Status Replies posted by StevieWolfe
Long time lurker here and know I don't have any major connections or relationships with many folks here but I thought it couldn't hurt to reach out.
About 2.5 weeks ago I was diagnosed with testicular cancer and ended up having the affected one removed. Looks like spread was probable to one of the lymph nodes and I'm looking at Chemo and possibly another surgery (major) to remove the affected lymph node near my kidney. There is a full write up on my campaign of everything that has happened so far.
As we all know, bills like this are unexpected and are crazy expensive and thought I'd post this if anyone was interested in donating to my campaign. Every dollar helps and I can't express my gratitude enough.
At any rate, thanks for reading this folks. Doom On!
What would I use? I run a site for my different YouTube and music suttf, but I've never done forums before, and the options Wix offers for their free sites just suck and are not what I want/need.
How are you, gentlemen!
I am having some relationship issues, so naturally, instead of talking them through with my girlfriend, I'm going on the Doomworld forum!
I've been seeing a girl for about six weeks. I really like her. She's got a kind heart, she's extremely loving and she is much more into me than anyone I've ever been out with. But it's getting a bit much. As an aspie, I am not really used to having close romantic relationships and I need a bit of space to process everything that happens when we are together. (This is not the same as the "I need space" excuse people use to end a relationship.)
In a good way, she has turned my life into a bit of a carnival, life is never dull when she's around, she is funny and quirky, it's just that she lives quite a long way from me, life can be a bit TOO exciting when she gets involved, she wants to see me a lot and she calls me several times a day. Sometimes I can't get things done because we're on the phone - she rang as I was taking my trousers down for a dump today. Our conversations can be LONG, eg 90 minutes or more, and I'm often doing something when she calls. I nearly shat myself today.
She has inspired me to get writing again and stick at it; she is going to brush up on Doom mapping to help me get my Panophobia maps done; in short, she is everything I've ever dreamed of in a woman, I just don't always feel I can hack the pace.
So is it me being selfish or a ponce? Or should I find a way to tell her I need some processing time? But how can I tell her this without upsetting her or making her think I want to split up?
EDIT: Sorry, I meant to post this in Blogs to start with.
Aspergers is not a real thing. It's a lack of social skills; nothing more. They might as well assess you as being skinny and unable to bench press 85 pounds and label that a condition as well.
But what really blows my mind is that some people voluntarily diagnose themselves with this fake disease and wear the aspie label with pride. I guess there's nothing like believing you have a condition to absolve you of responsibility of actually improving yourself.
I've remained on the fence about this for a long time mainly because I know many people with Asperger's apparently and I really can't see what the fuck is supposed to be "wrong" with them. I've never been diagnosed with it but I did once ask a friend whom I know was diagnosed an Aspie what the symptoms were and I remember thinking to myself about how I've been going through the same shit for years as they described it to me. Didn't have a lot of friends, was a shut in for years, therefore I developed a huge lack of social skills for the longest time. I literally no reason to have a lot sociability. In my opinion its something environmentally caused for me and others...not something inherent in genetics.
It's not this majorly life destroying thing that some people make it out to be, and I'm really not even sure how it got put into the Autism spectrum of disorders either. Social situations make you clam up and closeness with people weirds you out and makes you anxious sometimes to the point to where you need to leave the situation for a moment. You know for years I thought this was (and in all seriousness IS) quite normal. I can see how for some it can disrupt their lives, but I don't feel that it was right to label social awkwardness its own outright mental illness. I feel that's just laziness on the part of psychological community really because the real issue may lie in a completely different anxiety related disorder.
Just my opinion though. Don't shoot me over it.
I've just gone through my posts on this forum and I feel it necessary to say...
if you knew me from then and were unfortunate enough to come across ANY of my posts... I owe you my absolute sincerest apologies for my astronomical stupidity, and am deeply sorry for any damage to your brain I may have caused from reading them.
On a completely unrelated note... is it possible to delete or change the name of my account on this forum?
