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DesertEagle

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About DesertEagle

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  1. "I watch bad movies in my own home because I'm insane. I've been driven mad by them, and like heroin, I keep wanting more, even though it's collapsing my heart." -Mike Nelson

    I don't know why I keep buying and watching cheesy action flicks, I just do.
    I probably just get a kick out of Commies popping out of nowhere to attack Dolph Lundgren, or a midget attack squad putting the hurt on Sho Kosugi.

    Let's take a gander at my bad movie collection:
    9 Deaths of the Ninja - Stars Sho Kosugi, taking on a half-retarded terrorist leader and the ugliest midget attack squad you'll ever see.

    Army of One (aka, Joshua Tree) - I could just say that this stars Dolph Lundgren and be done with it. But I could also mention that this stars George Segal (the boss from Just Shoot Me) as the bad guy, and has a cameo from legendary B-movie stuntman, Al Leong. My favorite part is when Dolph gets twelve shots out of a revolver without reloading.

    Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever - Plot-out-the-window action flick. There's entertainingly bad, then there's just bad bad, even by my standards. Banderas looks hung-over throughout the duration of the film. It gets points for not going so low as to have Lucy Liu strip to her skivvies to raise interest.

    Invasion U.S.A. - Commies are attacking the United States and only Chuck Norris can stop them. One-liners + explosions + Commies + Chuck Norris = gold.
    "I'll give ya so many rights, you'll be begging for a left."

    Red Scorpion - My personal favorite Dolph Lundgren movie. He plays a Spetsnatz agent, and stuff gets shot up, blown up, and beat up for some reason or another. There might've been a plot in there, I'll have to check. Commies spawn out of nowhere. M. Emmett Walsh swears enough to make a tourettes-stricken sailor blush.
    Soviet officer: "Are you out of your mind?"
    Dolph: "No... just out of bullets."

    Revenge of the Ninja - Another movie starring ninja master Sho Kosugi. Poor guy, his whole family get annihilated by a ninja gang in the first three minutes. Best part is when a kid (his son, I guess) takes a ninja star right between the eyes. Ha!

    Shaft's Big Score - Shaft bangs every chick and her mother. Once in a while, someone gets shadow-boxed to a pulp or shot to carry interest throughout the sluggish plot.

    I never find myself laughing at comedies, but gratuitous and pointless violence gets me every time. Go figure.

    1. Show previous comments  10 more
    2. Lüt

      Lüt

      I've watched the Matrix Reloaded 8 times and enjoyed it the last 6.

      For you however, I would recommend Nowhere to Hide. If you can get past the first 20 minutes, it becomes a great film to mock with a group of people. For some reason it gets relatively high ratings and reviews from a lot of people, but that just goes to show there's a lot of people who have no standards when it comes to entertainment.

    3. DesertEagle

      DesertEagle

      You'll have to elaborate a bit, L(accented u)t. There's three movie results on imdb.com for Nowhere to Hide.
      There an Asian one from '99, another from '87 and another from 2002.

      Another cheesy action flick I enjoyed was Death Wish 3, with it's awful soundtrack by Jimmy Page.
      When the men, women and children started dancing among the gangbangers they'd just killed, I just laughed at the sheer madness of it.

    4. Danarchy

      Danarchy

      Linguica said:

      I hate bad movies and yet I get paid to watch them

      You get paid to write those articles?

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