Single Status Update
I'm sitting here at work. I should be working but I find it impossible to concentrate. It should be easier to concentrate - programming is one thing I always devote my mind 100% to, which would be a good thing right now. Instead, my mind is confused yet again and trying to work things out the only way it knows how to - without outside assistance.
We've all heard the stories about how people have a mind and they also have a heart. Once the heart has taken enough damage, it is actually quite easy to ignore it - for the most part. No matter how easy it is to be a robot, no matter how much you like being a robot, it will always get your attention in the end.
Apparently I'm a really nice guy that doesn't deserve to be crying over all this. What do I deserve then? Do I deserve to be treated exactly the same by every girl I've ever admitted my feelings to? Do I deserve to feel like shit while I tell them to go be happy?
The heart has ways to make the robot hear. During work on Monday, it was literally screaming out for attention. I let it speak. It turned the robot off. I realised that I really like this girl I know called Emily. Of course, it's not as simple as I like her. When I say I like someone, it's a lot more than "yeah she's alright I think I might ask her out." Imagine, if like is alot more than that, just think of what really like is.
I was going to get on the net and tell her what I had realised. She had moved up to Brisbane a month and a half ago to do a course at the same place I did mine last year, and one of the first things she said to me was that she wasn't planning on being in any relationships for the duration of the course, so I was expecting her to be pissed off with me.
When I got home, I saw her and my housemate sitting on the couch, and it was pretty obvious that something had already happened or was going to before the end of the night (the latter ended out being the truth).
Fast forward a day and she's come over because she's worried about me. After much diverting by me, she says what she thinks is wrong with me, and she was right. I told her that I really liked her, was going to tell her, saw that and didn't know what to do. I don't think she'll ever understand what I mean by really like, hell I'm trying to work out myself how I can feel that much for someone I've only known for one and a half months.
I wasn't expecting her to let me make a choice for her though - she wanted me to decide whether she should go out with my housemate or not.
It normally shouldn't have been a hard decision. I value her happiness above mine, but I was feeling so bad that I just wanted at least some of the badness to go. I couldn't follow through with a decision that would leave her feeling bad. I'd feel even worse than I already do if she felt bad because of my decision. She's still going out with my housemate.
We're an entire generation brought up to believe that guys are assholes. For the past one and a half months, Emily's tag lines have been "I hate guys" and "I hate relationships." What does she say to a guy who has no intention of screwing things up in the slightest? She wouldn't want to screw things up. I'm rather familiar with that line. There are many reasons why I don't buy that line anymore. I'm closer with my ex now than I was both before we went out and during the time we were going out is one of the reasons. Another one worth considering is why do girls say all guys are assholes when they turn down the guys that they think are genuinely nice? Don't they want to give it a decent chance or something?
If the cycle I go through still holds true, I'll still feel like shit for a while, then I'll start getting annoyed at the world, then I'll get so annoyed that I turn back in to a robot, and then this whole thing will start all over again. I want the cycle to end. I know that I'm just a shadow of what I could be if I was out of the cycle and if I had someone to stop me from being a robot. Unfortunately, after all this time, I know all I'll ever be is a really nice guy and a good friend. Her happiness over mine. The cycle continues.
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Hey ZarcyB, did you know that men are faster to fall in love and quicker to fall out? Yet, they start most of the breakups? Women are slower to fall in and out of love... And when men are broken up with, they have a harder time dealing with the situation than women, because women address the issue right away with some Ben & Jerry's. Just thought I'd give some outside info, buddy.
I took your advice Julian and wrote her a letter... not going to do much good though. We've broken up before but this time I feel it's for good. She just confirmed this, another fucking text message. "It's the end." Fucking fuck. I'm so sick of it all, I just want to cry.
Sorry for hijacking this thread.