I am done with Brutal Doom, after supporting it since 0.7. Got tired of editing all the unbalancing crap with each version and having all the feature creep and the controversy with the N word comment in the older version as well as Mark telling a suicidal person to off themself (if this is verifiable)
My main problem with BD is him constantly adding more stuff to unbalance the gameplay. He's made DoomGuy basically invincible with overpowered you are. To try and counter that all he did was make enemies deal absolutely retarded levels of damange, regardless of what class they are. That doesn't really feel too great to play and doesn't even make a whole lot of sense. There are a few mods that do well to make use of the stuff he's implemented (I've seen a couple of Duke themed mods that looked fucking excellent), but on its own...its just weak.
I don't really care that he said what he said to one kid about suicide only because I'm honestly not all that surprised someone with a literal gore fetish would say some highly off the wall shit. Look at what he devoted the majority of his time to, not DooM itself, but pretty much doing everything he could to make an already bloody game bloodier than fucking hell and using actual images of gore and shit to do so. That means that he spent time scouring the internet and medical sites for pictures of really messed up injuries and stuff just to make some extra sprites, stuff that would normally...make me puke my own guts out. Obviously someone in that shape's got a few too many of their own issues so sympathy to another person's problems really isn't going to his strong point. We've all made gory maps before, not slighting anyone at all for that in and of itself (I know I've done it), but for Mark I really don't think he made BD just to make a super bloody mod...he just has always seemed the type to dwell on fucked up stuff like that and made it as somewhat of an outlet so he didn't have to constantly internalize it anymore. And there's my armchair psychology moment for the day.
The most annoying bug I encounter with the mod, which I've never seen him fix, is this bug where you're basically stuck and cannot move until you've burnt through certain ammo. Example, I started E1M2 and couldn't move right after I spawned into the map. I had to literally burn through all of my bullet ammo and the enigmatically I could move again. I seriously don't even get what would cause that, but since the first version I played of this thing (V16) its been there and its never been fixed and it just seems to happen completely at random during a level start. Shit that is annoying and seriously fuck up a gameplay session.
Just wanted to write about something that I've been mulling over for the past several days. And that is death.
Now death is something not many people want to talk or even think about. It's understandable - it is the end of a person's life (I realize all things die in some way, shape or form but I will keep this centered on us humans). I often think of my own impending death, and it is not the thought of my biological form dying that scares me, it's quite honestly I don't know HOW I will die. I could be hit by a semi going 100 mph down the freeway. I could die silently in my sleep. There are quite a few ways to die naturally, and many more where you die unnaturally. The point is, I don't know. And unless you've been suffering through, say, cancer and are approaching your final hurrah, or you have a death wish of some kind and are contemplating suicide, you won't know until it's that final moment.
It should also be said that even if you did live to say four or five hundred years, eventually your life would come to an end.
Your mortal being will, at some point, die. It is something you should be getting ready for because ever since the day you were born, no, since you were conceived up til this point in what we call time, you've been heading towards death.
And then for the hard question.
And after that...? What?
What happens when we die?
Lots of people think that when you die, that's it, game over, you're done, finished and gone. You'll pass on into an eternity of dreamless sleep and your corpse will rot into the ground to become one with the Earth once more. Lots of others tell of how they died in some way, left their body and passed over into the Great Beyond. The fact of the matter is that only after you die will you know for sure what will happen when you die. For the time being, here in this mortal body on planet Earth, all I can do is wonder about it.
I think of death as an experience, much like being born and being alive are experiences.
Now, personally I would be delighted and in a state of euphoria if when I died and headed towards that fabled light that was a place like Paradise waiting on me. I'd be moved beyond words. But the thing is - I don't KNOW. I don't know for a fact that anything happens when you die.
And that, more than the fact of my approaching death itself, and exactly how I'm going to die, is what scares me. Then too, death has to be looked at like this: suppose that when you die, that's all there is afterwards - nothingness, not that that can imagined by the human mind. Then there would be nothing to be afraid of - you'd dead and that's it. Now, then, if there WAS something after death, some kind of afterlife, who is to say what that afterlife would be like for YOU, you yourself? Would be it good, as in Paradise? Would be it awful, terrible, as in some version of Hell? Once again, all the people who have died and (for the sake of argument) have indeed passed over the Great Divide haven't come back to fill us in.
