whatever, and this is where people freak out "Why am I not feeling the same as these people?", "Is this normal?" and so on and so on. But, in ignorance lied hope, like "Huh, maybe my happiness lies elsewhere?"(and usually did, if not, atleast heckuva journey), but in these days, people just like to say "nah, yo happiness isn't anywhere else, you are entirely wrong". Now, people just apparently have a answer for everything, soiling the ground with depressos to pop out once they had grown.

 

Enough about that, now about me. I might have a down or two, but most of the time I feel fine. Not right now, currently, under tons of stress by college and parents, but that is just a riddle that needs a solution. Good way through on it, so, yay? Kinda feel proud for being determined and sticking to my diet, lost 10 kilos just before Christmas, so woohoo! I do feel a bit weird since I cannot hang out with anyone atm and there is studying pressure. But when I engage with art or games, I feel happy/satisfied/intrigued/inspired or all at once. It isn't a issue of "where does my happiness lie?", I know exactly where it is, but that doesn't neccesarily mean the mission is over. I have to ride on, determination kinda runs in my bloodline (and old-people-diabetes for every third generation, eh, Our Lord gives, Our Lord takes, it would be OP otherwise), so lemme fetch my horse, some travelling supplies, a heavy sabre, an arquebus, and a map. Of course, its all metaphorical, although I would love this was real.

 

Am I a ticking bomb or a unsung hero? A wandering hajduk or just a fool? Either way, better to find that out instead of moping around and doing nothing IMHO.

 

EDIT: Pressed reply way too soon, so had to edit.

Edited by Battle_Korbi

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I can only feel surface-level mirth as cover for unending sadness with a smouldering, impotent rage at its core.

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