Marnetmar

Excuse any weird formatting, I actually posted this exact same thing on an ADHD subreddit to vent and seek some advice. This is just to vent because this is a community that I enjoy.

I'm 19 years old. Throughout my entire life, focusing on a single task for more than a few minutes has been incredibly difficult. Sitting down to write this post in an complete and well-thought-out way is a struggle. (edit: Thinking about it, this could explain my often less-than-contributional posting) My mind has a constant fog over it at nearly all times, and my thoughts are mindless, jumping from one random idea to another, very rarely linear and coherent. Getting through High School was a miracle for me, I had to take online classes to make up failed credits. I'm now in College with an extremely easy schedule and I'm still not doing very well due to my forgetfulness and lack of mindfulness.

Once in a blue moon, the veil is lifted and I am able to focus on a task such as studying -- and when it happens it's not a matter of "just do it even though it sucks" -- the task of sitting down and working is one of the greatest feelings in the world.

Because of this, important tasks that I need to get done, and want to get done, sit and pile up in the background while I sit, not doing something that I'd rather be doing, but doing "nothing in particular". Not only are necessary tasks affected, so are things that I enjoy. I can't sit and watch a documentary or read a book, even an interesting one, without my thoughts wandering. If I manage to finish doing either one, I come out not with a store of new knowledge, but an assortment of random facts I just happened to absorb that are of little to no actual use to me.

My self-esteem is often times through the floor because the way my life has consistently folded out, with my promises to myself every other week to "get my life together for real this time" never following through, something that hurts not just myself but others as well -- something that compounds even further since I tend to sugar coat things avoid talking to people at all when things aren't going as planned.

I never considered that it might be something that goes beyond pure self-discipline and willpower until recently when I began to gather some bits of information on ADD.

I'm going to be visiting a doctor friday to see if my symptoms match up with a diagnosis. Friday can't come soon enough. Hopefully it will set me on the path to "getting my life together for real this time". I firmly believe that I am capable of doing good things with my life, but there's an invisible barrier that must be broken down first, and it's become abundantly clear over the years that it's not a barrier I can break down on my own.