I just lost my grandmother yesterday. She was a mother to me and helped raise me nearly my entire childhood as such, I don't even know how to feel right now. Most people have a bit of a distance between them and their grandparents, but for me they were my parents in the sense they raised me and such...sorry if this doesn't make really any sense right now. I saw this thread and needed to let that out somewhere.
To contribute something to thread that, I guess I should say that death is an incredibly shitty thing.
I started dating this 8/10 black girl (22 y/o) about a month ago. We slept together 3 times and it was pretty great. I work regular hours and she works retail, so our schedules don't match that often.
Anyway, Thursday was her day off, so she asks me Wednesday if I want to do something Thursday night. I say sure. Thursday afternoon she texts saying that her phone is dying and she wants to know where to meet I'm case she can't contact me. I text back 715 at my apartment building and she says ok.
I wait at the front doors at 710. Eventually 8pm comes and there's no sign of her and no text. I bail back to my apartment. I'm pretty ticked off, but I'm thinking that maybe her phone is dead and she forgot where I live. Still, who has an entire day off and yet can't charge their phone?
Here is the series of texts that took place.
8:08 Not OK
Her 8:57 Sorry I can't make it
8:59 What is not okey
9:13 You decided to text me just now letting me know? I could have done other things
Her 9:53 Is okey if I come after 30 muny
9:53 My sister gave me the night off (sidenote: her story is that she has to sleep in the same bed with her sister every night because her sister's husband is in another city looking for a job and her sister doesn't want to sleep alone)
Her 9:53 Is up u
Her 9:53 I am sorry I had a lot to do (She calls twice, I just let it ring)
Her 10:04 I am outside pick up the phone (sidenote: apparently she showed up thinking she could get a booty call)
I'm at work
Her 11:10 Hi are mad me
Her 11:10 Can I see u before I star work (sidenote: we work at the same mall. That's how we met.)
Her 11:12 How many time I have apology
Her 11:12 I told my phone was dead
Needless to say this biotch is dead to me. It just floors me that anyone can be so immature and oblivious to think that blowing off a date and disrespecting someone's time like that is in any way OK. It's like this behavior is completely normal to her and no guy has called her on this bullshit behavior.
So yeah, I plan on going NC and ignoring all contact from her. Maybe girls can get away with disrespecting other dudes like that, but not me. I'm curious to see what her future attempts to contact me entail, and if there are any I'll post them here.
I need some help winning a local DJ contest. Long story short, I've been spinning in tiny no name venues for really shitty promoters most of my DJ life, and a huge opportunity finally has opened up for me. I need as many likes as possible on the following facebook post in order to win this thing, and that's why I posting this here and asking for help. https://www.facebook.com/gfweird/posts/816646665066266
There's a guy right now with over 2600 likes whose post was 'hidden' because I didn't have see all stories enabled and I'm a little burnt by that slippery sorta crap. I'm sick of my hobby outside of Doom being relegated to inane events with zero turnout run by total buttholes of people, so if I can win this thing it would really mean the world to me right now :)
It appears every time I mention MLP anywhere at doomworld I get into a little fight for mentioning them.
What's so bad in MLP that breaks your nerves? The fandom? The big eyes?
Not to mention my threads that get immediate hatered, and get PH'd right away.
I even found shit like Amon Amarth and other heavier artists on here.
This is a metric fuckton of MIDI files, more than I have ever seen. So far all the music I have played is legit, so it's a grand find for me and others.
When observing with a MIDI editor, most of these songs are complete, having an alternate/multiple alternates and/or incomplete versions (usually drums) next to finished songs.
For the metalheads. Went through just over 3,000 songs and put them separate directories for convenience.
So, other than being an avid marijuana user, my experience with psychoactive substances has been non-existent until recently. A month ago, I had my first tango with mushrooms, ingesting 3.5 grams, then another 2, then at least 2 more after that, over a five hour period, the trip itself lasting some 9-10 hours in total. I write this not to be a braggart, but because I treat this sort of exploration with the utmost seriousness, treating it essentially like a fun academic project. There were some extremely interesting effects, including:
• Overwhelming body sensitivity, to the point of it being mildly uncomfortable.
• Trees turning into fractals and hexagons, with every single leaf and branch being exceedingly clear and sharp.
