geekmarine

Ever have an idea for something that someone else ends up turning into a reality, completely independent from you? The minecraft thread in EE reminded me of a weird thing - back in 2006 or so, I had an idea for a game that basically was Minecraft. I even started work on a prototype. The game was set on a randomly generated island, and the idea was that you were stranded there and had to figure out how to survive. This involved collecting resources to build things. For instance, you needed to sleep every night, so you had to collect wood to build a shelter. You also needed to collect food to replenish your hunger meter. I then had the idea that you could build other things - for instance, wood could also be used to build bridges to cross bodies of water, or tools to hunt and defend yourself from predators.

Now, my idea never got far... I never even implemented the animals and weapons I had planned, but I had the basics of collecting wood, building shelters, and even bridges, as well as figuring out how to randomly generate an island. But even then, looking at it, it amazes me how much Minecraft reminds me of my own idea. There are differences, to be sure - while you could build things in my game, it wasn't to the same degree of freedom - you couldn't, say, dig up stones and build a fortress, or a giant penis statue. Also, my game was in 2D and played more like the Legend of Zelda. But still, I find it interesting that someone essentially took my initial idea and actually expanded it into a full game, and really it was kind of along the lines of what I was aiming for - having the initial goal being of survival, but also having the freedom to do pretty much whatever you wanted. I just thought it was kind of funny how somehow I ended up with the game I had wanted all along, even though I'm 100% positive my game did not influence the creation of Minecraft in the slightest (mostly 'cause I never even really told anyone about my idea).

I had an NES when I lived in Minnesota - honestly, I've had an NES most of my life - but when I had to move down here, I didn't have really have much of an opportunity to pack thanks to my illness, so I lost most of my thing. Well, it really meant a lot to me, and I was sad to lose it, but last weekend my sister dragged me to a con, and while it wasn't exactly spectacular, I did manage to make one pretty sweet purchase. Probably paid a little more than I shoulda, but considering the paint job, and factoring in shipping costs for if I had ordered one online, I think it was worth it.

No games yet, as the prices they were charging for games at the booth were ridiculous (though I realize that honestly, no matter where you shop these days, NES game prices have gone up in recent years). However, I have managed to order Super Mario Bros. 1 and 3, TMNT (yes, the original, the crappy one with the horrible dam level - what can I say, nostalgia is a powerful force), and Marble Madness.

Is there a word to describe the feeling of being upset that you stopped caring about a loss in your life? Just kinda wondering aloud to myself here. Like, you know, you have a bad breakup, or you find yourself having to move, and for the longest time, it's all you can think about - and then one day, you just don't even care that it's gone, and yet for some reason that in itself bothers you. I don't even know if that makes sense - either the emotion itself or my ability to explain it, but it's just been on my mind. Thought of an old girlfriend and realized I may never see or hear from her again, and then realized I don't care, and then realized that the fact that I don't care just doesn't sit right with me.

So several months ago, my legs basically gave out on me. Out of the blue, I had developed a rare nervous disorder known as Guillain-Barré Syndrome. This occurs when your white blood cells decide to spaz out and attack your nervous system. Fortunately, I was hospitalized quickly (yet stubbornly against my wishes - I was convinced nothing serious was wrong with me), and was treated before the condition spread - it starts in your legs, but eventually works its way upward, sometimes even getting as far as your lungs and causing you to stop breathing.

Let me say... moving back in with your parents when you're friggin' 30 sucks ass... Especially when you have to literally move thousands of miles in the process and abandon the city that was once your home. All told, though, I should be incredibly grateful to have such loving parents and to have people to take care of me in such a dire situation. It's one of those things where, you realize that whatever you lost, you're reminded of what you still have, which is a seriously bitchin' family that has your back.

The real point, though, was I just wanted to brag about how much better I'm doing (yeah, I normally don't like to brag, but eh, I feel entitled). I've still got bad pain in my legs, but I've built myself up to being able to walk several miles a day, which is no small feat given the circumstances. I'm also in the middle of applying to grad school, so we'll see how that turns out. As cliche as it may sound, I guess the real point is that I'm realizing how amazing my life is after having so much taken away - I mean sure I hate my circumstances, but I'm so thankful to have a loving family to take care of me, and this seeming setback may actually be a push forward in my life, what with grad school and all.

