Single Status Update
After a lot of experience, I have been able to classify many types of depression. Here is a rudimentary outline:
This is a mild for of depression where you're not really THAT depressed, but you just have to whine about it. You become an attention whore, complaining to everyone how much your life SUUUCKS! No one will like you for this.
This is a mild but persistant depression. You're basicaly really bummed about everyhting. Kind of an opposite of Whiney Depression, you don't want to talk about it to anyone. If anyone ever asks you what's wrong, you simply reply "fuck off", or usualy something less because you don't feel like putting out the effort to communicate with anyone.
Loneliness (Depressed Mode)
This is where you just wish you could cuddle up with someone, but you have no one to love. The best way to deal with this by listening to some sad love music. Depeche Mode is my favorite, but Sister Machine Gun, The Smashing Pumpkins, and even Cake work for this. You can probably find something that suits you better, like The Cure or something. Usualy, this leads to Tearful Depression, but this will only last an hour or two, after which you'll actual feel a lot better.
This is when you feel so alone that you want to cry. Don't hold back because it just hurts. If you let it out, you'll feel a lot better in a short amount of time, after which a walk is reccomended.
This is Loneliness or Tearful Depression at an advanced state. You feel doomed that you'll never be with the one you love (usualy someone specific). Unlike Tearful Depression, it is impossible to hold it back. The only thing you can do is wait it out. Unfortunately, its not quite that easy. You end up crying yourself to sleep most of the time, then waking up in some other form of depression (usualy not quite as severe though).
Cold and Emotionless
Usualy stemming from some philosophical soul-searching with a conclusion that everything is pointless, this is when you have absolutely no emotion. Congratulations, you can now become a true Rivethead. If that wasnt what you were looking for, a good cure is to listen to some bleak music (Skinny Puppy being my favorite) or read some Johnny the Homicidal Maniac (Wobbly-Headed Bob especialy) comics. This helps you to know someone else shares a defeatist attitude with you. I suppose something like Fight Club would work as well. Just look for anything that is either industrial or defeatist.
This is an advanced stage of Cold and Emotionless where you think "the world sucks because it isn't like me...the only solution is to subjugate everyone and make them think like me. The same remedies as Cold and Emotionless apply, with the addition of listening to stuff like KMFDM and playing Civilization or similar games.
Another advanced stage of Cold and Emotionless and also related to Megalomania, this is when you rech the conclusion that the only way to end the world's suffering is to take it apart one step at a time. Do not act on anything that pops into your head, because you'll likely wind up dead or imprisoned. Though this doesnt sound too bad now, you'll probably regret it later. Instead, try the afforementioned methods under Cold and Emotionless and Megalomania.
This is reached after certain bouts of Cold and Emotionless. You calculate in your mind that 2+2=4, and not 5 like the governemnt has been telling you all along. More likely than not, you've got it backwards but it doesnt matter to you. Until you finaly find that missing piece of evidence that completely invalidates your entire theory, you could go raving for hours. Unfortunately, modern politics are pretty scary as they are, so the best way to avoid this is to avoid political discussions entirely, and stay the Hell away from the internet.
This is a pretty nasty yet suprisingly widespread form of depression. A great deal of people I have met with have this which results in someone frothing with passive-agressive behavior or sometimes full-out agression. More introverted people usualy resort to slicing their veins open or attempting to OD. This isn't really suicide, more of a cry for help.
This is when Self-Destructive Depression gets serious. Instead of acting it out on others or acting it out dramaticaly, you just try to take the Great Plunge. Often times, you get flashes of those who love you in your head, which really snaps you out of it. If that doesn't happen, then luckily you'll screw up or something and wake up on the floor with bloody all over your arms.
The Great Collapse
For the first time in months, you finaly feel great, absolutely wonderful. Things are going swimmingly for you. You've been feeling stupendous all week. Then suddenly BAM! You're back in your depression and it's pretty bad. Unfortunately, I have no idea what triggers this and it's pretty hard to get out of. After all, you were just feeling awesome and this depression comes and gets a hold of you....real shitty. The best solution is to wait it out. This may be a sign of manic depression.
There might be more I'll add to this later, and some stuff I'll split etc. I could probably create much more categories from expereicne. Actualy, I had a lot of fun doing this. I might make a website out of this or something.