• Grass and plants pulsating and wavering a bit. At one point, a concentration of bushes took on a cartoonish, demonic appearance, though only superficially.
• My vision being overlaid (mostly indoors) with sketchy H. R. Giger-esque curves and lines on most surfaces.
• Difficulty in drawing, with much of the drawing being heavily abstract. When I would concentrate on the lines, they would bubble, pulsate and breathe.
• Vivid, sudden images of very complex curves and shapes that kind of reminded me of the rocket launcher from Q3A. There were lots of glowing rectangles and complex weaving shapes that looked very retro-futuristic.
• Brief moments of beautiful, uncontrollable, weeping laughter while shooting the shit.
• Closed eyes revealing cascading shapes in the vain of 90s-era screen savers.
• People's faces leaving behind brief after images.
• People with auras.
• Every emotion I've ever experienced, occurring simultaneously.
• Modulation in the pitch of my friend's voice.
• A compulsion, at the last peak, to strip off nearly all my clothes (including my glasses), resulting in my climbing of a tree, where, about 20 feet up, I proceeded to dance and, for the first time in my life, successfully meditate.
• In the weeks following, an almost insatiable need to illustrate, which I have always done, though now with much more frequency than ever.
Yesterday evening, I took a hit of about 40mg of about 90% pure DMT, and the results were quite shocking. In comparison to the mushrooms, this was a much more intense trip, whole thing lasting a few minutes, and included:
• Instantaneous hallucinations that began before the hit could be completed.
• My friend's face projecting beams of repeating facial features at 45 degree angles into infinity.
• His face also glowing intensely, with a smaller imprint of his face in the middle of his original face.
• Ever seen those photoshopped pictures of faces with double eyes/mouths? Yeah, that was happening as well.
• I lost the ability to speak coherently, and desperately attempted to articulate words from my subconscious, resulting in the cryptic phrase, which I said to my friend who had administered the DMT: "I've known you for all these years, until now." Something like that.
• Tree branches turning into intense rows of fractals.
• The entire backyard turned into a cellular playground of moving entities. Every single blade of grass and speck of dirt was part of some intricate ballet of movement and it definitely appeared to be alive.
• Absolute child-like joy, even more so than what the mushrooms provided.
I'll be experimenting with both substances more in the near future, trying out new environments and activities and higher dosages. This is not for fucking around with. I think it's absolutely tragic that some people just goof off with them instead of examining what happens (while still having fun). Perhaps best of all is that I'm (very slowly) starting to address certain aspects of my bipolar/ADD/depression issues thanks to the bizarre changes in perspective and thought processes. Not that I wasn't already making progress, but these experiences are contributing positively for sure.
Never experimented with psychedelics, but I had my run in with Hydrocodone and such for a time. I've been clean from that for about a year now, but I will mirror what others have said...music can really alter the effects you have depending on the chemical you've taken.
For me, music like Hammock (look them up, they're great music even without 'enhancements'), took me practically into another universe. It was the most calming and enlightening experience that I had ever had up until that point. My body felt numb, yet vibrated to certain bass intonations, and normal anxieties had been thrown completely to the wayside. I could go into more detail if people wanted me to, but I'm not exactly proud of having done this really...
I'm creating a new band, and I came up with a name: "Void Central".
Only thing is I don't know if I should switch it and make it "Central Void" instead.
So, I don't know, I'll create a poll here and see what you guys think is better.
Yeah I sort of wanted custom title, but what I got was more than what I was asking for.
I guess my behavior was not welcome here.
How could I posibly improve myself in posting?
I have just bought Far Cry 2. This game set in Africa is a game where you have to hunt a gun runner and fight soldiers. The ability to walk and drive vehicles on a 50 km square map is incredible. I am imagining what this game would be like with Doom monsters in a giant African jungle setting. This would be incredible. You could not have too many monsters in each map, but the stealth aspects would make for tense gameplay.
Imagine waiting for a Mancubus to waddle past a gate before sneaking into an enemy base to steal plans would be god tier Doom gameplay. Just replace African men toting G3 rifles with Zombiemen and Revenants. What do you think?
Here is a screenshot: http://www.securitronlinux.com/files/Screenshot0001.png
I have no idea whether I've talked about this before or not, but I've been dating a girl whom I met at work nearly 3 years ago.