Oh wow, that was weird. Last night, I had a dream pertaining to Doom, which is odd because I honestly can't remember the last time that's happened to me. Like seriously, it's been at least a solid decade. Anyway, the basic setup for my dream was that the community was doing a new megawad project - the theme was clever and creative use of Zdoom's modding capabilities. There weren't really any rules, the idea was just for each level to really show off what Zdoom can do in its current iteration.

Funny thing is, I've never done any modding for Zdoom specifically in my whole life. Don't know why, I just never got around to learning Zdoom. Maybe the dream was trying to encourage me to try. Or maybe this is some "Field of Dreams" BS where I'm actually supposed to host a Zdoom community project (really hope not, as I have neither the time nor the got-it-togetherness to do such a thing). Either way, just thought it was funny to suddenly have a Doom-related dream after so long, and one about modding and the community to boot. Wonder if it's because I recently fired up Doom Builder again after a long hiatus?

So back in like mid-October, one day, I just woke up and my legs felt incredibly sore, as if I had just gone to the gym and completely over-exercised them. They were incredibly stiff, they hurt a lot, and I could barely put weight on them without them giving out. I went around for about a week with this condition, in constant pain, barely able to walk (since my legs could barely support me, I fell down a lot), before I was finally talked into going to the hospital.

Once in the hospital, I was diagnosed with Gillain-Barre Syndrome, a rare disease in which one's own white blood cells begin attacking the nervous system. The pain and the lack of control over my legs was the result of this. There is no cure, but there are treatments which can speed recovery, which roughly takes 3-6 months, depending.

Anyhow, the whole thing kinda upheaved my life - I basically ended up quitting my job and moving back home with my parents (across the country, mind you) because of the whole deal (couldn't work and could barely take care of myself in the condition I was in). Actually, after my initial treatment in the hospital, I was basically discharged straight to the airport to catch my flight back to Texas. I couldn't even really go back to my apartment and I had a friend do my packing for me.

Good news is, I'm starting to do much better. My legs still hurt a lot, but I've been getting around a lot more easily recently (I've had to use a walker, but I hardly need it now). Soon I should be almost completely recovered (there may be a bit of permanent nerve damage, but likely I should be mostly back to normal once this ordeal is over).

I just wanted to post about this because I'm really excited that I'm making such improvements, and because the whole thing just seems so surreal. Just one day, bam, wake up with an illness I've never even heard of.

So, I've been having a series of related dreams, and it's really got me thinking. Basically, it started with a dream about me meeting this girl and talking, and we decided to go out to eat. After dinner, she said she'd like to hang out again sometime, but wouldn't tell me when. This was followed by another couple of dreams that at first, weren't about her, but then she'd appear. At first, I wouldn't recognize her, or I'd forget her name, or whatever, but it never seemed to bother her, she'd just remind me and then I'd remember the first dream. Anyway, she'd show up and we'd just chat for a while, but the weird thing was, it didn't seem like dream chat. Like, she remembered old topics we talked about, and she'd have things to add to new topics I brought up. Most people in my dreams act scripted, like, they can't follow the conversation if you say something unexpected. There was just something off about the whole thing.

Anyway, last night, I had another dream that started off having nothing to do with her - I just got home when I found that someone had left a letter inviting me to join a hate group in my apartment. I wasn't sure what to do with the letter, especially since they had actually broken in to leave it inside (just basically managed to take advantage of a window with a broken latch), when suddenly she came into my bedroom. Once again, I had no clue who she was at first, but then she mentioned the restaurant we had eaten at, and suddenly those earlier dreams came flooding back to me (though in the dream, of course, I saw them as memories, not dreams).

She said she just stopped by to say hi, and that she'd be back later, and then she left. I woke up and all I could do was think about that dream. I've been thinking about it all day. I started thinking, what with her quirks, the way she acts more like a real person than most people in my dreams, how she keeps showing up, etc., what if she is a real person who did somehow come into my dream? lol I know it sounds silly, and I don't believe it, but it was an interesting thought. I mean, obviously there's nothing here that can't be explained by regular dreaming. It was just, there are certain patterns we come to expect from dreaming (dreams don't generally have sequels, people in dreams generally tend to act a bit off, etc.), but there's no rule that says dreams HAVE to follow those patterns, and when the patterns are broken, we get thrown off.

