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Jaxxoon R

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About Jaxxoon R

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  1. Goatheads. A name that brings both fear and disdain to many a human being that cares to step outside, most notably with bare feet (like a hippy). Or those that ride bikes... so basically just hippies. It is a wretched and wrathful seed, one forged in the image of baphomet himself:

    The ungodly creations are infamous for their tendancy to shank the fuck out of whatever crosses them. They are designed to litteraly fucking stab you and stay stuck in you like a parasite, like the fucking T-Virus Las Palagas in a vain hope to spread its corruption a measly 3-5 feet as you flee in pain after its assault. Not even your houses are safe, the goatheads can implant themselves to the bottom of your shoes like chestbursters waiting to strike, and jostle loose inside your house, so now you can get injected with dirty plant horn tetinus in the comfort of your own home.

    The icon of sin is not a wall, it is not a towering goliath. The icon of sin is an insidious, cunning foe. One that hides beneath your very feet. The icon of sin is not a mere concept. The icon of sin is real, and it is the goathead.

    1. Show previous comments  4 more
    2. Ex Oblivione

      Ex Oblivione

      Jaxxoon R said:

      I don't actually have that, or know what that is, so I just grabbed one of those rock salt air filtration lamps, will that work? I've taken it in my hand, like you said, now what? Do I just throw it at them or should I grind it up and salt the earth to ward them away like evil spirits or something?


      There is a ritual one must perform to rid themselves of the evil Goatheads.

      Here is what you need.

      1) Salt Tablets
      2) Salt Air Filtration Lamp, of the Himalayan variety
      3) A bag of donut seeds
      4) Sand
      5) Photograph of Marty Stratton
      6) Polysporin
      7) Band-Aid

      The first thing you must do is take a salt tablet, drink lots of water. Now you must locate the largest room in your home and place the the salt air filtration lamp in the center of the room. Turn off all lights and make sure any windows are closed and close the curtains. Place a bag of donut seeds and Marty Stratton next to the salt air filtration lamp. Grab a handful of sand and create a circle around you, this is your sanctuary. Now stare at the glow of the salt air filtration lamp and recite "badass demons, big effing guns, and moving really fast" 13 times. Soon the darkness of the room will become even more dark and soon you'll hear what appears to be a disembodied E3 audience soon Marty Stratton will appear before you. He will approach the bag of donuts seeds and eat them one at time while he stares at you. DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH HIM, OR EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT WITH HIM WHILE HE EATS THE DONUT SEEDS. YOU MUST WAIT UNTIL HE IS DONE. Once he is done he will speak with a booming, commanding voice, from his headset. He'll ask you what he can do for you. Tell him that a goathead has embedded itself into you. If it's your foot, extend your foot and so fourth. He will withdraw a copy of Doom 2016 and raise it above his head and dance around your sanctuary while chanting badass demons, big effing guns, and moving really fast. Soon he will withdraw some pliers and remove the offending goathead. Once that happens you must offer him the Polysporin and Band-Aid, let him heal your wound. He'll begin to levitate, "There is no regenerating health in Doom!" and then he'll vanish. You are now free to step out of the sanctuary, break the circle and carry on with your day.

    3. Jaxxoon R

      Jaxxoon R

      Alright, that's good and fine, but I'm planning to exterminate any and all goatheads in North America (as they are an invasive species) and collect the bounty placed upon them by the city of Irrigon, Oregon. It will be a service to society. Besides, if just looking at Marty Stratton is grounds to provoke his wrath, I cannot imagine the kinds of horror that would be unleashed if he were to step on a goathead and interpret it as an attack.

    4. Ex Oblivione

      Ex Oblivione

      I never realized how serious Tribulus terrestris nutlets are. If summoning Marty Stratton is too much, and you still want to wipe out those pesky Goatheads, here's what you'll need.

      1. Bag of blunts
      2. Goatlord
      3. Tar
      4. Catapult

      First find an empty swimming pool and fill it with tar. Grab some blunts and make a trail of them leading to the tar-filled swimming pool. Goatlords stoner sense will pick up on the free blunts and he'll be attracted to them like a moth to a flame. Once he gets to the edge of the pool push him into the tar. Once he's got a nice coating help him out. Now as it were, Goatlord is actually an avatar to the Elder Evil God of the Goatheads and they will be attracted to him like a magnet. ALL of them will fly towards him, but get stuck on the tar. Once that happens, simply put Goatlord onto a catapult and aim it towards your least favorite state and you have lift off.

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