We've had some bumpy patches, no different than almost all relationships, but for the most part the relationship is highly functional. There is a fair amount of overlap between our interests. Maybe not so much in terms of life goals. She wants a family, or at least to live with me. I want good times.
On several occasions she brought up the topic of moving in together (she's been living in her sister's house for 4 years, halfway across the city). I said that would only happen if we signed a legal document first, which she said she would never do. I also said that she would have to pay 1/3 of the expenses, which she wasn't happy about. After a while of explaining my reasoning, she seemed to agree that it was fair. (She currently chips in a couple hundred a month to her sister, that's about it, so it's not surprising that she has a hard time facing reality.)
I wasn't sure if I was comfortable with the idea of moving in, though. If she turned into some kind of monster, I'm not sure how easy it would be for me to kick her out. So I decided to offer a "small" commitment to see what effect it had on our relationship. I brought up the idea that the 2 of us should take a weekend trip to Toronto, catch 3 baseball games, hit the nightclubs, maybe edgewalk the CN tower, all my treat. She seemed pretty excited about it, but wanted some time to think. After a week, I asked her if she was still up for it. She said yes.
A few days later, I booked the flights. Then found a decent hotel with a great location and booked that. I let her know that everything was going ahead. Probably a few days later, she asked me "can you cancel the reservation"? Surprised by this, I said not really. The flights can be postponed, but not refunded. "But what if we have an argument?" I basically said there's no point in being negative about it, and you have to be willing to take some chances in life.
In the past few months, we've had a lot of fun. I've taken her on two snowboarding trips, and most weekends she's here where the two of us play Diablo II and Ticket to Ride.
But things this weekend were simply too much for me to handle.
I invited her over Thursday night to play Diablo II. She insisted that I take the bus to her house to come get her that night. This is a recent habit of hers which is somewhat annoying to me. It's not a safety issue or anything. She just feels it's more "fair" if I come get her since I don't have a car. It's a 45 minute bus ride for her, but it's a nearly two-hour bus ride round-trip for me. That's a huge chunk of my evening, and precludes me from doing other things such as cooking/exercise/laundry. She asks me where my grocery bags are. (???!). I said I didn't bring them, why? She said "Oh, I thought you needed groceries tonight." I needed a couple of things, but nothing that couldn't wait til the weekend. "Oh, I thought you were getting groceries, that's why I asked you to come! You didn't need to come get me if you weren't getting groceries!" Sidenote: She definitely did not give any indication that she was willing to come over if I didn't escort her.
More than a little annoyed at this point. I stew for a while, but by the time we get back to my place, I've pretty much let it go.
So we play Diablo II for an hour, maybe two. I get to the point where I can barely stay awake, so I lay down for a few minutes. She protests. "Let's beat Andariel, then we can go to bed." I summon the energy and we finish the act.
Friday, we play off and on. I want to switch up the activities and watch a little TV, but she wants to continue playing Diablo II. She's becoming more and more assertive with her demands. At this point, I'm caving maybe half the time, and doing what I want the other half.
We spend maybe another hour or 2 that afternoon on Diablo II. I said I'm getting tired of being inside all day, and maybe we should go out. She thinks about it and decides it's a good idea. So we take the bus to The Keg, where we enjoy a meal that we both find excellent - steak, iceberg salad, calamari, and cider. We're both having a great time.
We get back and play another 2 hours, and I'm once again worn out for the day. I say I'm just not up for it anymore tonight. She protests, and after losing the argument, she curls up on the couch and goes to sleep.
She stays there the whole night.
Saturday afternoon, after maybe another hour of playing, I say I'd like a 5 minute nap. Severe whining and complaining ensues. I say "Why can't you just give me 5 minutes?" She responds that we've hardly been playing, this is the whole reason she came here, and I've had plenty of rests already. I'm really getting annoyed at this point, so I ignore her. Literally 5 minutes later, maybe not even that, she says "Let's play!" I still haven't shaken off the drowsiness.
I decided I've had enough. I said I don't want to play with her if she's going to give me such a hard time about it. She enters insta-pout mode, plugging in her headphones loading up Netflix on her laptop. She spends the next 3 hours watching some TV show.