So I just woke up from a short nap, and had the most terrifying experience of my life. Well, I'd probably qualify that, I've probably had more terrifying experiences, but it definitely shook me to the core. Basically, after sleeping for oh, 30 minutes or so, I suddenly jolted up and had absolutely no memories of who I was, where I was, or how I got there. I basically had total amnesia. It only took me about a minute or so to piece things together and get my memory back, but for that minute, I felt more lost than I've ever been in my entire life. In the end, I was safely in my bed in my apartment, but geez, that time spent staring at my room and everything in it, with no memory of any of it, no memory of even my name or where I came from, it was just terrifying. My mind was racing and I was in a total panic trying to figure out what was going on. Even when some vague memories came back, it still didn't help much - I remembered my family, which led me to think I must be in my sister's house. She doesn't have a house, but remembering my sister made me think I was there. It also led me to thinking I was in Texas, not Minnesota, because my family lives in Texas.

Ugh, I'm glad it's over, but man was that just about the freakiest thing that's ever happened to me.

So, I've recently gotten involved with Twitter... Not posting, mind you, I primarily just use it for keeping up to date with a few Internet celebrities I follow... well, IRL celebrities too, but this is mainly about Internet celebrities. I got into Twitter because it kept me updated on people I followed who'd posted new videos, and it was fun to see their random thoughts, as well.

Recently, however, a person I followed on Twitter basically had a complete meltdown. I sympathize with him, and I understand what led up to it, but at the same time, all I can think is, "If I had just not followed him on Twitter, I'd be blissfully unaware of all of this." And really, I don't care about his personal problems, or at least I don't need to know about them. I love his movie and video game reviews, but I don't want to get involved with his personal life.

It's not that I don't have sympathy - he's had hard times, and he suffers from clinical depression. I get that. It's just, all I can think is, if it weren't for Twitter, I wouldn't be emotionally caught up in his problems, and while that sounds horrible, I think that's appropriate when dealing with even minor celebrities. I just keep thinking that in some way, the Internet is ruining that concept.

So it's summer, and since I work in a school, I have a lot more free time now. Only problem has been trying to determine how to spend that free time. To put this in context, for a while now, I've been kind of angsty about video games - I dunno, just always felt there was something better I could be doing with my free time, and so I hadn't been able to enjoy them as much. Like seriously, the moment I picked up a game, I had this sinking feeling that I should be doing something else, and so I pretty much gave up on games. After a couple of weeks to adjusting to the increase in free time, though, I slowly found myself getting back into the gaming habit. In fact, in the past couple of weeks, I've beaten three games (Mirror's Edge, CoD 2, and finally got around to finishing the first season of Sam and Max), and I'm hoping to conquer more (tired of having a collection of half-finished games lying around).

However, there's still the little niggling question in the back of my head of whether or not I should be using my time better. To be clear, I'm not, say, forsaking my friends for video games, and I am regularly getting out of the apartment, so it's not like I'm a shut-in. I just feel that maybe I should have a more productive hobby, not that I entirely know what that means. Like, I guess, for instance, I have a friend who wrote a book in his free time, and is currently trying to get it published. Then again, it's not like I have anything to write about. Not that the hobby has to be writing a book, but I dunno, something where I'd have something to show for it, like back when I used to write games in Qbasic or map for Doom. Or maybe make videos for youtube or something. But then, I don't feel an ounce of creativity or inspiration on any of those areas.

So anyway, the question's just been pestering me. Am I missing something, or should I just stop overanalyzing it and just have fun.

So I was taking the bus home from work today, and there was this woman in the back with her toddler. I think he was fidgeting in his seat or something, because she kept telling him to sit still. Point is, he was clearly doing something that was only a bother to the woman herself. Finally, she got tired of constantly telling him, so she spanked him. Great, so now we go from a fidgety kid who was only bothering his mother to a crying kid who's disturbing the whole bus. I'm thinking, "Great, lady, did you really have to do that? Seriously." And this kid was really bawling, too. It wasn't any of this "softly sobbing" business, it was full-on top-of-his-lungs waterworks. Just when I think the situation can't get any worse, she proceeds to start screaming at this kid at the top of her lungs to shut up. Way to go, lady, you're officially now more grating than the little kid you're trying to silence.

Luckily, my stop came up shortly, so I was able to quickly escape the madness. Point is, though, I can't stand parents who do that. Believe me, I know full-well how obnoxious kids can be in public when their parents don't do anything to reign them in, but the only thing I hate more than that are parents who escalate the situation. At least when a kid is being obnoxious, it's just a kid being a kid. My personal feelings toward the situation, though, are that parents are adults, and should therefore know better. I know raising a kid can be stressful, and everyone has their breaking point - yeah, it's inevitable that at some point, any parent's going to just get to the point where they're so fed up that they snap at the child. I dunno, though, there's just something that really bothers me about situations in which the parents are more obnoxious and disruptive than the kids they're trying to control.

