Single Status Update
I was just thinking, seeing I have lots of time for that, of my future a bit, but more specifically, where I am now and the knowledge in which I have accessible from the depths of my mind. I always seemed to find myself to be “bright”, or so I was always told, I was always praised as being “The Smart Kid” (And also being insulted as such.), and such a view of myself made me feel good of who I was. (I will spare all the [pre-]teen angst that I can. :P) However I think now whether if I ever really was smart, or if it was just everyone else wasn’t as promising for getting work done, or perhaps, if it was the fact I let on the “fact” that I was “smart”, since being called smart and feeling I was smart was the only thing I liked of myself, I was determined to keep myself convinced that it was true, and that I, was indeed, smart.
However, I always did doubt this, for surely if I was constantly yelled at, hit, and was getting at my most, a B average, I could have not been smart, and no where near “The Smart Kid” title. Though, given from people tell me I was smart, I felt good when I felt smart, I felt good if I felt that I had more (important) knowledge than those around me (Within age moderation). It felt good, and I hadn’t felt any pride in myself in anything else other than that. And since it was initiated that I was “smart” I craved, to stay that. (Little thing: When I am praised for anything, whether it be knowledge, athletics, humour, anything, I then have the dire need to be the absolute best at it. Despite this is a fleeting dream, I am ambitious like that, which is against my own good. But, I cannot help it, unfortunately.) So, given I was told I was smart, I had the desire to stay and be the smartest person. (At first, just around where ever I was, however, this need soon grew way out of proportion.)
Despite I was making B’s, the odd A, and C’s, I convinced myself egotistically, that “I am simply not trying my best, I will try when I need to, then I’ll do great, then, I’ll do the best.” I brainwashed myself with this boulderdash of my “hidden potential”, I had the thought that “Since I am smart, if I really wanted to do anything, I could do it, and it’d be the best.”. And in denial, claiming that “I am not egotistical at all.”, trying to prove that fact with the aspect of me having little to none self esteem.
Eventually I let that thought of mine become so tyrannical to how I looked at myself, that I didn’t try in any academic work I did, stating that “This year doesn’t matter, I will try when it counts.”. Also given I craved to be noticed and have friends, I acted as a fool and “whored” myself for other’s entertainment, just so I could be noticed. I soon found myself being proud of myself not handing in work, I found myself proud of myself that I had 27 NHIs (Not Handed In) in my grade 9 math class. Though deep inside, I felt ashamed and badly, I masked that with the false thought that “It’s worth it, if I have friends.”.
That, was a year ago, and I have now changed the way in which I think. I am in Applications 10 math, which is considered the math for people who struggle with concepts or are just lazy, I, last year, was both. (Though I tried to tell myself that I could get it all if I tried.) Last year I passed math with 60.6%, this year in math I have 99.1% in the course. I have since changed how I was, I no longer care so much of going out with friends or being social, but more of my future. I realized with the help of my closest friend, that, well, I am pathetic. And that is without a doubt, true. I am 15, and in grade 10 and I do not have any idea of what post-secondary I plan to attend or what I plan to do for a living. Along side of how oblivious I am to the important things of this world, for I am mainly only educated in Sonic the Hedgehog, or Naruto, which, though fun and interesting, in the long run, mean nothing at all for my success in life.
I realized with the help of a great friend, things aren’t going to just happen by themselves in my life, and that I got to work for my future, that I need to actually grow up and not play games all day and expect life to just fly by with ease. With that in mind, I, have changed my attitude on things, I am trying to learn of important things to the world and that would be good to know just in case. (These things being stuff such as issues with the government and around the world, political stuff. Which, I right now, sadly know nothing about, at all.)
Since changing, and given my mark in math, I felt proud of myself and felt smart once more. However, this was short-lived when I realized that the curriculum of my school (grade 10), is the equivalent of my friend’s school (Who is in grade 8), and also their teachings from their previous grades (grade 7), and showing me that what I am learning is something they learned a long time ago, and on top of that, know it a lot better than I do, I was crushed once more.
Though I was confident in myself, I couldn’t help but feel inferior, given that the information I am being taught (and that, I will admit, stumps me at times.) was taught to others at an earlier time. (Though, it seemed to be in a bit of a different method, which confused me more.) And though not initially my fault, I felt like a failure. I realized that my school curriculum wasn’t what it could be, that it could be better, and I felt that I would much rather be at my friend’s school, rather than my own, because I want to accumulate all the knowledge I can for when I am out of school and facing the workforce.
Though, despite I wanted that, I did nothing but wish it, rather than do it. Sure, my school doesn’t have such a curriculum and doesn’t teach all that, but, that doesn’t mean that I can’t learn it all on my own, which my friend told me. They said that, “Then do something about it instead of making up lame excuses and whining.” That, indeed was something I needed to hear, for it is something I need to do.
So, given that, I am trying to learn everything from Math to history to current day politics and law, along with computers. I still have the ambition to be great at something, for surely we all must yearn to be great at something. However, now, I am actually working for it, making myself actually deserving for such a thing. I may not go out, I may spend my free time at school in my math class and may days in my room, but I would rather withstand that and have a future I can be proud of, rather than fool around now and live to regret it in my, what would be called a “future”.
The one thing I was actually typing all this about (But got kinda carried away, okay, really carried away. :D) is that of my school curriculum, and how my friend’s in America, is much better than mine. I myself am searching for places to learn more of math, in honesty, the Doomworld Forums provide me with a lot of good politics and views of things, as does my friend. (To be honest, some of the most interesting and intelligent people I have ever known are on these forums. :D) Though I do not know much, I love to learn, I love it when I learn something, and I feel good when I get things accomplished and understand concepts.
Just out of curiosity, is there any site or book or any place Dee-Lee in which anyone suggests would be good to help me learn up on my math? (Seeing I plan to do it outside of school and during the summer.) Thanks. :D
And if anyone has read all of this, and has understood any of it or found any of it coherent, or if you just read the first sentence, and scrolled to this last part here, thanks for reading. :D I know I kind of jabbered on, complained a fair bit and was pretty angsty, which I apologize for, but I just had that all on my mind and wanted to share a portion of it with one the most informative sites I’ve been to. :D Among all this, I would like to thank Steve, and Abigail for both helping me with this a whole lot, along side with much of the Doomworld Community, for your discussions and debates are often very interesting to read. :D
Thank you. :D
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I had the same experience with High School Part 2(also known as High School With Ashtrays), but instead didn't bother going to any classes. I opted rather to walk to the wilderness behind the grounds and get high or whatever. A shame, too, because the AP classes were way more advanced than these CC classes. I could've tested my way out of a bachelor's degree.
So you could say I decided to fail. Or you could say that I realized I could succeed at anything, so then attempted to fail because I wanted to see if the world would blow up.
Or you could say that I was forced to go to college and pick up a job at the same time, which completely ruined the learning environment for me.
Hell, if you thought long enough we all could think of 100 reasons why we failed at something, just to justify it in our own heads. The plain and simple fact is that there's a lesson learned in failure, and we needed to experience it. Or, our life's lessons we needed to learn at the time had nothing to do with academics.