Around 5pm, she finishes her season of whatever on Netflix and accounces that she's hungry. Leftovers? No, she wants KFC. Knowing they charge ridiculous delivery fees and give crap value for the money even without delivery, I offer to take the bus to the grocery store a grab some chicken and salad, a 1-hour trip. I get back. We eat.
Then she says that we haven't been playing enough. This is pretty much when TSHTF. I tell her that she's acting like a princess and I'm tired of her entitled attitude. She says something along the lines of "you don't care about me anyway". I mentally freak out, but manage to keep my composure. I explain all the ways I've shown her how I care for her recently. She says she doesn't like the fact that I'm "keeping count". And that what I've done is nothing special, and that where she comes from, men are expected to take care of women in that fashion.
At this point I basically start destroying her arguments and pointing out every little bit of hypocrisy in what she's saying. She evades every one of these by changing the subject as much as possible. She mentions how bad I made her feel one time when I said her perfume was too strong and I didn't like it. I explain that it's no different than the time she complained about me wearing a sweaty shirt after coming back from the gym. I said there's a reason why they ask people not to wear strong perfumes in public places. She says the two are completely different, that sweat is offensive and perfume is not.
I point out all the commitments I've made and things I've done for her recently, including having a personalized jersey made for her to wear on our trip. She say "What, are you saying you want me to buy things for you too? You want me to take you on vacations?" I tell her that's not what I want at all. What I would like is for her to be considerate enough to let me rest when I feel tired. I tell her that I do 20 times for her what she does for me, and she's still unwilling to let me have a few breaks now and then.
The argument degrades to the point where I feel like I'm talking to a 12 year old, then a 5 year old, and then finally a 3 year old. I reach my limit and finally leave the room. She marches after me and insists that we talk. I say that I don't know what there is to talk about.
She stands there for a few seconds, and then announces that she's not going on any trip with me. This is a trip where I've basically committed $3000, pretty much all non-refundable. I mentally say fuck it, and go to bed.
Sunday morning I'm still pissed off to the point of utter silence. The dishes have been piling up for days, and I point this out. It's kind of an unmentioned understanding that she takes care of the dishes when she's eating my food and sleeping in my bed. She says that it hurts for her to stand because she has a stomach pain. I just shake my head. She finally storms off to do the dishes, and halfway through she sits down and starts sobbing. What I see is so beyond pathetic that I have absolutely nothing to say.
After she's done, at 11am, she asks me if I want to talk. (I need to leave at 11:30 for a practice.) Again, I say I don't know what there is to talk about. She again states assertively that she's done and she's not going on any trip. I leave at 11:30. She leaves probably at 12.
No contact since.
I guess I should be thankful that I made a relatively "small" commitment. Now I know how she treats someone when she's given any upper hand whatsoever.
And likely enough, she will come back apologizing in a few days. She'll probably go on the trip with me, which is a very important event for me by the way. It will be the first time I've ever been at a baseball game, and the seats I got us are quite amazing.
Still, the very fact that she would threaten to ruin this trip for me is pretty much a deal-breaker. I can't see us going anywhere other than our separate ways once we return, assuming she really is a decent enough person to come along.
Yea, I had a scuffle with some asshole on Youtube flagging a video simply because they do not like it and I argued how they would feel being false flagged themselves (a measly 3 videos). However I got a reply saying they would do the same to me, despite I did not stoop to their low level of idiocy.
I doubt this person has the time to try and fake flag over 680 videos.
What exactly could I do if I have some videos removed from fake flagging despite none violate the rules of Youtube?
So 6 weeks ago I had my first date in probably 7 months. I posted a blog about my 2010 where I had dates with 24 women. The date went good as 2 people who aren't into each other can go. In the end she told me she felt like I was best friend material. Then she told me I'd be perfect for her friend.
Well that was 6 weeks ago... haven't seen or spoken to her again. At 9 pm on a Saturday she sent me a text... Hey its X. how r u? i have a friend who would be perfect for you, I really want you two to be happy.
I'm surprised she'd still have my number, but maybe after 6 weeks this means this friend of hers is now single. It just seems really weird. I wrote her back saying no thanks. I'm good.