Okay, so while walking over to the store to pick up some things, I passed this drugstore parking lot. It was mostly empty, but I noticed one car in the back double-parked, as if someone else pulling into the parking lot would ignore every other space and park right at the back right next to him. That was douchy enough in itself.

However, it got better. I ran into this guy at the stoplight on my way back home. He was going in the same direction I was, but he turned into the drugstore parking lot. I sometimes cut across the parking lot on the way home, so I thought nothing of it. I just happened to glance over, though, and saw him getting into that car. Turns out, not only did he double-park at the back of a nearly-empty parking lot, but he wasn't even at the drugstore, he was at the shopping center across the street. Just totally floored me.

Am I missing something here? It seems like people are always bitching about the education system in America, but I'm baffled by the things people complain about. It seems people are quick to blame the teachers, the schools, the lack of standards, etc., but there's one group that I never hear blamed - the students themselves. I just don't get it - when I was growing up, it was made abundantly clear to me that if I did poorly on a test, it's my own fault, and that I can't blame the teacher if I didn't study or pay attention in class. But these days, all I ever hear about is holding teachers accountable and whatnot, and I just don't get it.

This has especially bothered me since I started working as a teaching assistant in a local high school. I mean, aside from special-needs students, I can always identify the students who will do the worst. They're not hard to spot - they're the ones who always have their cell phones out and texting, they're the ones who never do their work, they're the ones who are always listening to MP3 players during lectures, etc. And that just makes the whole thing seem so absurd to me - we want to go after teachers for poor choices students make? I mean yeah, a good teacher can help encourage students to make the right decision, but you can't force anyone to learn. Believe me, I've tried - but there just really isn't a damn thing you can do about a kid who decides, "You know what? I'm just gonna sit here, do nothing, and fail the class."

Well, I got over my mapper's block, did a bit more mapping, and am very near completing the level I've been working on. Damn, so close yet so far. All I've got left is the monster placement near the end, but I'm starting to get sick of playing through the whole damn thing over and over again (in order to make sure health/ammo is reasonably balanced). And then I've got to readjust everything for different skill levels! ARGH! Oh well, just gotta keep on truckin', I suppose.

Ugh, I have this really great map that I'm working on, and I really want it to be done by the end of summer, 'cause I might not have time to work on it this year. Unfortunately, I can feel Mapper's Block seeping in, and it's driving me nuts! I feel I'm very close to finishing it, but it's that last little bit, you know. ARGH! *BANG* *BANG* *BANG* *BANG* *BANG*

Just venting, 'cause it's really pissing me off. Thank you for your time.

So I've been thinking about the subject of war, and I just can't help but think about something. Recently, there's been an interesting trend. Consider the Star Wars Prequels... An enormous war breaks out throughout the galaxy. Many people valiantly die for the cause, and yet in the end, it turns out that the entire thing was simply a distraction created by Palpatine so that he could take over the galaxy. It really didn't matter how the war came out... The result would have bene the same.

Then I realized that Lord of the Rings is another similar situation. Massive war breaks out in Middle Earth, but the point of the war was not what it seemed. Once again, the victor wasn't important; the point of the war was to provide a distraction so that Frodo could destroy the Ring.

Of course, there are plently of political implications for Bush's current war in Iraq. Is all war like this? Do the powers-that-be simply pull the wool over our eyes, convince us that we're fighting for a cause worth killing or dying for, and simply reap the benefits of their political maneuvers? Of course the more I think about it, the more wars I realize were politically motivated, but is it possible that all wars are? I mean, I have a hard time believing that this is why we fought World War II, for example, but it does raise questions. And it really is a horrifying thought, the fact that some people are willing to send entire armies off to fight and die.

Geez... It's not that I didn't know that many wars were not worth the lives lost, but the thought that the concept of war itself is not just... Well, of course, I've never condoned war, but I always assumed that there were righteous causes out there (survival, etc.) worth fighting for, but now I just can't imagine that to be the case. Wow, I'm really having a "Duh" moment here. Then again, think about how many millions, if not billions, of people there are in the world who don't realize that war is not right.

