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About DesertEagle

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  1. "I watch bad movies in my own home because I'm insane. I've been driven mad by them, and like heroin, I keep wanting more, even though it's collapsing my heart." -Mike Nelson

    I don't know why I keep buying and watching cheesy action flicks, I just do.
    I probably just get a kick out of Commies popping out of nowhere to attack Dolph Lundgren, or a midget attack squad putting the hurt on Sho Kosugi.

    Let's take a gander at my bad movie collection:
    9 Deaths of the Ninja - Stars Sho Kosugi, taking on a half-retarded terrorist leader and the ugliest midget attack squad you'll ever see.

    Army of One (aka, Joshua Tree) - I could just say that this stars Dolph Lundgren and be done with it. But I could also mention that this stars George Segal (the boss from Just Shoot Me) as the bad guy, and has a cameo from legendary B-movie stuntman, Al Leong. My favorite part is when Dolph gets twelve shots out of a revolver without reloading.

    Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever - Plot-out-the-window action flick. There's entertainingly bad, then there's just bad bad, even by my standards. Banderas looks hung-over throughout the duration of the film. It gets points for not going so low as to have Lucy Liu strip to her skivvies to raise interest.

    Invasion U.S.A. - Commies are attacking the United States and only Chuck Norris can stop them. One-liners + explosions + Commies + Chuck Norris = gold.
    "I'll give ya so many rights, you'll be begging for a left."

    Red Scorpion - My personal favorite Dolph Lundgren movie. He plays a Spetsnatz agent, and stuff gets shot up, blown up, and beat up for some reason or another. There might've been a plot in there, I'll have to check. Commies spawn out of nowhere. M. Emmett Walsh swears enough to make a tourettes-stricken sailor blush.
    Soviet officer: "Are you out of your mind?"
    Dolph: "No... just out of bullets."

    Revenge of the Ninja - Another movie starring ninja master Sho Kosugi. Poor guy, his whole family get annihilated by a ninja gang in the first three minutes. Best part is when a kid (his son, I guess) takes a ninja star right between the eyes. Ha!

    Shaft's Big Score - Shaft bangs every chick and her mother. Once in a while, someone gets shadow-boxed to a pulp or shot to carry interest throughout the sluggish plot.

    I never find myself laughing at comedies, but gratuitous and pointless violence gets me every time. Go figure.

    1. Show previous comments  10 more
    2. Lüt


      I've watched the Matrix Reloaded 8 times and enjoyed it the last 6.

      For you however, I would recommend Nowhere to Hide. If you can get past the first 20 minutes, it becomes a great film to mock with a group of people. For some reason it gets relatively high ratings and reviews from a lot of people, but that just goes to show there's a lot of people who have no standards when it comes to entertainment.

    3. DesertEagle


      You'll have to elaborate a bit, L(accented u)t. There's three movie results on imdb.com for Nowhere to Hide.
      There an Asian one from '99, another from '87 and another from 2002.

      Another cheesy action flick I enjoyed was Death Wish 3, with it's awful soundtrack by Jimmy Page.
      When the men, women and children started dancing among the gangbangers they'd just killed, I just laughed at the sheer madness of it.

    4. Sharessa


      Linguica said:

      I hate bad movies and yet I get paid to watch them

      You get paid to write those articles?