You know, more and more I've been questioning the whole "so-and-so company is evil" thing... Like, yeah, sure, I guess to some extent many of these companies are evil, but compared to what? Nobody ever points out "Oh, but this mega-corporation is okay." Also, I've noticed that the trend seems to be that as soon as any business becomes big enough, it's automatically labelled as evil. Microsoft, EA, McDonalds, Wal-Mart, etc... Maybe this is because their evilness put them on top, or maybe it's because it's at that point that people begin to notice it. Not that I in any way condone their behavior, but it seems suspicious that the biggest ones are always the ones singled out for attacks. To me it appears that the problem is with the system, not those who use it to their advantage, but I don't know.

So this morning, I wake up, I try to sign onto AIM, only to find out that my account has been terminated. This really sucks! I have no idea why, I received no warnings or anything... I just woke up to find my account was gone. I am so incredibly pissed right now. I mean, sure, if I had done something, it would be understandable, but even then, I would appreciate at least some sort of explanation. But nooooooooo, we can't do that. We are the all-powerful AOL. Bow down before us, bitch! Anyways, I had to go get a new SN this morning (way to go, AOL - if I'm such a troublemaker, why allow me to register a new SN from the same computer with the same e-mail address?). I'm just really upset because I really loved that SN, and it's a big hassle to go add everybody to your new buddy list and to let everybody know that you've changed SNs. ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!

Well, that's it, another year of college down the tube. Because my computer has been safely packed away for the summer, and because we don't have Internet access at home, I may not be posting here for a while. Gosh, I hope I don't miss something marvelous such as Action Doom's release. That would make me very sad. Anyways, hopefully, I'll devote my free time to finishing my latest project, the E1M1 remake I've been working on. If I do, though, I may have to wait until this fall to release it. Well, farewell everyone.

God, don't newbies just piss you off? I'm not going to name names, to avoid starting any fights or something, but some people are just so dense. You know, the kind of person who wants to start a 32-level megawad to learn mapping, or something like that. Really, and the worst part is, people like that don't seem to respond to anything. No matter how many times you tell them what they want to do is impossible, no matter how many times you tell them their levels suck, they'll continue to spew garbage forth across the countryside and go "OMG thsi noo lvel of mine rox!!!1111" How the hell can one be so dense as to not even realize that his mapping skills are absolutely crap, and that he needs to improve them? Some people... I just wanna rip their testicles off with my bare hands, just to ensure that they never reproduce.

...that they should do a remake of Chex Quest with the Doom 3 engine? Give it out with cereal and everying? Personally, I think if they did this, my life would be complete. *drools at though of Chex Quest in Doom 3 engine*

Okay, that's it!!! I've freakin' had it!!! It's bad enough that every time I go to Doomworld, I have to be bombarded with gigantic shockwave ads which are loud and EXTREMELY annoying, but stupid retards at Fox, their ad for "Stuck on You" crashes IE every single freakin' time it comes up. Those freakin' bastards will die a slow and painful death!!! ARGH!!!! WHAT IS WRONG WITH THOSE BRAINDEAD MORONS!!!

Hey, has anyone noticed this before? There seem to be several different dialects of smiley spreading over the Internet. I personally find this extremely fascinating, and a subject worth studying. Well. anyways, I know of at least three. Does anyone know any more? Here are the three I know of.

First, you have your standard smileys.
:) :( :D :O

Then, you have your big-eyed variant.
=) =( =D =O

Finally, there's the ever popular (name escapes me at the moment).
^_^ -_- O.O

So yeah... Okay, this is totally dorky, but I honestly don't care.

Ha!!! I mock you people and your incessant comic making! Therefore, I've decided to make one of my own!!! MWAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Unfortunately, thanks to Geoshitties I can't directly link to it. God I hate Geoshitties.

Anyways, the link is http://www.geocities.com/great_wise_yoda/comic.htm

Goshdarnit, I hate technology. Like the whole thing with CD Keys. Okay, so I just found out that I still need the CD Key for Aliens vs. Predator 2 to play online, and I don't frickin' have it. I haven't even seen the case in God knows how long, and anyways, it's at home and I'm not. This just compounds my frustration at actually having a copy of Half-Life to which I lost the CD Key years ago. What the hell? Why can't having the actual, physical CD in the drive be enough? I am not about to buy another copy of both of these games because the game makers feel the need to punish me for crimes that other people commit. See, this just shows the evils of copy protection. It's the legitimate users who are really hurt by it. God, I could just strangle whoever thought up this crap. I just don't get it. I have the CD, that should be enough. Couldn't they print the CD Key on the label or something? That would make a helluva lot more sense than this crap.